Story Research; MTF Trans-Women: What sexual partners do you prefer?

[Releca]

For your book you really need to remember the 1st rule. Gender and sexual preference are 2 different things.

Now to answer your question I like women through and through. To me I don't mind if you were born female or chose to become one. Then again there is a ftm at work I'm getting to know well and starting to find him cute but at the same time not. Gosh darn these fickle things called emotions. Women in transition are fine as well but right now I'm also more into just looking than touching until a few more things are changed and I have body parts I would enjoy sharing with another.

[Violet Bloom]

  My sexual preference is cis women with them as the more dominant or 'masculine' element.  I have yet to knowingly meet a transwoman in person who passed well-enough in their character as a woman (while also being attractive to me) to feel a romantic or sexual connection with them.  As such I would be interested to know instead if your book character will be 'openly trans' or not.  I am proud of my identity as trans but I don't wish to broadcast it.  I don't want a partner to view me as trans because there's a good chance they'll subconsciously view me and treat me differently from cis women, particularly when it comes to their social circle.  The same goes for my acceptance by society.  If I can't live fully stealth, and I doubt I every truly will, I don't want that fact to automatically affect my interpersonal relationships.  I have yet to determine if any pure cis-lesbian will accept me and feel sexually compatible with me if I am pre-/non-op.  It is a big question looming in my future that I'm very afraid to put to the test 'on the open market'.  Overall, if I'm going to try for a relationship, I'd like to only be fretting over the usual issues that can arise rather than tacking trans issues on top of all that.

  To the OP, please feel free to PM me if you have any questions regarding my viewpoint or lifestyle.

[emilyking]

I'm a intersex "transsexual", and only attracted to boys.
When I look at girls, the only thing I think about is how is their hair, and if I could wear what they are wearing.

[eli77]

Hi. I'm new here and I hope this is not a rude question or something. I'm not a transsexual, but just a lesbian writer, and one of my fiction story lines now features a male-to-female Trans-Woman, and I'd rather not fall victim to too many stereotypes, so instead of just portraying her as a gloryfied drag-queen, I'd be more interested in making a character that's actually credible and interesting. Right now, I'm not entirely sure about her sexual orientation and sadly I don't know enough trans-women personally to get any representative sample. Hence this poll.

Creating a trans woman by poll would result in a fairly dull character. There is more individuality among trans folks than conformity. I generally identify myself as gay--I'm attracted to some female persons, and some non-binary folks. But beyond that I'm an editor, a writer, a feminist, a socialist, a radical, a... The biggest troubles with trans characters in fiction are not just the inaccuracies in regards to our gender/sex/sexuality/identity, but the lack of personality and individuality beyond that.

I'd suggest that more valuable research than sexuality would be to get a sense of how a few of us live our lives, what we do on a day to day basis, what our relationships look like, and how our trans-ness does and does not affect our lives.

[SorchaC]

Firstly Anna I'd like to congratulate you for asking. It would be easy to just assume so well done for wanting to fairly represent us in your book  I'd agree that the poll results are not really going to give you a good representation of a person because whatever sexuality you give your character they will fit in as Trans to somebody.

Personally speaking, I've only ever been with women sexually and for most of my life I thought men were there to be friends with. When I first began transition men were an example of everything I disliked about myself (I was horrible to men) The thought of ever being near one sexually was only marginally less attractive a proposition than continuing to pretend to be one as I had for 41 years  (I'm still awaiting my Oscar for playing a man for so long  } As I've become more settled within myself I've found I can be friendly to men as long as they don't make crude or sexual comments. I also have to admit I didn't behave fairly towards Transwomen either. I always said I couldn't go with a Transwoman because I have enough issues of my own to be putting up with theirs as well (Sorry girls)

I decided right at the start of my transition that I wasn't just going to change the clothes I wore and continue being the same person. I wanted to change as much as I could or needed to so that I became a better nicer person than I was. Not that I wasn't a good person but I wanted to be sure. I spent 6 months looking at myself in depth and saw many things I didn't like including my attitude to sexual relations but concluded as I was unlikely to be having sex for quite some time I'd leave that bit till last. Fast forward 7 years and here I am in a relationship with not only a Transwoman but a pre op not even full time one at that  My friends who have been with me during the transition and who knew about my attitude to men are stunned as they thought I was lesbian but are now thinking I'm straight as I don't tell people about my partner as that's not my secret to share. Truth is what we have isn't about sexual activities as so far neither of us have the right plumbing as my ex gf used to describe my genitalia as 

