Core gender, finding your core

[Satinjoy]

I am curious how many people have pulled into this concept, this is something I originally developed after reading an Ativan post about finding gender by silencing everything around you and looking deep within yourself.

I started looking at gender as triune, physical, social and spiritual or deep core, the core being who I am deep within, that place so far inside that it looks at all around it and recognizes layers of gender, of identification, social pressures, stuff like that.

The core is also deep values, the soul, the heart, the motives.  it is the truth seeker and teller, the place that knows the truth of who I am and watches everything around me comparing it to that truth.

Lately, just before I had my full acceptance moment that I am still processing in that core, Lately I had an experience where the components of self quietly decided to melt into my core and instead of separation it became merged into the wholeness, the diamond heart of me, if that is not to presumptuous, but I believe it nonetheless.

So, how about you.  Do you believe you have a core gender, a place that  transends presentations, dressing and comfort zones, a deep place inside you that sees your totality as who you are, that you can rely on and pull back to when the going is tough, that is rock stable and knows your truth? 

How did you find your core?

Did you find one? Do you believe you have one?

Can you describe your core here?  Mine used to be non gendered, observing, somewhat distanced, now it is passionate, still observing but fully involved, and it is transgendered.   Not male, not female, many faceted, a nonbinary transgendered mtf with multiple presentations and social capabilities and realities.  All real, that is nonbinary.

But can you describe your core?  Has it changed?  Are you looking for it? 

I think I found something profoundly real, that pierces deception and presentation and dysphoria and finds something far more powerful, far more reaching than lipstick and boobs and no boobs and binders and other things we use.  Far more than externals, far more powerful, a driving force of trans in our lives, each totally unique and personal, each composed of our totality and life experience, each more valuable than can be calculated.   A trans reality, a foundation where we can build presentation and social balance and physical joy from.  A diamond.

Thoughts about core genders my dear ones?

We'll probably get some mtf and ftm involvement on this one, lets all be respectful regardless of what your core or presentations may be or if you are nb or not nb.  No criticizing others here please.  Don't let it scare you off thread either.  The core is not a nonbinary thing only, we all have our core.  It is who we are.  But it is key to my nonbinary experience, a non binary born concept, arguably.

Love to all

Blessings from Satinjoy

[Mark3]

I have to "ponder" this for a while in my brain.

More later.

[justpat]

   My core is feminine, totally,this was very evident since my late teens but not accepted because no other people like me existed to my knowledge.Ignorance lead me to an "adapt and survive" mentality and this was my life till meltdown at 63.  Then Susans was discovered and my life took on new meaning that of total acceptance and presentation even though a very borderline feminine appearance was achieved  it was mine. After swinging to the far feminine side hrt and therapy brought me back to the realization that the masculine side was an important part of me also. We bonded into one, each accepting the other and now living in true harmony like a loving husband and wife.The feminine part drives the emotions and presentation and appreciates the wisdom and knowledge gained from 63 years of masculine experience. This leaves me as NB, never really masculine never really feminine but totally a blend of the best of both sides and one very HAPPY woman who only has one step left to make the body and core match as close as possible.   Patty   

[Jessica Merriman]

Life is too short. Just live like you want to without driving yourself crazy.

I am female, period. Nothing else needs to be said.

[EchelonHunt]

I am genderless at the core... but part of me has been thinking lately, perhaps I do not have a core. Just energies of feminine, masculine and neutral swirling together, surrounding what could have been a core.

I have a darkness where my core used to exist, a darkness so deep that if I let it consume myself, all emotions and thoughts will fade into the background...everything become white noise. It gives me peace and serenity to observe my true nature, my perception of myself without any nagging sensations of shame, guilt and fear tugging at my mind. This reminds me to let myself go tonight before I fall asleep, that quiet place inside my mind allows me to find my peace where my fears of society will not get to me. One day, I will break free... the time will come, I just need to hide in my shell for the time being and prepare until I am ready to give zero hoots about what anyone or society thinks.

