I'm going to apologize in advance for this massive wall of text I'm about to post!
I knew at 4 years old that I was female even though I was born male and at 5 years old I learned what utter fear of being myself was and why I could never tell anyone about how I felt about myself especially since I live in the DEEEEEEEEP south. That nearly destroyed me as I was about to turn 30 when I crumbled from years of trying to fake being a guy when I knew I just wasn't one. I happen to have ADHD and I am autistic, nothing my parents ever did caused me to feel the way I do. No amount of trying to be a manly man ever made me a guy. My parents saying that they had a son and not a daughter did not deter me, but it did cause great amounts of stress and pushed me back into the corner where suicide was a constant daily fight for me to continue on when all I wanted to do was just give in and give up and leave this world for good. I'm glad I didn't because now that I live authentically as the person that I feel that I am happier now than I've ever been in my entire life. So many family photos were taken of me where I physically could NOT smile and it's really sad to look back at those old pictures as you can see no happiness in me by my facial expressions especially once I got into my 20's. I can look back at my childhood and honestly say that yes I actually did have a good childhood even though I struggled with my own identity in dismal silence. My parents stayed together, they provided a roof over my head, I had plenty of toys and clothes, I never ever went hungry and my parents do truly love me then and even now. Yes there is daily struggle for me, I am single and live on one income while I try to afford to transition with little hope of being able to afford the few surgeries that I want that's deemed cosmetic by the general public. Your child if you allow them to explore themselves can possibly avoid something that is currently dogging me each and every day of the week. I have a good paying job that I like other than the fact that I was a "guy" there and nobody knew I was transgender until I came out and announced that the following week I'd show up as a woman. I for what ever reason was very well respected by everyone, I don't know if that's just because I'm incredibly nice and can't hate anyone or if it's my typically sunny demeanor even though nobody knew the torment that was going on just under the surface. But after I came out I experienced a large shift in how I was treated, 50% of the people were proud of me for being me and the other 50% have begrudgingly tolerated my existence there at work. I lost a lot of my friends but in the process of it all I have actually gained more REAL friends than I ever had before but it is still hard to smile and say Hi to people who turn their heads away as if not seeing me makes me disappear and not even talk to me even if I'm asking them an actual work related question. It hurts a lot as sadly my transition has shown me some of the darkest sides of people that I once called great caring people. I'm lucky that upper management has my back and fully supports my transition at work. I do just fine when I'm out in public, I had quite a few bad experiences and had to fight my issues with my autism tooth and nail but I eventually learned how to look "decent" and then I started getting treated much better. Now that I've been living full time authentically I never get called sir nor does anyone mess with me and I'M LUCKY & PRIVELEGED in that retrospect because I somehow won the genetic lottery and once I got on hormones that winning streak kicked in and I'm a 5'11" tall amazon sized woman but people that meet me regardless if they know that I'm transgender because I either tell them or they met me through the transgender activism I do can't ever picture me as being a male. By their own admission they literally can not see anything in me but a woman and as much of a compliment that is it's also a source of great pain as it makes me look back and regret not coming out at an early age before I hit puberty. I lose sleep sometimes when I really begin to think about how much different my life could be had I came out and was able to transition in my teens verses what I'm doing now as a 30 year old adult. Once again I'm lucky that testosterone only did limited damage to my body in the 29 years that I lived as a guy the only big issue I had was training my voice but even so I got lucky there too as I am musically talented. With all the ups and all the downs I'm glad that I stuck around and decided to move forward and transition as I want to be on this planet now and just over a year ago I wanted nothing more than to be a forgotten memory forever gone from this planet.
What I'm getting at is listen to what your child is saying. Let them explore themselves as this very well could be a phase or it could be 100% real and this is what your child wants. Let them decide that and do your best to encourage and protect them the best you can. They will still have to face the world on their own terms and you as the parent needs to be there cheering & supporting them on, even if they are on a path that you do not want. My parents still have a lot of problems with my transition and routinely tear my heart out by asking if I'd like to go back to being their son but they still love and support me. They just don't want to face the reality that all of their dreams they had for me as their son will never happen and that they will have to form new dreams for their daughter that will never be able to give them grandchildren. It will be VERY hard on you to see them as another person but do it for them, that simple act of allowing them to be themselves can make the difference between them wanting to say in this world or leave it. You are already doing some of the right things, you are turning to others for help and understanding which is A LOT more than what most other parents do when their child says they are transgender. Right now is a pivotal point in your child's life as if they are under 18 and transitioning is what they decide they need to do then doing it as young as possible will greatly increase their chance at having a successful transition where they don't have to face the nastiness of public ridicule. You may have to move and change schools once/if they decide to start presenting authentically as in many cases it can be easier to enroll your daughter in a new school than to have them transition in one where they have been know for X amount of time as Mike. Kids will be jerks and some kids will be great, you just never know but one thing to count on is that PARENTS will be jack wagons about your child being transgender because they are afraid of what that means or that their kids might "catch" that too or be confused...ect people's minds go wild and makes them do dumb things. Transitioning before you are an adult is much better than doing it as an adult, at least in my own opinion as I can only give the adults perspective.
