Who is harder on us.......

[MelissaAnn]

Okay, here's the story. Just recently I've started wearing mascara and eyeliner, mascaras pretty easy to apply, but I do have some trouble with the eyeliner, so I never seem to be happy with the way my eyes look. I carried on today about this with my therapist. She told me I was being silly because it looked really good. In fact, she told me. I do a better job at it than she can. Even though she's been doing it all her life, which got me to thinking. Are we harder on ourselves as we try to present our self's as more feminine?Do you think we're doing a better job of presenting ourselves than we think we are? Not to mention any names, but I have been reading through a bunch of threads and it really did strike me that we seem to be pretty hard on ourselves. Do you think, as a community we should take a step back and relax or should we keep pushing ourselves so hard? Just some food for thought. I'm interested in hearing what the rest of you girls think.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

[Pikachu]

I definitely think we're harder on ourselves. It's a difficult mentality to get out of when you've spent so long hating your appearance and feeling lesser than all the girls around you. It can make beautiful girls think they're ugly. I've seen it far too many times. I'm pretty bad about it, myself, but I'm getting better. I no longer think I'm the most hideous thing in existence, anyway. So that's progress.

[DanielleA]

I agree with Pikacku! I hear it all the time with my girl friends picking on their image all the time even though they look amazing. Isn't there a saying like " we are our worst critic" . I know I am too. I know I pass really well but I can't help but pick on even the most minute faults I might see when getting dressed in the morning.

[gabimoneratt]

I think that, above anything, since female things are usually not part of our lives pre-transition, we always feel behind cis women on those things... But many cis girls also have a pretty hard time with eyeliner haha sometimes we just need to look around to realize that the things we get hung up on are far more common than we think... But it's  easy to look at perfection or the best of the best and judge yourself based on that. Even that perfect person has imperfect stuff... Like the feet topic, for example... A girl posted a link to a website that shows so many beautiful famous women with feet that are bigger than what we have. It's important to take a step back, understand limitations and do our best to be as good as we can be, not the best in the world. Expecting way too much out of ourselves is a great recipe for failure, and instead of making us move forward just makes us panic and paralyze. Definitely not good. 

[BlonT]

The one in the mirror is the hardest on us !Its never good, always comment.

[Hikari]

I swear what I see, and what other people see isn't always the smae thing.....I  am certainly harder on myself.

[Ms Grace]

Many people are needlessly hard on themselves, they refuse to listen to or accept compliments. Mind you that doesn't apply to just trans people but there is a tendency for trans people to not believe they are beautiful - understandable since we have a physical gender that we don't identify as. The trick is to learn how to accept yourself regardless, they pay off is a very positive, wonderful thing.

[suzifrommd]

Do you think, as a community we should take a step back and relax or should we keep pushing ourselves so hard? Just some food for thought. I'm interested in hearing what the rest of you girls think.

There are many very sweet, supportive trans mamas. There are also a lot of drill sergeant types that hammer on the theme that you need to take passing seriously to have a hope of ever succeeding.

We need both types. We ARE harder on ourselves than cis women, perhaps because so many of us have had military and athletic training in a male social setting. It's nice that we do also have people who exude warm love and tell us that we can be whatever kind of woman we want to be, and that we're not required to do the chores of womanhood well.

OTOH, we also need reminders that if we want to pass, every detail is important, and that dressing, moving, speaking, and presenting to fit in must be approached with certain seriousness.

[Mariah]

We are, most definitely,  harder on ourselves. I know part of my problem is I tend to be a perfectionist and other part is to make sure everything looks perfect as to blend in the most.
Mariah

Okay, here's the story. Just recently I've started wearing mascara and eyeliner, mascaras pretty easy to apply, but I do have some trouble with the eyeliner, so I never seem to be happy with the way my eyes look. I carried on today about this with my therapist. She told me I was being silly because it looked really good. In fact, she told me. I do a better job at it than she can. Even though she's been doing it all her life, which got me to thinking. Are we harder on ourselves as we try to present our self's as more feminine?Do you think we're doing a better job of presenting ourselves than we think we are? Not to mention any names, but I have been reading through a bunch of threads and it really did strike me that we seem to be pretty hard on ourselves. Do you think, as a community we should take a step back and relax or should we keep pushing ourselves so hard? Just some food for thought. I'm interested in hearing what the rest of you girls think.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

[LizMarie]

We are very hard on ourselves. Especially MtFs. FtMs have a slightly different set of issues that largely resolve themselves under testosterone therapy over time.

