I have nothing to lose (just a dumb rant)

[Gothic Dandy]

I need to get this off my chest and I'm hoping that one person might understand. One person would be enough. Wouldn't post it on a public forum if I was going to be all, "Nobody needs to hear this, just ignore my ranting  "

Everyone talks about how you lose everything when you begin to transition. They warn you (warn me) about the dangers you face and how you just don't know how bad it will be until it actually hits you in the face. You lose your family, your job, your cat, whatever.

I have nothing to lose. I have awful family relationships that I have always wished I could escape. I have very few friends, all of whom are LGBT or allies already. I have no job, no professional contacts, and I've given up on my dream career. I wanted to be a good housewife, and I can't even do that, I just cleaned off a bunch of moldy dishes tonight. Prior to coming to the realization that I'm trans, I had cut ties with my previous social circle of 8 years. One by one, all of the interests I'd possessed died a cruel death thanks to some disappointment--a band broke up, a fashion style turned toward hideous trends, I was invisible to a fandom...

I have NOTHING. Almost.

I have a marriage that was already on the rocks. I have a daughter who will never be a loss, but I WILL lose the quaint little family life I'd hoped to have with her. You can't tell me that these things outweigh the rest. I can't describe it. I just have no life, and it's such a lame existence. I'm not going to continue sacrificing a part of myself that's screaming at me in order to preserve a rocky marriage and a 1950 housewife's pipe dream. What else do I have? I have new hobbies/interests and no one to share the love of them with; I finally have a new social circle that I'm too new to be attached to and would not miss.

The only place I can go from here is up. Identifying as FTM gives me this overwhelming sense of peace and hope. Like I have unlocked some reserve of potential inside myself, like I'm...growing up? How weird is that? Like I'm a kid who is finally growing up.

[LordKAT]

My situation was different but with similarities. I also had not much to lose. Namely acceptance or not from my adult children.  That feeling of finally being able to grow up is familiar.

I would not say what you are feeling is weird at all.

[Athena]

I think I can understand mostly where you are coming from. I have no spouse or kids and loosing most of my friends will be probably more of a relief then anything.

[Edge]

The only place I can go from here is up.

Exactly. If you have nothing to lose, then you have everything to gain.
When I was younger, I lost my home, my family, my friends, my sanity, I barely had any hours at work, and what people tend to describe as "lost everything." I hadn't lost everything though. I still had my life and tools (both internal and external) to make a new life.
I lost that too a few years ago. I lost my fiance, my house, and the dream I had at the time. Funnily enough, he told me I wouldn't be able to make it without him, but I already knew I could do it because I had done it before.
Now I'm in university on my way to becoming a research scientist, I'm one of the strongest people I know, and I love the life I made for myself.

[Mark3]

Identifying as FTM gives me this overwhelming sense of peace and hope. Like I have unlocked some reserve of potential inside myself, like I'm...growing up? How weird is that? Like I'm a kid who is finally growing up.

Even though I'm lumped into the non binary bunch and won't be MtF probably, I really relate to your words here..

It's living the dream, living as the real person you are..
It's going to be hard sometimes, and you really need support in your life. Your existing negativity towards everything in your life could be a recipe for depression, even suicidal thoughts if things get really tough.. Deffinately seek a therapist or Doctor you can rely on for help, and get proper care and information..

Best wishes.

[Gothic Dandy]

Wow, thanks you guys. I was sure I was only going to make people angry, for some reason. Thank you, sincerely.

Now I'm in university on my way to becoming a research scientist, I'm one of the strongest people I know, and I love the life I made for myself.

That's the best thing anybody can say about themselves. You are awesome, and I hope I feel the same one day.