Once upon a time
A small child was happy
Free to wear whatever they liked
Skirts, shorts, even superhero costumes
Due to a birth intersex condition, I thought I was a boy,
I thought I could pee standing up like my daddy
When it failed, I ran to my room and cried
I knew one day, puberty would fix my body
A kitty tail made me feel most content
Until school bullies teased and mocked
Until teachers and parents took it away
And told me to "grow up"
Living without my tail made me feel naked
As time went on, the tail became forgotten
My hair grew long and I played with both
Boys and girls. Soon, the boys didn't want to play.
Sitting in group with girls who enjoyed horse-riding.
I tried but my condition made riding uncomfortable.
The time came to move schools.
I had to repeat another year of school,
I was a year older than everyone else.
Poke'mon became my obsession
So much that my brain forgot my time tables
in exchange to remember all 150 little monsters
All the girls wanted to talk about make-up and boys,
While I was happy to play Pokemon by myself in the corner
The fantasy world of training my companions were most fun
More fun than doing things I am not interested in
Puberty came and to my horror, I was not a boy.
I was a girl, sex and pregnancy were introduced.
Horror intensified, I did not want to be a girl!
I did not want to have sex or have kids, no!
Depression began, dysphoria blossomed.
A darkness stirred within my body,
slowly eating away at my soul, my mind, my sanity.
Years and months passed, soul-searching and research began
I no longer wanted this female body. I wanted it gone.
I saw my doctor, he said hysterectomy would not be
performed on me unless I have cancer.
Same for removal of breasts.
Breast reduction wasn't allowed either
because I had no medical reason to.
Feeling hopeless and seeing no future for myself,
On my 18th birthday, I wanted to end my life.
But my savior, the Poke'mon 10th Anniversary
was held at my local shopping centre.
Death could wait a day longer, I thought.
Depression lingered and so I began researching again,
I found FTM surgeries, want to have your breasts and uterus removed?
Sure, present yourself as a man and we will give it to you.
I scoffed... a woman can't have the decision to remove her body parts
but lo' behold, a woman identifying as a man is given those options without question.
What a ->-bleeped-<-ed up world we live in...
I began identifying as a man. I convinced myself I was one,
Little did I know, my intersex condition contributed to this identity,
I had repressed those memories so I did not realize until much later.
On testosterone for four years,
Facial hair and deep voice upset me.
Lots of shaving and voice therapy is needed
to settle the growing dysphoria...
I realize I wanted to have my child body back,
A body with neither secondary sexual characteristics.
A flat chest, smooth skin, small genitals and a pre-pubescent voice.
I wish to look young forever, I want to look natural as I can.
None of that frozen plastic look please, it horrifies me.
I embraced my feminine nature, I wish to present as female,
My body is undoubtedly male, a young child-like body of a boy.
My soul is genderless... always has, always will be.
A crossdresser or a trap, which must I be?
It took living as a repressed girl and a happy boy to realize this.
Sugar, spice and everything nice,
A sprinkle of darkness and a small penis,
Are what little traps are made of~
Note: I feel awful for saying we live in a ->-bleeped-<-ed up world but... think about it, in my instance, a woman had her decisions made for her about her own body. This is a double standard that exists in our society (although, it may have changed since 2008) and it is wrong. Identifying as a man gave me access to the surgeries that were once denied to me as a woman. If I had the choice to remove my breasts and uterus without having to transition, I would have done so. I began transitioning to male in 2008, the SOC was not modified to include non-binary folks until 2011. I did not realize the existence of non-binary folks or the updated version of the SOC until early 2014, when I began questioning my male identity.
