I want a biological kid

[sebster]

I'm pre-T and absolutely desperate to get testosteroned up. I feel physically sick with envy when I see my other transman friends who came out after me but still got to get on T first. I'm absolutely dysphoric every day, but the problem is I also really want a biological kid. I'm too poor to freeze my eggs and I'm not sure I ever want to be in a relationship anyway. I'm only 20, but I know for sure that I do want one biological kid. I know that 20 is hardly an ideal time to become a parent, but I cannot wait much longer to start T (I wouldn't start until after I'd had the baby and breastfed for a few months). The thought of having a pregnant body DOES scare me, but I feel it would be worth it to have a child that was biologically mine. I know I could adopt in the future, and I do intend to adopt, so I'm not just a completely selfish and terrible person.

I'm still in school and I figure that having a kid will make it much harder to complete school, but I am also determined to do it so that we'll be financially secure.

My friends think I'm insane, and I think they're probably right. My family thinks I should wait until I'm "26 or 27" to even consider having children, but they don't understand the agony of waiting to get on T. If I waited until I was 26 to get pregnant, that would mean starting T at 28-29. I cannot wait that long. I will wind up killing myself before then.

I will not feel that my life is complete unless I have one biological child, and I know that is a really sh*tty reason to become a parent and just a generally terrible sentiment, but that is how I feel.

Has anyone here gone to college with young children? Am I absolutely insane?

Advice please.

[SWNID]

I struggled a bit when I was 20 and wanted to get hysto. I wanted to freeze my eggs and eventually didn't have the gut to do it. This might be an option for you?

[BeemoX]

Sorry, I can't offer any advice. But just wanted to relate. I'm literally in the exact same position, but I'm mtf. I've been considering the same things. And everyone says I'm crazy. Mah. Hang in there, friend

[Edge]

I'm currently going to university while being a single parent to an autistic five year old. I had him when I was 21. It's doable, but it's hard and having a kid is a huge responsibility. They're not something you have just because you want one. They're someone you commit your life to.

[Alexthecat]

I'm the same as you but 23. No boyfriend but I do want the dad to be around since I never had that growing up. I did have my top surgery and it made the dysphoria go way down. I go back and forth on my decision for T all the time, I need a therapist. I plan to formula feed and there are ways to get others breast milk to do that part for the nutrients. When a kid comes you aren't going to be able to get Top surgery unless insurance will pay for it or a parent will, them kids are expensive.

[wheat thins are delicious]

You should really weigh the options.  You say you know you can adopt and plan to adopt, so why is a biological child so needed?  They aren't guaranteed to love you, or have a closer bond to you because you are the biological parent. 

No boyfriend but I do want the dad to be around since I never had that growing up.

But you will be the dad. 

[Alexthecat]

You should really weigh the options.  You say you know you can adopt and plan to adopt, so why is a biological child so needed?  They aren't guaranteed to love you, or have a closer bond to you because you are the biological parent. 
But you will be the dad. 

Guess I could rephrase to I grew up in a one parent house, I would want my kid to have two parents.

[Edge]

"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans." -John Lennon
Just because you want to be in a two parent household, doesn't mean that's going to happen. What if the other parent dies, leaves, becomes abusive, or some other reason why you can't stay together? The fact of the matter is no one plans for these things to happen. Would you still be able to take care of the child on your own if  any of those things were to happen? Because you never know. They could.

[Alexthecat]

I expect the sperm half to be in the kids life, it's a big difference from someone being dead and unable to be there to just not putting in the effort. If bad happened then I would manage it but I'd rather not have to.

[JHeron]

It's definitely a difficult decision. One that should be made after years of consideration I personally think but if it's really something you see yourself wanting in the future there's no reason why should limit yourself by not freezing your eggs. It will be expensive so hope you understand the financial side of it..  I've looked into it myself and think one place said it was min of 600 usd a year to store them so. My only advice is really research it, like I know eggs dont thaw out as well as embryos when you finally decide to use them. So things like that you should look into.

[ChrisRokk]

Pretty much everything Edge said, he is dead on.

When you bring a kid into the world, they don't have a choice in the matter. They are their own people. Basically they don't owe you anything because they never consented to being born, you made that choice, so you owe them quality care for at least 18 years. And that's not just food, housing, education, health care, etc. but it's also emotional support and helping them develop into who they are, which may have absolutely nothing to do with what you like or want.

Also, do you have a particular reason why the kid must be biological? There are plenty of children already out there who need homes, and that way you wouldn't have to delay your transition.

But yeah if all of that, the pregnancy and extreme hard work and sacrifice sounds super rewarding to you and worth putting off transition, I guess go for it? I dunno some people really do love parenting. You might be one of those people.

