What would you do?

[shawn91]

I came out as trans to my family when I was 16. It was a huge emotional thing, and there was a lot of pushback. Ultimately, my family supported me. I lived as a guy for 5 1/2 years. It was the happiest time in my life, and I finally felt like I was able to be me. However, I didn't have the money or ability (distance from therapy) to start hormone treatments.

Then, I met my fiance, Lloyd. He's awesome, and we get along great. When we first met, I told him everything about me, trans stuff, transitioning, etc. He was super accepting, and he said he'd support me no matter what.

Now, though, I can't even present as a man. His entire family knows me as Nicole, his female fiance. We have a son now, and everyone (including my family now) sees me as his mom. It took me over two years just to get my mom to stop calling me baby girl and things like that. She started calling me "it" instead of she. Now, she's right back to calling me pretty girl, baby girl, sweet girl, little girl. It's so frustrating.

I feel trapped. Again. Like now, I have no choice. I have no options. I'm bound to being mom and wife. It makes me sick. I've been so depressed.

Lloyd now won't even talk about it with me. He says he's gotten to know me and he's gotten used to me as Nicole (he doesn't call me that, though). He's built his future with the woman he loves, and while he says he'd support me and love me no matter what, it makes him sad that I want to transition.

I don't know what to do. I am so depressed about it, and I feel stuck. ): What would you do? Does anyone have any advice?

[Kyler]

I honestly wouldn't have entered a relationship without them recognizing that I am a man, regardless of my inability to physically transition, so I'm not sure.

What's the reason you could not live male without hormones?

[shawn91]

I honestly wouldn't have entered a relationship without them recognizing that I am a man, regardless of my inability to physically transition, so I'm not sure.

What's the reason you could not live male without hormones?

I'm not quite sure what you mean by that question. If you mean why I couldn't transition, it's because I was so far away from a therapist that would take people for trans stuff. I did live as a man. Fully, 100%.

Now, it's not so much as a hormone thing as it is his family is not accepting. We live with his parents, and they are pretty conservative. For instance, his mom won't let his gay brother bring a guy around. She doesn't want to see it or even hear about it. Yet, we live with them to help take care of her, because she doesn't have long left to live.

He did understand and accept me as a man, but it was a weird situation. I was in school in Georgia, and if I didn't go to class as Nicole at the school I was at, I would get death threats. One of my trans friends had his door beat down, and he was beat up by several people for being trans. It's sort of a life or death thing where I was living, and because of that, his entire family got to know me as Nicole. Now, though, we're in New York state. So, it's an entirely different situation. I'm just so scared of coming out...again.

[Jessica Merriman]

I honestly wouldn't have entered a relationship without them recognizing that I am a man, regardless of my inability to physically transition, so I'm not sure.

This totally!

[Alice Rogers]

That is a difficult situation hun, my personal feelings are that eventually the real you is going to NEED to come out, with or without Lloyd's support.

This guy told you since day one that he would support you in this, I am afraid if it were me I would call him out on that, he either will or he won't, if he won't then he isn't the man you thought he was.

That would be a relationship killer for me

Alice
xx

[Brandon]

Well I am a straight male so from my point of view as someone else stated I would never enter a relationship not being known as male, but if I were in your situation I'd leave her if she couldn't accept me as male or say something like I know you as this already and I don't want you to mov forward it would just be a major set back which is why everyone knows me as Brandon.

[blink]

Many trans men have transitioned after they had children. Some of the guys on this board, for instance.
It certainly complicates things, but you are not "bound" to the social role of mother and/or wife. You still have choices, they just won't be simple or easy to make and act on.

It's your decision to make, but living with untreated dysphoria for some else's preference is not the best foundation for a healthy, happy relationship. It can lead to a lot of bitter resentment. Personally, anyone who would ask me to live with that kind of misery would not be worth my time.