As has already been said being Trans doesn't define who we are, Our sexuality is also not related to being trans, Maybe an advantage we have is that we are able to be honest enough with ourselves and others to better understand our sexuality as opposed to many hetrosexual cis men and women who for whatever reason don't feel able to ever explore or talk about their sexuality. I hope the book is a success and the things we share here help you produce a wonderful character 

Hugs

Sorcha 

[Violet Bloom]

  I'm very pleased that this point was raised eloquently by the previous two posters - that character and lifestyle for so many of us have little or nothing to do with our being trans or our sexual identity.  I think it would be highly advisable to the OP to create a well-rounded and interesting story character as normal before attempting to bring in the trans and sexuality elements.  I'd probably be offended and find it socially counter-productive if the trans character were created for the purposes of sexual intrigue primarily.  Perhaps she doesn't intend this but I think the danger is there.  I suppose there may be some limits to this depending on the target audience.  If they're supposed to be turned on by the sexual elements of the story then a lot of attention may be placed on this unavoidably.  There's a fine line to be walked with regards to how much of today's society focusses on the sexuality of transwomen as their supposed defining element or primary motivation.  One day we will make it to the point where transpeople can be part of stories (and those silly romance novels in the drug stores ) and no one will give it much thought, but at the moment society in general is not ready to take it that way.

  For me assessing my sexuality was an integral part of discovering and defining my trans identity but sex has never been at the forefront of my life or my decision making.  I know my sexual identity but I wouldn't be terribly upset if I never had a sexual relationship the rest of my life.  It certainly forms little of the basis for my thoughts around who I might like to date other than to be concerned with how the other person might feel compatible with me.  Rather than a sex-drive I find I have more a 'friendship-drive' and would like to meet someone else who also puts sex way down the list of conscious priorities.  The fact that I would like that partner to be a lesbian has more to do with the relationship dynamic and how they instinctively view me as a person and me them.  If sex does result it at least will feel fully right to me with such a partner.

[Jess42]

I am attracted to anyone that finds me attractive. I am bi so all is fair game. But really, anyone that makes me feel special, I melt and am yours.

[sam79]

I've been thinking some more about what it means to be transgender, and the way it changes ones life, in terms of sexuality and more.

Being transgender is beyond difficult ( just look at suicide rates ). It's difficult from some from our very first memories, if you read some of the stories here. And it doesn't get better until we seek help to understand, accept and try to deal with the situation, which in itself is ridiculously difficult. It's not something anyone on this earth deserves.

For me, and maybe others, all of these trials and hardships just dwarfs anything else, including sexuality. Once you accept the trans* label ( seen or not ), other fears or preconceptions mean little, and the importance of them really falls away. And transition afforded me the opportunity to explore and redefine myself. It's a chance for a new and authentic life with no reservations.

Prior to transition I identified as a straight male, and drew the line there ( unwilling to explore ). Now, I'm somewhat a pansexual woman ( still exploring ).

I suspect you will find this sort of diversity is somewhat common in the trans* community.

[pretty pauline]

By the way, please don't put transgenders in the same paragraph as drag queens. I wear women's clothes because I'm a woman. I really LOVE clothes, but I don't get turned on by them, and don't go around trying to be noticed like most drag queens seem to. I'm a woman, not a man pretending to be a woman for a night on the town with other drag queens. I wish the general public, who all too often lump all of us in as one big group, would see and understand that there are far more dissimilarities than similarities between us transwomen and drag queens and CD/TS. I hope I'm not banned or chastised over this, but I find it offensive to be tagged as a drag queen, just as I find it offensive to be called a '->-bleeped-<-', 'she-male', 'a chick with a d**k', or any of the other gems we can be so disgustingly referred to, mostly by guys, more often than not by guys who get turned on watching porn with transgendered performers with men. Sorry for the diatribe.

Great reply, I couldn't put it better myself, it is offensive to be tagged as a drag queen, ->-bleeped-<- etc, I'm just a woman with a distance history.
To answer, I voted cis men, because I'm a straight woman, I love being with a man who makes me feel special and feminine, I'm now married to a man, who accepts me as a woman, it just feels so natural to me, hope that answers.

