How do you tell a guy I am dating that I am trans. HELP

[noleen111]

Hi ladies

I need some advice.... let me give you the background story..

In july this year, I attending a my friends wedding where i was a bridesmaid, as part of the festivities I was matched up with one of the bestman.. who had to walk me down the aisle, each bridemaid was walked down by one of the bestmen.

Anyways we had a good evening as we were both single, and somewhere along the line, the topic of one night stands came up at our table, anyway we both had not had one before, and we decided why not, so we ended the night having sex, it was my post-op sexual experience.  It was good. He had an early flight, so by the time we all met for breakfast the next morning, he was gone.  we did not swop last names or telephone numbers and lived no where near me. so no contact.

fast forward 3 months.

He has now taken a job in my town.. and my friend whose wedding it was decided to fix us up, she says we will make a cute couple. she does not know about our one night stand. So we were fixed up, at a dinner party she hosted.. anyways since then, we have had over 10 dates and we have clicked and its like we have known each other for years. He said he could not stop thinking about me in the 3 months, and I admit me neither could i stop thinking of him.

things are starting to get serious now between us, he gave me a passionate kiss last night and my felt my bum while kissing me. I am very smitten. I need to tell him that I was born a guy and that i am trans. he has no idea.. I dont want things to get more serious before he knows.


Help.. how do I do this...especially since we have been sexual before with each other?

I hope he does not react negatively. Lesson.. one night stands are not good.

[suzifrommd]

I usually drop it into casual conversation. Some of the ways I've done it:

* Of some old friend: "she and I go back a long way. She remembers when I used to be a man."
* "I was at the statehouse testifying in favor of the anti-discrimination bill. I figure they had to hear it from a real transgender person."
* "I had to get used to that when I transitioned from male to female."

I try not to make a big deal of it. Because it isn't. It's just a piece of my past, though one I'm proud of.

[Auroramarianna]

Ohmygod, it does sound like he cares about you. I would tell him or it may be too much for him if he hears it too late. I agree you shouldn't make it a big deal. Let him have his time when you tell and give him space. That probably isn't helpful but I think he'll most likely need to think it through. Um, also when you meet make sure it's a public place when you tell him. I'm not saying anything will happen or that he will lash out but it's probably best to be cautious.

[Julia-Madrid]

Aaaargh Noleen.... some of us are envious of you for getting to the stage where this is a problem you need to confront.   

I would arrange to tell him in an intimate but public venue.  Be honest.  Tell him what you think of him, and then talk about honesty and something he needs to know.  I would avoid using the word "man" and emphasise who you are now.  I'd say something like "This is a really difficult thing to discuss, but the woman you see before you wasn't born as one.  I'm transgender, and have been a girl since.... "

Perhaps you could see what his attitude is to transgender people beforehand in a casual way.  It would at least allow you to modify what you may say, or permit you to take a different direction.

Still envy you though!

xxx
Julia

[Assoluta]

I've had more men accept than reject and I tend to use the same method (which I have used for my current boyfriend). I don't actually mention it straight away, because it can alter their perception with the negative stereotypes and assumptions they are likely to have. This means as they get to know you, it will be through a "trans" lens, and might make it more difficult to accept. I tend to give it 2 or 3 months to see where it is going - often I have had guys who walked away or just wanted fun, so I saved a lot of hassle in not telling. When it looks as if it's getting more serious I mention it without using "trans" or anything like that - I simply say that I was born with a physical condition where I was a girl but with male organs. (Of course if they say "so does that make you transgender? Then I'd say that yes, that is what you could call it). I emphasise the medical aspect of the condition and also that I have always been female.

