SRS when you're non-binary

[suzifrommd]

People keep asking me about why I got SRS if I'm non-binary. How can I be sure that I won't be uncomfortable with my new body since it would pretty much never match my gender identity? It's something that vexed me as well. I didn't hate having male parts, so I was afraid I'd miss them, and hate my new parts.

I'm posting this so that if other non-binary folk are considering surgery, they have the benefit of my experience.

In short, I love my new body, but I miss the old parts too. I liked having male parts, their convenience and their simplicity. I can't figure out to get sexual release from the new stuff, whereas the old stuff was so easy to get off, that even a toddler could do it. (I remember being able successfully to climax as a 4-year old. Didn't know what it was called, but I knew I liked it...)

I'm tickled by having a VJ. I still can't believe it. Being some one who sees themselves as male but has female genitals is a trip. I feel like I've sort of "gotten away with something" since I'm not 100% a woman, but I managed to talk two therapists and a surgeon into giving me woman parts. Most importantly, I'm no longer dysphoric about not understanding how women relate to their bodies.

My outlook HAS changed, both sexually and how I relate to my gender. It's a big change to desire having someone come into me vs. wanting to come into someone else. I still miss being able to penetrate women and give them pleasure (though couldn't do that on Spiro anyway), but I had 50 years to do that, and did plenty of it until my marriage started going south, so I don't feel I need to do more of it.

My new genitals have been a pain in the butt, both literally and figuratively, but I'm very glad I've got them. I don't mind dilating. It hurts for a minute, but then I get to spend 20 minutes with my new body part that I love. I've gotten used to pads in my underwear, peeing while sitting, wiping the whole area, douching, etc. None of it bothers me. It's worth it to have the body I always wanted.

[EchelonHunt]

I have a feeling I will be in a similar boat as you when I get bottom surgery.

I have spent nearly twelve years with a vagina, half of it exploring the pleasures behind having one. One thing I was worried about is if I got bottom surgery, whether I would miss that certain part. I realized... as time went on, the novelty of having a vagina faded and the more I desired it to be gone completely - I still have many vivid sex dreams of being penetrated - I enjoy those dreams much more than the reality of receiving penetration itself so at least there's that! As much as I like reaching the big "O" for stress relief, the dysphoria accompanied afterwards is equivalent to dancing on the tip of a knife's blade. Masturbation as a whole isn't quite as exciting as it was when I began exploring the first time around but I am looking forward to rediscovering my body with that child-like excitement and curiosity after I heal from bottom surgery ...which is, mind you, years away from now but I digress!

Thank you for creating this thread. I had been thinking about this on my mind for quite some time, it's wonderful to know I'm not alone. That you are no longer dysphoric is exciting and gives me hope that one day, I, too, shall be free from dysphoria.

[Pikachu]

Really, my hat is off to you, Suzi. If I felt male, I'd be waaaay too scared to go through with GRS for fear I might end up feeling worse instead of better with my new genitals. You're very courageous, and I'm glad that you were able to find a transition path that brought you happiness.

[suzifrommd]

Thank you for creating this thread. I had been thinking about this on my mind for quite some time, it's wonderful to know I'm not alone. That you are no longer dysphoric is exciting and gives me hope that one day, I, too, shall be free from dysphoria.

Well YMMV, of course, but I think I knew clearly what body shape was right for me when I managed to cut through all the noise. If you're feeling the same thing about your own bottom surgery, I think that's telling. I debated posting this since it isn't what most NB people have on their minds, so I'm glad it helped.

Really, my hat is off to you, Suzi. If I felt male, I'd be waaaay to scared to go through with GRS for fear I might end up feeling worse instead of better with my new genitals. You're very courageous, and I'm glad that you were able to find a transition path that brought you happiness.

I don't know how courageous it was. I made a show to myself of trying to figure out whether it was right for me, but I'm not sure it could have gone either way. There was a piece of me that REALLY wanted to be female-shaped down below and I don't know it would have let me decide against it. Given how incensed I was when a doctor refused to write a referral letter for a Mickey Mouse reasons, I think the interest in SRS ran really deep.

[EchelonHunt]

Well YMMV, of course, but I think I knew clearly what body shape was right for me when I managed to cut through all the noise. If you're feeling the same thing about your own bottom surgery, I think that's telling. I debated posting this since it isn't what most NB people have on their minds, so I'm glad it helped.

