think my wifes going to leave me

[ImagineKate]

Angie,

I know what you're going through. I'm going through some of the same myself. My wife has begun sleeping separately and basically mentally and verbally abuses me. She's already talking about us selling the house and going our separate ways. If it weren't for me being happy to come out as my real self I'd be completely devastated.

[Alaia]

Sometimes it's necessary to let someone go... because you love them that much and want what is best for them. Just as we want them to be understanding of our needs, so do we need to be understanding of theirs. It is not fair to expect them to stay if they aren't interested in a relationship with a woman. She can't just flip a switch on her sexuality.

Cherish the time you had together, if she says that the time you spent together was a waste then emphatically refute that. She's just speaking from a hurt position. A loving marriage through good times and bad is never a waste. Express an understanding of her pain but make sure she knows that those years together were very real, the love and companionship was real.

You walked a path together and made many wonderful memories together. Perhaps you can stay friends through this, but it sounds as though here is where your paths diverge. You must follow the path you feel you must go on and she must follow hers.

It is a painful separation, but there is nothing wrong with it. It happens to couples all the time. When you truly love and understand each other then you accept the necessity of it because it is what each of you needs in order to be happy. Life will go on for each of you, this is just the close of a beautiful chapter and the beginning of another.

[RachaelAnne]

Angie I'm in the same boat...
I've been married for 20 years and finally came out to my wife back in March.  She knows that I need to transition and has told me that she'll leave if I do.

So far we're taking this one step at a time, which is very hard for me.  I started beard and chest hair removal, which she's ok with.  She's also come with me to counseling.

She just can't accept my starting HRT yet, and I'm not sure if she ever will.

I'm hoping to work this out together, time will tell.

[BreezyB]

It is so hard what you've done Angie, but I think we all know it's one of the hardest things any person can do in life. And unfortunately there will be some lost relationships and damage along the way. I think the best we can do is just try to minimise the damage, but some things we won't have control over.

I always try to think about the other persons perspective, I place myself in their shoes. Did my partner at the time of meeting me ever think she was with a girl, no, and she made that clear when I started transition. And I understand that completely, she said she's not a Lesbian and I accept that.

I prepared myself to lose people in my life, and it's kind of allowed me to somewhat seperate myself from any attachment. It's hard, but at the same time it makes things easier. I know there'll be other people in my life, and so too will amazing people enter your life Angie.

Hugs,
Bree

[m1anderson]

After 25 years of marriage, recently coming out that I am going to begin the steps to facilitate transition and change, my wife is going to take a "let's wait and see how this all pans out" attitude.

We have a good relationship, grown kids, so it is really about her wrapping her mind around the two concepts of "I thought I knew the man I have always been with and trusted", and, "I am heterosexual and I would never think that I would want to be with another woman".

This, for us is going to be a process. Obviously in my mid-fifties, HRT and it's effects are probably going to be slower and less obvious initially, and I will continue to present as male for a while until we both mutually adjust to change (obviously probably longer than I would like for the sake of our relationship). I am hoping she will like the possible psychological changes before she will ever need to accept the physical change (given that it will be a slow change and that she will be like me in that we don't notice nearly as much with our day to day change). Then, I hope, I pray that she will one day say let's move forward in your presentation, you really are no longer the man I married, but actually still the great supporting and nurturing partner.

But, it is a very fluid work in progress, and with any relationship there will be an expectation to yield together.

[cynthiaverdejo]

I'm not in the same situation but I think he terms of your marriage have changed. She has to be true to herself and may not be able to live with another woman. It's a new reality she probably didn't sign up for, just as you being female is not something you probably expected.

You have to be true to yourself and She has to be too.

[Jess42]

Yep, same here. And after I came out as trans and pointed this out she denied it   

If you do split its very hard but there is life after the split. My wife of 27 years walked out the door about a year ago and we managed to stay friendly. She has found a guy and has moved on and I wish her well. Perhaps the same will hold true for you too if the worst happens.

You are in a safe place here among friends whenever you need someone to talk too. Many of us have been down this same same road.

I always find this extremely interesting. So many of us that have known for a long time and have hid it in some cases really good and in other not so much but still more on the female side at least psychologically and emotionally. For me it is so intertwined into my real personality that it is really useless to even try anymore. Even trying to be a guy, still even, it is so much over the top and more like a character than a real person. When I do act this way I wonder just how many people actually buy it. I wouldn't. But it is kind of ironic that a lot of cis women's ideal guys are actually transgendered. Or some of the characteristics they look for seem to point that way. Emotional anyway.

