she is quite strong in me, he feels manly enough no matter what i wear.
both are strong in me, but he really did want to take over for a while.
feeling invisible isn't very nice.
i have never really identified with any female deity as far as i can remember. there has been admiration, but no actual want to be that.
disney's pocahontas is the only female character i have wanted to be, but that was only because she was cooler than any guys.
maybe she liked that. and he didn't really disagree either. both thought change was impossible, so that really was the closest i could easily get.
i'd still want to be the medicine man rather than the chief's daughter if i got the choice though.
i have always identified with odin. probably the thirst for knowledge. he can (is allowed) to do magic too. not a bad combination.
there is no well of wisdom to give my eye for, even though i'd gladly give my eye for it.
maybe my wish to transition, to see the world from the other side, the one only cross sex hormones can show me, is nothing other than odin's thirst for knowledge.
i can't stand not knowing, being unable to understand. huginn observes the world, to find all knowledge that doesn't sit right beside me. muninn remembers all that is worth knowing. it's interesting to think of, how my mind works. it doesn't make sense, but it doesn't have to either.
this is something all of me share, wanting to know and experience more. never feeling complete as long as any knowledge is hidden from me.
he insists on a place for himself, even outside the online world of unlimited possibilities.
forums are great places for being, without anyone seeing any reason to doubt.
but he is not always there, or some days very queer. she takes over, but without the capabilities of acting him perfectly. people have been confused in the most amusing ways. she tries her best as she knows he needs a place where he can be himself, even if it hurts her when she can't say whatever she wants, just because guys aren't allowed to be all of the things that girls are.
but both and maybe even more of me, are annoyed when being treated like a woman in the offline world. people hide their true selves, thinking this is the polite thing to do. i am disgusted by this behavior imposed by female society, by the expectations people have of me that even she doesn't want to live up to.
mother calls me tomboy, she thinks she know what it is like. but she never experienced having two genders.
to me, having two genders doesn't mean that there is a need to have a genderless or androgynous body. it would be convenient, but isn't necessary.
i have tried being a woman, done all that she ever wanted to do. even she agrees that some of these things will never be attempted again. she is not ready to fade out of my life, she'll still want to take the lead sometimes. but she thinks it's better to struggle with a male body if that is what the end result is, than forcing him to hide forever.
he has always wanted to sing bass. she was thrilled to sing tenor in the high school choir. the high soprano was only nice for as long as a boy's body would be able to produce those clear tones. when the boys' voices started to crack, mine did not. soprano was no longer something i wanted to be good at.
i'm going nowhere with this. just telling about myself, the very little that i know.
i will not know anything for sure unless i try this hrt thing, but it will be difficult to get there in this place where i live, and moving is out of the question for now. maybe forever.
if she says she's real, give her the benefit of doubt.
i once held a whole family council just for me. we had a need to talk things out. not only he and she, turns out there's more than just gender to this, there are very different personalities both to her and him. one turns out to have been of our creation. maybe others will turn out to be that too, but i can't know until they either become unnecessary or suddenly start speaking up for their right to existence.
she shouted at me like that when i was considering binary transition. now that she's being recognized, she can agree to that if necessary. all she really needed from me was a place to exist. it doesn't have to be the right body, a realization all have come to.
it is most fair to let him try at having his right body, some parts of it will benefit all, like getting rid of the chest. some parts may become awkward.
but he has been able to express himself at times even from within a female body, so she agrees on ding the same with a male body, if it comes to that.
just talk to her. maybe the occasional eyeliner is more important than a feminine voice.
i've managed to make a compromise with my hair, it looks better than anything i've had before.
we fiercely believe i can do this and become happier and more content in the process.
we are all going into this in order to have no regrets, and will have none even if the outcome isn't as expected.
the only important thing is to have all with me, in agreement, and with a right to say stop or we'll have to think this through once more.
