Overcoming social phobia

[Cindy]

I have to admit that this is not something I suffer from but it is very common in the trans*community. Indeed it is an issue that therapists are very concerned about when hormonally reassigning people.

It is at the core of RLE and sadly, I think not dealt with well by either therapists or the community.

I'd like to open a discussion on this.

Do you suffer from social phobia? Does it concern you? How do we help people overcome it?

[Jill F]

Let's face it- I had never felt quite right in my skin until recently, so socializing was always an orchestrated act for me. 

My first time out as Jill didn't help at all because I was nervous as all hell and got clocked more or less right away, then some d-bag thought it would be awesome to point, stare and laugh.  Part of me wanted to run and hide forever, but the good thing is that I had another part of me that was growing stronger every day. (Yay, estrogen!)

When I realized that it was my choice whether crap like that mattered to me vs. being true to myself, I decided that I was going to win, not the random idiots out there.  I went full time three weeks later just to show myself that a full transition was doable.  When I stopped caring about what anyone thought of me, I won.

I am more comfortable in social situations (and my own skin) than ever before now.  I was never even outgoing until recently. Can you believe I used to be shy?  Me neither.

[LivingTheDream]

I looked up what that term meant exactly and yep, definitely got it.

Fear of being judged: check
Of being embarrassed: check
Self conscious: check
Be very anxious about being with other people and have a hard time talking to them, even though they wish they could: check
Worry for days or weeks before an event where other people will be: um sometimes, depends
Have a hard time making friends and keeping friends: check
afraid of doing common things in front of other people: lol yep

I will give some examples on how it affects me as well.

Fear of being judged: In school, I will never volunteer to answer questions or make a comment in class. Afraid to be wrong, embarrassed. Affects grades due to not participating...Things like smoking and crossdressing back in the day cause/d me shame, cause me to hide them from others, withdraw. Knew crossdressing wasn't normal, people would probably think is weird, bad, so did it private, hid part of myself from myself and from others, prolly why I still trying to figure things out this late in life. Smoking- wont do it in front of or near others. Caused me to avoid doing a lot of things because I knew wouldn't be able to have one for a long time. People know, can't really hide that, but knowing and seeing two different things. It's a bad dirty habit, people would judge me, and it's stinky and unhealthy to others so avoid for that as well.

I am self conscious, prolly mostly about my appearance. I hear or see people talking, whispering, giggling, sometimes I just think the worst, that they are talking bout me or making fun of me.

Making/keeping friends, talking with other people: This mostly applies to peers, people around my age. I have always had problems making friends and talking with people in my age range. Never had much luck or skill making friends in my grade. I still can't really do that even now in school. I'd never be able to go up to someone and start a conversation. So basically, I am mostly a loner. Sometimes I don't mind it but there are many times when I wish I felt like I had a choice in the matter as well. With older people, it is not so bad for me, am more at ease.

Afraid of doing things in front of others: mentioned smoking earlier, will skip that. Another big one for me is making new appointments somewhere new (or just doing something new) and the first appointment itself. An example I can give is when I started laser treatments. I knew I wanted to do it, hate body hair, but was so worried about calling them and setting up the appointment, I couldn't do it. I decided to do so in person, so I drove there (it was only a mile away or so but still!). I got there, parked in the parking lot, and thought, omg I must be crazy, I can't do this, no way in hell am I walking in there, asking for an appointment, in front of all these people! I sat in the parking lot for 20, 30 minutes, maybe an hour even, trying to get the nerve to do so but couldn't. So what did I do then? I called em on the phone LOL!  But this kind of thing happens all the time to me. Even last week, when I was gonna go shopping at a CD store, a place I had been to before even, I still had to drive around the place a few times until I caught a break in traffic (nobody really close to me on the road when I was gonna pull in), and I still sat in the car for about 20-30 min before I go muster the courage to do in. But ya, basically, doing anything new is really difficult for me, it takes a lot of time and work and all to do it.

It definitely concerns and bothers me, always being worried about stuff like this.

Some things that helped me: work helped me a tiny bit. Just being around other people helped, I sort of have to talk a bit to people there lol. I am definitely better now with people than I was before I started working. Wanting to do something instead of just needing to do something makes it easier for me as well. Like, if I didn't REALLY want my facial hair gone, I would never have been able to do that. So, trying to show/convince someone that this is something that they want to do instead of need to do can provide some motivation I think. I do think therapy helps as well in some ways. Being able to talk about some of these things beforehand with them made it easier, gave me practice, on how to do it with others. I think giving people encouragement, trying to find ways to make them comfortable with things, helps a lot too. I think though, that really, you just have to do it yourself though, to be able to get past some of these things, these fears. That's the hardest part though, but once they do it, live through it, and HOPEFULLY, nothing bad happens as a result, then it becomes easy, safe, more comfortable.

(ohhh 300th post!)

