Hi

[Dread_Faery]

Trigger warning, imma talk about mental health stuff fairly graphically, please don't read if you get triggered.















So as y'all probably figured out, I deal with my darkness most days. Fortunately the gender stuff is pretty much dialled, tho of course I've internalised a lot of cissexist, trans-antagonistic BS over the years and Hest (who is the nasty part of my brain) likes to use that to remind me what a failure I am. Fortunately I am skilled in their machinations and know that it's them doing the talking rather than it being things I actually believe.

The last few months have been tough, tough enough that I'm trying to go back to the psych and get more help, I've previously been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder. A fantastic combo of low mood and apathy, and the emotional stability of a three year old after she's eaten all the E numbers and sugar. I now believe that my mood is cyclic, certainly there is a history of bi-polar in my family and I'm trying to get help for that. Fingers crossed though I haven't had the most amount of luck with mental health services round where I live.

I'm sorry if I worry you guys, I find it really hard to talk about this, there's a lot of stigma and discrimination attached to being neuro-atypical, and despite knowing that and actively trying to change that culture, I have of course internalised a lot of it, which Hest ->-bleeped-<-ing loves.

Despite all this, or maybe because of it, I am fairly positive. I live in the now... Well sometimes I just exist, those times aren't great, but when I get to live I generally have fun doing it. I have carried this darkness for a long long time, I've self harmed since I was very little, I try not to but the voice never really goes away. It'll probably kill me, and I'm okay with that, because it hasn't happened yet. It's probably morbid to focus on it, but it gives me a bit of peace. If the world goes down the route I suspect it will, but really hope it doesn't, I go willingly into whatever awaits me, far better than the alternative. If you've ever seen V for Vendetta, I am the woman who leaves the note that Evie reads (that's the future I fear, and if it does come to that I won't give them the satisfaction of breaking me).

This is what I mean about being powered by darkness, I'm an activist and anarchist precisely because I don't want the world to end up there.

So I'm sorry if I worry people from time to time, I am volatile but some how keep on surfing the catastrophe curve. It's probably why I like skateboarding so much.

[Jessica Merriman]

I am glad you are finding the help you need. It takes a lot to tell others about our flaws which shows you are stronger than you think. You vent anytime you need to and hopefully something someone replies with helps a little. Please keep us updated! 

[Taka]

i'll love you even bipolar, my dear friend.
you're colorful and i like the deep, darker colors too.

but hest, seriously. don't you dare harm my friend.
teasing the faery is ok, but don't take it too far.
i have no friends that i can afford to lose.

[Dread_Faery]

i'll love you even bipolar, my dear friend.
you're colorful and i like the deep, darker colors too.

but hest, seriously. don't you dare harm my friend.
teasing the faery is ok, but don't take it too far.
i have no friends that i can afford to lose.

I am happy to be your friend
Knowing Hest is there, is half the battle. It's when I think that they're me that things get messy.

Jessica, I will keep you all informed and hopefully get somewhere with this round of help.

[Mark3]

Thanks so much for sharing what must be so difficult.

It's the knowing these things about each other that brings us closer, and helps so much in understanding and relating to one another here.. If we don't know a person, it's easy for our minds to assume things(i've been guilty of that with people) and thus say the wrong things for the wrong reasons. It's only when we know anothers secrets that we can most our words, and intent when interacting with them, and be the best friend and supporter we can be..

I understand you much better now.! You're a very special person.. 

[Satinjoy]

Df

You know I have your back.  You make a difference here, know this, passion and truth are huge with me.

And I don't care about disorders, my friends have them, two of my kids... so what.  It means I am needed, and can do something special when opportunities knock.

So dear Dragon, be the warrior for the good of all trans you were born to be.

Nails out, hair down, heart wide open, living free.  Like you do.

Blessings

Satinjoy

[MelissaAnn]

Hello Dread_Faery
Thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate how difficult it is to open up about how you're feeling. I kind of like the idea of having a friend that's bipolar and the darkness that you live in only because it adds so much more color to my life and it would be a pleasure to call you a friend. I wish you the happiness and joy that you deserve. And maybe angels always look upon you and help guide you on your path.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

[Taka]

I am happy to be your friend
Knowing Hest is there, is half the battle. It's when I think that they're me that things get messy.

hest is a self destructive entity?

i've been unlucky with my name. my parents really didn't think about how stupid it can be to name a child not only after the eagle, but also hildr.
that valkyrie who just loves her warriors so much that she'd revive them over and over again, even if that means they'll have to fight their deadly battle until the end of the world. hating and loving battle at the same time.

falling into darkness wouldn't be very difficult. all i'd have to do is turn off my empathy. or redefine love a little.

the power is destructive enough that i can easily turn it on myself. i'm lucky to have enough self doubt to not have fallen for it completely.
was a long and hard fight out of anxiety and depression, but i think i'm good enough now that it will take a whole lot to make it clinical again.
never got a diagnose, but... i'm sure i could have easily gotten that if only i were a little bit honest about it.

