I've done it now, and am now worried

[Shana-chan]

So today I went to the leasing office to tell the manager that I'm trans and wish to be called buy female name and pronouns and such. Also told him I'm planning to change my name in the near future. He said he didn't have a problem with it but because we are getting a new manager I'll have to retell this again but he said he'd like to talk more on it but because of time constraints he couldn't do it today. I gave him my number so he could call me tomorrow to work out a time to meet him.

I'm worried, what if I get kicked out? Is there anyone besides a lawyer that I can go to about discrimination if I get kicked out? Wht if they don't use the right pronouns and name even if they let me stay?

Does anyone have any advice and have you been through this? What should I expect?

[Jessica Merriman]

Sweetie if he did not have a problem with it I am sure you will be OK. Just expect a few slip ups here and then and know it will be an adjustment for them as well. Relax a little and see how it goes with the new manager before you panic, ok? 

[ZoeWillCode]

I wouldn't worry. It sounds like things went very well, and you have no reason to think the next manager will be any different. I had some second thoughts after telling my co-workers, but the worries were all in my head. Try to be patient with the old manager and the new one. Sometimes, I feel like an ambassador of the trans community to my friends and family. I'm the only connection they have to it, and even though I may be nervous, I try to remember that their curiosity isn't judgment.

[Taka]

panic is normal. the sky usually doesn't come crashing down on your head anyway.
sounds like you're good at least until the new manager comes.
a talk with the current one, could be helpful for dealing with the new one if that becomes necessary.

[Jess42]

As long as you pay your rent on time, don't throw loud parties, don't trash the apartment and just an all around nightmare tenant, I'm pretty sure you will be OK. I mean with some tenants that are out there a lot of landlords would rather have a quite transgender person that don't trash the apartment and pays their rent. I wouldn't worry too much about it. The new manager will probably be pretty much like the old one.

[Shana-chan]

I'm not panicking but I am worried. He said he'd call me so we can meet again and finish our discussion but he never did. When I called the office the lady said he'd call me before the end of the day. 1 day later, still no call. And knowing the below worries me more.

As long as you pay your rent on time, don't throw loud parties, don't trash the apartment and just an all around nightmare tenant, I'm pretty sure you will be OK. I mean with some tenants that are out there a lot of landlords would rather have a quite transgender person that don't trash the apartment and pays their rent. I wouldn't worry too much about it. The new manager will probably be pretty much like the old one.

I've heard we face discrimination even for apartments and let's be honest here. You could be the BEST resident ever, no lease violations and keep to yourself (No noise/party etc.) and they could STILL lie and say you broke a lease violation and serve you an eviction notice. I know we have places like the EEOC for work but who do we have besides lawyers for apartment discrimination?

[Jess42]

I've heard we face discrimination even for apartments and let's be honest here. You could be the BEST resident ever, no lease violations and keep to yourself (No noise/party etc.) and they could STILL lie and say you broke a lease violation and serve you an eviction notice. I know we have places like the EEOC for work but who do we have besides lawyers for apartment discrimination?

No one. I won't lie. The hard truth? It all comes down to knowing the law and being able to back up what you know. Learn Shana. Learn your local state's laws about discrimination and housing. Then when you learn you can threaten to pursue it in court. I seriously doubt that it comes to that because like I said if it is a corporation that owns the building or a lot of other buildings then they know the laws. Like I said, the old one will probably be more like the new one. I personally don't think you have too much to worry about. But still learn your city and states laws on sexual, racial and gender discrimination and then you will have your own legs to stand on.

Just learn Shana. Then you are empowered and you can call the shots. And then if you can quote the laws, well let's just say, not too many people can do that. The more you know hon, the more you sill seem legit in your argument. But seriously though, I really don't think you have much to worry about. Chances are if you are in a big city then the ex manager's attitude is probably gonna' be the same as the new building manager's attitude.

