ps I guess this isn't really an ARGGGGGG kinda post afterall.

Well here goes. this is my first attempt at really saying anything about myself in a long time. I've been on here for probably, on and off, 2 years. A couple people whom I know are no longer here and those who are probably don't remember me. Pretty much I used to be a loose cannon of emotion. Even though they might not say it directly, I've gone on rampages a couple times....when I had my own blog. I'd even go as far as to almost argue with myself because I was so broken up with myself and couldn't tell what was real or fake about myself. I almost had a psychotic break last year because of it which is why I wasn't here for a while and deleted my old account. When I came back I used this one and more or less tried my best to put myself back together by reading others posts about their experiences and feelings. I thought by doing this I'd get better, but it backfired hard and made things worse. I've cut myself for years. I don't do it now because the scars are still so visible it makes me physically sick to see them. I used to do things to myself that I won't say for fear of a possible trigger, if this isn't triggering enough. I had thought of and even plainly stated to a therapist I had that I wanted to kill someone. I went past the suicide wall and went onto the homicide side of the situation. The police were almost called on me and it was then thought that I was on the verge of having two personalities. I think they call that borderline personality disorder. It was never officially stated, but when they recorded sessions with me my personality changed rapidly and I could become angry or happy instantly. I could switch modes and I hadn't a clue it was happening. I think I'm getting a bit far off of what I was originally talking about, but pretty much I'll list things to make it easier.

I'm a nervous wreck.
I'm afraid of my own shadow and I'll run and hide in a corner when placed in a situation where I have to talk with people either face to face or even on the net.
I'm a complete and total 100% coward unless pushed into a corner.....not too sure what happens after that. I always black out when I fight.
I've been on so many pills I can't remember them all.
I can't remember much normally anyways.
I've apparently started a routine to try to control what power I have left over myself
I wake up, work, try to be social, flirt, etc.
I leave work, drink 2-3 beers while either playing pc games or watching movies.
I then listening to music while I go to sleep.
That apparently is my "keep myself sane" routine.
I know I have issues, but I know there are far worse things that what I've been through.
I think I have an issue with scaring people with death stories.

And last but not least. Don't take this the wrong way, but suicide isn't that great. Not that I've honestly tried. I've been dead once already. got to experience a whole 30 minutes of it when I was 7 after being hit by a truck. there is no light at the end of the tunnel, no hellfire or god. to me it was a dream that ended with a sudden and painful feeling of electricity flowing through my body while I'm being shocked back to life.

Other than what I've written I think this is the most I've written about myself in most likely a year. I used to be a bit.....ok a MAJOR hornball, but that has since turned into a curse which I hate. I've since given up, mostly I think, about anything in regards to transitioning. I'll go back on this in about 2 hours when I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but for anyone who reads this I hope you aren't too weirded out.

BTW. I don't think I've ever once introduced myself fully. My name as I see myself now, very hollow, is Brian. If by some freak chance God deems it that I can ever do what I feel I need to do. You can also call me Melly which is short for Mellysia. =]

Welcome back, Melly. We all have our demons and it sounds like you've had more than your fair share of them. The important thing is to leave the past in the past and focus on the here and now and the strong, confident, positive person I'm sure you want to be. Hope to see you around the forum a bit more.

I'm actually here so much I think I qualify as creeper status. I'm just not the posting type. I can type and type or talk and talk about anything, but myself or anything pertaining. I don't know why, but I just have a hard time opening up. I guess I'd what you call colder than steel when it comes to explaining myself. Even this was more or less me playing off how I really felt. It still felt nice though =]

Well that's a good thing then!

As long as creeper doesn't show up as a tag next to my name then I'll agree. I think the next time I post I'll try to relay my feelings as I actually feel them at the time. I just hope I know how to handle it when I do. Not that I'll rampage about or anything, but the feeling that I'll be trying to convey I can't readily feel.

Post more when you are ready.  We are here.

I can relate to a few things in there....

