Pros and cons to being stealth?

[wolfxheart]

I'm in the closet and pre-everything, but when I think about it, I don't want to be stealth.  I want to be as open about my gender as I am open about being gay (that is - I don't have to run up to every stranger on the street and tell them I'm trans, but I also don't want to have any reservations hiding it, and I just want people to know).  I just feel like it'll be easier, I feel like it'll making dating easier if I never have to worry about someone "finding out" I'm transgender and being upset, it'll make friendships less stressful to know right off the bat that people are okay with me, it just feels more healthy to me, emotionally, to be able to express that.  I live somewhere currently where I honestly don't think it'll be a problem, and I am moving to somewhere even more trans friendly as soon as I can.  But it seems like I see a lot of people being stealth, and talking about doing xyz to help you be stealth, etc, etc, etc.  Is it important?

[FriendsCallMeChris]

I'm pre also and am having the same thoughts as you are.  I'm looking forward to hearing from every one.

[evecrook]

well, I'm one of the non stealth because of my age It's impossible with the testosterone damage.

[gennee]

I'm out all the time. Made the decision a long time ago that I was going to live openly.

[Zumbagirl]

I have been living a very quiet and uneventful life as a woman now for coming up on my second decade now. As nice as living a quiet life is, and it is nice, I have been contemplating "coming out" if you can call it that and joining an LGBT colleague group at work. Of course once I say it, it can never be unsaid, and the more people that know, the less likely I would be able to hide it if I decided to change jobs in the future. It's a double edged sword and to be honest I am not sure which way to go.


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[suzifrommd]

Stealth seems horribly stressful. Always worrying when your past will catch up to you or what might let the cat out of the bag.

Pretty much everyone who gets to know me will learn I'm trans. I try to be a resource to educate people, since I might be the only trans person that any of them knowingly meet.

[AdamMLP]

I'm stealth, and yeah it is stressful sometimes, but that's because I'm pre-everything, so there are still quite a few cues which I worry could signal someone to believe that I'm female.  It's stressful when someone that the manager of the neighbouring patch, who I was supposed to work for but was relocated, and doesn't know about my transition, asks us to do some work for him, but thus far he's never outted me.

If I wasn't stealth then I'd just be worrying whether people saw and treated me as a guy without question though, and that would be at least equally as bad.  I don't want to be worrying whether people are just humouring me, and anyway, what is it to them?  Why do they need to know?  It's not a medical condition which I'm obliged to tell them as it might effect my safety and ability to do my job, it's just a fact about me which is minor in the grand scheme of everything except my brain.

Being stealth isn't for everyone, either by choice or ability.  But what's worth remembering that if you are read correctly consistently then it's much easier to be stealth and come out than it is to be out and become stealth.  You don't normally get a second chance at being stealth unless you move a long way away, and even then things have a habit of following you.

[Zumbagirl]

Stealth seems horribly stressful. Always worrying when your past will catch up to you or what might let the cat out of the bag.

Pretty much everyone who gets to know me will learn I'm trans. I try to be a resource to educate people, since I might be the only trans person that any of them knowingly meet.

I have never found it be in any way stressful. The words I would use to describe a stealth life are peaceful and quiet. Nothing much happens. In this world we live in today anyone can find out anything about anybody because there is no notion of privacy anymore. I just never put myself in a situation where anyone would become suspicious of me. That doesn't mean it hasn't happened or will never happen. It just means that even if coworkers or friends become suspicious that I might not be who I say I am (or however you want to word it), it doesn't mean that I have to sit around and worry needlessly over it.

There is something to be said of both sides of the coin though. On one hand there is living a peaceful quiet life as a woman without problems or issues. The problem is it only makes me happy. In other words, "I" am happy, even if no one else is because of repression from society. On the other hand there is also something to be said about letting someone know "hey you work with someone who transitioned a long time ago. what do you want to know?". Both sides have very interesting and very much divergent outcomes. I can in theory live the rest of my life as a woman, no one will ever know about my struggle and journey and how I came to be where I am today. On the other hand there is also the fear of being "less than who I am" by simply saying "I'm also one of *those* kind of people". It's definitely an interesting problem. My advice to people has always been try stealth first and if you don't like, then change. The only risk is being thought of as sort of less than who you say you are.

[Carrie Liz]

I thought the same way pre-transition, but once you actually get there, the ability to just be accepted as a normal member of your identity gender is such a HUGE thing.

[suzifrommd]

I just never put myself in a situation where anyone would become suspicious of me.

I have so much trouble doing that. Whenever I talk about my marriage, it's impossible to hide the fact that my spouse was a female, which tags me as a 5'11" lesbian with large feet. Too easy for people to put two plus two together. When I go to LGBT spaces, they clock me pretty much right away, because they're used to seeing trans women in that space and know what to look for. I could stay away from LGBT spaces, but that's where gay and bi women are to be found.

[evecrook]

I'm in the closet and pre-everything, but when I think about it, I don't want to be stealth.  I want to be as open about my gender as I am open about being gay (that is - I don't have to run up to every stranger on the street and tell them I'm trans, but I also don't want to have any reservations hiding it, and I just want people to know).  I just feel like it'll be easier, I feel like it'll making dating easier if I never have to worry about someone "finding out" I'm transgender and being upset, it'll make friendships less stressful to know right off the bat that people are okay with me, it just feels more healthy to me, emotionally, to be able to express that.  I live somewhere currently where I honestly don't think it'll be a problem, and I am moving to somewhere even more trans friendly as soon as I can.  But it seems like I see a lot of people being stealth, and talking about doing xyz to help you be stealth, etc, etc, etc.  Is it important?

pretty much the way I feel

[Susan522]

As nice as living a quiet life is, and it is nice, I have been contemplating "coming out" if you can call it that and joining an LGBT colleague group at work.

Why would you do that?  Are you lonely or bored?  Do you date?  Do you have a social life away from work?

To the OP:  If you are openly gay, why would you even consider being stealth?