The way I see it, there tend to be three types of guys in these situations - those that are amazing and have no problem with it and accept it readily, those that will never accept (perhaps politely, or react worse), and those that are in between, and are not quite sure. Whether you tell early or late will not change the outcome of the first two types, if they are readily accepting, they will always accept, if they won't, they never will, but those in the middle, I find that my approach of waiting a bit can win them round, as they get to know me as ME first, and then find out that I am trans, as something incidental to me rather than defining me. This is just my approach, though, I think it's personal to anyone. Personally I'm not going to be up front about something so personal with a guy I've just met - even if he's courting you after a month, that's no guarantee of any kind of relationship, he may just want fun, and talk sweetly to you to get what he wants, I think it takes a little while longer to forge a relationship where it's actually worth telling a guy (or girl, or whatever) about your past.

[stephaniec]

wow, I wish I could help. I truly hope the best for you, I am sooooo envious .

[Jennygirl]

I've had more men accept than reject and I tend to use the same method (which I have used for my current boyfriend). I don't actually mention it straight away, because it can alter their perception with the negative stereotypes and assumptions they are likely to have. This means as they get to know you, it will be through a "trans" lens, and might make it more difficult to accept. I tend to give it 2 or 3 months to see where it is going - often I have had guys who walked away or just wanted fun, so I saved a lot of hassle in not telling. When it looks as if it's getting more serious I mention it without using "trans" or anything like that - I simply say that I was born with a physical condition where I was a girl but with male organs. (Of course if they say "so does that make you transgender? Then I'd say that yes, that is what you could call it). I emphasise the medical aspect of the condition and also that I have always been female.

The way I see it, there tend to be three types of guys in these situations - those that are amazing and have no problem with it and accept it readily, those that will never accept (perhaps politely, or react worse), and those that are in between, and are not quite sure. Whether you tell early or late will not change the outcome of the first two types, if they are readily accepting, they will always accept, if they won't, they never will, but those in the middle, I find that my approach of waiting a bit can win them round, as they get to know me as ME first, and then find out that I am trans, as something incidental to me rather than defining me. This is just my approach, though, I think it's personal to anyone. Personally I'm not going to be up front about something so personal with a guy I've just met - even if he's courting you after a month, that's no guarantee of any kind of relationship, he may just want fun, and talk sweetly to you to get what he wants, I think it takes a little while longer to forge a relationship where it's actually worth telling a guy (or girl, or whatever) about your past.

Thanks, this seems like some great advice / analytics into the issue. I appreciate your input, especially the part about emphasizing the medical condition part. Excellent idea.

I'm not really dating right now, but the last time I went out on a lunch date I could tell the guy really liked me.. The bad part was that I kinda liked him too, but when I told him I was trans he didn't respond as I had hoped. I think maybe if I would have gone for the medical angle he would have responded better... But perhaps he just wanted to have bio kids, he was kinda that type

[suzifrommd]

I tend to give it 2 or 3 months to see where it is going

Problem with this is that it's virtually impossible to talk about my past without mentioning my transition. I was in a "straight" marriage for 20 years. It's really hard to talk about just about anything that happened during that period without alluding to the fact that I was male at the time. That's why I find I'm more comfortable letting people know early on.

[stephaniec]

some great advice

[Jess42]

You know, maybe just test the waters first to see how he feels about trans women. I would still tell him but how he reacts and talks about the issues of trans can give you a hint as to how he is going to react when you tell him. And then you can tell him over the phone. But seriously, he has no idea? Your friend didn't mention it or does she even know. I believe that if she knows she probably has a really good idea of his reaction so ask her. She might have even said something and he is too polite to bring it up or don't really care even.

But whatever you decide and when, I wish you all the luck in the world and wish the best for you.

[Assoluta]

Problem with this is that it's virtually impossible to talk about my past without mentioning my transition. I was in a "straight" marriage for 20 years. It's really hard to talk about just about anything that happened during that period without alluding to the fact that I was male at the time. That's why I find I'm more comfortable letting people know early on.

That illustrates how circumstances can be different - I guess in your case, having that history necessitates telling earlier on. Most of my 18 years in the male role can be portrayed quite gender neutrally (I never dated as a male, and went to a mixed school).

[Jessica Merriman]

If you tell him please do it in close proximity to others. You may need the help. 

