think my wifes going to leave me

[angie]

having trouble coming to terms with it but my wife gave me an ultimatum its either her or Angie, she told me she could deal with my alter ego as she calls it every once in awhile but if I want to be angie full time then she can't stay with me because that is not who she married i am  devastated as I know she is too, I just don't know what to do because I love her so much but I also don't think I can handle living anymore with not being myself, and just dressing up as how I feel inside every once in awhile isn't what I want I want to be me all the time this is so hard without her I have nobody! I can't keep stringing her along but I'm also not ready to lose her I don't know what to do

[Jessica Merriman]

It is painful, but a majority of marriages do not hold together. Mine did not after 16 years and two children. Dysphoria though was making my life so bad that I started to become very resentful of her and my mind looked at her as a road block to happiness. I tried so many times to bury my feelings, but it always came back even stronger. I do know you do not want to hear stories like this, but it is life. One thing I did before the breakup was to be given the OK from her to be me at home, but love doesn't come with conditions. Just prepare yourself for the big decision because I fear from what you said that it will happen (decision time) and unacceptable answer to her will end things. 

[Ms Grace]

Hugs. Sadly there is much collateral damage to relationships when we transition. Some partners can cope, but many do not. It's an incredibly difficult position for both parties to be in. Perhaps you can suggest a joint counselling session, although I'm not sure how useful those can be if the SO has already made up their mind.

[Lostkitten]

Would it be possible to change your 'alter ego' as she calls it, into your daily life you? Slowly by changing clothes, wearing different tops, etcetera? If you swap modes so to speak it might be more confronting for her so maybe you could make her get used to it?

I hope you will get trough this, take care ^^.

[angie]

I don't think she will ever get used to it she has told me I could be Angie once in awhile but that's not what I want, I think if I had told her when we first got married it would be different but I don't think she would have married me then, right now she just keeps telling me she's been with me for almost half of her life and she feels like she's been robbed of half of her life, when we got together she didn't want anybody and I would not leave her alone because I was really attracted to her attracted to her I just wish that she could see that I've always been this person inside and I just can't hold it back anymore this is just so very hard I know most all of you know exactly what I'm going through that's why I'm here for any words of advice from people who understand what I am going through

[Jessica Merriman]

Please watch placing any guilt trips on yourself as they will hinder your progress and cause even more anguish. She will go through the classic signs of grief because of the length of the relationship. Just be there if she so desires and educate her as well as you can on the subject of Dysphoria. I do wish you the best, but we will be here if your world collapses with a shoulder just made for tears. 

[helen2010]

Angie

As Jessica says if ultimatums are being given and you know what you need to do then the prognosis may not be great.  However as Kirey and Grace say, something needs to change or the ultimatum will remain.  Counselling can help.  It shows the commitment that you both have, the level of desire that you both may have for your relationship to succeed or to change.  This is important.  At one level new understandings and possibilities may emerge which should be tried.  At another level there may be the possibility of remaining friends should the marriage end.

Relationships are dynamic.  Shared vision and mutual commitment  are essential to their success.  Compromises can sometimes be found when both parties are open to this possibility.  Time helps.   You have both invested a lot in your marriage and I wish you both the best possible outcome.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Jess42]

Please watch placing any guilt trips on yourself as they will hinder your progress and cause even more anguish. She will go through the classic signs of grief because of the length of the relationship. Just be there if she so desires and educate her as well as you can on the subject of Dysphoria. I do wish you the best, but we will be here if your world collapses with a shoulder just made for tears. 

Yep. I definitely agree. No matter how bad it hurts, sometimes we need to leave the old life behind to start anew. What is sad is that in my case a lot of what my ex fell in love with was the real me. She just didn't have a clue I was a woman instead of a man. She just thought I was the perfect man. Sensitive, caring, emotional and on and on.

Jessica is right though. And I just have to add that before you can be true to anyone else, you have to be true to yourself or all you are going to be is miserable and bitter which will make those around you miserable too. They may even come to actually resent you or hate you for it. But you have to do what you feel is right.

[Lostkitten]

I want to add something to it though. I am not sure when you told her, or how long it has been since you told her. But even if it is constantly on your mind I do think you are into this together with her. Although of course you want to develop and be you. You could also have done this 5 years ago, or in 3 years ahead of now. Don't rush it. Rushing it will just make people panic while when you would be giving it time, it could lead to eventually having someone beside you.

The chance will be big the two of you will part, honestly. Someone falls in love with your mind but also your appearance and your sex. But by not rushing it you do risk having to wait longer, but you also give your wife the chance to get used to it, to let it sink in and hopefully at least have someone supporting you or at least staying by your side eventually.

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, Angie. I've been there. I thought it was the end of everything, but I'm actually pretty happy in my life as a single girl.

You have the strength inside you to get through this.

[Rachel]

Angie, hugs.

