So complicated. Advice?

[SoloSam]

So, hi,

I've been lurking here for ages, never having the courage to actually say anything but my life has gotten extremely complicated lately and I need advice.

I almost transitioned back in 2009 but I ran out of money (and support) and gave up. Back then, I was married, and hated everything about myself and my life. Eventually I met someone else, and we've been together ever since then. I told him when we met about me, and he was completely understanding. But despite him and I knowing what I wanted, I ignored it, trying to play wife and be good for him, but now that I've turned 28 years old, it's hit me like a ton of bricks that I am NOT happy. At all.

I love my boyfriend, but our relationship hasn't been great. I don't really consider us romantically involved anymore, and frankly I'm okay with that. Anyway, I told him again that I was serious and I wanted to start my transition for real and he totally flipped out. (He's a struggling-alcoholic and it sent him into a bad relapse.) Because of that, I told him, "nevermind, I'll stay the same." But I can't. I just can't. I cannot imagine myself to live my life this way any longer. I need to be who I am inside, and he needs to understand that. I don't think he does, though. Over 6 years together, we own a business together, and we have a house together, and I am seriously willing to lose it all to be happy. But telling him what I want could mean being kicked out, on my own, with no job and no where to go. So it's really difficult to figure out what to do here.

Here's where it gets complicated. (Please, don't judge me, I know I'm terrible.)

For my entire life, since I was 13, I have pretended to be a guy online, because it made me feel good. Made me feel accepted, because no one really knew otherwise. So I started doing that again, a couple of months ago, and I'm on tumblr a lot. Anyway, I met a lot of people who really enjoy my company (as Sam) and none of them know the real me. That's fine and dandy for people I know I'll never meet, though I would love to be honest. But the thing is, I met someone I really, really like. She knows me only as Sam (I even went as far as sending a fake pic, when we met. I never expected it to get this far.) I honestly feel like I could love this girl, but I am SO afraid of coming out to her, that she'll reject me. And I DEFINITELY don't want her to know me as I am now, as a girl. I want her to know me as Sam, and it gets tough because she wants to voice chat (which I use a voice manipulator for) and she wants me to send pics, which I obviously can't.

I WANT to start the process as soon as possible, but giving the circumstances, I don't know what to do. I guess I need a job, but that kind of leaves my boyfriend stranded. If he would allow me to work with him and continue to stay here, at least until we can figure ->-bleeped-<- out, that would be great. But I don't know how to approach him.

Any ideas or advice on any of this?

(SORRY FOR HUGE BLOCK OF TEXT.)

[pianoforte]

I've been with my partner for over 7 years, and am having similar issues. I didn't come out to him when we met because I was in denial/hoping he would fix me. I'm in a place where I'm about to end the relationship with him, even though we have pretty much had a good relationship, because of my own need for space and a combination of all of our mental issues... so I very much feel for you, even if our situations are slightly different.

Honestly, it seems like you might need to get out of this relationship. You say it hasn't been a super great relationship lately, hasn't been romantic for a while, etc. Those are signs that you could be in a better relationship with yourself, someone else, nature, god, or just-not-this-boyfriend.

You could definitely break up for other reasons, and don't even have to mention the gender stuff. You could theoretically still work together in business, even if you are no longer able to be romantically involved, or even live in the same space. Financially, you could maybe make this work if you saved up for some period of time, right? Like, get enough savings for a few months rent on another place, and while you save money by not going out, spend the time you would have spent going out looking for work somewhere else?

Also remember that you can't cause him to have a relapse or "drive him to drink" -- those things happen because of his emotions, reactions, responses, and in some cases because of his choices. If you need something for your sanity, you can't put his sanity or sobriety before your own. That is his responsibility.

I don't see anything wrong with exploring your identity online. Many folks here would say that your friend does know the real you, and the non-real you is the one living daily (offline) life. Sending fake pictures or telling lies can be an ethical issue, but if you want to be close with someone, eventually taking that risk and coming out to them becomes something you have to decide. I lied about my age to join an 18+ forum when I was 14; I'm still friends with a lot of the people there even though they eventually found out about that.

I don't know if you have romantic feelings for this person, but you could always tell your boyfriend you've met someone else, if you needed an easy out from the relationship. I know that sucks and probably will screw up your working relationship and living situation... but if you need to get out and have space to become your true self, it might be worth it.

Being in a monogamous relationship with an alcoholic or addict, or any person with severe mental health issues, is extremely difficult and not necessarily noble. The relationship can lose a lot of reciprocity so that you are constantly caring for this other person and neglecting yourself -- and they're not caring for you either (in any material way). So what happens to you? Plus, you being there as a caretaker sometimes makes it so that they don't have to take care of themselves or love themselves or work to make their own lives better.

I understand if you want to stay with him, for whatever millions of reasons you might have that you didn't mention here. Or even if it's for the basic financial reasons that you mentioned, about owning a business together and having shared living space.