I once was determined to get phalloplasty, since identifying as non-binary, I took a step back and re-evaluated my reasons for getting such surgery. Thankfully, I came to realize the whole desiring to be sexless (as close as possible via the FTM transition route) and haven't looked back since. I dread to think what would happen if I had kept powering straight ahead and got phalloplasty done, and after, come to the realization I wanted to be sexless all along. *shudder*

Even if there aren't many non-binaries who seek surgery, it is still helpful to put your experiences out there. You never know, there may be individuals or new-comers who stumble upon this thread and be thankful that they were not alone or have some thoughts to chew on while walking their road of self-discovery.

[Pikachu]

It's definitely helped me to learn about others' experiences with transition and dysphoria, and how they see themselves. It may not have altered my own transition path, but it's opened up my mind to a lot of new things. I very much appreciate that.

[Dread_Faery]

My experience of being non binary and having surgery is different. Because cissexism I equated needing to be female bodied with wanting to be a woman/female. I now understand that me being female bodied does not mean that my gender is such and such. I don't feel like I got away with something and I don't miss the old parts either. I used to get dreams where I still had them and the freaked me out, I'd wake up scared that it was still there. I think this was just a part of the getting used to your new body period, my subconscious hadn't caught up to my reality. Sex is way better, before it was purely mechanical, now it can be transcendent (basically I am little miss multiple).

Having surgery allowed me to start to fully explore my gender, I wouldn't have been able to do that before because being male bodied caused me so much distress.

[Taka]

having experienced pretty much all there is to being a woman apart from truly feeling like one and fear of breast cancer, i feel kind of ready to see the other side.
that's the main reason for wanting hrt. seeing life from the other side.
it's not about the social side to it, more like all the other stuff that's private and within me.

i can live happily without anything at all. i'm pretty sure i can.
but i still want it. i don't feel complete not having seen it all.

[Mark3]

I feel like having any SRS would complicate myself so much, it would detract from much of the "Positive trans* experience" I feel I'm having now.?

You all seem so strong and better suited for these things and experiences that I am, I envy you sometimes.. 

[Taka]

mark, i'm just crazy.
having a positive experience and being content with it would a much better way. that takes just as much strength as anything else. and that's a strength i don't have too much of.

[JulieBlair]

If all goes well I will have gender confirmation surgery, and possibly a little FFS about this time next year.  So how non-binary am I?  I'm not sure I know??  As with Suzi, it is important to me for my physical body to align with my internal vision of myself.  But that internal/external alignment is also incomplete.  I've had some long talks with people I admire lately, one of whom is my therapist, and she has suggested that until my transition is completed, it is not likely that I will fully integrate male persona with female reality.

I think that is probably the case. But do I want to surrender in their entirety those male pieces of my personality that work, just because I live, and want to live, as a girl?  Can that which works and is male in orientation merge into the overall person who identifies as Julie without losing something which is both unique and often quite lovely?

It is the male side of me who is a volunteer to the homeless, and unafraid to extend a hand when the outcome is not only uncertain, but possibly hazardous.  It is the male side of me that sponsors both men and women in AA and leads them from the despair of alcoholism to sunlight and serenity.  These things, these personas and others are important to me, and the way I  execute those roles is driven from a masculine perspective.  lol even the way I talk about it is.

So what's it to be?  An anatomically complete woman who has somehow integrated herself into something new and whole?  Or a woman who as abandoned a portion of herself that she feels is valuable because I cannot manage that integration?  I honestly do not know??  What I do know is that I will continue the process, continue to learn and grow, and continue to lean on the men and women here for wisdom.

Shalom,
Julie

[Fifi33]

Thanks! I am dysphoric about my current genitals.. I am transitioning but have yet found total comfort in myself. I have always wanted the have SRS but continiously tell myself when the time comes, then comes my final decision.  (even though I know/feel it will always be yes).. you being non-binary and enjoying the outcome.. Just provides more fire, I know what I am doing! 

-Thanks!

[evecrook]

I've dreamt of it for so very long. I don't know if it ever will be a reality ,but I've cried an ocean of tears wishing for it to come true.