I am nothing, yet the energies that surround me are the everything that give me the purpose of who I am today... I am a feminine child who is boy-like yet sexless in physical appearance, androgynous that allows me to float about in freedom in regards to gender expression, unrestrained and having endless possibilities to explore. The darkness gives me light, the silence gives me strength, the sexless identity gives my life meaning and purpose to strive forward in order to align my body with my mind.

Everyone here at Susans, just witnessing the discussion everyday, it gives me strength - it inspires me. Thank you all.

[Jessica Merriman]

How do some of you enjoy life spending all your time thinking of this stuff? Is it that important to label yourselves? If I thought about who or what I was all day I would be in a padded room. Forget the core and go watch some birds or kittens playing. That's life! 

[EchelonHunt]

It's not about labels. For me, it's about finding out who I am.

I thought I found myself once as a man and thought I was set for life. Little did I know how wrong I was.

Boy. Girl. Woman. Man.

I cannot be defined by these terms. If you can, more power to you. I, on the other hand, enjoy expressing myself in more depth.   

[Jessica Merriman]

For me, it's about finding out who I am.

You are YOU quite simply! You are unique and special. My therapy bill is in the mail and I do accept Visa! 

Cookies anyone? 

[suzifrommd]

How did you find your core?

I did a thought experiment. I asked myself two questions:

1. How would I feel if I never could be male again. Never hang with males as one of them, never be seen as even a little bit male, never act like a male, etc.

Answer: It would be strange since I spent my entire 50 years as one, but I think I could get used to it.

2. How would I feel if I could never be female, never hang with females as one of them, never be seen as even a little bit female, never act like a female, etc.

Answer: It would feel like a piece of me had been cut out.

It was then that I knew I was female at the core and that the male parts of my identity are grafted on from decades of living as one.

Good luck Satinjoy. I hope this helps.

[EchelonHunt]

You are YOU quite simply! You are unique and special.

If you had told me this when I was eighteen, I would have tilted my head to one side and ask you, "Who am I? How do you know I am unique and special? Because I exist?" Not because I am self-deprecating but because I simply do not know myself.

I am still discovering something new about myself everyday. Unique and special? Yes, everyone is in their own way. My way? I would like to find out. I take joy in introspecting myself and building my knowledge even further than before. Having a heightened self-awareness of one's identity and self is important, I believe.

Cookies anyone? 

Cookies? Why, yes please. *O nom nom noms on cookie*

[Taka]

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,150530.msg1251389.html#msg1251389
because i don't see much point in repeating myself.

jessica
some people actually find philosophy interesting.
i live to learn, i feel dead when i can't learn or help others learn.
it is great that you are able to live without questioning every single little thing. it really does make life easier.
but i never asked for an easy life, and even if i were given the choice, i'd still choose to just be me, a person who seeks truth in everything.
one of my nicest realizations was of how the grass is green because it eats light.
being able to imagine that and all kinds of other things, is what gives my life meabing outside getting food on my daughter's table.

[Jessica Merriman]

some people actually find philosophy interesting.

I do too in moderation. It is when it becomes obsession it is a problem.

Life without too many mysteries is just not that exciting to me personally. I love the discoveries that are more spontaneous like a child.

I am putting no one down, I just feel like for some it is the driving force in their lives which can actually make things worse, nothing else. 

[Dread_Faery]

Our entire existences are created by a linguistic framework of labels, so yes Jessica, labels are hella important.

[Jessica Merriman]

Our entire existences are created by a linguistic framework of labels, so yes Jessica, labels are hella important.

I am not a label, I am Jessica a unique human among many! 

I take that back. I label myself blonde!! 

