Didn't know where else to go for answers MTF brother?

[pumpkininthesun]

I am hoping not to burn down the internet, but I have some questions that may seem offensively ignorant. Please understand that I am writing this out of love and not trying to hurt anyone!

My brother and I are 34 year old fraternal twins (the non-identical kind). I was born female and he was born male. Our entire lives we have been very close, shared a room until we were 13. We talk about everything! I do mean everything, I have to stop him from sharing explicit details of his sex life. Two months ago he told me he was transgender and a woman. I thought that was something that people generally knew when they were children. But it doesn't seem like something he even considered until recently. A year and a half ago he was pumping iron at the gym and wanting to be a body builder. Sometimes the comments he makes seem like he's putting down women. I am so confused.

I want to be supportive, but I don't know what to think.

[perrystephens]

They may just be confused or going through a phase (I'm going to use they because you weren't clear about the pronoun they prefer), but another thing you should take into consideration is that a lot of us act a little too much like our birth gender at first so we don't accidentally out ourselves. That being said there are many people who are in denial until WELL into their adult life. The best advice I can give you is to just be supportive no matter what gender they identify with but also make sure they go to a gender therapist before do anything drastic like taking unprescribed hormones. Also, refer them to this site and assure them that we are a supportive community and will help in any way we can. Maybe they will decide they would rather stay male, which is okay. There's nothing wrong with someone exploring their gender identity and deciding they're cis-gendered after all, but there's also nothing wrong with someone taking a while to figure it out. I recall a poll on this website that asked how old people were when they realized and a significant amount were over 40 when they realized they were trans. In our society it's hard to admit, even to ourselves, when we are different from the majority especially because of all of the miseducation and stereotyping that is spread about trans people. But just remember overall to be supportive. The suicide rates are very high for the trans community especially for those with unsupportive families.

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

Hay pumpkin, and welcome to Susan's! ♥︎*Hugs*♥︎

First of all, your questions are perfectly natural, so don't feel bad hun   You're trying to understand, which is never a bad thing.

To answer your questions:  While many trans* folk know their identity early on, others don't until later, and some who do feel they have to hide it even from themselves and it doesn't come out in the open until later in life.  For me personally, I'm 28 and only came out to myself about a year ago.  God knows how I managed to deny it for so long because I've had persistent thoughts of being female and a strong discomfort with masculinity since my early teens, but somehow I managed to do it.  It's entirely possible that your sibling has been through much the same - trying to "play the part" society has assigned to them even though it goes against what they know deep down.  This may well be where the body-builder and other behaviours a-typical of males has come from - not a genuine interest, but rather a coping strategy to "fit in".

Of course, it's also entirely possible they may be into masculine things in spite of being female - your tastes and interests don't define your gender (although it can be an indication to an extent).  Again, relating to myself - I have a degree in Astrophysics and work as a software engineer in the avionics industry.  We have plenty of women here who have been in the armed forces and other similar a-typically masculine roles for many years.  It's surprisingly not uncommon.  The same is likely true for any sexist comments they may have made over the years - they probably wanted to appear to "be a guy" and so they said "things that guys say".

I don't want this to get too long and overwhelm you with too much info, so if you want a deeper explanation then feel free to ask!   In the meantime, this article may be of use to you at this point, so definitely have a read over it:

http://darahoffmanfox.com/gender-transition-how-you-can-help/

I hope I've helped your understanding hun, and like I said, feel free to ask as many questions as you need ♥︎*Hugs*♥︎

[LordKAT]

Hi ,

Gender is often known but the knowledge that bodies can be successfully changed to fit that gender isn't. Acting overly male when you know you are female is not unheard of at all.


Welcome to Susan's. We have a lot of information that may help you and your twin. your twin may have been able to talk with you so easily because of being female.


Please be sure to review

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

[Julia-Madrid]

Hey Pumpkin, welcome.

You've not said anything ignorant; it's a new world for you, and probably for your twin.  Let's call her "her" - it's just easier.

