Anger & Self Hate

[Melanie CT]

Hi
I have been so angry inside and hate myself no matter how much antidepressants I take or therapy appointments I go to. I'm 52, married with 3 daughters. I have been transgender ever since I could remember. 3 or 4 years old. It has been a long time.

I am able to keep the anger under control at home, work and pretty much the ret of the day but there are those times when someone runs a red light in front of you I feel I snap on the inside and the anger does from 0 to 60 in a split second.

I go to therapy and talk a lot but still feel I hate myself during the day when the thought that I hate myself pops into my head and I wish I could die. I haven't talked about this in therapy but I probably should. The therapy and antidepressants did help but it won't take it completely away.

My wife knows I'm transgender but doesn't know I have feelings of transitioning and it eating me up holding it in and that's where the anger and hate comes in. My life has been getting harder to live. I have been training with karate for 15 years and for the majority of that time it helped with the depression and now not so much. It's been getting harder and harder to go train 2 to 3 times a week. Life has just been getting so hard lately.

This morning someone ran a red light in front of me and the anger spiked. When is this going to end. Probably when I do.
I needed to get this off my chest because I can't live my life the way I want to. It's hard and I have so much respect for the women and men who do change and become them self.
Melanie

[caitlyn powers]

Dear Melanie,

I too had a short fuse and often times felt the need to lash out.  In my earlier days of denial, I even had testosterone injections, thinking that would help me "man up".  But, the testosterone actually made the situation much worse, and I ended up getting even angrier and having an even shorter fuse.  After a couple of explosions aimed at my little ones (then toddlers), I knew I had to stop those shots.  Those stopped several years ago.

Fast forward to know, and I've been on HRT for two months.  I have also come out to my wife, my brother and his wife and a couple of really close friends.  I am not sure if unloading that burden a bit helped or the HRT, or both, but I have found that I am much calmer and have a much longer fuse now.  Even when I do lose my patience or temper, I do not explode or lash out. 

Have you thought about either of those options?  It's a huge burden to carry the thought of transitioning in your head all by yourself.  Why not let others help?

Best,

Cate

[Melanie CT]

Cate
Thank you
I have been wanting to open up to my wife but it has been so hard to cross that line. There are times I think I'm going to do it today and never can. I agree that opening will help I just have to do it.

How did your wife take it and react?

Like many here I am afraid of hurting her. I have so much guilt thinking about it.
Thank you for your input and advice.
Melanie

[caitlyn powers]

Dear Melanie,

I won't lie, there were a lot of tears shed when I told my wife that it was more than crossdressing.  It was a risk, but I felt that I could not carry that burden any longer just by myself, and I felt that it was too big of an omission not to tell her.  I love her, and I ended up realizing that I was not being true to her by keeping this from her.

It could have gone either way, but she told me she will support me, no matter what.  I could not be luckier.  But, we have decided to have an open relationship, which takes some getting used to.  Since I have not had much desire to play the man's traditional role in the bedroom, it seemed fair.  I also wanted to explore some desires I have had bottled up, but we'll see how that goes.

In the end, we are partners and will continue to be partners, best friends and parents to our two beautiful children.  Even with her support, it's still going to be tough.  How much do we tell our children, and how soon?  We do not like keeping secrets.  How much will the HRT change me?  Will work notice?  Will I be able to come out fully or settle for part time?  All of these issues will be difficult to sort through. But, I was beginning to hit a wall and I needed someone to share this with, and I needed to be true to my wife.

I hope this helps.  I'm happy to share more, if it does.

Best,
Cate

[Melanie CT]

Cate
What you are telling me helps tremendously. I hope I can friend the strength you found. Some days are ok but some are terrible. I hope I can keep my relationship with my wife once I do talk with her.
Thank you so much!
Melanie

[caitlyn powers]

You are welcome, Melanie.  I'm glad it helps to know you are not alone.

I will say again, that sharing this is not without risk, but then again, isn't keeping it to yourself, and letting it eat away at you, also a risk?   I am sure you will navigate this at the right pace and find the strength to make it through.  Having someone to talk too, though, like your wife, a trusted friend or a gender therapist also helps, of course. 

All my best,
Cate

[Rachel]

Melanie, hugs

I am 52 and have a daughter 17

I had gone to a point where I had to make a decision. I chose therapy and HRT. I was to a point where I could not go on any longer with the self hate and anger.

Telling my wife was the most difficult thing I have ever done. The first 6 months were very hard. We love each other very much and she accepts I am female. She does not want me to express but all in good time. I am so much nicer now and I do not get angry. There have been so many positive things from HRT for me and one is the unbelievable amount of calm I experience.