[Dread_Faery]

Hest is very self destructive, they criticise everything, looking for a way in. They can even use my empathy against me, especially when I didn't understand how the borderline affected me, that happens less now that I own my imperfections.

I'm a dragon, a creature of chaos, and understanding my nature helps me. All I miss are my wings and the flying, but skating down hills at 40mph helps

[Taka]

i always wanted to be a fighter pilot... never grew tall enough to become one in norway, and later i discovered they'd never have considered me anyway because of some stupid allergy. no serious military in the world would ever want me, if i ever got hurt the treatment would be more likely to kill me than the damage itself.

but... who needs machines to fly. wings of love are enough for me.
and if they ever stop working, i'll still be a common scorpio.
passionate or cold, there's no real middle ground with me. ever.
balancing passion into love rather than hate is difficult. going cold would be a bad solution, lack of feelings won't make anyone a better person.
i'll just have to hope that living on a knife edge can strengthen the feeling of being alive even more than it strengthens fear.

[Dread_Faery]

The trick is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. After a while you forget you're falling and you can just relax.

I'd like to fly, either gliders or learn to wing suit fly. Both are out of my reach at the moment though, but I dream.

[Taka]

a cousin of mine uses to hang glide.
at somewhere near 60.
his new wife prefers to stay at home when he does that, pretending he's doing something much safer.

i should try that stuff. looks like fun.
skateboarding is kind of impossible to do regularly where i live, i'm pretty much guaranteed to be hit by a car if i try more than a few times.

[Shantel]

We all seem to balance a basket of crap of one kind or another on our heads, I'm here for you too Dread_Faery, you know I care about you and everyone else here as well. I'm not an anarchist per se but I see the same clouds on the horizon and fully intend to stand and deal with it, we can all hold hands and stand fast together. PM's are always acceptable if you get in a rut sweetie! xox ~Shan~

[Dread_Faery]

Thanks auntie Shan 

[Shantel]

Thanks auntie Shan 

I'm here for you doll baby, we can work through it together!

[Dread_Faery]

I actually read something today, which is the first thing I've read in months.

[Taka]

reminds me i have to buy a couple light novels so i can read some series that i'd intended to finish a while ago.
a tiny bit of ocd prevents me from reading the 3rd volume before the 2nd, even when they could probably be enjoyed separately.

[Sammy]

Heya! Nice to know Your dark side, Faery. We all have that one, but most of us tend to hyde that one. Being honest and showing Your vulnerability sometimes works as stress relief - if You want to share more, You know we are all listening here .

[Edge]

(The following is to show you are not alone.)
I'm borderline with ptsd symptoms. It's a difficult thing to live with isn't it? Have you done any schema and/or DBT therapy?
I also have something like Hest. I named her April. (I see her as female for some reason that is probably related to dysphoria.) She's the part of me that hated me, called me everything others had called me and believed it or, at least, she thought she did. What I realized was that she was just hurting and lashing out at me. So I wrote her a letter telling her I understood why she was doing it, but that she needed to stop and that we would work together so both of us would be stronger. I haven't had any problems with her since.
Of course, that just worked for me and you may be different.
I also did that for and during a self esteem course that was also a tremendous help. Unlike most self esteem suggestions which really just give tips that don't usually help on their own, we actually got into detail about who we actually are. It's a lot easier to have healthy self esteem when one knows what they have to be esteemed about.

In any case, what I mean to say is you're not alone, you have support in many people here (myself included), and I wish you the best.

The trick is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy reference. Nice!

[Dread_Faery]

I have tried to get help through local psych services, but haven't had much in the way of luck, they only seem to want to intervene if you're an acute danger to yourself and others. I've tried online CBT, but I do the classic thing of not wanting to think about things when I'm up, and being too mired in shadows to want to do anything when I'm low. Skateboarding helps a lot though, it centres me in the moment and stops me thinking about the bad stuff because skateboarding is something you do, rather than think about.

I've known since I was little what my name would have been if I'd been born female, and I think Arwen and I have made our peace with each other... Like we both wanted to be mothers, being a parent wouldn't have been enough, it's being a mother that is what mattered to us, I deal with it by acknowledging my kinship with other women who can't be mothers. It still hurts but it centres me as female. Hest is something different though, they're the part that whispers things, especially when people don't talk to me, unresolved conflict is incredibly stressful for me, in fact it's a massive trigger. I've learnt survival mechanisms, I am quite blunt, not through any lack of deviousness, but just because it stops me being triggered. I might try writing Hest a letter, though I don't know if they'll listen. I have a letter I wrote for my parents but never sent them, that helped me understand why I act in ways I do. Like I understand the root of my BPD, when I was twelve I was packed off to boarding school, I didn't really feel I had a choice and it was hell. I endured close to seven years of psychological abuse just at the point where I became aware that I wasn't who I should have been. I attempted suicide twice, self harmed and was severely anorexic by the time I left and I blamed my parents because to my twelve year old mind they'd abandoned me. A lot of my childhood is blank, every once in a while I'll get a flash back, usually centred on the bad stuff. I don't think I've ever really talked about it with anyone, I'm in tears just writing this.

Sorry this ended up being way more painful than I thought it would be