ps I guess this isn't really an ARGGGGGG kinda post afterall.
Well here goes. this is my first attempt at really saying anything about myself in a long time. I've been on here for probably, on and off, 2 years. A couple people whom I know are no longer here and those who are probably don't remember me. Pretty much I used to be a loose cannon of emotion. Even though they might not say it directly, I've gone on rampages a couple times....when I had my own blog. I'd even go as far as to almost argue with myself because I was so broken up with myself and couldn't tell what was real or fake about myself. I almost had a psychotic break last year because of it which is why I wasn't here for a while and deleted my old account. When I came back I used this one and more or less tried my best to put myself back together by reading others posts about their experiences and feelings. I thought by doing this I'd get better, but it backfired hard and made things worse. I've cut myself for years. I don't do it now because the scars are still so visible it makes me physically sick to see them. I used to do things to myself that I won't say for fear of a possible trigger, if this isn't triggering enough. I had thought of and even plainly stated to a therapist I had that I wanted to kill someone. I went past the suicide wall and went onto the homicide side of the situation. The police were almost called on me and it was then thought that I was on the verge of having two personalities. I think they call that borderline personality disorder. It was never officially stated, but when they recorded sessions with me my personality changed rapidly and I could become angry or happy instantly. I could switch modes and I hadn't a clue it was happening. I think I'm getting a bit far off of what I was originally talking about, but pretty much I'll list things to make it easier.
I'm a nervous wreck.
I'm afraid of my own shadow and I'll run and hide in a corner when placed in a situation where I have to talk with people either face to face or even on the net.
I'm a complete and total 100% coward unless pushed into a corner.....not too sure what happens after that. I always black out when I fight.
I've been on so many pills I can't remember them all.
I can't remember much normally anyways.
I've apparently started a routine to try to control what power I have left over myself
I wake up, work, try to be social, flirt, etc.
I leave work, drink 2-3 beers while either playing pc games or watching movies.
I then listening to music while I go to sleep.
That apparently is my "keep myself sane" routine.
I know I have issues, but I know there are far worse things that what I've been through.
I think I have an issue with scaring people with death stories.
And last but not least. Don't take this the wrong way, but suicide isn't that great. Not that I've honestly tried. I've been dead once already. got to experience a whole 30 minutes of it when I was 7 after being hit by a truck. there is no light at the end of the tunnel, no hellfire or god. to me it was a dream that ended with a sudden and painful feeling of electricity flowing through my body while I'm being shocked back to life.
Other than what I've written I think this is the most I've written about myself in most likely a year. I used to be a bit.....ok a MAJOR hornball, but that has since turned into a curse which I hate. I've since given up, mostly I think, about anything in regards to transitioning. I'll go back on this in about 2 hours when I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but for anyone who reads this I hope you aren't too weirded out.
BTW. I don't think I've ever once introduced myself fully. My name as I see myself now, very hollow, is Brian. If by some freak chance God deems it that I can ever do what I feel I need to do. You can also call me Melly which is short for Mellysia. =]