[wheat thins are delicious]

I came out as trans to my family when I was 16. It was a huge emotional thing, and there was a lot of pushback. Ultimately, my family supported me. I lived as a guy for 5 1/2 years. It was the happiest time in my life, and I finally felt like I was able to be me. However, I didn't have the money or ability (distance from therapy) to start hormone treatments.

Then, I met my fiance, Lloyd. He's awesome, and we get along great. When we first met, I told him everything about me, trans stuff, transitioning, etc. He was super accepting, and he said he'd support me no matter what.

Now, though, I can't even present as a man. His entire family knows me as Nicole, his female fiance. We have a son now, and everyone (including my family now) sees me as his mom. It took me over two years just to get my mom to stop calling me baby girl and things like that. She started calling me "it" instead of she. Now, she's right back to calling me pretty girl, baby girl, sweet girl, little girl. It's so frustrating.

I feel trapped. Again. Like now, I have no choice. I have no options. I'm bound to being mom and wife. It makes me sick. I've been so depressed.

Lloyd now won't even talk about it with me. He says he's gotten to know me and he's gotten used to me as Nicole (he doesn't call me that, though). He's built his future with the woman he loves, and while he says he'd support me and love me no matter what, it makes him sad that I want to transition.

I don't know what to do. I am so depressed about it, and I feel stuck. ): What would you do? Does anyone have any advice?

I'd probably leave and start all over tbh.  It's clear he won't budge, his family is just fueling it by being conservative and all that.  I could see him maybe changing his views if he was either not around his family constantly, or his family was more liberal, but I don't see that happening in your current living situation. 

[Alice Rogers]

I'd probably leave and start all over tbh. 

Even thought there is a child involved? I can see the attraction of walking away but his son deserves better than that even if his fiancé doesn't.

Alice
xx

[blink]

Even thought there is a child involved? I can see the attraction of walking away but his son deserves better than that even if his fiancé doesn't.

Alice
xx

A miserable parent often makes for a ... well, a miserable parent. For him to stay unwillingly wouldn't necessarily be in a child's better interest.

[wheat thins are delicious]

Even thought there is a child involved? I can see the attraction of walking away but his son deserves better than that even if his fiancé doesn't.

Alice
xx

I didn't say to straight up run off without remaining involved in the child's life, but it's going to be a real struggle to keep contact with his son and transition, especially if his fiance is a conservative person who is against it.  He will fight for full custody and likely win if the judge is conservative. 

[Alice Rogers]

A miserable parent often makes for a ... well, a miserable parent. For him to stay unwillingly wouldn't necessarily be in a child's better interest.

I am not suggesting he stay and remain miserable, but there is more to it than just walking away.....
Their son will always need both his dads.

[blink]

Their son will always need both his dads.

What does that imply about children in single parent households? Sometimes a parent dies when a child is young. Sometimes couples split and only one parent raises the kid. It's not ideal, but people manage it. If OP can't handle the situation at all, or if as wheat thins are delicious points out, OP does want to be there but gets pushed out of the kid's life, I don't see how suggesting those are completely untenable does anything but add guilt.

The idea that once someone has children, they aren't allowed to permanently leave the kid in someone else's care, under any circumstances, strikes me as similar to suggesting married couples should never be allowed to split up. Badly complicated situations are bound to happen, where making people think they aren't allowed to leave, makes things worse.

[Alice Rogers]

What does that imply about children in single parent households? Sometimes a parent dies when a child is young. Sometimes couples split and only one parent raises the kid. It's not ideal, but people manage it. If OP can't handle the situation at all, or if as wheat thins are delicious points out, OP does want to be there but gets pushed out of the kid's life, I don't see how suggesting those are completely untenable does anything but add guilt.

The idea that once someone has children, they aren't allowed to permanently leave the kid in someone else's care, under any circumstances, strikes me as similar to suggesting married couples should never be allowed to split up. Badly complicated situations are bound to happen, where making people think they aren't allowed to leave, makes things worse.

What I was trying to say was that any child who is loved by 2 living parents is always going to want/desire contact and love from both of them. Sorry if I wasn't clear on that.