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

I have social phobia. Its not present in every situation but pretty much always in daylight. Daylight is hardest. I haven't been read that I know of for about a year, but I still have it. I am at the stage where I walk around worrying that people will read me, judge me, make comments, maybe even attack me. People say to me to just tell myself 'what do I care what other people think' but I do. I am not a sociopath, I care about other people and their thoughts. I don't want for people to think I am a danger to their children, or to swing a punch a me or even just think that I am messed up crazy. I have tried telling myself screw what everyone thinks and I just don't want to and can't decide not care about others. I wouldn't like *me* if I were that person.

I have tried to do several things to solve it, such as take on a service job. I have quite a well paid and well respected job, and not much time, but I decided to start waitressing to bring myself into contact with the public more. I found that the place I waitress has become a safe place in my mind and I am still scared of 'the public' and being in public. I could possibly associate this with an assault that happened early in my transition, but I am not exactly sure how much that has to do with it, especially as the assault happened at night in a club and I would still feel relatively OK in a club, it's being on the street in the day that's the worst followed by on the street at night.

I should probably add, that, during my entire trans care, nobody has offered me any guidance, counselling or anything to do with this or any other mental health issues. It has not even been mentioned. I have tried to access some via my GP and I have been told that the  service that they provide 'does not have any specialisation in trans issues so if I want to talk about anything related to transition or transsexuality, they will refuse to discuss it with me'. I feel it may be indirect discrimination under UK law, but they do not.

[Ms Grace]

Up until I was in my mid to late twenties I had this in spades. My first year at uni was bad, my second year close to a disaster and I was seeing a useless shrink who had me doped to the eyeballs on antidepressants without anything being done to help me. Anyway, I did overcome it eventually, a lot of it had to do with shyness and becoming more confident.

[V M]

Would social anxiety fall into that category? If so, then it is something I've been dealing/coping with since childhood

[LordKAT]

I don't think I fear people so much as hate being around  them. I don't much care what they think about me, I just don't care to hear it interfere with my own thoughts. They can be and do anything they want, long as they don't interfere in my life.

Sadly, most choose to interfere.

[stephaniec]

all of the above

[FTMax]

For me it's not so much the social interactions and everything that comes with those, but just being around groups of people that makes me very anxious. It doesn't matter who the people are - they could be friends, family, or strangers and I'd still feel very anxious. It hasn't had too much of an affect on my social life. I've always preferred seeing people one on one or in small groups. The only time it's been an issue is if I need to go somewhere for work (conferences, presenting to clients, etc.).

I honestly don't see it as an issue, though other people have told me that I should work on it. I just figure that these situations are temporary and I can generally choose whether or not I want to stay in them. My only real hangup is work things, where it's expected of me to go places and be around a lot of people at once. My mind can justify that I'm being paid to be there, but it doesn't make me any less nervous.

[Taka]

i'm not afraid of people, though i often feel uncomfortable around them.
the ladies at work are particularly bad, they keep telling me to eat lunch with them and chit chat about all kinds of things that i'm just not interested in.

when i was in grade school, the other kids used to bully me in that rather invisible way where i just never was included.
felt a lot of envy when i couldn't make myself do what i wanted, talk to other people without fear of being ignored or rejected.
but that changed when i got into a different school.

i still get some feelings of loneliness when lots of people are gathered, and everybody talks to each other, about things that don't interest me in the slightest.
but that's not really their fault, and what am i even doing in places where i'm not even interested in being...

it's not related to social phobia though.
i wear my blue hair as if it were the most common hair color ever.
i wear whatever i wear. it's just clothes.

in high school, i learned that just doing whatever th i want, is much more fun than not doing it.
and it's even more fun when others envy me the lack of fear and wish they could do the same as me.
they can, everybody can. it's not difficult at all. just takes getting over that fear of being different.

i've no idea what rle for non-binary would be.
but it can't be much different from just being me.
i'm me at all times, except when i'm kind of forced to be woman for some reason or other.

did you know that people with blue hair are generally respected btw?
as soon as they get over my hair color (only takes the moment that it takes to realize i like it myself), they just see me for the rest of me.
people have started asking me if i'm a teacher.
i'm just carrying too much useless knowledge. like all the articles i've read on pedagogy, simply because i'm interested.

but social phobia...
i did have some anxiety.
i got over it by accumulating good experiences.
it's more easily done with a good friend's support.

[Mariah]

I'm fairly thick skinned, but my problem at first was my shyness. I had spent years using it as a defense to protect myself and when starting out it was hinderance that had to be over come. It even made my first go around on this site difficult, as a result I came back after I had more confidence.
Mariah

[suzifrommd]

I'm very nervous in social situations.

I do NOT consider it a "phobia".

A phobia is an irrational fear.

My nervousness is based on the very real perception that I don't have the social ease and comfort that most people have. I have observed that other people have an easier time connecting than I do. That's not irrational, it's based on what I see and experience.

I'm very dubious about the modern claim that all shy people need is a little confidence and their problem goes away.

There are people who simply have a much harder time than others making social connections. Confidence is only a small part of the issue.

[big kim]

I have it but only go to places &  events I'm comfortable with.

[Julia-Madrid]

I wouldn't say I have social phobia per se, and am certainly not not scared of interaction with people.

But I do have a distinct dislike for crowds, especially noisy ones, where I am expected to mingle - conferences for example, where there is a pressure to network and flit about. 