But you need to live your life. If he can't handle that, or if you can't handle the way he handles that, you have no responsibility to be in a relationship with him. He has no right to make demands that you not be true to yourself.

Maybe your friend from online would be a better match 😉

[james-felix]

Hey

It sounds like you're ready to start taking steps towards medical transition, and that's awesome.

Honestly, your relationships - with your partner and this other girl - are really small things in comparison. Not that they're actually small things, but transition changes things on a much deeper level, and in the grand scheme, relationships tend to be a blip on the radar. I don't know what to say about this situation, but try to keep in mind that being true to yourself will shake everything up but still manage to be totally worth it.

[Kreuzfidel]

I can't relate and don't really know what to say about your relationship with your current partner, but the second bit - I felt I was reading my own story.

For my entire life, since I was 13, I have pretended to be a guy online, because it made me feel good. Made me feel accepted, because no one really knew otherwise. So I started doing that again, a couple of months ago, and I'm on tumblr a lot. Anyway, I met a lot of people who really enjoy my company (as Sam) and none of them know the real me. That's fine and dandy for people I know I'll never meet, though I would love to be honest. But the thing is, I met someone I really, really like. She knows me only as Sam (I even went as far as sending a fake pic, when we met. I never expected it to get this far.) I honestly feel like I could love this girl, but I am SO afraid of coming out to her, that she'll reject me. And I DEFINITELY don't want her to know me as I am now, as a girl. I want her to know me as Sam, and it gets tough because she wants to voice chat (which I use a voice manipulator for) and she wants me to send pics, which I obviously can't.

I was in this situation with my wife.  We met on an online forum - I presented as male (with an avatar pic that was not me, just someone I wanted to look like) and she took me as just that.  I joined this forum on a completely unrelated topic to being trans or meeting "someone", so meeting her and falling for her was completely unanticipated. 

Like your situation, she started to request photos and I just sent ones of the man in my avatar.  I also never expected it to go anywhere, so didn't think much of it - until I started falling for her. 

Let's just say - 2 years of deception and making up excuses as to why I couldn't talk on the phone/let her come and see me - led to a massive heap of heartache and lies on top of lies.  Finally, I came out to her - expecting her to dump me.  She didn't.  She was crushed with the lies that I had told and that I'd let it go on for so long, but she still loved me and accepted me for me.  She only told me that she wished I'd just told her the truth from the start.

So, what I'm trying to say is that it's not too late.  But if you care for her and want to pursue a relationship with her, just please learn from my mistakes and tell her now before the lies cause you both a world of pain.

[SoloSam]

...

But you need to live your life. If he can't handle that, or if you can't handle the way he handles that, you have no responsibility to be in a relationship with him. He has no right to make demands that you not be true to yourself.

Everything you said was great, but this line resonated with me the most. I have always been the type to want to fix people, and I've always ignored my own well being. I do love him, because we have so much history, but it's time for me to make a change and do what I need to do for myself. With or without him.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Knowing I'm not alone in my struggles definitely helps to make hard decisions.

Hey

It sounds like you're ready to start taking steps towards medical transition, and that's awesome.

Honestly, your relationships - with your partner and this other girl - are really small things in comparison. Not that they're actually small things, but transition changes things on a much deeper level, and in the grand scheme, relationships tend to be a blip on the radar. I don't know what to say about this situation, but try to keep in mind that being true to yourself will shake everything up but still manage to be totally worth it.

I understand what you mean, but it's like I said, I have a lot of history with my partner. There's a long story behind it, of course, but I can't just leave him in the dust. Thank you for your input though. I know you're right about being true to myself. It's just difficult.

I can't relate and don't really know what to say about your relationship with your current partner, but the second bit - I felt I was reading my own story.

I was in this situation with my wife.  We met on an online forum - I presented as male (with an avatar pic that was not me, just someone I wanted to look like) and she took me as just that.  I joined this forum on a completely unrelated topic to being trans or meeting "someone", so meeting her and falling for her was completely unanticipated. 

Like your situation, she started to request photos and I just sent ones of the man in my avatar.  I also never expected it to go anywhere, so didn't think much of it - until I started falling for her. 

Let's just say - 2 years of deception and making up excuses as to why I couldn't talk on the phone/let her come and see me - led to a massive heap of heartache and lies on top of lies.  Finally, I came out to her - expecting her to dump me.  She didn't.  She was crushed with the lies that I had told and that I'd let it go on for so long, but she still loved me and accepted me for me.  She only told me that she wished I'd just told her the truth from the start.

So, what I'm trying to say is that it's not too late.  But if you care for her and want to pursue a relationship with her, just please learn from my mistakes and tell her now before the lies cause you both a world of pain.

Yes! Your story gives me so much hope and courage. I don't want the lies to build up and just ruin everything. I know it's going to be hard as hell, but I just have to be honest with her. Hopefully she's as accepting as I think she is. Thank you for sharing! It really has helped me a lot.


Does anyone have any advice on how I should approach my current partner and talk to him? I'm just really nervous.