Some of us know when we're very young.  Others of us have an inkling of what we are when we are young, but we lack the vocabluary to express it.   We know that things are "not right", and when we run back the video tape of our lives, we see so much stuff that, in retrospect, is obvious.

Denial is a huge issue, and the feeling that you'll be a freak, condemning yourself to a terrible future.  I knew what I was when I was 25 and it took 20 more years to take a leap of faith.   It's a hard thing to come to terms with when you have essentially been living a smouldering lie for a long time.

Body building?  Well, I did it on and off for decades,  hoping that a "properly" male body would make me feel more at ease with myself.  (Thankfully I could never gain bulk!)  But when you know that you prefer to be with the girls at parties, or you wish you could fit into that dress in the store window, or furtively buy nail varnish and makeup,  you realise that you're just fooling yourself.

You don't tell us much about your twin.  If she's an analytic type she may well have her story very clear.  No matter.  Sit down with her in a relaxed environment, and ask her to explain how she has come to her decision.  Listen without prejudice. Tell her that you will be asking challenging questions, and not to feel that these are an attack.  Family needs to feel sure that a loved one is not making a terrible mistake.  Both of you need to be patient with each other - a sense that someone is the wrong gender for their body and mind does not necessarily come fully formed, and you both will need to evolve.

There are many subsequent steps, but start here.  I hope this helps.

Julia

[pumpkininthesun]

I want to thank everyone for being so awesome. I was really afraid that some of the things I feel like I need to ask someone might start a fire storm.
A little bit of the more...
I am worried that my twin may have thought that certain aspects of his life would have been easier if he had been born a girl. Not that he thinks that his life will be easy as a trans woman, but a sort of wondering in reverse if we had been identical would his life be different. Maybe even more like mine?
I love him and wouldn't trade him for an Identical twin, but...

The easy stuff. He is currently single. He does go out with his friends sometimes and he has been trying online dating. He sometimes says he thinks it would be easier to be in a relationship if he had been born a girl. I do understand that this may be his awkward way of expressing that he is uncomfortable expressing himself as a man looking for a relationship when he really feels like a woman, but I also worry that he is unrealistic about what may happen if he transitions. He is 6'2" 330lbs and built like linebacker. He will never be able to not have someone guess with one look at him that he was born a man. And I may be wrong, but I feel like there is so much prejudice out there that he will have a harder time finding a relationship NOT an easier time as he sometimes expresses.

A little deeper. This is something he and I never have discussed and I don't really know how to talk to him about. I am a college graduate. He is not. He is deeply ashamed of this and extremely jealous of me for this. We both went to college (different schools), but he partied too much and failed his classes and dropped out. Our mom was disappointed and angry at him for wasting the opportunity. He is absolutely smart enough to have completed college if he applied himself.  As I typed this I had a hard time putting into words exactly how this created a huge gulf between us in a way other people might understand without making it sound trivial. I know that he deeply regrets not finishing college, but for a long time he was so ashamed of this and he expressed it as intense rage. I know that being male or female has nothing to do with college, but I am the female twin and the one who finished college. I wonder if he thinks to himself if only I was more like my twin (Identical even) then maybe I could have graduated and not have these huge burdens to bear. Also, although he never completed college he has more student loans than I have ( different schools, different financial aid packages). So he has a monthly reminder in the form of painfully high debt.

[pumpkininthesun]

a note about the previous post some people have suggested that I use feminine pronouns and call my twin my sister, but I chose not to in order to try and illustrate my concerns in the way my twin experiences the difference between us where he wishes there were none.

There is one more similar issue and it is probably the biggest, but I can not even find the words to express it right now so I will have to consider and post later.

[adrian]

Hi pumpkin,

It's great you chose to join here for your twin!

Some thoughts regarding the things you describe: they could be totally separate issues from the "gender issue". They could also be symptoms caused by your twin questioning their gender or their feeling that "something" isn't right (this is about as much as I knew for the last 30 something years, before I was capable of saying to myself and others "I am trans").

