Am I crazy to start RLE pre-HRT?

[Stephanie00Rayne]

So my original plan was to start RLE at work the same day I started HRT... but that was when I thought HRT would start sooner than its going to.  My psych. has written her letter of recommendation for HRT but said it will prolly take 2-3 months to get in a see the Dr. she works with.  I was hoping to start HRT this month.. now its gonna be closer to december.

I have come out to everyone in my office that I work with.. although none of the guys in the shop know yet, Management will be letting them know via verbal communication with a letter from the top management (we are a small company, top management = Owners and my managers).  Some (managers) have known since April/May... I've told the rest of the co-workers in the last 2 months.

Now I pretty much do everything aside from work as Stephanie.  At home i'm always in "girl mode", i've made a few trips to the grocery store at Steph on weekends (on weekdays I usually just stop for groceries on my way home from work in "boy mode").

I've kinda let my boss know that I was thinking about coming back after the Thanksgiving weekend (this weekend for Canada) on Tuesday as Steph... and basically starting my RLE....

I'm FREAKING out now... My boss hasn't spoke to the shop guys YET, but i basically have to make up my mind ASAP.   My dad has suggested I just do it, a gf of mine said the same thing, and another gf of mine said I should do it when I feel ready... but I don't know what ready feels like.  The first day at work will never get easier... whether its next week, next month or next year........

So Why am I freaking out... Should I just do it?  Argh!!

Any help ladies?

[Dee Marshall]

HRT is slow and everything is in place. Why not go for it? It's not as if you would wait for HRT to feminize you.

[Athena]

Do what you feel is right for you, I believe that the nhs in the UK requires 1 year rle before starting hrt. People do it either way so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[Carrie Liz]

Nope. All three of my closest MtF friends were full-time before even starting hormones. Yes, being early in transition is very hard when you're pre-HRT because it's a bit harder to pass, but as someone who waited to pass, (which took 14 months of HRT,) putting myself through mental hell while I was waiting and waiting and waiting to pass while still being stuck as male in the meantime, just going right for it might actually be the better option. For better or for worse, going full-time right away teaches you to develop a thick skin and grow your own sense of self-worth much faster, while waiting and hoping can be downright torturous in its own right.

As long as you have a stable life situation where people are going to be able to handle it, and you're not going to get stuck in a situation where you have no job and no money if things don't go well, it might be worth it to just do it and get it over with.

[Mariah]

It sounds like your pretty much out already, why not just finish the job and get it over with. As long your up to doing that theb going out before HRT will turn out just fine. I started full time just about 2 and half months before HRT. In the end it comes down what you and you alone are ready for.
Mariah

[Stephanie00Rayne]

HRT is slow and everything is in place. Why not go for it? It's not as if you would wait for HRT to feminize you.

I suppose you make a valid point.

Do what you feel is right for you, I believe that the nhs in the UK requires 1 year rle before starting hrt. People do it either way so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

I'm not sure what feels right at this moment as it is completely overshadowed by fear. haha

Nope. All three of my closest MtF friends were full-time before even starting hormones. Yes, being early in transition is very hard when you're pre-HRT because it's a bit harder to pass, but as someone who waited to pass, (which took 14 months of HRT,) putting myself through mental hell while I was waiting and waiting and waiting to pass while still being stuck as male in the meantime, just going right for it might actually be the better option. For better or for worse, going full-time right away teaches you to develop a thick skin and grow your own sense of self-worth much faster, while waiting and hoping can be downright torturous in its own right.

As long as you have a stable life situation where people are going to be able to handle it, and you're not going to get stuck in a situation where you have no job and no money if things don't go well, it might be worth it to just do it and get it over with.

My life is fairly stable.. I've been at this job for nearly 3.5 years now, and they fully support me and want me to grow with the company so I certainly don't risk loosing my job. 

I definitely don't have a thick skin... negative comments and worrying what people think of me have always affected me through-out life.  Everything you said though makes a lot of sense.  I don't know why, but it's so hard for me to not care what others think or say about me.