[Alexis2107]

I'm not panicking but I am worried. He said he'd call me so we can meet again and finish our discussion but he never did. When I called the office the lady said he'd call me before the end of the day. 1 day later, still no call. And knowing the below worries me more.
I've heard we face discrimination even for apartments and let's be honest here. You could be the BEST resident ever, no lease violations and keep to yourself (No noise/party etc.) and they could STILL lie and say you broke a lease violation and serve you an eviction notice. I know we have places like the EEOC for work but who do we have besides lawyers for apartment discrimination?

Just like some have posted, you just need to know the laws.  Not sure if you're from the united states or not, but here in the USA it would be a definite no no for them to discriminate based on any thing gender.  And I believe recently they added sexual orientation to the list of equal opportunity for both work place and housing.  They would have to show and prove to the judge, after you've filed your discrimination law-suite, that you were kicked out for lease violations. 

On another note, they may welcome the fact and support it so others cannot say they discriminate. 

[Shana-chan]

I'm mad, hurt and feel like crying! The manager finally called and told me he can't do what I'm asking him to do in terms of having everyone there call me by the name I wish to be called, and pronouns I wish to be called until I get the documents legally changed. He went a step further and was spouting crap about how otherwise it'd be unfair and too difficult to relay all this to everyone and that I'd basically be lying and that it breaks the law. I argued back saying I know the law, I've dealt with this at work and proceeded to use my female voice. He said he'd call someone higher up than him (As he's actually part of corporate) to get the answers and whatever they say is what they'd go with.

I need a hug, advice and info on who to go too if they choose to make my life difficult and not be respectful to me.  I also wonder if taking this to court is such a good idea? I mean, would I possibly get kicked out? Would I have to pay for the attorney? *Sigh* 

[Athena]

Hugs, I hope things get better for you

[LordKAT]

Why not go to court and change your name if that is the issue? Most documents don't even require surgery to change them for gender.

[Rainbow Brite]

I'm mad, hurt and feel like crying! The manager finally called and told me he can't do what I'm asking him to do in terms of having everyone there call me by the name I wish to be called, and pronouns I wish to be called until I get the documents legally changed. He went a step further and was spouting crap about how otherwise it'd be unfair and too difficult to relay all this to everyone and that I'd basically be lying and that it breaks the law. I argued back saying I know the law, I've dealt with this at work and proceeded to use my female voice. He said he'd call someone higher up than him (As he's actually part of corporate) to get the answers and whatever they say is what they'd go with.

I need a hug, advice and info on who to go too if they choose to make my life difficult and not be respectful to me.  I also wonder if taking this to court is such a good idea? I mean, would I possibly get kicked out? Would I have to pay for the attorney? *Sigh* 

You can contact the EEOC for help should there be a harassment issue. *hugs*

[Shana-chan]

Thanks for the hugs everyone! I'm feeling better except, been mad throughout the day. I'm in one of those moods where I just want to bite someone's head off which in turn has made me further realize something else that I hate. Update to come later on that...

You can contact the EEOC for help should there be a harassment issue. *hugs*

Isn't the EEOC just for work? This is regarding apartments.

Why not go to court and change your name if that is the issue? Most documents don't even require surgery to change them for gender.

Because of various reasons which I'll list but also, (Hem, I think you edited your original post) because when it comes to the important documents such as birth certificate, license etc. most places require you to have a sex change which is just so freaking stupid and *Starts biting people's heads off* Grrr *Ahem* Anyway, as for the name change, here is why I can't get it done right now.

1. Been to various doctors/hospitals and used my insurance thus if a name change happens it could come back on me and cause me more trouble than it's worth.

2. Atm due to something I am waiting for to happen from the Gov., I can't get it done just yet, agai, too much hassle and could have consequences if I don't wait it out.

3. Due to being out of work and getting less pay for so long, I am low on funds to do this with, will be back at work full time in a month from now from what I was told however, there is no guarantee I'll get the hours I need.

4. I have no idea what court to go to, where it's at or any info for how I do this and what I need to do this. If I at least had the name of the court I'm supposed to go to then I could look the phone # up, call them and get the rest of the ifo from them, but, I don't even know the name of the court, does anyone know?