For instance, early MtF transitioners are often absolutely convinced they don't look feminine. Yet they go out in public and are totally accepted and ignored as just another woman. You point this out and they assume the worst in every situation. I was out with one woman and I could tell a guy was admiring her, but as we walked away she was sure she had been clocked. When I assured her that was not the case at all, and that what I saw was that guy looking at her in a very interested way, she didn't want to believe it.

And I think that this being hard on ourselves arises out of fear - fear of not passing, fear of being singled out, fear of being taunted, tormented, teased for being who we are. Yet in my experience, such fears almost never come true.

This leads me to my favorite observation about FFS, which so many transwomen assume will "save" them - Very few transwomen actually "need" FFS but almost all transwomen can benefit from FFS. Translation - most of us are capable of passing just as we are. A few are not but they are not the norm. But, most of us won't hit our "best" presentation without some surgical help either.

So my advice is to trust in yourself and just go for it. Yep, I am going to eventually do FFS too! But I've learned that I pass just fine without it. Doing FFS won't be for passing. It will be for me, to look my best, and to actually help me rid myself of the last mental vestiges of "him" in the mirror.

Trust yourself, trust your instincts, and most of all just be yourself.

[Ravensong]

We are very hard on ourselves. Especially MtFs. FtMs have a slightly different set of issues that largely resolve themselves under testosterone therapy over time.

For instance, early MtF transitioners are often absolutely convinced they don't look feminine. Yet they go out in public and are totally accepted and ignored as just another woman. You point this out and they assume the worst in every situation. I was out with one woman and I could tell a guy was admiring her, but as we walked away she was sure she had been clocked. When I assured her that was not the case at all, and that what I saw was that guy looking at her in a very interested way, she didn't want to believe it.

And I think that this being hard on ourselves arises out of fear - fear of not passing, fear of being singled out, fear of being taunted, tormented, teased for being who we are. Yet in my experience, such fears almost never come true.

This leads me to my favorite observation about FFS, which so many transwomen assume will "save" them - Very few transwomen actually "need" FFS but almost all transwomen can benefit from FFS. Translation - most of us are capable of passing just as we are. A few are not but they are not the norm. But, most of us won't hit our "best" presentation without some surgical help either.

So my advice is to trust in yourself and just go for it. Yep, I am going to eventually do FFS too! But I've learned that I pass just fine without it. Doing FFS won't be for passing. It will be for me, to look my best, and to actually help me rid myself of the last mental vestiges of "him" in the mirror.

Trust yourself, trust your instincts, and most of all just be yourself.

AMEN!!!!  This hits it on the spot I think!

[Steph34]

My belief is that being hard on oneself is necessary for self-improvement. Dissatisfaction motivates change. I will always be fearful of being seen as a man. I am very sensitive to having my feelings hurt and nothing hurts like being seen that way.

Sometimes, strangers saw me as a woman even before I started transitioning, and twice I was even approached (with interest) by a straight guy who backed off rapidly upon seeing me closer. One therapist told me "It's hard for me to see you as male" and another told me "It's hard to see how a vitamin could have a masculinizing effect in someone as feminine as you." All of that time, I thought to myself, "There is no way I look feminine with thinning hair and a waist almost as large as my hips!" So I would have to agree with the tendency to be hard on oneself.

[Eva Marie]

Yes we are very hard on ourselves; it comes from where we were and where we want to go and the unique challenges we face to work around what testosterone did to us. And of course some of it comes because we are women and that's how women roll.

I fought the eyeliner for quite a while; I tried the pencils, the liquid eyeliners, and the lacquer eyeliners you apply with a brush and I had trouble with each one. I have been using a pencil called silkissime by Loreal that I am very happy with, it goes on easy and stays put.


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[speckyhailey]

I think we are hard on ourselves, particularly on passing. Most people don't really care what you look like, unless you look really awful, but how you act and who you are.

[Sephirah]

We are hard on ourselves. But I think that is more a facet of human nature than being specific to any one section of folks. We overcompensate. When we see something in ourselves we want to get away from, sometimes we instinctively try to erase all traces of that thing from our lives. Envision a perfect opposite, and strive for that. But in doing so, forget that life is about balance.