[Kaylee Angelia]

I like to play with people of all genders so I'm queer in that regard but when it comes to a relationship I'm definitely lesbian. Thanks for the question and the poll. Would love to read your book when it comes out.

[Jill F]

I'm not very interested in sex these days, but I could get into anyone that I think is just a great person.

[Kaylee Angelia]

I'm attracted to both cis and transwomen. I prefer thin girls a lil taller than me. But looks are far from everything and this is just a representation of who physically attracts me. However, I need to mention that I'm attracted way more by personality over looks, so this opens up a very broad range of women for me.

I won't say I'll never be with a man, trans or cis, because if true love ever does come around for me I won't pass up a chance at happiness be they female, male, cis, or trans, or somewhere in between. I just hope if it's a guy he's not too hairy as body hair is a huge turnoff for me.

Peace everyone!

Ally

I know what you mean about height Ally. I'm 5'6 and am "so" hoping to find someone taller than I am so I can know what it's like to stand on my tip-toes and reach up to kiss them. Sigh... 

[Kaylee Angelia]

I can give examples!



To me, women like this are so so so pretty. I would love to date a woman like this who I had things in common with.

Oh my GOD she's beautiful....

[Mariah]

Guys in general. A persons personality is way more important to me than if they are cis or trans. It doesn't matter to me because who they are as a person is all that matters.

[DanielleA]

On a technicality, I am bi. I am very attracted to guys and mostly the pretty boys ( picture younger Brad Pit) . I have a real thing for a firm mans chest... as for females,  I am very picky. I guess its the cute face and kind hearted nature. There was this girl who worked at a pub a town away form me. I used to say to mum that " I would so turn lesbian for her". A relationship takes presidence over everything else though. It's the connection.

[Anna-Maria]

Great reply, I couldn't put it better myself, it is offensive to be tagged as a drag queen, ->-bleeped-<- etc, I'm just a woman with a distance history.
To answer, I voted cis men, because I'm a straight woman, I love being with a man who makes me feel special and feminine, I'm now married to a man, who accepts me as a woman, it just feels so natural to me, hope that answers.

I can fully agree with this. The only difference between trans-women and cis-women is the trans-experience of the former. There´s nothing special on trans-women compared to cis-women except the fact that most of us escaped being raised up as typical girls because we were forced into boyhood against our will. At least, that´s how I feel. I´m way more feminine than my cis-gif and she sees nothing more or less in me than what I actually am: a woman. And that´s how I define myself. A woman with kind of traumatic adolescence and puberty.

But I guess, there´s something more on being a trans-woman. While we have to fight for our right to live as women and being accepted as women, cis-girls are way more inclined to take their being female for granted. Just speaking for myself, as a trans-woman, I rate the fact being a woman and being feminine higher than average cis actually do.

So, if she wants to write a book with a trans-woman character in it, she should be well advised, not to exaggerate any traits in the character. Not to portray her overly feminine like a caricature of a woman, nor as a Drag (which is indeed very insulting btw!), but as a proud and self-confident woman.

[Anna-Maria]

Hi. I'm new here and I hope this is not a rude question or something. I'm not a transsexual, but just a lesbian writer, and one of my fiction story lines now features a male-to-female Trans-Woman, and I'd rather not fall victim to too many stereotypes, so instead of just portraying her as a gloryfied drag-queen, I'd be more interested in making a character that's actually credible and interesting. Right now, I'm not entirely sure about her sexual orientation and sadly I don't know enough trans-women personally to get any representative sample. Hence this poll.

I thought about this while being at the Gym this morning and the more I thought about this, the more i got upset. I mean,  one may consider this a mere overreaction and that´s your right to think so but to me it makes just sense.

So what I´m talking about? What do we get here?

You´re  a cis dyke doing research for your fictional story (a book, I guess?), which is basically a legitimate request. But the way you´re doing it appears inappropriate to me. You´re mixing up Drag Queens which are queer guys dressing up as women in an overly feminine manner, not to say as caricatures of women, while still having a male subconscious sex. This holds plainly not true for trans-women.

While not doing your homework by basic research on Transsexuality and what it means to be transsexual for individuals you´re categorizing  by assuming subliminal that all trans-women are somewhat "the same", which is also not true. We are different in personality, style and manner the same way cis-women are. There´s no evidence that trans-women are somewhat different from cis-women.

You don´t want to fall victim too many stereotypes, right? So falling victim to some stereotypes appears to be OK for you?