[Taka]

thinking is a dangerous sport to do, that's true.
but sometimes, it also helps. depends on how you do it...

i learned to take a break when i'm not getting anywhere.
just being is enough.

but with the childhood i've had, trans really wasn't the most difficult thing i've had to deal with, and much of my thinking has been in order tolearn not only who i really am but also to just be. watching children and butterflies was never encouraged in my home, neither was listening to metal. there were so many rules that my real self, almost every aspect of it, drowned completely.

without thinking, i could not have convinced myself that it's worth living through each day simply because them there will still be a chance to see happiness one day. i would have committed suicide in grade school if not for thinking, because the person i am was never valued by anyone, and my existence truly was miserable.

i won't say more about childhood though. it's way too dark, and i have already come to terms with myself about it. only a little bit of grief is left, the bitterness and blame are gone, and my darkness is again one where i can find peace.

[Dread_Faery]

My point is that language is merely a system of labels that we have arbitrarily applied to the world around us in order to make sense of it.

I think therefore I am, if I could not recognise and label myself as I, would I even exist?

[Jessica Merriman]

I think therefore I am, if I could not recognise and label myself as I, would I even exist?

Do you get a lot of headaches? 

[Mark3]

I've done this kind of soul searching for a long time, its probably why I was so unhappy before, and feel so liberated now. Feeling like I do at my deepest core, yet unknowingly continuing to see myself as CIS on the outside caused great conflict within myself.. Even coming here to Susans and all of you was a conflict at first.. It was like my inner core's force was dragging me kicking and screaming behind it, to where it needed to be, so the rest of me could learn and catch up. Looking back in hindsight, it makes so much sense now.

But I don't use gender terms or words to myself when I dive down that deep within myself. I don't use any words at all.? My inner core is much more a place of feelings, almost vivid enough to be thought of as deep dark colors, rather than any sort of words. My core is always full of tears of every kind, sadness, happiness, longings, loves and angers and hate all simmering together, its the place of only the most powerful essence of my being.

I don't really understand how to describe my core gender.? I don't think of it in those terms, because in my core being there are none of those socially constructed parameters to judge myself by.? I'm simply a life force, a being of powerful feelings and rich colors or deep groaning sounds churning and mixing slowly. That's about as close a description as I've ever told anyone..

My thought on this.?
Only that if I can live the outer parts of my life true to my core values, I'm happier, and life's energy flows through me much easier than when I'm trying to be someone I'm not meant to be.. The climax of that being when or if you can become perfectly aligned with your core in everything you do, life becomes almost effortless or spiritual in nature.
I admit I'm very far from that though..

Peace & love.

[Jessica Merriman]

I've done this kind of soul searching for a long time, its probably why I was so unhappy before, and feel so liberated now. Feeling like I do at my deepest core, yet unknowingly continuing to see myself as CIS on the outside caused great conflict within myself.. Even coming here to Susans and all of you was a conflict at first.. It was like my inner core's force was dragging me kicking and screaming behind it, to where it needed to be, so the rest of me could learn and catch up. Looking back in hindsight, it makes so much sense now.

But I don't use gender terms or words to myself when I dive down that deep within myself. I don't use any words at all.? My inner core is much more a place of feelings, almost vivid enough to be thought of as deep dark colors, rather than any sort of words. My core is always full of tears of every kind, sadness, happiness, longings, loves and angers and hate all simmering together, its the place of only the most powerful essence of my being.

I don't really understand how to describe my core gender.? I don't think of it in those terms, because in my core being there are none of those socially constructed parameters to judge myself by.? I'm simply a life force, a being of powerful feelings and rich colors or deep groaning sounds churning and mixing slowly. That's about as close a description as I've ever told anyone..

My thought on this.?
Only that if I can live the outer parts of my life true to my core values, I'm happier, and life's energy flows through me much easier than when I'm trying to be someone I'm not meant to be.. The climax of that being when or if you can become perfectly aligned with your core in everything you do, life becomes almost effortless or spiritual in nature.
I admit I'm very far from that though..

Peace & love.

Brilliant! +1 

[Sosophia]

My point is that language is merely a system of labels that we have arbitrarily applied to the world around us in order to make sense of it.

I think therefore I am, if I could not recognise and label myself as I, would I even exist?

"i" would still exist even if i was lobotomized just not in the same state ,  iv been on antipsychotic for a fews month and had difficulties feeling and thinking yet "i" was still existing