transitioning with young children

[michelle82]

Hi all

New member of the site. I'm 32 years old and a mtf transwoman. I've recently come to terms with my identity and ready to start making steps in transitioning. I've been in therapy for about a month now, and plan on attending some of my local trans support groups coming up.

One thing I haven't really been able to do is get others perspective on having young children and transitioning, and what things i should consider in both the short term, as well as the long-term. I currently have a 2.5 year old daughter and not only am I not sure how to proceed in the short-term, I have worries on what types of long-term effects it could have on her social development and experiences as she gets older. She is able to communicate and is now old enough to understand the difference between males and females, and she understands that her Daddy and other people's daddy's are males.

Is there anyone on the forum who has already transitioned with young children and been through the whole process? or even someone in the middle of the process?

1. What is the best way to come out to a 2 year old. I'm not sure they really understand something as deep as this, at this age.
2. Did you have your child still call you Daddy/Dad, etc, or did you have them switch to Mommy?
3. For the folks that have gone through it with young children where your kids are now older, what was the overall experience/process like?

Unfortunately my therapist has no experience with transgender patients who had having children. So i appreciate any feedback and insights you guys might have.

[h3llsb3lls]

I'm not going to be terribly helpful, but I have a 4 year old, a two year old, and a 10 month old. I am not full time yet, nor am I sure what I'm going to do I/r/t coming out to them. But a member recently shared this blog and it has helped me a lot.

http://firsttimesecondtime.com/2012/04/12/nothing-lost/

[michelle82]

kira21, if you see this, thanks for sharing some personal information with me in your PM. i Would reply there, but i don't yet have access to this probably due to my post count. but thank you!

any others out there with children who don't mind sharing your experiences?

[meganjames]

I'm in the same boat. 2 young children (both under three). I'll be coming out soon to my wife, but I have no idea how to manage the kids.

Megan.

[BreezyB]

I have four children, two boys and two girls all 11 or under. The youngest is 4. Ive come out to their mum, we're separated, and I'm now working through how to approach the children about it. I'm working with my therapist and will hopefully be in a position to speak with the children in a few months.

A two year old is very young, I personally wouldn't speak to the child just yet, only because I would be surprised if the child understood. What I do know thjough is the messages need to be age appropriate, so I will speak to my children separately. Also having their mum on side will help I think. There are also a number of great kids books that may help. I haven't read this one but it looks quite good. Regarding whether the kids will call me dad in the future, I doubt it. I think of it in terms of if we were out shopping, and I look 100% female, yet the children call me dad, that may raise some eyebrows and make the children feel uncomfortable. I was thinking of a different name, someone suggested simply 'Dee' as in Dad but sounds more feminine. Its a tough one but I know that I have to prepare myself for the worst, the kids may not want to see me again, which would break my heart.

http://www.amazon.com/My-New-Mommy/dp/1482757192/ref=sr_1_4/177-7128982-3754953?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413118055&sr=1-4&keywords=Children+of+transgender+parents

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

kira21, if you see this, thanks for sharing some personal information with me in your PM. i Would reply there, but i don't yet have access to this probably due to my post count. but thank you!

any others out there with children who don't mind sharing your experiences?

You are welcome :-) x

[michelle82]

I have four children, two boys and two girls all 11 or under. The youngest is 4. Ive come out to their mum, we're separated, and I'm now working through how to approach the children about it. I'm working with my therapist and will hopefully be in a position to speak with the children in a few months.

A two year old is very young, I personally wouldn't speak to the child just yet, only because I would be surprised if the child understood. What I do know thjough is the messages need to be age appropriate, so I will speak to my children separately. Also having their mum on side will help I think. There are also a number of great kids books that may help. I haven't read this one but it looks quite good. Regarding whether the kids will call me dad in the future, I doubt it. I think of it in terms of if we were out shopping, and I look 100% female, yet the children call me dad, that may raise some eyebrows and make the children feel uncomfortable. I was thinking of a different name, someone suggested simply 'Dee' as in Dad but sounds more feminine. Its a tough one but I know that I have to prepare myself for the worst, the kids may not want to see me again, which would break my heart.

http://www.amazon.com/My-New-Mommy/dp/1482757192/ref=sr_1_4/177-7128982-3754953?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413118055&sr=1-4&keywords=Children+of+transgender+parents

Hi Breezy

Thanks for the book suggestion. I also tend to agree at 2 years old, I don't think she will understand much, let alone even remember me as a male in say 10 years from now. My main thing is as she grows up and has more interactions with people and society. I dont want her to feel uncomfortable with me. But it is tough because she knows her daddy and she knows the fundamental differences between male and female now. She also realizes that Dad's are male and Mom;s are female.