It sounds like your pretty much out already, why not just finish the job and get it over with. As long your up to doing that theb going out before HRT will turn out just fine. I started full time just about 2 and half months before HRT. In the end it comes down what you and you alone are ready for.
Mariah

I guess I pretty much am out as it is..  My main concern right now is that I've not done much to transition my voice, so in a office environment where communication is key, i feel like that is something to worry about... but at the same time will be my opportunity to work on it too I suppose.


Thanks for the replies.. they are very helpful.

[Mariah]

I recommend working on your voice then. Sounds like you have tried a little. What do you think of it?

[Stephanie00Rayne]

I recommend working on your voice then. Sounds like you have tried a little. What do you think of it?

It's ok.. worked on it a bit with my therapist and she thought it sounded decent, and in the car driving to and from work... but it's not something I can do naturally yet. 

[Mariah]

Naturally takes time and practice. Considering it sounds like it is passible now then RLE will help with both of those things. I'm still not completely happy with mine either. I suppose part of that is how I feel it should sounds and where I would ultimately like it to be.
Mariah

[Julia-Madrid]

Hiya Stephanie

Starting RLE is not about waiting for things to be perfect, but rather for you to feel ready to step out in the world as Yourself.  Don't worry too much about your voice - it will improve as you get into the groove of being Stephanie.

My feeling is that HRT is a nice helping hand, but whether you start it now or in 2 months is not so relevant - you're already a girl

As long as you feel comfortable about turning up at work as yourself, go for it.  Sure, there will be butterflies, but you'll get mobbed by work colleagues wanting to give you a hug.  It's cool.

Hugs
Julia

PS. I thought my voice was lousy.  Then one night a taxi driver told me what a sensual voice I had.  Have faith in yourself, girl!

[AnonyMs]

I'm not sure what feels right at this moment as it is completely overshadowed by fear. haha

You might be feeling overshadowed by fear, but you're looking pretty brave from where I stand.

I guess I'm not helping much here, but I would have (did) taken the HRT first, at least for a short while. If  it turns out you don't like it then its easy enough to stop, but you can't undo coming out. You've already done that so I guess it doesn't matter from this point of view.

[Ms Grace]

Starting RLE is not about waiting for things to be perfect, but rather for you to feel ready to step out in the world as Yourself. 

THIS!

If you feel you can pass then go for it. Have you tried many (or any) outings in girl mode? It's good to get a bit of practice before full immersion. Full time is quite exhilarating  especially at first. But the thing to keep in mind is that there are many mundane aspects to daily girl mode. Getting ready in the morning certainly takes longer, even after six months it still takes me about 15-20 minutes longer. Do you have to wear a uniform at work because if not you will need to grow your wardrobe ASAP. Voice is one thing but how is the beard removal going because that can be a major pain to be removing it while presenting as female (with laser you shouldn't shave for a day or so after treatment, same with electrolysis except you also can't shave for a couple of days before.) Anyway, these are just things to keep in mind, if you feel ready don't delay!

[Stephanie00Rayne]

Hiya Stephanie

Starting RLE is not about waiting for things to be perfect, but rather for you to feel ready to step out in the world as Yourself.  Don't worry too much about your voice - it will improve as you get into the groove of being Stephanie.

My feeling is that HRT is a nice helping hand, but whether you start it now or in 2 months is not so relevant - you're already a girl

As long as you feel comfortable about turning up at work as yourself, go for it.  Sure, there will be butterflies, but you'll get mobbed by work colleagues wanting to give you a hug.  It's cool.

Hugs
Julia

PS. I thought my voice was lousy.  Then one night a taxi driver told me what a sensual voice I had.  Have faith in yourself, girl!

Thanks Julia.. Like I said, it's just hard for me to determine what being ready feels like.  I mean, I spend near enough every minute outside of work as Stephanie, but I don't have a big social life either so I spend a lot of time at home, which I do enjoy most of the time, although it can be boring.

Most mornings when I'm getting ready I cringe at the thought of putting mens clothes on... is that a sign that I'm ready or just massive dysphora in the morning (kinda like morning wood)? lol.

You might be feeling overshadowed by fear, but you're looking pretty brave from where I stand.