I suffer from dysphoria pretty bad and long term depression. My dysphoria now I manageable (livable) and last 2 weeks are the best I have ever felt in my life.

My daughter was told by my wife in June and she had not accepted the information. we love each other and she and my wife are my best friends. I go to the beach with my daughter, go to her softball games, have catches with her and help her with her science and math home work. She means the world to me but I have to be me. I do not express at home for her. Although, I am a jeans and shirt type of girl so I guess I am expressing a little bit.

Facing my fears, accepting who I am and liking myself have been an unbelievably empowering ride. No one tells you the journey is about growth and acceptance, but it is. I want to live now and become the best me I can be.

Work, I told about 10 or 12 people and I am gradually letting people know who I am. At 52 HRT has done wonderful things for me physically, for a 52 year old. Expectations should be low and results take time. I could be stealth for about I more year and I am on HRT full dose for 13 months and 2/3 dose 3 months starting out.

[Melanie CT]

Cynthia Michelle
Thank you for telling me your story. It is very helpful to hear what you have been through. I have to do something. No matter how many much anti depressants I take the depression is still there and will not go away until I face things.
Hug
Melanie. 

[Jera]

I haven't talked about this in therapy but I probably should.

I think you hit the nail right on the head here, in your very first post. This is the best thing you could possibly do. It's exactly what you pay your therapist for.

I do hope you feel better soon, Melanie.

[Melanie CT]

Jera you are right.

[Ms Grace]

Yes, you should talk about it in therapy. As a former angry person I can only say it stops (or at least decreases to manageable levels) when you control your anger and it doesn't control you. Part of that requires you to try and effect change where you can, seek help from others where you need it, and acknowledge and accept the things you cannot change.

[Melanie CT]

Grace thank you for the advice.

[rosinstraya]

Hi Melanie,

There are a lot of wise words underneath, and yes it is something to discuss with your therapist. The talking to your wife about it is hard, but it will have to happen. In my experience it is not one conversation but a number of talks that continue. The fact that she is already aware of part of your situation will probably help in this.

What is important, first off, is to get the anger monkey off your back. Then there's the self-hate which, again in my experience, is greatly alleviated by being honest with myself and others. Something I was not able to be for years. I'd be lying to say things are "easy" right now, but we talk and we are together.

All the best, and I wish you well.

[Melanie CT]

Thank you for the advice and support. I am so lucky to have the advice if this site. Everyone is so helpful.

[Rose City Rose]

For me, it got to the point where I was going to harm myself or someone else.  I was in danger of becoming a spree killer, and I got rid of my gun because I knew if I had one, I was going to kill multiple people.  That's how bad it got.  I was so miserable inside that everything and everyone got to me.  I got defensive and paranoid and began to feel like I was the only person in the world who felt the way I did, or that I was on the verge of going schizophrenic.

I have not had those feelings since starting hormone therapy in early 2013.  I had to deal with a lot of loss and a lot of people abandoning me, but in the end I came to see that those who wouldn't let me be myself weren't making me happy, they were contributing to the anger and it was best to let them go.

I really hope you aren't thinking about hurting yourself or someone else because that means it's really time to face the music and admit you need to do something.  I hope you make a positive choice if it comes to that, and I hope your family and coworkers will understand.

[StevieAK]

Im 49 parent of six so similiar in that regard. The self hate and hopelessness. Well i can tell you for me it has gone better than i ever imagined. A defining moment was when i told my therapist how i hated what i looked like and she said " well then change it" while looking at me like...it was obvious. Well i did and better for it..
Dont try to figure it all out all at once but go slowly forward as fast as you can.

[Melanie CT]

Rose thank you for being so open. I will not hurt anyone but not sure about myself. After you mentioned it, I have become defensive and paranoid. The medication has helped with that but I always have to up the dose as time goes on because it's seems to be temporary. I have to tell my wife and talk with her. I think the rest will be hard but talking with my wife is the hard because I do not want to hurt her.
Stevie
Thank you for advice and thoughts. Everyone is so helpful.

[Christine Eryn]

I used to have a lot of self loathing up until recently. This was an ongoing thing for more than 30 years. After years of HRT and electrolysis, I see great changes and have actually begun to like myself in some ways. Although my journey is not done, I'm definately on the right path.    I guess a person has to start on their own path to make themselves happy.

[Melanie CT]

Christine thank you. I need to get started.

[Melanie CT]

Hi. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow after work. I need to tell her everything that's going on in my head. In the past I go to the appointment after and still in work mode. Everything feels ok because my mind is busy with work things. I have to talk about the anger and hate feelings. Maybe I'll send her a text to tell her what I need to open up to. Just need to get this off my chest.