I dont think she will have difficulty with the change at this age, but it's really the long term effects that I worry about. I feel as the years go on, the better my ability to be stealth, the easier it will be not only for myself but for her as well, as  long as I'm in her life.

[BreezyB]

That's very true, kids that young will no doubt not remember much. I certainly don't remember things from when I was 2 or even 4 years old. But your right, because even my 4 year old daughter knows the difference between mum and dad. But I do wonder how much she identifies, as I do more feminine type things with the girls. I do their hair, nails etc. so they don't think of me as a real manly man I think.

When I made the choice to transition I realised that no doubt some people will be hurt, so all I can do is try to minimise the damage I may do in their lives. As sad as it makes me to say, that includes my children. I mean I decided to transition now, knowing full well the implication for the children. I weighed it all up and decided transition was nesesary right now.

It doesn't mean I don't love my children, I do enormously. But I do need to be very considerate and smart about how I approach the subject of transition with the kids. Do you have a therapist you work with?

[Monica Jean]

Following this topic closely. I'm just starting my transition, my kids are both fresh teenagers andiI fear my son will be ridiculed and be made fun of due to my transition.   

[ashley_thomas]

I didn't say anything to my 2 year old and 4 year old at the time (now 4 and 6).  I just started gradually changing my presentation for two years and when complete told them I felt like a girl so I was going to be and act like one. That pretty much did it.  There will be more questions in time and I'll answer them age appropriately at that time.  In the gradual shifting I answered questions like "why are you wearing a pink shirt" with "because I like pink" and that was the end of it.

We way over think it with the little ones IMO.

[Gothic Dandy]

When I figured out I was trans, I was comforted by the fact that a good friend of mine is the daughter of a transwoman, and is a wonderful, kind, happy, and relatively well-adjusted (compared to whom I tend to spend time with) person. I have little worry about how my own daughter (18 mos) will grow up, because I will make an effort to put many adult role models into her life, and make sure she feels loved and accepted for who SHE is. Young children are kind of narcissistic by nature.

Here are the things my friend told me, and even though these are only the experiences of one family, I hope you all find this helpful.

1. When my friend's dad transitioned, she told her children that she loved them very much and was proud to be their father, but was really a woman and was going to begin living as one. I think the kids were about grade-school age. I haven't thought about what I'm going to do, but I will need to make it a point that women don't normally "grow" into men like mommy, especially since she herself is female.

2. My friend still calls her dad her "dad" even in public. I'm female and would still want my daughter to call me "mom". I gave birth to her and I'm proud of that. I was worried how this would look in public, but my friend assured me that transitioning in itself takes so much courage and willpower, that hopefully I'd be proud enough of my family and my body that I didn't care what strangers thought.

3. I can't speak for myself yet, but as for my friend, she grew up to be a wonderful person. She's married, child-free, happy, and isn't without problems but gets through them alright. She participates in her dad's pride parade float every year, and is clearly on good terms with / loves both of her parents. She did admit to me that it was weird having a transgender family member, but she grew up with people who were supportive of her dad's decision, and supportive of trans issues in general. Her parents were already divorced for non-gender issues before the transition.

I feel weird speaking for my friend for point 3, but I hope the other stuff I passed on is helpful.

[michelle82]

@Gothic - thanks for sharing its good to hear the some of the more positive stories.

@Breezy- Yeah when you weigh out how your own decisions might effect others
Especially your children it causes some serious doubt and fear. Its impossible to know how this might affect a child in the longterm but i guess i can only hope that as long as both of the parents love and care the child that is the best we can do. In some ways i feel im being selfish and should not have brought a child into the world without having my life sorted out from the get go. I can only pick up the pieces though and move forward.

The big thing for me is her getting older and being asked who or where her daddy is. Im fine with telling her myself but i don't want her to be put in a weird situation to have to explain and then be ridiculed for it. Or worse..