Maybe a part of it relates to how I saw myself before I became myself,  but I think part of it is just a normal personality issue - a dislike for the superficial chitchat and posturing that goes on at such things.

[EmmaD]

I am useless in crowds. I also think I am a bit deaf so when noise levels increase, I seem to go a bit numb and just want to get away.  I hate the networking thing but can survive it.

Where I have more trouble is the ability to engage with people enough to actually make a friend.  I think I may have last made a real friend about 30 years ago. My wife and children all comment that I have no friends.  I know lots of people and interact with people I have worked with in the past but nothing further ever comes of it .  I think I pull back out of habit.  So it seems I am a bit lacking in personal interactions too.

Given where I am in my transition (2 weeks to full time), probably not the time to try to fix these things!!!

The result of my social challenges from a transitioning perspective is that I am doing this alone (immediate family are supportive but much of this is between the ears and I have tried to not load them up too much).  Stress levels are very high right now, I feel so alone, frankly terrified and so very very tired.

in recent months I have started some new things which may start to help.  All is not lost!

[Contravene]

I wouldn't say I have a full blown phobia but I do experience social anxiety. I never know when the anxiety will hit; sometimes I'm fine with talking to people, other times I feel like I may have a breakdown if I even have to say a single sentence to a person. Sometimes it's so bad that I'm not even able to do things like write or respond to emails and there are actually a few threads here that I've never replied to because I was too anxious to. It might sound ridiculous but that's how bad it can get.

I think the best thing to do is to respect the person's silence, don't force them to interact or carry on a conversation if they seem uncomfortable. Eventually, at least in my case, I'll gradually warm up to being more social, it just takes me some time. A lot of times people think I'm being cold or rude but I'm really not, I'm usually just sitting there with all kinds of things on my mind that I could talk to you about but I'm too anxious to start the conversation.

If you do invite the person to interact expect that they may turn you down and leave them a way out of the conversation so things don't become awkward and make their anxiety worse, if that makes sense. Social interactions can be really difficult for me sometimes because I don't know how or when to switch the topics that are being talked about and I don't always know how or when to jump into or let myself out of conversations. It's because I'm too focused on my discomfort or my mind is preparing all the negative reactions I may receive from people if I do start to interact with them (which never happens anyway but that's how anxiety works).

With all that being said, the best thing to do is not shut the quiet or anxious person out completely. This happens to me often and it makes my anxiety worse because then I'm sort of trapped in my own self-created little bubble of exclusion. That may seem to counter the advice I gave about respecting a person's silence but there's a huge difference between trying to include someone and pressuring them to be included. It's good to gently invite the person into conversation but you may have to gauge their reaction. If they're having an off day like I often do, don't take their silence for rudeness and don't pressure them.

Hopefully those tips make sense and can help a little. This is something I deal with a lot and I wish I could explain it to people at places like work so they can understand why I act the way I do sometimes.

I also wanted to add: The therapist I was working with told me that practice makes perfect so the more I interact and talk with people, the more comfortable I'll become with being social. The anxiety is also like a mental game you have to constantly play. Right now I'm taking medication which has helped a lot but it also helps to try to understand where your social anxiety is coming from and what thoughts may be triggering it. For me it comes from how my parents always ridiculed the way I spoke in public as a child and young adult. Understanding what made me afraid to be social in the first place is helping me overcome that fear a little at a time.

[Rachel]

I have social anxiety and I actively work to address it.

[Seras]

Yea, I have always had a lot of anxiety about all of that stuff. It was especially hard for me at school and university when I first went., whenever there was somewhere new with people I do not know.

However I have always been aware of it and tried to get the better of it and generally I am able to. Little things like just forcing myself to do stuff that makes me anxious or self conscious or embarrassed in front of people helps me get over that hurdle. While keeping up with current events and whatnot so you know you have talking points with people whom you do not know well enough for conversations to just flow, or silence to be OK, really helped me get to know new people. Of course if that does not work out a good excuse as to why you have to leave is always useful, sucks if you feel trapped. However it is something you have to keep working on, for me even with people I have known for a long time it can rear its head.

I would describe it as a phobia, since normally, what happens in social situations is not even half as bad as how you imagine it will be. I find that if you put up a good facade of social confidence for long enough, in the end it works out.

[Erica_Y]

I think it is part of being human in general, some people are more natural than others while some crave such situations and others not so much. Like most things getting out there in safe situations first and then more challenging ones as people progress to build confidence would help. Most CIS people have social judgement fears so it makes sense that we do as well and being in a extra vulnerable position makes it more significant and impactful which makes it easier to build walls instead of breaking them down.

[Sandy74]

When I think about dressing in public and going out as a woman I think I have social phobia more than anything but when I am a guy and what not I don't think I have social phobia at all and wish that I could carry that over into when I am wanting to be a woman and so on. I mean I should be like whocares and if I am dressed up its not like people will know who I am anyway if I do go out and public and if I get heckled and so forth, whocares and I should be proud of who I am. Yet saying and doing that is the hardest part for me. Worrying what total strangers think in public should not be an issue but I make it one. I just gotta get over that and then I will be fine.