So one of the most important things to me is my family, since my father was in the armed services we moved around a lot and our little family was all we ever really knew. I'm so at the end of ropes with them and my own sense of putting up with crap because I love my family and no matter what the writing is on the wall, they will never accept or love me for who I am. Things with my parents have been going pretty well ever since I went full time 3 months ago but when I went over to my folks house my mom suddenly asks me "am I ok with eternal damnation for being on the path against god that I am on right now?"
I knew where this was going and I said I'm not on a path to eternal damnation, god loves me no matter what I do because I do my best to do the right thing and I'm an incredibly nice & caring person. "Well it doesn't matter what kind of surgeries you have or how feminine you will look & sound and if everyone in the world see's you only as a woman, I will never see you as a woman because you are a man and god made you that way" Pardon my French but this sudden chat was completely out of left f'in field as my parents have been using the right pronouns for quite some time but as we talked more and more the word "tolerate" kept coming up over and over. I'm so damn pissed & hurt right now and have been pushed to that f'in ragged edge where I don't like to be.
But if that wasn't enough then there's more as today as I was trying to shake that crap off and continue on the best that I can I was suppose to get my hair cut and after I drove 30 miles to the hairstylist I happen to see that she has a client in her chair getting highlights done. I'm quite perplexed as I double check my phone calendar and sure enough I have a date for today at that time to get my hair done. She comes outside says what am I doing here in this really awkward odd tone of voice, your appointment isn't until next weekend. She then says call her later today but she has to get back inside and work on her client in the chair. This hairstylist has been pretty good to me over last 5 years that I've been using her and she has not had any issues with me being transgender. But here's what sent me off the edge of the cliff, as I walk away towards my car the door to the salon is slowly closing and I can hear what she says "Yep, silly thought today was her appointment" and the client laughed. Maybe I am putting to much thought into what happened but I think she was full of it and I did NOT have the mental energy at that point to go inside and start an argument. I knew that this was the day to get my hair cut as we always go 6 weeks and this was the normal 6th week but going next week would put me at 7 weeks. So now I'm debating on even going back to her as I'm very certain that she just double booked the timeslot or another client suddenly showed up with an emergency right before my appointment and my stylist just forgot to call or text me asking to reschedule which I would have been fine with doing as my afternoon was very free and flexible. Maybe I'm just over reacting and my appointment really wasn't till next weekend and I happened to just put in the wrong date on my phone, I don't know. So yay more emotional hurt feelings as I left and then had to quickly pull over and have a horrible ->-bleeped-<-ing crying breakdown on the side of the road for over an hour.
I have plans to walk in a parade tomorrow but I'm cancelling that as I have had all I can utterly take of humans right now and need a human contact free Sunday before I return to work on Monday and that really ticks me off as I really wanted to walk in this parade. But I know right now that if one person pushes me I'm going to come undone and not be able to reign myself back in as there will always be those few jerks who just have to yell obscenities at people they don't agree with. Damn this weekend has sucked as all this bad crap all suddenly happened back to back when things have been going VERY good for me. I got a big raise at work, I don't have issues with being out as trans at work and most of the people are actually nice and accepting but I still do put up with the "I try my best to deny your existence" people but they at least know not to discriminate or harass me as they will be fired. In public I very very rarely have issues as I pass really well at this point and my voice is good enough that I am seen as any other tall 5'11" amazon woman out there in the world.