Onto being autistic and being transgender. For me they are not related at all but one does greatly effect the other, being autistic did not cause me to be transgender but being autistic causes me to be scared out of my damn mind when I'm out in public living authentically. My autism revolves around people issues for me, crowds, fears & anxiety and somehow which makes no sense to me loud noises from people talking in a crowded room but I can tolerate loud noise from machinery, playing my guitar in a band....ect. Basically I have a really hard time connecting with people and being in public & social situations and at the same time being in those situations causes me to have panic attacks and huge amounts of anxiety. I didn't find out I was autistic until after I had been diagnosed as being transgender and the reason why was because even though I desperately wanted to be me I found myself being crippled every time I stepped out the door and ventured all alone out into the public knowing I DID NOT LOOK GOOD AT ALL. The fear & anxiety in my mind would just go out of control and suddenly I'd start believing that the things that were all in my head were actually happening when they weren't. It took a lot of therapy for me to understand what was going on and how I could combat my autism from running wild, I have to fight those panic attacks, stop myself from believing the fears that I have and to push myself out of my comfort zone and little by little it has worked but not without great pain. Being transgender is scary as heck because you always have to be on your toes watching everyone just in case something does happen but then you toss in having autism that makes you believe your worst fears compounds everything. What sucks the most is that I am so damn lonely and yet I fight myself so incredibly much to make contact in person with other people. On the outside they see me as a typical woman who isn't the best talker in the world but on the inside I'm nearly freaking out having panic attacks and all I want to do is just run away and hide in my apartment but I keep fighting the autism because I now know that everything with fears are nearly completely not realistic but I still have to stay on guard because I AM a transgender woman who is still in the early stages of transitioning.
Now before I started transitioning I had all of the same issues with social situations. I LOVED routine and I still do even though I fight that too. I could plan out exactly what I would do for entire months in advance as in I knew exactly what I would do throughout the entire day to a tee and if ANYTHING broke my routine I would go off the deep end and flip out. Then for family functions I could never engage into them, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to interact, I just didn't want to be there and that ruined so MANY family trips & outings that I still beat myself up over because I couldn't get my mind to shut up and to allow me to enjoy the moment. Going anywhere out in the public made me sick, being drug to events with my family took every ounce of energy I had to not have a panic attack from being around all of these people and then even though I knew it wasn't actually loud the noise of the crowd would be so loud I'd get dizzy. I preferred to be alone even though I wanted to be around people I just could never feel comfortable around anyone that I hadn't known for a long period of time. Myself and my family always shrugged it off as I'm just being a fuddy duddy and an introvert. I didn't know any better and it wasn't until I started therapy for my transgender issues that the connection was made. As a child and up until my late teens I'd be bullied and beaten up constantly. I was a very thin kid and very short and scrawny. I couldn't connect with other kids because both me being autistic and me being transgender fighting & suppressing my feelings always left me disconnected from the other kids. I still carry the physical scars on my body from some of the beatings I received to this day and that all happened 20 years ago almost.
As far as sexuality goes I was always 100% Asexual growing up & from 18 until I started transitioning. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to admit it but I am a true virgin, I have never even kissed another person let alone gone all the way. Gender and sexuality are entirely separate and for me I always identified as female and felt that way through and through but I could never force myself to like girls as a guy. I had more than a few breakdowns because of that and even when I was in complete denial mode during my late teens up until I came out as transgender I could never make it past talking a little bit with a woman and somehow suddenly make myself be interested in them sexually. The same was for guys, I am NOT a gay guy. That whole logic behind people transitioning because they were born male and like males by sheer chance so therefore they must become a woman is ludicrous. My parents pleaded to me that they would rather me be a gay man than to be transgender and be with a man. What's still sad is that for the most part I'm still Asexual but the more inline my body is getting with my mind I am noticing that I actually might either be Bisexual or possibly pansexual as I am attracted to some guys and I'm attracted to some women. In most cases I can NOT see myself being sexually active with either male/female/trans/gender non conforming until my body matches my mind and that fact creates a big disconnect for me plus the fact that I'm autistic and I'm severely lonely but because my autism makes it very hard for me to form very personal relationships I'm at a disadvantage in the dating scene because I have a hard time being comfortable around them even if I am actually attracted to them and oh because I'm also transgender that puts people off when they think about being romantic with you and in some cases can cause some very physical backlash.
Lastly this brings me up to surgeries. I have the hardest time explaining to people how I can feel that I don't have a penis even though I have one until I can do the surgery I want. I just know what should be down there and yet I can't give a concrete answer as to why I feel that way other than I just know in my hearts heart what is right for me. I can't deny what my brain is telling me now that I have the right hormones flowing through my body. It's been a night and day difference for me as I dealt with tons of anxiety, depression and some very violent outbursts from all of the body dysphoria I was suffering from and within a very short time span of two weeks nearly all of that went away once my testosterone was blocked and that I had estrogen flowing through my body. It cleared a thick fog that had been hanging around in my mind for so long and at the same time it also reinforced the fact that I desperately need to have some surgeries done to allow my body to match my mind as best as possible. Even though I know I'll never be genetically female I am still fine and accept that reality as long as I am happy being me and not have this body & mind disconnect. Plus I have no use for the plumbing I have down below and as far as I'm concerned for myself, I just don't have a penis. I know some transgender women chose to keep what they have either by choice or financial reasons and it's their choice what they want to do with their body. I just can't see myself being a woman and not having a vagina. My parents do NOT like this fact about me but they can't stop me as I am an adult and I better than anyone know what I want for me.
My parents have gotten to witness something rather magical about my transition. Before I came out I was completely withdrawn, sad, depressed, I could not smile even if I tried to, wanted to do nothing, was alive but not alive but they were afraid to talk to me about my issues. After I came out and started talking they saw me start to change in positive ways. I became less and less withdrawn, I actually smile, I'm happy, rarely ever depressed unless something bad actually happens, I can smile and my smile is beautiful to see, I want to do things, I am alive and best of all I am not suicidal anymore even though I'm still in the tough stages of my transition. What parent wouldn't be happy about seeing their child change in such positive ways?