Hugs,

Jen

For a long time I denied that there could and are people that can and do relate to me and the situations I'd been in. I used to think that if there was a subtle difference, even though the outcome was the same, that if everything wasn't exactly the same it wasn't the same at all. Cutting is cutting regardless of what happened before, during or after. Bleeding out of ones own body because of pain is the same regardless of what happened to cause it. It took a long time to really figure that out until recently. More or less now I'm more afraid of actually telling in detail my experiences even when people can relate because of some of the "subtle" parts that differ from others. I think I'm more or less ready to start spilling the beans a bit at a time, but I just feel that I have to write it like I did when I first came to this forum.

I was actually looking for the blogs that were archived and I was looking for my old blog that I had. There was a particular part of my life that I wrote in there that honestly I can't ever write down again because I no longer remember very much about it. I wanted to read it again so i could once again get the feelings back that made me write how I actually felt at the time. My main feeling that I honestly haven't felt in years is sorrow or the ability to cry. I don't show many emotions at all even when I try. Pretty much coldness or anger are the ones that people see all the time like a dark aura emanating from me all the time, just leaking out, contaminating everyone around me. Even when I thought I was happy or when I thought I was laughing, I wasn't. When people would walk up to me and always ask me what was wrong and why I looked so depressed even with a massive smile on my face, it hurt a lot. I hadn't a clue how to respond. Eventually I just stopped trying and became a really good actor so I could hide my feelings whenever the situation suited me. Unfortunately with the skills to hide my feelings I developed a skill that no one should use on anyone. I was extremely good at mental manipulation and was vindictive on top of it. I won't go into too much of that for right now, but I think I'm going to start writing on my computer and when each writing is done, I'll just post it. Even if I can't have a blog, I'll post anyways. It won't be a day to day diary or something like that, but hopefully it will give anyone who reads it a deep understanding of who I am.

 

Welcome back, Melly

Ditto Jessica on the hugs!

Thanks much for hugs =]. I like warm hugs. The feeling of being safe in someones arms is a feeling I miss a lot. That would be nice right about now. Not that I'm having a hard time or anything, but it's late, I can't sleep, and even though tomorrow is Friday I'm still dreading that last day of work. Being a collections person is hard work, especially when I make lots of money for the company, but since I'm a temp right now I don't make commission.

Good to see you again Jenny. All of the ladies I haven't seen in a while look so good. I remember when you first started and the difference is night and day. Your smile is much brighter and larger now. Maybe one day I can smile, but for now I will survive first.

Good to see you too Mel. It has certainly been a while, and things have been going well- thanks for noticing! Try to get some sleep, see you around, and welcome back! I just came back from a bit of a hiatus myself!

Good to see you back, Melly! Hope the healing's been going better for you recently...

I remember reading about your leg surgery woes about a year ago, and really admiring your courage.

Well the leg woes are 25% complete. The cost out of pocket was too much for dad and he could only get the prep work on the left knee. Now that I have a job my first and foremost goal is to get the prep done on right knee, heal, then major reconstruction or replacement done. If the lateral release (prep surgery I call it) is a total of 1400 out of pocket after 6k is covered by insurance, I'm terrified about the cost of recon especially with state insurance right now haha.

It feels good to talk again with everyone. :3

Hi Melly.  I've only been here a month, so I haven't got to meet you before.  I wanted to stop by and give you a giant .  I can't really put myself entirely in your shoes, but I do know how it feels to not really feel anything, and just have a routine that gets you through to the next day.  You remind me somewhat of one of my closest friends in some ways.

I am really glad that you're getting some good release from posting here again, and that we can all provide you the environment you need.

More !

  Super fuzzy hugs all around =]. Nice to meet you also and looking forward to having friends again.

Hi Mel, well I'm a bit of a newcomer too so we haven't met before. Whilst I can't relate to a lot your going through I have suffered my fair share of depression and anxiety which comes with its own struggles.

But it's so nice to know your back and posting again. I hope we can all help each other with all the challenging and triumphant times ahead. And provide a safe and loving environment, which I've certainly found and experienced from all the girls (and the boys) here.

Welcome back and look forward to hearing more from you.

Hugs,
Bree