when the past returns and so do you, ending running from trans

[Satinjoy]

Estradiol has restored my long term memory and I am flooded with memories of the past, including some that were shut down to survive booze.

Acceptance is tough, the fear that the family will reject the core me is rather uncomfortable.  I guess it depends as usual on what I choose to reveal.

But the thread is not about Satinjoy it is about you.

What has your experience been with restoration of self and stopping running from trans. Nonbinary style, where we do not walk away from who we were, instead we integrate it into our cores and presentation.

Fighting booze again, just out of an aa meeting, but no worries there I am a senior member.  It is relevant though...

Nails out, wore my knee high boots to the meeting, they didn't even notice it.

Restoration of our past selves, thoughts my dear ones?

[suzifrommd]

For me the journey was less the restoration of a past self and more discovering who I would have been if I hadn't been shoehorned into the male gender.

I'm discovering a person who loves shopping, delights in matching my clothing and jewelry, makes strong emotional connections with women and is sensitive to the emotional world.

I like that person much better.

[Jessica Merriman]

Fighting booze again, just out of an aa meeting, but no worries there I am a senior member.

It IS a worry! I don't care if you are the President of the chapter. no one is safe from relapse.

[Mark3]

I share your booze history SatinJoy, that has seemed a by-product of not being my true self, a way of running, or hiding, or filling the void, numbing the pain, and simplifying my confusion about myself and life in general.

My past really isn't able to return in realistic ways anymore for me. My parents are gone, we moved away from our home town as far as we could be now, by chance or not, we're kinda isolated now from things and people that I would have trouble dealing with and sharing my trans* experiences, growth and understanding with.
Theres no way they would ever have understood, and Im sorry if I sound cruel, but in a lot of ways I'm glad they're gone, it's made my life so much less stressed, and more free and open to all things, especially Gender and orientation and all that. But my wife is great, she lets me be me pretty much all the time, and thats a relief for sure..

My restoration, to me is kind of what you said, not running from trans* at all, but intograting it into my being.
I want to take advantage of it in my life. It's made me so much better than I felt before, more artistic, more emotional, more understanding, many positive things, and It hits me like a brick sometimes(in a good way) that I'm really the person I am now, down to my soul.. It's reassuring, and it doesn't take my energy like if I was trying to be someone I'm not, but it gives me energy, to be more than I thought I ever could be.

I'm supporting your sobriety in spirit and prayer, I hopes it goes well.

[Satinjoy]

It feels powerful, restorative, wonderful, scary.  Because I had left that person behind, and should not have.

The booze I know what to do with, it is not unusual and I never let my guard Down.  But I wonder how many ran from the past and found it eventually chased them down.  No disrespect to anyone.  In another reality I could well have been very much like Suzie, and yet, something inside for me sees it as not my truth, but a part of it too.

Life trans nb.  Still adjusting, probably right on schedule for the process of reconstructing a life on a true, for me, foundation.

Blessings

Satinjoy

[JulieBlair]

I've given  up running.   I ran until I could no longer walk. I ran until the only places that looked welcoming,  housed the dead.  I ran until the booze and the drugs no longer worked.  I ran until I found the light.

For me the running ended when I became a seeker.  I cannot run fast enough to escape myself, but once I ceased to flee I began to find out who it is that I might become, and I love that beautiful pilgrim.  The process of self facing that transition entails, has been for me a journey into authenticity and joyful reality.  If I am seeking, I am given the gift of a daily reprieve form the madness of desperation.  For the first time in my life I have found a path that works, is sustainable, and filled with hope.  I am on the road to Damascus,  and in good company.

Peace,
Julie

[kelly_aus]

Running? Booze didn't help me with that.. Cocaine and amphetamines were my poison.. And they are long in my past.

And then came a point where I could lie to myself and the world no more and I stopped running and walked to the nearest gender therapist.

[Satinjoy]

Interesting night, was out in the z28 and it's beautiful, and I realized I felt all this strength and power in my transitioned body while listening to old rock from the days of the gay discos.  I would get blasted drunk and go dancing, a bottle of champagne in one hand and showing enough Camisole to get laid.

These are the unfiltered memories that came back, candles and incense and sex, and I pulled the repression off the memories.

I felt wild, powerful, filled with stage presence while feeling trans to the teeth, even though not outwardly presenting.

Such a strong feeling, accepting this New body, no wonder I still am so emotional.  Mercurial, cool word, think Df nailed it.

Blessings

Satinjoy

[evecrook]

I stopped running when the earth below my feet disappeared and there was this black empty abyss I was falling into and the only freedom was death.

[Jaded Jade]

Never underestimate the demon of drink, I am not anti-booze, but I always keep a bit of healthy fear of it in my heart and mind.  It has killed so many, especially trans-people.  I have an uncle who is gay, and has a drinking problem.  He was one of my favourite people, and I watched it take him a drop at a time.

I was lucky that I learned from it, and I have never let myself drink when sad or angry.  25 years with untreated dysphoria it would have killed me if I did, too much would never have been enough.

But with no body image of what I should look like that worked for me, and never seeing myself in the mirror, I used food and bad eating habits to cope.

Accouple years ago when I figured myself out I was ~85lbs overweight, and the doctor talking about heart disease and type 2 diabetes.  The cancer I had 15 years ago might have been from my bad diet too.   I'd traded a fast killing demon for a slower one.

I was in torment, and I could tell you where on my commute there was no barrier wall, no curb, and a flat pitch to a tree of sufficient diameter to stop a car going at highway speed instantly.  (I never would, I am too stubborn, but I couldn't not see those trees...)

But when I figured out I really was trans, non-binary, and had GD it all made sense.  When I looked at androgynous images as a health goal, it was the first time I felt like I had an endpoint that was me.  It has made all of the difference in the world. 

I'm down 55 pounds, 30 to go.  The moderate contour changes let me see myself in the mirror, so I feel better.  Low dose HRT silences the GD noise.  And the better part of me I had locked in a tower years ago is now free and part of me.

And I am better for it.  : )


- Jaded Jade