Hi

[Shantel]

Inability to forgive holds you in the grip of a strong emotional and very negative bondage. I have learned that it releases me to forgive, but then I don't have to be a sap and forget and allow something bad to happen again either. Best to forgive but not forget, there's a big difference.

I once did a favor for someone that cost me a lot of money and they swore to repay me but never did. I carried this smoldering hatred inside me for this person and thought of all the horrible things I could do to get even. Finally I just gave it up and released this person to a higher power than myself. Not long afterward he drove off a mountain cliff in a whiteout snow storm  and was severely injured. I couldn't have done it better myself I thought as I felt a little twinge that this had befallen him, no doubt because of the negative Karma he had sown in his own life. Having forgiven him earlier released me from any sense of attached guilt or sadness over what had happened. His hospital bills far outweighed what he had owed me.

[Taka]

i've also lost a whole bit of money to someone, but i decided to follow the great advice that the bible, or jesus, gives.
i can forgive someone for having so little control over their own life that they can't ever get their finances right enough to pay me back.
took me a while, but i don't feel like i need to be angry about it. helping people is a form of charity, so i just gave a little more than i'd usually do.
it's a good feeling to not have this smoldering anger inside me whenever i think about a neighbor.

but then there are those who have done things so horrible that i seriously don't know where to find forgiveness within myself.
every time i'm reminded of them, and what they have done to people i love, this burning need to hold a black mass with them as the sacrifice, is awoken inside me.
it becomes a distraction. a weakness.
but i can't forgive.
it's a whole lot easier to fogive what someone has done to me.
but they hurt my loved ones too, people i wanted to protect.
they've touched something that did not belong to them.
that's more than enough reason for me to kill horribly.
i can barely find any strength to not do just that.

i admire those who have suffered greatly, but still find it within them to forgive.
forgiving is not the same as forgetting, or saying that it was your own fault or that the other person did nothing wrong.
forgiving is allowing love to be your driving force.
if only i could wish from the depth of my heart that those who harmed my loved ones would one day regret their sins and take their punishment for it.

but all i can manage to do, is long to see them burn in hell.
that is a hellish fire which burns me as well.

the ability to forgive is a strength. it's a source of life.

[Dread_Faery]

I don't forgive people, not really, but then dragons are not known for their forgiving nature. Breaking my trust is not really something I recover from, I don't always bare a grudge, but I rarely forgive and I do not forget. I don't really dwell on the past though, if someone hurts me I will just walk away from them, even my own family if needs be. I warp the world around me anyway, so usually end up crossing paths with those that I need in my life (even if they're not what I want at that point in time). I don't really plan for the future either, and rarely make promises, because I know I can't guarantee that I'll keep them.

I think that we're strong because we survive, and it's strength like the willow is strong, we bend in the gales that howl around us, unlike the oak, who will remain upright until the wind fells it.

[Taka]

would you like to try being a very typical scorpio?
i'm not a dragon, but one of the elven people around here.
that doesn't make me very nice, even if i look "good" on the outside.

is it a strength to not kill when i really really want to?
i'm not too sure about that.

[Dread_Faery]

Honestly I don't know, i just know that we survive, and that takes something, maybe not strength in the Grrrrrr! manly! Way it's become gendered, but rather deep roots that are not touched by the frost.

[Satinjoy]

Forgiveness is in my heart to do, but healing is not so easy, and the words here are heartbreaking. Makes me feel like I drew the easy card, the cakewalk life, and here I am bitching about being emotional.

I feel like a fool, and wish at least the family of this forum brings some kind of solace to us.

God, the horror stories we have heard this year.   

Humbling to the max.

[Taka]

i don't see being ts/gq as "drawing the easy card".
we all have something we struggle with, and we find different kinds of things difficult.
there's a japanese graphic novel which illustrates our differences really well, "pietà" by haruno nanae. i think you can only find it in english online.
it's a story about two women, one who got too little love and suffered because of that, and another who was smothered by her parents' love.
our needs are so different, that it's impossible to say that the same solution is right for all.

some have been sent to a boarding school when they were young.
i moved to another town when i was 15, for high school, and still wish my parents would have just let me be instead of calling me almost every day.
their concern and worries and everything only made me feel like a caged and wing clipped bird, even after moving out.
they missed me, while i never found it in me to do more than resent them for never giving me the freedom i needed.
i was treated under this odd double standard that parents often have for their kids.
i was supposed to grow up pure and clean, never having known a man, never even having desired one. i was never allowed to have fun with friends, particularly not on weekends. rules that my mother made because she grew up with parents who never restricted her actions, and of course she made all the mistakes a young woman can make.

but i wasn't even a real girl.
unfair world, huh...

[Dread_Faery]

Weirdly I dreamt about school last night, and I was leaving it, as me.

[Taka]

reminds me.. not too long ago, i dreamt that i showed someone around the grade school i went to.
seems that place has been very important to me, maybe because it's the only place where i could (fail to) socialize, many dreams have been placed there that have been of defining nature.
it was a good dream. i can't remember who it was that i brought there, but it was someone i care for.

[Dread_Faery]

I spent years not dreaming, or more accurately dreaming of darkness, with the occasional recurring dream thrown in for good measure. It was kind of weird having dreams again once I'd transitioned.