Hello all I've decided to tell my story so that hopefully it can help some people out. Be forewarned though it is not a happy story at all, and it is a long one, but I've decided to do it to let people see that sometimes their problems aren't as bad as others around them. In coming to this realization I had an epiphany which is made me a lot happier. Did I have a rough life. Yes, some things have happened to me that haven't been pleasant, but I have survived and I'm thriving.
So here goes, ever since I can remember as far back as 4 maybe 5 years old. I always felt different from the other boys. Some thing just didn't feel right to me. I like to play with the girls. I like playing girls games I like playing with girls toys. I liked what the girls were wearing. Around this time my mother got divorced and eventually remarried. The person she married would adopt me and my siblings, one brother and a sister at the time. He never liked my feminine ways and being an emotional kid. He picked on me all the time to get me crying. When I was about eight years old. I made my mind up that I wasn't going to let him get to me anymore, and after a couple of days of picking on me without me crying. One night at the dinner table. He decided to put a steak knife through the back of my hand. Now of course I started screaming and crying at which point he punched me right out of the chair and said obviously are not a boy because only girls cry and for the next three months, I was sent to school either wearing a dress or skirt, where I was picked on bullied and beat up almost on a daily basis. Dearing, this time, Easter came around where I was dressed in an Easter dress the white tights black patent leather shoes, Easter bonnet, the whole 9 yards. Now of course I really didn't mind wearing this stuff, but I was sent to church, where again, I was picked on and bullied and beat up and afterwards we went to my grandparents house were to my uncles proceeded to rape me. This whole cycle when on for another 12 years before I got out of the house.
After years of this, I learned to suppress my feelings. I tried to do everything as manly as I could. I got into sports. I played semi professional baseball and was even invited to a tryout for the Chicago Cubs, I became a plastic injection mold maker and wound up getting married this whole time, Nothing ever felt quite right. There were three attempts to sever my penis. It never happened because it hurt way too much. I wound up having two beautiful boys who I love dearly and cherish. Eventually I hurt myself at work and ended up of having a total of 23 surgeries on my spine. Thus far, I'm hoping that I don't have any more. Depression set in and I made my first attempt on my life by swallowing 15 sleeping pills. Obviously, this didn't work because I'm still here. I got divorced, became addicted to pain medication and eventually wound up on morphine. My tolerance built up for the pain medication, so they kept prescribing me more and more and more. Eventually I was prescribed intravenous morphine that I can inject myself. A couple months after that I made my second attempt on my life. I tried to inject a ton of morphine into my system. Apparently I didn't get everything in but I was found three days later on the floor with the needle still in my arm. I had pressure ulcers over my body from laying on the floor for three days. My kidneys had shut down. I had blood clot in my left arm in my left leg and I was in a diabetic coma. Up to this point I had been in therapy for almost 20 years.
After waking up in the hospital and realizing what happened. I thought to myself, I must be here for a reason, and after almost 2 and a half years of physical therapy to get myself so I can function because when I woke up in the hospital. I could not move. I wound up changing my therapist to a gender therapist and started down the path that I'm on now.
I'm no longer living by anybody else's expectations, but my own. I no longer care what anybody else says or thinks of me and this has been a very liberating experience. I hope everybody can see that as dark as things seem eventually things do start to get better. It's been a long road. It's been a hard fight, but a fight worth taking on, would I change anything in my life. Probably not, because I would not be the person that I am today and that's somebody that is open, honest, caring, loving, and a good friend. I consider everybody here at Susan's place, friends, if there is anything I can do to help anybody. I will do my best to help. I wish everybody a safe path on their journey, and I truly mean it when I say may the Angels always be looking upon you and help guide you on your path.
Hugs,
Melissa Ann