[ImagineKate]

I talked about this with my therapist today and we sort of developed a plan for doing things in small steps to see how it goes.

The biggest thing is that I need to slowly but surely come out at home. Not just talk, but dress more often in front of the wife and kids. I am not going to start wearing dresses in front of them just yet, especially since they might start talking about it in school... but we're headed that way.

Seems like a good plan.

"Where is daddy?" Daddy is still here but parents could be called by a different name. I know that I always want to be there for my kids.

[michelle82]

I talked about this with my therapist today and we sort of developed a plan for doing things in small steps to see how it goes.

The biggest thing is that I need to slowly but surely come out at home. Not just talk, but dress more often in front of the wife and kids. I am not going to start wearing dresses in front of them just yet, especially since they might start talking about it in school... but we're headed that way.

Seems like a good plan.

"Where is daddy?" Daddy is still here but parents could be called by a different name. I know that I always want to be there for my kids.

thanks for sharing ImagineKate. I think that will also be my approach is small steps, but i haven't really talked to my therapist in detail about it. Keep me posted on your progress!

And to clarify it's not that i worry about explaining things to her myself, i worry about her being questioned by others, and being uncomfortable having to explain or being ridiculed. Other kids can obviously be pretty harsh especially when you don't fit into the norm.  I recall how difficult my own childhood was for being different.

Also incase anyone else is interested. I discovered a group called COLAGE (www.colage.org) which is a nationwide support group for children with parents who are transgendered. I've reached out to them for resources, literature, specially aimed at younger children.  I will keep you updated with my progress as well!

[Jessica Merriman]

I didn't say anything to my 2 year old and 4 year old at the time (now 4 and 6).  I just started gradually changing my presentation for two years and when complete told them I felt like a girl so I was going to be and act like one. That pretty much did it.  There will be more questions in time and I'll answer them age appropriately at that time.  In the gradual shifting I answered questions like "why are you wearing a pink shirt" with "because I like pink" and that was the end of it.

Great words of wisdom and way to deal with the younger one's. Kudos!

Mine are 16 (daughter) and 15 (son). My daughter moved in with her mother and changed her last name because the "church" said I was evil and perverted. We have not talked since. My son accepted me fully and has been my rock throughout all of this. He does not mind being seen out with me and will defend me from others. He does not get picked on or made fun of in school. This could be because he is in the 10th grade and is 6'4" and 270 pounds of muscle. It has been good for him in other areas. He now protects other kids with gender issue's, disabilities and makes the smaller kids feel like giants. Some lucky person will get a fantastic SO some day! Younger kids are amazingly resilient because they do not have deep seated opinions and absolutes yet. Like Ashley put so well, just don't shock them and do it gradually. You should have no problems. 

[DanielleA]

Hi Michelle82. I don't have children but I have met a couple of transwomen with kids. There was this one lady who bought her two girls to this group thing at nerang australia. Those 9yro girls where called names at school  because of the situation but I asked them about their socalled dad, becoming another mother. They said that they love ( forget the name ) no matter what and they didn't care at all what ( name ) looked like. Being a childcare worker, I can say from experience that at 2yro there might be a little adjusting but they don't really care about looks, it is the emotional attachment that they cherish. So as long as you (In whatever form) are there for them. It's ok. It would be more the external input that could sway your child opinion. good luck for the future.

[ImagineKate]

It's been what, a week and change?

Of course my wife initially wasn't happy with the changes at home, but the kids are indifferent. My wife still uses the incorrect pronouns but I'll let that slide for now. We have to develop a plan to change them.

The kids are indifferent. At home I wear almost exclusively femme clothing but not skirts and dresses just yet. They still love me as they always do.  School I have not approached yet but it may happen sooner rather than later. However their school is a religious (catholic) school so there is a challenge.

[michelle82]

Kate how old are your kids if you dont mind me asking?

[ImagineKate]

Kate how old are your kids if you dont mind me asking?

They just turned 4. They're triplets, 2 girls 1 boy.

[ImagineKate]

I am not going to start wearing dresses in front of them just yet, especially since they might start talking about it in school... but we're headed that way.

Aaaand we are officially "that way" now. I now wear dresses and skirts at home in front of them without issue. They don't say a thing, and one of my daughters actually started counting the stripes and saying the colors on my red/black striped leisure dress... lol