The only way to find out is speak to them, let them explain how they feel. For me, this is the best way to gain clarity about how I feel - speaking with others who will listen and ask questions, sometimes even supposedly "naive" or "stupid" questions.

And one more thing - I know many of us yearn to "pass", but ultimately passing is not the most important thing. For me, transitioning is about trying to feel a little less alienated from my body and myself. About feeling a bit more whole.

[adrian]

Deleted - accidental double post

[Julia-Madrid]

Hello Pumpkin

After reading your replies a few times, I have a few observations.

It is maybe a hopeful dream of your twin to think that his world would be, or would have been better if he'd been born a girl.  Honestly, this is unprovable, and leads nowhere useful.  But it is in line with someone trying to run away from their present life.

Flipping to the other side, the fact that he's big and tall is not an impediment to transitioning and living as a woman.  But it does require immense courage and a thick skin, and the women on this site who have similar situations have come to terms with it, and have my immense admiration.  (See Pikachu's thread this week on height - it is informative!)

If he's looking for a relationship, this is another question.  Many of us (that means me ) get married partly in the hope that it will cure us, or at least distract us enough to permit us to function more or less normally.  Sometimes it works.   

The picture you are painting is of a person who could benefit by clarifying his mind.  This means therapy.  Some people consider therapy to mean that you're nuts, but the reality is far from this.  As a matter of formal process all transgender people in civilised countries are obliged to undergo therapy, as part of transition but many of us started it long before, as a way to understand and cope with our frequently complex minds.  The result of the therapy may be a formal diagnosis of gender dysphoria, or it may simply provide the person with coping mechanism for day-to-day living.  But if therapy is taken seriously it provides a mass of personal growth and insight. 

I wanted to return to the point of things being easier for your twin as a girl, or if he'd been you and completed college.  Maybe they might be, but without exception all my girlfriends and many work colleagues talk about male privilege they've had to overcome.  I am starting to see this myself, but am fighting it.  For most of us it's s price we pay, albeit grudgingly.

The dynamic you have with your twin sounds quite complex.  Perhaps to the extent that some joint therapy may be good for both of you.

No panaceas here, but plenty of signposts...

Julia

[pumpkininthesun]

So I guess the real question here is that I want to support my twin, but as I have mentioned I have some concerns that this may be something else altogether.

I want to be able to say the right things so that she doesn't feel rejected if the only real issue is that she has been afraid to tell me for years.

But I don't want to make it seem like I always wanted a sister and that I would be disappointed or that I ever was to have a brother.

[adrian]

Hi Pumpkin,

I understand. You'll have to find a balance between supporting your twin (and making it clear to them that you'll support them whatever they decide), but of not "pushing" them into either direction.  Be neutral but supportive. They'll have to figure out themselves - ideally with the help of a therapist - how they identify and what the consequences of that may be. Just make it crystal clear to your twin that you stand by them and that you're not going to abandon them.

If you are in a position to suggest therapy to them, or maybe even help them find a therapist, that would be a great thing. But you have to decide if that's possible (they may feel you're not taking them seriously if you suggest therapy).

I'm sure that together you'll find a way of handling this well

[Julia-Madrid]

So I guess the real question here is that I want to support my twin, but as I have mentioned I have some concerns that this may be something else altogether.

Yes, this is a perfectly good line of reasoning. My sister was extremely skeptical of me, not for the same reasons, but she did very clearly ask whether "this" might be related to something else. 

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking your twin some reasonably direct questions, and putting your concerns on the table.

And it's absolutely not a question of lying about always having wanted a sister.  My sister was, and still is, trying to come to terms with my transition, despite trying very hard to being a good sister to her newish sister.  It's not easy for family members.  While they may intellectually accept it, emotionally it takes much more time and effort, and everyone concerned (family and transitioning member) needs to be gentle and considerate.

Good luck Pumpkin... you sound like an extremely thoughtful woman, and you and your twin will get through this ok.

Julia