What should I do?

[Mara]

I am looking for insight into my situation and life. Even if I never take any steps toward transitioning, I think that understanding myself will help. I was male assigned at birth and live my life as a male, but I have been miserable most of my life. I have experienced unrelenting depression, social anxiety, and isolation since ages 11-12 or so. I went to a psychologist and psychiatrist in high school, and I was on anti-depressants for a couple years; however, they hurt more than they helped and didn't change anything. For a long time, I always thought of myself as a cis-male who hated gender roles and who happened to be more female minded. The intricacies of gender variance were unknown to me until recently (I'm 24 now).

When I learned how multiple cultures have a third gender for feminine men, I realized that I was like them. It is complicated though because oftentimes, in those cultures, transsexuals and third gender persons are shoved together into the third gender. Some want to fully transition and become women, and others are okay with the third gender label. Some are afforded a great degree of gender fluidity (or were historically at least), and some are able to be happy without physically transitioning. It made me wish that a third gender existed in the U.S. (and of course that it was socially accepted- like Polynesian societies pre-Christianity). So much for wishing.

I say that because I experience only slight body dysphoria, but I experience stronger social dysphoria. I was disgusted with my genitals as a child, and I did really hate my body while going through puberty. I also purchased breast/hip forms, wigs, etc. a couple years ago, but they didn't help much (I'll never pass). At this point, I'm okay with my body and have made peace with it for the most part. I would like to shave and such, but I can't imagine physically transitioning. I'd probably prefer a female body, but I don't hate having a male body.

What I do hate is social side of gender. The stoicism of the male gender role is the most suffocating thing to me. I don't get to be me because of it, so what happens is that I end up being very quiet, overly serious, and unable to make or keep friends at all. People are always commenting on it, but it is frustrating because I know that they would not accept me if I were more open. Whenever someone calls me 'dude', 'man', 'bro', or similar, it feels awful. I tend to get along best with women and gay men, and my interests/hobbies tend to be more stereo-typically female. One reason I experience social anxiety is because I feel like I constantly have to police myself. For instance, people have critiqued how I was standing/sitting/laying, my mannerisms, etc., so I feel bad. I also have to consciously lower my voice and be careful how I inflect.

The result is that I have just become so angry and full of hatred. I used to think about suicide every single day, and that went on for years. Thankfully, I am in a somewhat better place now mentally. If I could, I would grow my hair long again, wear makeup, dress differently, etc. I feel like anyone who gets to know me wont really like or accept me because, if I am honest and open with them, I'm not going to fit into the definition of man. Of course, people do not like me how I act now. So it is a lose-lose. For the most part, I avoid people.

Thank you if you read all that. Does anyone have any advice on what to do about this or how to cope with it?

[Taka]

to cope with it is impossible for most. if you want to be truly happy, the best thing is to do something about it.

but there are so many things you can do about your problem.
one of the first is probably to accept that never being yourself will break you down eventually.
it can lead to death by accident or suicide.
and the need to be yourself will only grow stronger as you age, so it's better to start doing something about it now rather than later.

how to be yourself, is a very different question.
the first advice is to see a gender therapist, or another therapist who has some experience with transgender people.

seeing a therapist may not be necessary, many figure themselves out without a therapist's help.
but it is highly likely to make it much easier. they can also often offer different options, and are usually necessary if you wish any medical treatment for transgender issues.

you are currently being "hated" for being a person who is not you, and fear being hated for being you.
i'm wondering which is worse, being hated for something that doesn't exist, or being yourself no matter how much hate you receive.
does the hate hurt less because it's not the real you who receives it?
my own experience is that it feels better to be accepted as the real me by a few, than loved as a fake persona by many.
nobody really hates me though, it's mostly my mom who thinks i'm dressing wrong.

another thing i'm wondering about is how you know the real you won't be accepted when nobody ever really got to meet the person, and much less got to know them. some would probably react negatively, but maybe not all. there's no knowing until you actually try, but it's also often a good idea to take it slowly. makes the changes less apparent, and people might become used to the real you before they realize how much you've changed.

transition is an interesting thing. some need it to feel complete, and others don't.
some will have to live with being incomplete for medical reasons, and some because the body type they really want is biologically not really possible. or at least much more difficult to achieve than a male or female body.

the non-binary section of these forums is good for people who defy gender roles, don't want to transition fully or at all, identify as something other than strictly male or female, or anyone else who is interested in other options or meeting people who have experienced being themselves when that was not what society usually expects a man or a woman to me.

[mrs izzy]

To cope we need to remember to fit in our own mold and that not of society.

Everyone in life deserves happiness and sometimes it has to come from isolation.

But isolation does not mean one has to be alone.

Therapy and support.

Your life, your path.