And last but not least, you shouldn't HAVE to get a name change or even the sex/gender on your ids and such changed for people to simply do the right thing and call you by the name you go by and the right pronouns too! The ONLY REASON why we have "legal documents" saying what sex/gender/DOB/name etc. you are/have is because it not only helps the Gov. keep track of you (In terms of you're alive, you exist etc.) and because it helps keep crime to a minimum vs. God only knows how bad it'd be if we didn't have such a system. (Albeit it's a broken system that seriously needs major corrections!) Before the whole legal system existed there were no legal documents and such to say who you were and what you were called. Hell, you could have changed your name and not been bothered about it except from those who know you. So I see no reason why ANYONE especially when it involves work, apartments and other business type stuff can't call you by the right name and pronouns you go by simply to be respectful to you! Sure it's another story for the legal documents having to stay the same till you get them changed which is fine got no problem with that but the guy trying to tell me it's not fair, too much hassle, you can't expect what I'm asking him to simply tell his staff to call me to happen? Nope, not goig to fly with me! That's BS! Sorry, rant over. *Sigh*

[ImagineKate]

How much do you have to do with the leasing office anyway? I rarely interacted with mine when I was renting.

[KarynMcD]

I need a hug, advice and info on who to go too if they choose to make my life difficult and not be respectful to me.  I also wonder if taking this to court is such a good idea? I mean, would I possibly get kicked out? Would I have to pay for the attorney? *Sigh* 

Take them to court for what? You have an apartment. They aren't discriminating against renting you one if you already have one.

If they refuse to extend your lease, you might have a case about discrimination, but you'll need to prove it's because you are transgender. Then again, transgender isn't a protected class in most locations.
If, eventually, you want to sue for harassment, you'll need proof too. http://canisueforthat.com/can-i-sue-my-neighbour-for-harassment/

Who do you go to about housing discrimination? The local housing authority.

And again, just how often do you deal with these people that you want to make it an issue?
I send my landlord a check once a month and they leave me alone.

[FTMax]

As others have said, how much are you interacting with the leasing office anyway?

I've lived in several different complexes and my interactions with the staff are always infrequent and due to random anomalies like getting locked out, or having a mistake on my bill. The only thing I can think of that would have made me want to tell them about being trans is the use of shared spaces like the gym and pool, both of which have gendered changing areas and restrooms.

[Rainbow Brite]

Because of various reasons which I'll list but also, (Hem, I think you edited your original post) because when it comes to the important documents such as birth certificate, license etc. most places require you to have a sex change which is just so freaking stupid and *Starts biting people's heads off* Grrr *Ahem* Anyway, as for the name change, here is why I can't get it done right now.

1. Been to various doctors/hospitals and used my insurance thus if a name change happens it could come back on me and cause me more trouble than it's worth.

2. Atm due to something I am waiting for to happen from the Gov., I can't get it done just yet, agai, too much hassle and could have consequences if I don't wait it out.

3. Due to being out of work and getting less pay for so long, I am low on funds to do this with, will be back at work full time in a month from now from what I was told however, there is no guarantee I'll get the hours I need.

4. I have no idea what court to go to, where it's at or any info for how I do this and what I need to do this. If I at least had the name of the court I'm supposed to go to then I could look the phone # up, call them and get the rest of the ifo from them, but, I don't even know the name of the court, does anyone know?

And last but not least, you shouldn't HAVE to get a name change or even the sex/gender on your ids and such changed for people to simply do the right thing and call you by the name you go by and the right pronouns too! The ONLY REASON why we have "legal documents" saying what sex/gender/DOB/name etc. you are/have is because it not only helps the Gov. keep track of you (In terms of you're alive, you exist etc.) and because it helps keep crime to a minimum vs. God only knows how bad it'd be if we didn't have such a system. (Albeit it's a broken system that seriously needs major corrections!) Before the whole legal system existed there were no legal documents and such to say who you were and what you were called. Hell, you could have changed your name and not been bothered about it except from those who know you. So I see no reason why ANYONE especially when it involves work, apartments and other business type stuff can't call you by the right name and pronouns you go by simply to be respectful to you! Sure it's another story for the legal documents having to stay the same till you get them changed which is fine got no problem with that but the guy trying to tell me it's not fair, too much hassle, you can't expect what I'm asking him to simply tell his staff to call me to happen? Nope, not goig to fly with me! That's BS! Sorry, rant over. *Sigh*

That was then, this is now. It might be stupid and unfair, but these are the times we live in.
From experience, you don't have much recourse until you get some updated documentation. Honestly, I would not worry about this until you can actually fully commit to the new name. get the documentation you need so you have a strong foundation to build your new life upon. It's not like this guy is your boss. You barely have to interact with him. So don't lose sleep over it.