It's hard, when you have an image in your mind about the perfect you, the perfect life... it's hard not to want to push the imperfect parts away, and treat them like they were never there. I think more than the world, we try to be perfect for ourselves. To live up to that image we have in our heads of who we are and who we want to be. If we aren't the facsimile of who is in our mind's eye, it's not good enough. And maybe we feel like we're just not trying hard enough.

I suspect for a lot of folks, this comes from self-esteem issues. Trying to live up to an ideal that is never going to be achievable solely so the way we feel about ourselves can be justified through the negative self-talk that goes on. Even though somewhere deep inside we know that we're chasing echoes. We put ourselves on pedestals we can't reach. I guess because the mind doesn't have limitations. Because we can create the perfect us, and then spend the rest of our lives trying to embody it.

[katiej]

This leads me to my favorite observation about FFS, which so many transwomen assume will "save" them - Very few transwomen actually "need" FFS but almost all transwomen can benefit from FFS. Translation - most of us are capable of passing just as we are. A few are not but they are not the norm. But, most of us won't hit our "best" presentation without some surgical help either.

Cara, you're exactly right!  I've noticed over the years that some very attractive cis women really aren't that pretty naturally.  They learn how to compensate for their shortcomings.  Fashion, hair, makeup, attitude...the whole package/presentation transforms them into very attractive women.  Have you seen the pictures of celebrities without makeup next to pictures of them with it?  Night and day!  And that transformation is available to us as well.

Another observation is that women really do come in all shapes and sizes.  Very few cis women have the ideal hourglass shape.  So holding ourselves to that standard is just as unrealistic as it is for cis women who struggle with low self esteem for the very same reason.

[April_TO]

We are very hard on ourselves. Especially MtFs. FtMs have a slightly different set of issues that largely resolve themselves under testosterone therapy over time.

For instance, early MtF transitioners are often absolutely convinced they don't look feminine. Yet they go out in public and are totally accepted and ignored as just another woman. You point this out and they assume the worst in every situation. I was out with one woman and I could tell a guy was admiring her, but as we walked away she was sure she had been clocked. When I assured her that was not the case at all, and that what I saw was that guy looking at her in a very interested way, she didn't want to believe it.

And I think that this being hard on ourselves arises out of fear - fear of not passing, fear of being singled out, fear of being taunted, tormented, teased for being who we are. Yet in my experience, such fears almost never come true.

This leads me to my favorite observation about FFS, which so many transwomen assume will "save" them - Very few transwomen actually "need" FFS but almost all transwomen can benefit from FFS. Translation - most of us are capable of passing just as we are. A few are not but they are not the norm. But, most of us won't hit our "best" presentation without some surgical help either.

So my advice is to trust in yourself and just go for it. Yep, I am going to eventually do FFS too! But I've learned that I pass just fine without it. Doing FFS won't be for passing. It will be for me, to look my best, and to actually help me rid myself of the last mental vestiges of "him" in the mirror.

Trust yourself, trust your instincts, and most of all just be yourself.

OMG you just made a big difference for me today. Thanks xoxo

[BreezyB]

I'm definetly hard on myself I think. Everyday I look in the mirror I am convinced I am becoming more masculine, Eeek! Now that can't be possible I know. My Psychiatrist says I look feminine yet I'm not seeing it, well not to the extent he seems to think. But what was interesting just now, I had a friend and his girlfriend come over, she hadn't seen me in years and he hadn't seen me in months. She was convinced I'm 'looking like a chick', they were her words. So whilst I can see some changes, I'm not at all convinced I'm looking like a chick.

So yes, I think we're way harder on ourselves. And I think the reason is for MtF transsexuals we're often starting from a place of major "testosterone abuse". When in fact I'm thinking things aren't half as bad as we may think. But in reality even cis women are hard in themselves regarding looks, or weight, or a thousand other things.

So I just think ours is exemplified simply because we're starting from a point that we're seriously not happy with. After all, and as my GP quite accurately put it, even a genetic female would want to change the,selves if they looked masculine. And so the question still remains, 'do we look masculine'. I don't think this is a question we can answer ourselves as our views are tainted, certainly of ourselves anyway.

So yes, we are harder on ourselves. Maybe we need to take a step back and let someone else critique us. Or, of course we could just not give a damn and be happy in our own skin.

Hmm, well if that were possible I don't think I'd be spending all this money of transitioning. I'll let the world know when I'm happy, and I'm stopping at nothing short of the time I look in the mirror and say 'God your beautiful girl'!