transitioning with young children

[Tessa James]

I agree that simple answers such as Ashley suggested are best for young ones while your willingness to answer questions as they arise seems appropriate.  I have two adult children, three grand kids and 1.7 great grandkids.  (one is on the way)

My first coming out was as a queer and/or Bi person when my kids were in grade school.  That was hard and still is for my son who seemed to want a real man around.  My daughter, on the other hand, loved my boyfriends and we remain very close.  My second coming out as transgender 2 years ago was not any easier for my macho son.  He did talk to me about how, when he looks back on his life, my real identity "made sense" as he felt he was "being raised by two women anyway."  I have had very good acceptance from 2 of 3 grandkids but my son refuses to let me see his son.  Guess my point is that our children may have a feeling sense about who we are prior to any big announcements.  I also work with transgender youth and families and the younger generation's attitudes are much more progressive and tolerant IMO.

Good luck Hon.

[BreezyB]

Well I have a development to add, and quite a milestone for me. Two weeks ago I spoke to the children. Two girls, two boys.

Youngest is my 4 year old daughter, I didn't initially speak with her but have now. I just kept it very light, friendly and simple. I've been doing her hair and painting nails for way long so I think she just went 'huh?'.

My next oldest was my 7 year old daughter, she got it pretty well in fact, and has been fine with it all. Again we do lots of girl stuff together so she just wanted to know that it wasn't going to change anything.

My two boys are aged 9 and 11. My 9 year old is a very warm hearted loving child, he took it very well. He even said, 'I still love you dad' and 'it doesn't make me sad dad' because I was crying myself at this point.

Now my oldest son is 11, I don't think he initially took it that well. We spoke for around 10 minutes but he ended up asking if we could stop speaking about it. He's going through puberty himself so it's a tough time. But he's been great this weekend so I think I just need to give him some time.

In fact we all went out to a picnic with a girlfriend and her daughter today and the kids were fine. I think their a lot more resilient than we give them credit for.

I must say, it's a huge relief that they now at least know. They will understand the changes that are happening at least. But I'm not wearing really femme clothesl around them, keeping things androgynous.

[Kamiki]

I am so happy for you.

My word what an amazing result.

Congratulations!

Kami

[ashley_thomas]

My 6 year old asked if I will have long hair when I'm a girl all time.  He's got it now.

My 4 year old niece on the first time meeting asked why I am dressed in girl clothes and I said because I've always felt like a girl so I was going to start being one.  Second time we met she called me aunt Ashley and said nothing about my gender stuff.

Kids are refreshing.

[BreezyB]

My 6 year old asked if I will have long hair when I'm a girl all time.  He's got it now.

My 4 year old niece on the first time meeting asked why I am dressed in girl clothes and I said because I've always felt like a girl so I was going to start being one.  Second time we met she called me aunt Ashley and said nothing about my gender stuff.

Kids are refreshing.

Aren't they just, I think their much smarter than adults. But that's so cute, your 6 year old clearly really 'gets it'. And your niece sounds so adorable, naw I bet it was so good to hear her say that. Talk about not being mis gendered. I mean, when a 4 year old cN get it right what wrong with some adults lol

[Tessa James]

It is historical now but back in the early 70s my son intuitively knew his "dad" was different.  Our culture was also less accepting.  I was finishing nursing school but my son told his grade school people that i was a cop or a fireman (like my brother).  I was the one who tucked my son in at night with a kiss and a bedtime story or chat.  I was the one who made dinners and held his hand when we hiked in the woods.  Ya, he knew who i was and is still rejecting me to this day.

As parents we have a very real responsibility to our children and community.  I'm sorry to admit it doesn't always work out with a loving relationship in the end.  I do a bit to stay in touch but cannot recommend a diet of one way love for an adult child.  I like to believe that it is easier today for all of us to be ourselves without such hurtful discrimination.