[Releca]

Angie I'm going through a similar situation myself but I'm taking a bit slower approach. I told my wife who I am and she gave an ultimatum as well but we talked on finding a way to allow me to feel more feminine yet being male enough for her. Since this started she has begun to allow me to wear makeup around the house and grow my hair out. I may be deluding myself but this may be a way of still keeping things going. It all depends on if both of you are willing to compromise till your both happy

[SorchaC]

I was there too  We tried all we could and it came down to my ex wife not being able to support me. She understood after all the years of seeing me dress and not dress what a struggle I was having and I think inside she really would have liked to stay but I just wasn't the kind of woman she could even be friends with. She told me this towards the end. All her friends were like her. They never dressed or acted in really feminine ways and there was me trying to be as girly as I could. I think it annoyed her.

Sometimes when a situation gets to a point where opinions and thoughts are so different a break is the best way. I had a job that took me away from home regularly and after a 2 week trip when she had thinking time that was it done. I hope that your wife realises that she loves you more than any concept of your gender and that she misses you so much she can come home with some idea of how to help you. I know there is an urge to get on with things but Counselling is the definite first step so she has a way to have her views considered. That will help her feel better. For your wife to stay she has to feel that her feelings are being considered while obviously you have things to do the timing of them will be vital

Good Luck

Sorcha 

[Rachel]

Angie, hugs

I realized my wife did not bargain for a MTF  trans-woman spouse so I said as much and asked her to pick from 6 choices:
1) I will leave this one blank,
2) Divorce,
3) Open Marriage,
4) Separate,
5) live as friends.
6) stay married

If she choses #1 I would leave on my own and start no-fault 90 day divorce in PA.

I told her all the choices were always on the table.

She does not want what is happening and to what extent she can adapt I do not know. To what extent I can hold back I do not know. I am starting to let go to trying to make the future and present something it is not and allow what is to happen, happen, and realize things never stay the same and our attempt to mold events makes me unhappy.  This does not mean it does not hurt but I know it is how things are.

[Releca]

I realized my wife did not bargain for a MTF  trans-woman spouse so I said as much and asked her to pick from 6 choices:
1) I will leave this one blank,
2) Divorce,
3) Open Marriage,
4) Separate,
5) live as friends.
6) stay married

I like your list so far mine has chosen 6 but only time will tell and may need to bring it out again if more doesn't change for me

[monica93304]

I don't know how any of us would really be surprised at a wife/girlfriend not being ok with this.  Be who you are.  If you're a lesbian, good luck.  Lesbianism doesn't make sense to me as a trans woman, but it is what it is.  I didn't have any problem pulling "chicks" as a guy, but most women ended up being nasty with me because I was too nice.  Pfffffffffftttttt!

In my opinion women marry men because they are that.  I'd say that VAST majority of women are turned off, and I don't blame them. 

Angie, good luck to you.  Be happy because we only live once. 

[JoanneB]

After I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife 6 years ago I heard a lot of the "I did not marry a woman..." meme. I had no clear vision of what route I was planning on taking. In fact I still don't. She knew of my GD from about day 1 some 30 years ago. Like you, she tolerated and accepted, my need to occasionally dress around the house. Over the course of 30 years my wife also fell victim to the slow changes from me being turned into a lifeless, soulless machine with no hopes, wishes, and dreams.

I haven't heard it for a while now. Thanks to me finally taking on for real the trans beast I am becomming a for real person. A person she loves even more to be around. A person she has learned to trust again. A person she knows that truely loves her and is not looking for her to stay married "Just so I wouldn't be lonely", or just plain guilt. She can see a future together with me living as a woman either part or full time.

We've also had a few difficult discussions along the way. Much along the lines of Cynthia's list. One thing for sure we both feel exactly the same on is placing the other's happiness in front of our own and never wanting to stand between the other's and their happiness. The details we sort out as we feel our way through the darkness.

[bv5913]

I feel for you, i have just lost my wife. And those who do stay are angels.
Try to explain to her more, and see if she can support you if not as a wife, but as a friend. That way she will still be in your life. She may feel left out of this chapter of your life and that is what's hurting her. Ask if she wants to start going to counselling with you. But do not push her away. Give her space and time. If she stills want a divorce, then do not get angry or do anything stupid, you will only make things worst.
She may say things to hurt your feelings, but do not get upset and argue, you are better than that.
My wife, stopped talking to me when i came out, and then got angry, and then just went off and started dating. It upset me, but i did not show it. I stand by my decision, because i know going back would be the death of me. And if you really feel the same, and need to open up and be your true self, then you should, and no matter how hard life will get on your journey, at the end it will be worth it, and life will be so much better.
Hugs to you, and hope you will be ok.
Andrea