[Taka]

i'm not sure the manager has any obligation to tell other tenants to use a different name or pronouns when talking about you.
being allowed to stay as long as you pay the rent and behave well, is as far as it goes.

i know a funny story about problems finding a place to stay.
there was a married gay couple who were looking for a place to live in tromsø, northernmost big city in norway.
you'd usually expect gay people to be discriminated against a whole lot, or at least half the time, but no matter where they went, they were welcomed with open arms (or would it be doors).
well, at least until they were asked where they worked. one worked at the university. that was a good job, and they thought it sounded really interesting.
and the other one worked for the saami parliament in norway. doors were shut in their face as soon as that was mentioned.
i'm currently wondering which one would most easily get housing in that city, a trans woman or someone who is unlucky enough to have gotten a well paid job at the saami parliament. might well be that the trans woman is easier to accept.


just telling because i think anyone who can find housing at all is really lucky.
being called the wrong pronouns and name is still better than being thrown out because of poorly hidden racism.

[Shana-chan]

Ok, two sad things to report.

1. The manager left, was replaced by someone else, no WONDER it didn't matter to him. Further more, he never bothered to call me back and it's been a week now. Doubt I'll hear back from him anyway given everything. This means I'll try my luck again with the new manager but, will wait a while I guess, or not... I don't know...

2. In regards to the posts here and especially posts/comments like this one

i'm not sure the manager has any obligation to tell other tenants to use a different name or pronouns when talking about you.
being allowed to stay as long as you pay the rent and behave well, is as far as it goes.

I have to say the following,
For one, it is disrespectful to someone to call them something they don't wish to be called, no matter what it is and it's also not professional at all or good for business to do that. For another, yes I interact with them very little but, I am nearly full time here and I HATE having to be in "male mode" once a month or when on the phone with them just to pay rent, get stuff done etc. And lastly, if I didn't do this and it didn't matter (As in, to them and they didn't do it) then what was the freaking point in me coming out to them and RISK LOSING MY HOUSE!?

The fact here is, if anyone is going to say to me crap like that (That they get to disrespect me & such) then you better keep it to yourself! It pisses me off to hear people like me who get and know how I feel basically not giving a rat's ass about it and "giving in" to the ways of society and letting them drag you down. You want to stay dragged down, FINE! But don't drag me down that path with you, or others either!

I do feel, perhaps a sorry is in order here? Not sure, I do know, my raging male hormones which have been changing for the worse are making it very difficult to keep my temper in check, so, sorry for that but, insert some nicer way of saying the above here I guess because at this point, I can't think of a nicer way to put it. ^_^'

[FTMax]

I'd definitely wait a while, or not say anything at all. Without knowing particulars, my feeling is that there are very practical workarounds to your situation.

Most complexes have an after-hours rent drop box where you can drop off a check. I have used them even during business hours, because I don't really like social interaction. A lot of places also have the option to pay online via electronic check or credit card. Both of these options would reduce or all together cut out the need to see a person in the leasing office. Most places also have email systems for the office staff, and an email address for the maintenance team. This would cut out the need to speak to anyone on the phone.

I don't think anyone meant to imply that people are allowed to disrespect you. What was meant is that there may not be legal options for you to pursue, so they can effectively treat you however they'd like to treat you.

My opinion, for what it's worth, is that being homeless is much worse than temporarily being disrespected. As much as I think we should all do our part to increase visibility and educate people, I do not believe it is worth it if it puts you in a potentially unsafe situation like being homeless would.