[Monica Jean]

Found a simple article today, but it's to the point and reminds us not to project our adult views & limits onto kids:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marvi-matos/on-the-other-side-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly_b_6063974.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000050

[BreezyB]

Found a simple article today, but it's to the point and reminds us not to project our adult views & limits onto kids:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marvi-matos/on-the-other-side-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly_b_6063974.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000050

Great article Michelle, and like you said, to the point and in my view so true. The simple state that stands out for me is "The mistake adults make when thinking about children's reactions to deviations from the "norm" is assuming that children are somehow going to be traumatized."

Yep, and we are often pleasantly surprised. My children are just carrying on as normal now. They were even so proud when I took them to see where dad works, it didn't matter that I was dressed femme and they simply lived in the moment, it was great

[michelle82]

thanks all for sharing  your experiences. Its a definately a tricky path to navigate. But i agree with the general sentiment, that we probably overthink a lot of these things.

I'm fairly confident that my little child will not be traumatized by seeing me female.  So far i've only been doing small things at home, like painting my nails, wearing more feminine clothing, growing out my hair, etc.

I haven't had any sort of "talk" with her yet, as she is very young, and you can only communicate so much to a 2 year old.  So i'm just living for the most part, and will be ready to answer any questions that she might have as the come up.

ultimately my long term goal is to be fully transitioned and living stealth by the time she is going to school (3 to 4 years from now??). This way we can hopefully avoid any social stigmas that might arise or any embarrassment or ridicule she might face by her peers.

[michelle82]

just to update in case anyone is curious. Today marked a pretty big day for me.

My daughter's mom has now moved into her own place along with my daughter.  We spent most of the day just getting her settled into her new home, as this is a big step. Everything went very well, and my daughter loves her new home.

All in all the my ex has been fairly supportive, but it's especially important that we stay friends and allies for the sake of our child. As I continue my transition, I dont want it neglect the relationship with my daughter.Its bad enough that I feel a significant amount of guilt for splitting up the family. I worry that if the relationship with my child suffers I will feel even worse!

[Monica Jean]

Thank you for the update Michelle.  Please keep us updated, I am interested in hearing your story.

[Gothic Dandy]

just to update in case anyone is curious. Today marked a pretty big day for me.

My daughter's mom has now moved into her own place along with my daughter.  We spent most of the day just getting her settled into her new home, as this is a big step. Everything went very well, and my daughter loves her new home.

All in all the my ex has been fairly supportive, but it's especially important that we stay friends and allies for the sake of our child. As I continue my transition, I dont want it neglect the relationship with my daughter.Its bad enough that I feel a significant amount of guilt for splitting up the family. I worry that if the relationship with my child suffers I will feel even worse!

That is great to hear. I'm glad it's been smooth so far. I hope I can reach a similar outcome with my own little family 

[peky]

I never told my kids anything, and I have 5 kids (boy, boy, girl, boy, girl). My attire, mannerisms, etc., were always androgynous.

One day when my youngest girl was 13, she asked me: "since what age you knew you were a girl?" I answered: "pretty much since I can remember."
Oh! she said.... after a pause I asked her: "When did you learned about it?" She smiled and said: "Oh, I always knew your where a she-dad!"

I got curious, so one day when we all of us were having supper, I asked my oldest: "when did you knew I was a trans woman?" He said: [Well, I seen you wearing ladies undies all your life, so, one day I asked Mom why? She said: "well, because he is has always been confused about his gender," so I figure you were a transgender person].

The point of telling my story is that kids are pretty intuitive and have ways of figuring things out...

My advice is to love them, be yourself, reassure them that you will always will be their father, and provided them with direct answers ,short and appropriate to their age,  to their questions...

Good luck !

[michelle82]

Just a quick update.. my 3 year old last night said that she wouldn't give me a hug because hugs are for girls. Then I said that daddy is actually really a girl but I was born a boy. She seemed to become very defensive about this is started yelling at me telling me "no you are a boy!! And "i dont want you to be a girl" This went on for a few minutes and it was very difficult for me to hear. It made me want to just run away to be honest. I realize little kids can't really understand something like Transgender when they are just learning the idea of boy and girl. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. There doesn't seem to be anything I can really say to make her understand.