You have the chance to meet real trans-women here and talk with us about our unique experiences with the decency in a civilized society is required for such an undertaking and more so if it comes to deeply personal questions. You are not entitled to get answers but I think many of us are open to talk about their experiences to strangers more openly than others. Respect that.

Instead of doing so, you´re starting out with a poll getting straight ahead into our sexual lives. What gives you the right to inquire our sexual lives? Let´s put it the other way round. Someone intrudes a cis dyke forum on the internet, claiming doing some research and starting this with mixing up dykes with let´s say trans-men and a poll on the sexual lives of dykes. One may imagine the reactions you´ll get. But here, you think, we´re just some illustrative objects for your fantasy. We are not. We are not rats in a cage. Asking other people about their sexual lives in such a manner is not considered adequate in a civilized society. Why do you think you can get away with this behavior here?

Alright, I do not want to be mean honey, I´m just asking questions, right? And I guess, if you want to have some answers here, we are entitled to have some answers for our own questions, don´t you think so?

For myself, I have a lot of questions for you:

1 - Do you think, Trans-women are reinforcing "the gender binary" by being definitely female and feminine?

2- Do you consider Trans-Women as normal women but with a unique experience in their lives?

3- Do you prefer masculinity in women over feminity in women?

4- Do you think feminity is artificial compared to masculinity?

5- Do you consider it justified excluding Trans-women from women-only spaces (and feminist and queer circles) like it´s still happening way too often, regardless of T in LGBTQIA+?

6- Do you think being FAAB gives you a birth-right for defining who´s female and who´s not?

7- Do you consider Trans-Women as sexual and/or lifetime partners for your own?

8- Do you think Trans-Men are more "natural" than Trans-Women are?

9- What is the sole purpose for featuring a Trans-Woman in your story? What´s the essence? What do you want your audience to learn about that?

I´m quite curious if I got answers here and if so, I´m even more curious on the content.

Anna-Maria

[Releca]

Anna-Maria I like your questions and would be interested in hearing the answers myself. Its interesting to hear what cis geder think or know about the trans community. As you can see by my gender marker here how I see myself regardless of what my legal bianary is.

To me trans is just a term for the transition period and not who I am. I'm a proud woman and not a trans-woman. To me at least I feel I'm a woman whom has a broke X chromosome. 

[Anna-Maria]

Anna-Maria I like your questions and would be interested in hearing the answers myself. Its interesting to hear what cis geder think or know about the trans community. As you can see by my gender marker here how I see myself regardless of what my legal bianary is.

To me trans is just a term for the transition period and not who I am. I'm a proud woman and not a trans-woman. To me at least I feel I'm a woman whom has a broke X chromosome.

Heyy Releca  Also, for me being trans is a status rather than defining who I am, I´m a woman. Although, we have this basic trans experience and I´m not ashamed of this. It appears to be rather natural. What´s unnatural is our society that tries to deny the fact that, there are women and men born with the primary sexual characteristics of the other sex.

As I mentioned elsewhere previously, chromosomes alone can´t define your subconscious sex. Did you know that, the prevalence of cis-XY-women is really significant while there are also so called XX-men? In the former case the SRY is damaged or just inactive for undisclosed reasons, in the latter the SRY switched from Y to the X chromosome during meiosis?  Genes alone never can define who you are.

That´s why all this talking about "biological" women in contrast to trans-women is so awkward and hollow. Are we not biological women? Are XY-women no biological women? Are infertile women or women born without a womb and ovaries are no biological women   Of course, we are all biological women! And noone`s entitled to call us otherwise!

The intention for argumenting with biological women vs. trans-women, is just trying to disguise the reactionary conception of some people who think that only FAABs have the right to call themselves women. As if being a woman is a birth-right.

Do we have birth-rights in liberal and democtratic societies? No, we don´t and that´s for a good reason. What´s a political truth, holds also true when it comes to gender and sex. There is no birth-right and cis women have to come to recongnize that trans-women as biological and normal as they are. We just have a different story to tell.

xoxo

Anna-Maria

[Jenna Marie]

The OP registered, posted this, and has not been active basically since she made this thread. I wouldn't hold my breath that she's going to be back or listen to any of the answers, at this point; dedicated researchers generally don't abandon their sources for weeks on end. I have no idea what she was hoping to accomplish, but it looks like dialogue wasn't it.