[Jaime R D]

I'm assuming then that your friend that got you two together again doesn't know that you're trans? 


Pretty much like most are saying, tell him in a public place, but gently and don't use the word man to describe yourself from before, that could be a trigger for him. And also be prepared that if your friend doesn't know, she may find out after this.

[Alexis2107]

It isn't good to hide this from him, I would tell him right away.  If he really is in love with you, and he obviously knows you're a woman inside and outside, your past won't matter to him.  If he rejects you of your past, then he really wasn't all that into you. 

[Jennygirl]

The only thing I know is from my single-time experience.. Sometimes a guy likes to entertain the thought of spending the rest of his life with you, and not pursuing if it means something down the line could mean compromising a "normal" family situation.. What I mean is having a normal pregnancy with a woman, birthing the child naturally and not adopting, helping her through the pregnancy. This was actually a slight bit triggering for me to think about- and I am not triggered easily- so I apologize in advance if it is for others.

It's kind of relatable to how some people like to plan their weddings in advance, and become excited about having things a certain way down the line. The fact is it can be a deal breaker for some I think.. The whole part about pregnancy and familial creation from a chromosomal birth between the male and female. I have to admit before I had fully realized/accepted my transness, this was a consideration of my own.

The other fact of the matter is that people naturally think that they will feel the same for the rest of their lives as they feel in that exact moment, as if they will be unchanging and never accept anything but their current ideals. That is why I think the slow approach can work here. Over time, opinions and plans can change... by a lot. But, it is normal for some sense of rejection in the interim based on the current state we are in. This applies to everyone, trans or not. It is how we decipher and adopt a new, different idea as our new reality.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi y'all

The situations change markedly depending on our ages.  Some girls here have spent virtually all their adult lives as women; others have  a prior history of 30, 40, 50+ years.  It very substantially changes the narrative we need to construct. 

And as JennyGirl noted, our life goals are very substantially different as a result.  If you're at a childbearing age, those are the focal questions.  If you're outside that range it becomes a question of stepchildren from a previous relationship perhaps.

But I digress.  It can all be boiled down to honesty, dialogue, and a somewhat special man who is sure of himself. 

Hugs
J

[divineintervention]

I still have issues telling someone I was born with male genitalia - usually, I just tell them that I can't give birth. I haven't met a guy whom I was willing to risk my security and hurtful words to reveal my entire life story... I think if you feel like you can handle the consequences of a negative setback, then go ahead and use the medical aspect approach

[noleen111]

I'm assuming then that your friend that got you two together again doesn't know that you're trans? 

That is correct.. The only friend of mine that knows I am trans is my cis-girl roommate

[Assoluta]

It isn't good to hide this from him, I would tell him right away.  If he really is in love with you, and he obviously knows you're a woman inside and outside, your past won't matter to him.  If he rejects you of your past, then he really wasn't all that into you.

Trouble is, he can't possibly really be "in love with you" or genuinely care about you beyond infatuation if you tell him "straight away" after the first date. However, if one personally prefers not to have the burden of having to tell later on, then it's fair enough to disclose early - but the reason for his accepting won't be because he cares for you, it'll only be if he is open and understanding.

I would agree though that if he rejects your past, he can't/didn't love you enough, and that's just as applicable whether you tell after 2 months or 20 years. I think it's the difference between the type of person/type of love where someone leaves their partner if they become disabled/disfigured, and one that stays with that person and supports them regardless.

[Alaena_okc]

i have to agree with Jessica, i always tell them after the first date, because a lot of our sisters have been murdered because of not telling them til they do the nasty, thats when a stupid ass man freaks out the worst, "f#*king horn dogs", i hate them, im sure there are exceptions, but they pretty much are one night stand bastards.

i would carry a small pistol and shoot their d*cks off in case one gets stupid on you...

just be careful and by all means meet in a place where he wont have control of you

i guess its clear that i dont like men, sorry. too many bad experiences...