Her mom is supportive of me thankfully, and suggested that I just don't say anything anymore to her because it obviously rattles her a bit. Just be myself and not  talk about it. She sees me when I'm dressed female and have makeup on etc, and it doesn't seem to bother her at all. So  I might take her mom's advice and just not talk about anything unless she asks me questions.

I just don't like having to reaffirm to her that I'm a boy because it not only does it kill me to say it, it reinforces to my daughter that I'm still a boy, which is not true!!!

Help!!!

[ImagineKate]

Just a quick update.. my 3 year old last night said that she wouldn't give me a hug because hugs are for girls. Then I said that daddy is actually really a girl but I was born a boy. She seemed to become very defensive about this is started yelling at me telling me "no you are a boy!! And "i dont want you to be a girl" This went on for a few minutes and it was very difficult for me to hear. It made me want to just run away to be honest. I realize little kids can't really understand something like Transgender when they are just learning the idea of boy and girl. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. There doesn't seem to be anything I can really say to make her understand.

I am thankful that I never had it that hard. On advice of my therapist I explained the whole trans thing to my 4 year old triplets, using the word "transgender" and they are OK with it. In fact I have to tell one of my daughters to be quiet because when we are out shopping she will say something out loud like, "daddy you want to be a girl right?" And she would smile from ear to ear.

The most opposition I've gotten was,"Daddy why are you wearing a DRESS? Dresses are for GIRLS." Then I explained the whole trans thing and she said,"OK daddy I always love you." The rest of them really don't say anything about my gender presentation.

I'm honestly at a loss as to how to proceed in your situation. I guess give her some time and take baby steps with her.

[michelle82]

I am thankful that I never had it that hard. On advice of my therapist I explained the whole trans thing to my 4 year old triplets, using the word "transgender" and they are OK with it. In fact I have to tell one of my daughters to be quiet because when we are out shopping she will say something out loud like, "daddy you want to be a girl right?" And she would smile from ear to ear.

The most opposition I've gotten was,"Daddy why are you wearing a DRESS? Dresses are for GIRLS." Then I explained the whole trans thing and she said,"OK daddy I always love you." The rest of them really don't say anything about my gender presentation.

I'm honestly at a loss as to how to proceed in your situation. I guess give her some time and take baby steps with her.

thanks Kate, i know you and I are one of the few folks on the board with young children so i always like hearing from you and your experiences. I think I might try using the words transgender next time like you said. She doesn't have any issues with the way i look or dress right now. Its just if i tell her I'm a girl, she doesn't want to hear it. But yeah i think I'm going to just stay quiet for now and not really talk about anything unless she asks me something. Hopefully as I continue to feminize she will realize things better. There might be some fear that Ill be gone if i turn into a girl. She recently had a lot of change in her life within the last 6 months. (She moved into a new house with her mom, and I don't live with her anymore). So there may be a bit of anxiety in her, even at her age. She obviously understands the difference between boys and girls now, and she knows that dads are boys, and moms are girls. So its like I'm throwing a wrench in her understanding of it all. Plus I'm sure other family members and her daycare school are also reinforcing the binary gender roles. Her mom (my ex) is being pretty open minded and not forcing down any strict binary gender stuff, so I'm appreciative of that.  But you are right, its just baby steps I suppose.

Hopefully our experiences can help educate others in similar situations. Even though it upsets me in my current situation, Its good that we are capturing different ends of the spectrum when it comes to children and their acceptance for us.