I know that emotions were very high and the divorce was mentioned a lot when I fist came out. We are still together although as my transition progresses I wonder if the threats are real or a lashing out to something "new". I am taking my time and giving time for people to adjust.

I hope things get better between you and your wife.

[angie]

Talked with her more last night and things went well, I think she is just hoping I will change my mind. I feel bad for her but at the same time better that I'm opening up more to her! She is willing to go to counselling but in the long run I'm not sure if it's going to make a difference!  Don't know if we are  just prolonging the inevitable or if she might come around?  Did talk about the first steps I want to take,  told her I want to start with hair removal and getting my ears pierced,  also that I was looking into hormone treatment, she had many questions and in the end ddidn't fight with me about it for the first time but I think until I do any of this, she will be fine.  It's when the first steps come that shot will hit the fan! B bay next Tuesday and I am going to try to start electrolysis and maybe get my ears pierced,  that will be the first test of how she reacts!  I just hope we can figure out soon if she can go through this because I'm over fighting about it and ready to start becoming me!

[Jessica Merriman]

Here is what you can expect.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

[angie]

I have already dealt with all of those in the last two days and they just keep coming today she doesn't understand any of it and she told me if I have to do this when she's ready to leave, I just told her if that's what she needs to do I understand and I will help her get back to home, told her that that might be the best thing for us right now so we can both figure out if this is going to work out in our lives are not she said she's afraid if she does that then it's just going to be over I just said I love you with all my heart and you have to make up your decision and whatever you decide I will still love you always but this is what I need to do. when does it start to get better?  because right now I know this is what I want inside but at the same time I am torn apart and heartbroken because I love her so much and I just wish she could understand

[kathyk]

I'll be painfully honest.  An incredibly small percentage of us end up staying with our spouse.  As you said, it's difficult on your wife, and it was much the same for my JoAnn.  It took two years for us to accept becoming "Friends".  And for a short time now we've even come to terms with being nothing more than roomates in the house my wife will soon fully own.  However, most wives never even remain our friends, and as couples we have to realize that before healing the wounds.  JoAnn and I understand our separate lives now, and we aren't afraid to talk about what we're planning. 

I personally know one couple in Michigan who stayed married, but as tremendously loving friends.  While I know two couples that found transition brought them closer, and allowed them to expand their life experience here here in the SF Bay Area.  But those are the only three couples I know who stayed together, and that's from more than a hundred previously married (or coupled) transwomen and men that I know and occasionally talk with. 

No, the odds of staying together aren't good, but that doesn't mean for you to give up on marriage and run.  You could be part of that small percent of couples that finds a peaceful and loving reationship.  As many of us have said before, "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst."  It's good advice, even if it's a terrible thing to hear.

Katherine

[CrysC]

A great spouse is worth fighting to keep.  Communicating is key but not too much.  Also, you might also want to go together to a counselor with experience in this area.  This sort of change is very hard on relationships for sure but there are things you can do that give it a chance to work.  It sounds like you are already on the right path and I wish you luck. 

[angie]

So my wife is going home for a while in 2 weeks not sure what to think of all this,  It's getting real very very fast! She needs time to think and take care of her own problems I just wish there was another way, I feel we both need this but I'm scared that it will be the end of us even though she said no matter what happens well always be best friends I am lost! I wish there was a way to have both! But she is not attracted to women and I can't be happy any more without being who I am on the inside on the outside too

[Llano]

Hi Angie, you are NOT alone in these worries, trust me!

I'm in a similar situation, I've come out as questioning to my wife and have explained that I've been told I have Gender Dysphoria by a Gender Therapist. My Wife is very understanding and knowledgeable about the whole thing, but has said she'd have to leave me if I went through with it as she couldn't deal with the whole scenario (the awkward situations etc).

I'm panicking so much now and when ever she asks me whether I feel the need to dress up I dodge around the question, and when ever she asks whether I feel I want to do it all the time, I just answer that I don't know. When inside I feel I'm screaming "Yes! So much!"

I keep feeling anxious when I'm in boy mode and just want that all to end, but at the same time, I do still want to have kids and don't want to lose my wife

I've been told the stages of grief and am really hoping she becomes more accepting before I show my real feelings about the whole situation. But I feel I'm just digging myself into a rut.

Claire

[Eva Marie]

What is sad is that in my case a lot of what my ex fell in love with was the real me. She just didn't have a clue I was a woman instead of a man. She just thought I was the perfect man. Sensitive, caring, emotional and on and on.

Yep, same here. And after I came out as trans and pointed this out she denied it   

If you do split its very hard but there is life after the split. My wife of 27 years walked out the door about a year ago and we managed to stay friendly. She has found a guy and has moved on and I wish her well. Perhaps the same will hold true for you too if the worst happens.

You are in a safe place here among friends whenever you need someone to talk too. Many of us have been down this same same road.

[angie]

thanks so much for all the good advice and support that everybody here is giving me it means so much to me, I feel as though even though I'm losing my life I am being reborn at the same time