[Taka]

julie,

i am currently living as a woman, while letting my male side do pretty much whatever he wants as long as it's something that society will allow him to do in a female body.
he is no less helpful or caring because of the body, and he can draw strength from the female as well.
she is the one who can't help but speak up against injustice, always looking for a new warpath to tread onto..
i'm glad he's there to keep my calm. and i don't believe for a second that she will be less violent in nature even if i transition.
almost feels like being possessed by the valkyrie i'm named after, just not in a bad way.

[Satinjoy]

If all goes well I will have gender confirmation surgery, and possibly a little FFS about this time next year.  So how non-binary am I?  I'm not sure I know??  As with Suzi, it is important to me for my physical body to align with my internal vision of myself.  But that internal/external alignment is also incomplete.  I've had some long talks with people I admire lately, one of whom is my therapist, and she has suggested that until my transition is completed, it is not likely that I will fully integrate male persona with female reality.

I think that is probably the case. But do I want to surrender in their entirety those male pieces of my personalize that work, just because I live, and want to live, as a girl?  Can that which works and is male in orientation merge into the overall person who identifies as Julie without losing something which is both unique and often quite lovely?

It is the male side of me who is a volunteer to the homeless, and unafraid to extend a hand when the outcome is not only uncertain, but possibly hazardous.  It is the male side of me that sponsors both men and women in AA and leads them from the despair of alcoholism to sunlight and serenity.  These things, these personas and others are important to me, and the way I  execute those roles is driven from a masculine perspective.  lol even the way I talk about it is.

So what's it to be?  An anatomically complete woman who has somehow integrated herself into something new and whole?  Or a woman who as abandoned a portion of herself that she feels is valuable because I cannot manage that integration?  I honestly do not know??  What I do know is that I will continue the process, continue to learn and grow, and continue to lean on the men and women here for wisdom.

Shalom,
Julie

If you embrace yourself as Nonbinary transwoman and integrate all your components, why not?  Fully authentic, wild and free, all of Julie in truth, and gorgeous with the genitalia of your choice.

A thought dear.

Nonbinary mtf.  Beautiful...

Love to you Julie

Satinjoy

[justpat]

         Satinjoy it  Seems like there are several of us here   Why not ? It is  beautiful thing to be able to accept both sides and feel very comfortable either way and still want the body to match our core.
  A woman in a mans body that really wishes to have the body match the brain but has the ability to recognize and embrace both sides that's me.   Thank you for the thread Suzi.     Patty

[Asche]

It's funny.

I don't see myself as having "male" or "female" sides.  The whole idea of labelling anything but those anatomical features as "male" or "female" doesn't make any sense to me.

And yet -- I dream of having a female body.  Yeah, the body of an 18-year-old girl might be nice, but I'd settle for a 61-year-old (my chronological age.)  I'd like to look in the mirror and not see this ugly male body.

Slightly OT: one of the bigger things that hold me back is (I hope it's not TMI) the issue of sexual response.  I've gotten the impression that SRS removes the ability to have sexual pleasure as such.  Though I'm not all that attached to male-style sex in particular, I would find it very difficult if I ended up feeling neutered.

[suzifrommd]

I don't see myself as having "male" or "female" sides.  The whole idea of labelling anything but those anatomical features as "male" or "female" doesn't make any sense to me.

^^^^
Yes, this.

For me it's more like being bilingual. Say you're someone who is fluent in English and speaks enough Spanish to get by. You don't have an English side and a Spanish side. It's more like having two different ways you interact with the world.

[Satinjoy]

Words are so hard to work with, it's like talking in two dimensions about a three-dimensional concept.

With my body dysphoria and the way my body physically responds, grs is an attractive fantasy for me, just unrealistic, and my shrink would not sign off except under duress.

I just hope Suzie gets full pleasure from it, visually it must be terrific.

I have no so called male functionality anymore, not practically any way.

Why deny the nb if we are sure of the choices?

Satinjoy

[suzifrommd]

With my body dysphoria and the way my body physically responds, grs is an attractive fantasy for me, just unrealistic, and my shrink would not sign off except under duress.

This was me throughout my life. I wanted female parts, even would have welcomed SRS, but I figured since I wasn't "a woman in a man's body" no therapist would ever approve it.

And yes, I did have some problem with it, but it was more everyday gatekeeping than any problem with being NB.

Why deny the nb if we are sure of the choices?

Not sure what you're asking here.