[Sammy]

This thread surfaces up just in time!
I have 3.8 y.o. daughter and she is spending weekends with me. We have come to an agreement that she calls me Emy in public places, but in private she still calls me the way she likes, "daddy" included. And yes, she does slip from time to time and she has a tendency to suddenly start speaking about her mother in the most inappropriate time (gotta love the kids ). One of the issues, which has come up so far, is that when people are seeing both of us together, they assume that I am her mother, and treat and address me accordingly (like, 'Here little one, give this change to mommy" etc etc. I have also received congratulations on Mother's day, which felt... awkward and not really deserved).
Still, kiddo is too small to pick these up and make her own corrections like: "No, this is not my mom, this is my dad!" (but, knowing her, the time will come). I recently spoke to her about boys and girls (I have no idea, but she has picked up a lot of gender stuff, like "boys can play with cars, but girls can play whatever they like, plus use a lipstick. And pink stuff is for girls exclusively." - btw, I used to have fears if she might have some transgender issues due to genetics and whatnot, but she seems to very very girly). 
So, I wanted to make sure if she understands the differences - and she does. She genders people with almost no mistakes but until recently she refused to gender me and her mom. Mom was simple (her name) and I was Emi. Now, apparently they had some lessons in kindergarten, because last week she told me that she was wrong - mom is a girl. "And what about me?" I asked. "Well, You are a boy then..." (not much choice, huh?). I spoke to her that I am still Emi and things are a bit more complicated - lets agree that I am neither a boy or a girl for a while, and she accepted that. I dont want to make strong statements for which she might be later corrected in kindergarten (because teachers there dont know and it is not really their business ).

[ImagineKate]

Maybe living with her mom is what's kind of driving her resistance to your transition and true self. Your ex is open minded but you are right, your daughter is under a lot of stress right now.

I did notice once my kids went to school that their knowledge of binary gender roles became more reinforced. Their peers plus (believe it or not) their teachers are probably responsible.

Take it slow and ease her into it. She is young. She will come around one day most likely.
Michelle, lots of hugs for you girl. If you ever want to talk about parenting etc I'm always open.

[michelle82]

Maybe living with her mom is what's kind of driving her resistance to your transition and true self. Your ex is open minded but you are right, your daughter is under a lot of stress right now.

I did notice once my kids went to school that their knowledge of binary gender roles became more reinforced. Their peers plus (believe it or not) their teachers are probably responsible.

Take it slow and ease her into it. She is young. She will come around one day most likely.
Michelle, lots of hugs for you girl. If you ever want to talk about parenting etc I'm always open.

Since my last post, things have definitely changed for the good. With patience and some support, my daughter is being much more accepting of things, there haven't been any other negative responses to report. She is even using female pronouns when referring to me. Luckily there was  only one or two negative response, so it was sort of an isolated incident.But as you said its just allowing time for things to settle in.

i'm also now more out at her daycare which i have to visit 3 times a week to pick up my daughter. They see me in female presentation now. I haven't had any issues yet, other than occasional stares from other parents.

All in all I'm being more comfortable with myself, which makes parenting much more easier especially out in public. Going into my transition, i had the dreadful fear of transitioning as a parent, and the types of negative crap i might receive from society. most of it is in my head of course. There may come a time where i might have to deal with some idiots, but until then, I'm trying to not worry about it.

[KristinaM]

Just read this thread and I really enjoyed it all.  Best of luck to all of you as you and your families learn to adjust to having two mommies. 

My situation is a little different.  My wife is pregnant with our first child, due in September!  I don't know how quickly I'll be moving in the future with my transition, but I suspect things will go pretty smoothly with the young one since she'll very nearly have two mommies right from the beginning.  I hope at least...

Though, I'm still kinda stuck on how to feel about it.  I mean, I'm supposed to be a woman, yes.  BUT, I'm still this child's biological father.  Do I still get Father's Day and she gets Mother's Day, do we both share each, do we both celebrate Mother's Day and skip Father's Day?  I'm proud to be this baby's PARENT, but I don't feel it's my place to call myself a mommy or expect my wife to acknowledge me as such.  Maybe that will change.

Do any of you have experiences to share on how you dealt with the switch from daddy to mommy?