[h3llsb3lls]

I have three kids. My parents know and accept me, my husband's parents... not so much. They have no clue. They will though, once I'm fully out. In any situations you have options. You have the option to live as male, just as he has the option to not be in a relationship with you if need be. There is no such thing as an ultimatum or an impossible situation. You have to decide what will ultimately make you happier so you can be the best parent and person you can be. If you are miserable, your kids will be miserable. Trust me, I'm the kid of a miserable mother, and her issues definitely shaped me. Whatever you decide, just know that there are people you can turn to. You are not alone.

[Ianianian]

Your fiance said he'd support you no matter what. You have to have a serious sit down conversation with him- one that he can't avoid or weasel his way out of- and tell him that this is it. This is the no matter what. This is who you are and you are not going to change. You need to talk about the feasibility of moving out, making a plan for exactly how long it'll take and where you can go and how you can make it work. Because you can't live an authentic life where you are and it is in the best interest of you, your husband, and your child that you are really living as the person you know you are rather than just surviving. You can't just survive like this forever, it's going to come to a head at some point. And the sooner you guys can get yourselves out of that house and on your feet the easier it will be to smooth everything over with the parents.

Obviously, it won't be an easy conversation, but you need to know right now, before you guys are married, whether or not he'll really be able to accept the real you. You say it makes him sad that you want to transition. Do you know what SHOULD make him sad? His fiance being miserable in their body when it is a problem that can be fixed. He has a miserable fiance. That is sad! Trying to move toward your authentic self? Not sad!

Also, you don't have to move out right away either! But putting a plan in place that you will be able to reasonably act on should make you feel better, knowing this is not how things are to be permanently.

[devention]

Agree. Have a serious sit down with your fiance and tell him that transition will make you happy, and you'll need his support in order to be able to complete it.
I think the first step is going to be finding a place of your own to live. That may be difficult. I don't know what kind of careers you have/if you have careers. But you're going to have to get out and be on your feet before you come out to them, because it sounds like they're the type who would A) boot you out on the street and B) try to drive your fiance and child away from you.
If money is an issue for you, it may be worth it to move south. I know that southern states get a bad rap re: acceptance, but there are communities that will accept you and the south is MUCH less expensive than NY.
Keep us updated with your journey!

[Edge]

I don't have much advice other than what the others have said: have a serious talk with your fiance and get out of your in laws' house.
I also have a son and used to live with my ex-fiance with his parents who I hate. We broke up for other reasons, but regardless, that's a rough situation to be in.

[makipu]

I refuse to even make friends because people usually assume and think of me as the F. gender let alone be in a relationship. 

[pianoforte]

You need to be you.

I understand that situations can be complicated. Mine is, and I don't even have a child to consider.

It seems like you might need to get away from your partner's family. If that means waiting until his mother no longer needs your care, consider whether that is acceptable to you. If you have to leave the situation for your sanity, you have a right to do so.

If you are going to stay in the situation with your future in-laws, is there a way you can spend some amount of time presenting male outside of the house? Or a support group you can attend, or a group of feiends who will acknowledge you as male?

Does your fiance acknowledge you as male when not around family? If not, perhaps he needs reminding.

Are you financially able to leave the environment you are living in if it gets too overwhelming? If so, hold on to that option. Whether by yourself, with your kid, or with your fiance and your kid. You can't be happy trapped there, so you shouldn't have to.

If leaving is certain to tear your (more specifically his) family apart, consider the costs and benefits. To You. And to your child. If your fiance can't leave his family, perhaps you could live apart for a time. I know this requires money, so it might not be an accessible option right now. I know that it requires a lot of work to prevent any cherished relationship from fracturing.

But you need your sanity and you don't deserve the abuse you have been putting up with.

I would also sit down and have a long talk with your mother about who you are, how you identify, and how to respect that. You need at least some family who will respect you and honor your identity with correct ponouns and terms of endearment.