Thanks Ms.

THIS!

If you feel you can pass then go for it. Have you tried many (or any) outings in girl mode? It's good to get a bit of practice before full immersion. Full time is quite exhilarating  especially at first. But the thing to keep in mind is that there are many mundane aspects to daily girl mode. Getting ready in the morning certainly takes longer, even after six months it still takes me about 15-20 minutes longer. Do you have to wear a uniform at work because if not you will need to grow your wardrobe ASAP. Voice is one thing but how is the beard removal going because that can be a major pain to be removing it while presenting as female (with laser you shouldn't shave for a day or so after treatment, same with electrolysis except you also can't shave for a couple of days before.) Anyway, these are just things to keep in mind, if you feel ready don't delay!

I think I'm fairly passable, I posted pics in another thread in the MtF section..  As mentioned, I been to the grocery a handful of times, been shopping with a g/f once, been thru multiple drive-thru windows for coffee/food. That's about the extent of my outings.  No uniforms, thank goodness, just a casual office environment.  As for wardrobe, I've been working on that a lot... I've got about 11-12 pairs of jeans/pants, and as many tops.  Shoes are my lacking point, but that's something I can get away with what I own right now.  Outerwear I'm lacking on (coats).. and with Fall fast approaching where I live I'll have to get something soon... but that's no biggie.

As for facial hair, I'm pretty lucky that it only grows on my lip and chin, and is quite easy to keep smooth.  And being blonde not sure how well laser/electrolysis would work, but I would still like to get a consultation.

[suzifrommd]

I say, start right away. Who knows what HRT will do for you or how long it will take. Life is short, and every minute is precious. Too short and precious to spend any of it being someone you're not.

Don't worry about passing. Some of the happiest trans women I know are those who know they will never pass but are thrilled with their transitions.

Enjoy the ride, Stephanie.

[Misato]

I had an RLE long before I started HRT and I was only on low dose HRT when I went full time. I did get a couple of rude comments which still happen on rare occasion as I close in on two years. That said, I feel my experience has been characterized by overwhelming support. Even in my early days when I still had caterpillars for eyebrows.

[Stephanie00Rayne]

I guess I got RLE and FT definitions wrong.. I kind of thought they were the same thing.

[missymay]

I'm a believer in putting your best foot forward, so working on one's voice, having electrolysis, and being on HRT for several months would all work in your favor, but if you feel that you are ready to go full-time now, and you have a good support network in place, everything may work out well for you.

[Stephanie00Rayne]

Well, I didn't message my manager this weekend to tell him to not go ahead with letting the guys in the shop know about the changes that are coming.  So I am guessing sometime about now he is meeting with them to hand out a letter we came up with explaining the situation and what is expected of employees regarding discrimination, etc.

Should be an interesting day now that basically the whole company knows (at least all the people that work in this office location).

Tomorrow will be day 1 as Stephanie at work.... (if I can gather the nerve to walk out the front door tomorrow morning).

[Alice Rogers]

I had been presenting female full time for 2 years before I started my hormones, uif you feel the need then just go for it hun! It's not about looking female its about feeling female, or it was for me. I literally woke up one day and I couldn't bring myself to present as male for one more day, I shovelled all my guys clothes into my fella's wardrobe and never looked back.

For me it was a good decision.

Alice
xx

[Stephanie00Rayne]

I had been presenting female full time for 2 years before I started my hormones, if you feel the need then just go for it hun! It's not about looking female its about feeling female, or it was for me. I literally woke up one day and I couldn't bring myself to present as male for one more day, I shovelled all my guys clothes into my fella's wardrobe and never looked back.

For me it was a good decision.

Alice
xx

Awesome Alice!  I have trouble most mornings when I walk up to my closet and have to reach for some article of clothing from the male half of my wardrobe.  It will be nice to purge it from my closet.  I'm sure I'll be spending a hefty amount of time this evening picking out a outfit for my first day at the office tomorrow. haha.


So apparently all the guys in the shop have been told (I was just notified by my manager).  No one really said much, not that I would expect them to in front of management, but he said they were alright about it when he told them.