This keeps happening with girls...

[LatrellHK]

Okay so I need help with females. I know I sound like a little 14 y/o boy with his first crush but I am so confused! Basically, I identify as lesbian (coming out as trans currently) at my h.s. Now it's small and all but news of THAT travels surprisingly slow. Anyway, I met this other lesbian chick a few weeks back (I was like, "there are more?") and we hit it off. We were super good, loads of flirting, hugs, touchy feely, a bit kissy , UNTIL she found out I was trans. Simply because my friend whos good at calling me by my preferred male name called me and when this girl wants to know why I explained it and she immediately backed off saying she doesn't date dudes and sorry. I feel awful for not telling her but dang! This only really got to me because I really did like her a lot and am STILL getting over it.

But this isn't the only time. It's like the sixth or seventh time I got close with chicks and it fell off because I told them I was trans. Either it is because they're completely gay or the thought of dating a "man in a females body" is too weird. I understand both but hate it too. I am called a huge flirt and am good at it until I break out that news. I still can playfully flirt, but nothing serious bc of that. And today at work this girl was seriously flirty while I was ringing her up (so obvious even the manager asked if anything was going on afterward and a few other coworkers thought the same) and she asked if I was single. I said yes. When she asked why I explained it and she said, literally words, "damn, I thought you WERE a guy! Sorry, strictly d__kly here." and giggled. She did say it's weird though that I am and I chuckled and said, if only you knew what I go through and did her stuff and she left. Left me with the sting of another straight girl with mistaken gender feeling I get. It's bothersome.

Basically, I'm not only ranting. I'm wondering exactly what to do. Do I even try dating? Being single is kinda depressing when all my friends are dating, and tell the girl the truth? Do I try it and lie? Do I even tell her at all atm and tell her later? Or do I avoid dating and see what happens? I'm so confused and bothered. It's bad when you know you've gotten close with several girls only to have in crash out, but worse when you see them daily. I have a crush on my coworker, same girl as before, and it's driving me INSANE. And not from desperation where I like anything, but I've had the longest crush on her since we first met and now that we've been catching up at work after a minute I'm starting to feel that way about her again. I wanna know what to do if it gets to that point cause I don't think she knows I'm trans, but everyone calls me Chris and a few managers use male pronouns so she might tbh.

[campenella]

I'm going to be straight with you and tell you to stop flirting with lesbians. You are a guy and lesbians don't want to date a guy. You shouldn't want to be with a lesbian because you were assigned female at birth. You aren't a girl if you're transitioning. Stick with bi or straight girls and just don't take it too hard. Being out and letting people know you are trans can be a double edged sword especially if it gets around that you're a 'ftm lesbian' which is something many people deal with early on in transition dealing with their feelings around living as a lesbian for a little while.  If you're only interested in girls, go for straight girls who don't mind an atypical male or can see past your birth status.

Since you're young it might be a little difficult, but just don't give up. If a girl says 'You're a guy but not really' or 'I thought you were a guy' They might not be for you or you may be explaining it in a way that they get it misconstrued? Don't be mad at girls who are attracted to cis dudes or penis because it doesn't have to much with gender, man. It's all about attraction. It sucks, but just be confident. Sounds like you're getting out there so kudos to you.

Can you walk us through what you say to girls? I have a feeling there might be some miscommunication.

[CapnKye]

If you identify as FTM (male), I'd think you would be happy that lesbians don't want to date you because that means they are respecting your gender identity.

[Brandon]

Well your a guy and lesbians don't like men which is why I have never had a lesbian attracted to me only bi and straight girls, thats your best bet.

[LatrellHK]

Okay mistyped that part.
I don't intentionally go for lesbians tbh. I actually go for straight or bi chicks but in my city, that's hard to find.
I meant I got the "I don't date guys" answer three times, and only once did I know she was lesbian and still went for it for reasons unknown to myself.

[Gothic Dandy]

When I think about how my dating life as a transguy might go, I pretty much come up with your scenario...I just thought that was the dating life of a trans person.

Being honest is probably the best thing to do. Continue what you're doing and try to keep your chin up. Sorry I can't offer any experienced advice.

Maybe you can try online dating in order to find girls outside your city? Just a thought.

[FTMax]

Being honest and upfront is probably the best policy if this is a position you typically find yourself in with women. Like you, I identified as a lesbian prior to coming out as trans. Since I knew I was eventually going to come out and want to transition medically, I didn't pursue anyone that identified as a lesbian. If they expressed interest, that was another matter entirely.

I've had the most luck with women that identify as bisexual or queer, or publicly straight but privately questioning their sexuality. As of yet, I haven't made any attempts to date straight, cisgender women. I'm not at all interested in dating anyone until starting hormones and having top surgery done, so I'll have to report back after those are taken care of

Honestly though, I think it really boils down to how you click with someone and the fluidity of sexuality in general. Part of the purpose of identifying and labeling yourself sexually is to say to others "this is what I like, this is what I don't like". Girls that identify as lesbians are affirming your gender identity by not dating you - they are saying that they like women, which you are not. It seems easier to meet and mingle with them because you identified as one for a good part of your life, but you likely will not be able to have a healthy relationship with one without one of you feeling invalidated.

[Hex]

Maybe outlet source some dating sites or places you might think would help connect with more bi/pan/straight girls?
I know people cringe at the fetlife site because they think it's all about kinks and fetishes but honestly it's also a wonderful site to connect with bi/pan/straight people as well who are vanilla and just looking for someone else and it's completely free to use.

A LOT of the bi/pan girls I've met this year are either through fetlife or magically have one. There are people into trans specifically too so there's something as well to look at.
You'd be surprised who you could find in your area just from a simple search.
Almost freaked me out finding all the people in my area I might of just walked past and never of known.