[Ryan55]

I would wait until your ready for the kid. There are cases where transmen have been on T for awhile and came off it to carry a baby, I read about a few in some articles. Its kind of like how the doctor told me when I started T, its like a paradox, T doesn't necessarily make you infertile, but it is very dangerous to carry a child while on T, cause you can still get pregnant on T. So if you want, you can always go on T for now and if you want to chance it, get off T when your ready for the baby, it will be an emotional roller coaster probably, but you could do that. Or if you don't want to carry it, you can come off T for awhile and have someone else be the surrogate with your eggs. Its kind of complicated to explain. But your neither fertile or infertile when on T.

[SilentRain]

I'm pre-T and absolutely desperate to get testosteroned up. I feel physically sick with envy when I see my other transman friends who came out after me but still got to get on T first. I'm absolutely dysphoric every day, but the problem is I also really want a biological kid. I'm too poor to freeze my eggs and I'm not sure I ever want to be in a relationship anyway. I'm only 20, but I know for sure that I do want one biological kid. I know that 20 is hardly an ideal time to become a parent, but I cannot wait much longer to start T (I wouldn't start until after I'd had the baby and breastfed for a few months). The thought of having a pregnant body DOES scare me, but I feel it would be worth it to have a child that was biologically mine. I know I could adopt in the future, and I do intend to adopt, so I'm not just a completely selfish and terrible person.

I'm still in school and I figure that having a kid will make it much harder to complete school, but I am also determined to do it so that we'll be financially secure.

My friends think I'm insane, and I think they're probably right. My family thinks I should wait until I'm "26 or 27" to even consider having children, but they don't understand the agony of waiting to get on T. If I waited until I was 26 to get pregnant, that would mean starting T at 28-29. I cannot wait that long. I will wind up killing myself before then.

I will not feel that my life is complete unless I have one biological child, and I know that is a really sh*tty reason to become a parent and just a generally terrible sentiment, but that is how I feel.

Has anyone here gone to college with young children? Am I absolutely insane?

Advice please.

Hey mate, I was just wondering if you would want to have children as a male. Impossible? No.
So, I was considering starting an organization called TRUST (Transgender Resource Union for Successful Transitioning) and maybe you or anybody else would like to try it. If you want to have children, but think you may be infertile, check this article out.
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/new-research-suggests-female-sperm-and-male-eggs-possible-8780153.html
Alternatively, if you want to have children pre-T, you can ask around the community or go to:
http://www.gofundme.com/
https://www.sponsorme.co.uk/
These site can help you personally raise money for any purpose you need, like getting your eggs frozen.

If TRUST gets off the ground, then we can raised money for you to freeze your eggs. Our mission in TRUST is to help trans people have chidren, afterall!

[Contravene]

I'm pre-T and absolutely desperate to get testosteroned up. I feel physically sick with envy when I see my other transman friends who came out after me but still got to get on T first. I'm absolutely dysphoric every day, but the problem is I also really want a biological kid. I'm too poor to freeze my eggs and I'm not sure I ever want to be in a relationship anyway. I'm only 20, but I know for sure that I do want one biological kid. I know that 20 is hardly an ideal time to become a parent, but I cannot wait much longer to start T (I wouldn't start until after I'd had the baby and breastfed for a few months). The thought of having a pregnant body DOES scare me, but I feel it would be worth it to have a child that was biologically mine. I know I could adopt in the future, and I do intend to adopt, so I'm not just a completely selfish and terrible person.

I'm still in school and I figure that having a kid will make it much harder to complete school, but I am also determined to do it so that we'll be financially secure.

My friends think I'm insane, and I think they're probably right. My family thinks I should wait until I'm "26 or 27" to even consider having children, but they don't understand the agony of waiting to get on T. If I waited until I was 26 to get pregnant, that would mean starting T at 28-29. I cannot wait that long. I will wind up killing myself before then.

I will not feel that my life is complete unless I have one biological child, and I know that is a really sh*tty reason to become a parent and just a generally terrible sentiment, but that is how I feel.

Has anyone here gone to college with young children? Am I absolutely insane?

Advice please.

Why do you want a child so badly? Do you want one for your own personal reasons or do you want one so that you can bring a new life into the world and raise it? Are you prepared to give your life to your child until it's no longer dependent on you or do you just want to have a kid to cross that off your bucket list then transition?

You should seriously consider why you want a child and what your child's life will be like, not just what yours will be like.

I'm the same as you but 23. No boyfriend but I do want the dad to be around since I never had that growing up. I did have my top surgery and it made the dysphoria go way down. I go back and forth on my decision for T all the time, I need a therapist. I plan to formula feed and there are ways to get others breast milk to do that part for the nutrients. When a kid comes you aren't going to be able to get Top surgery unless insurance will pay for it or a parent will, them kids are expensive.

I expect the sperm half to be in the kids life, it's a big difference from someone being dead and unable to be there to just not putting in the effort. If bad happened then I would manage it but I'd rather not have to.

You're worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. When you have another person in the mix like the father of your child you never know what they'll do and you can't control their actions. If you try too carefully to plan out your life and someone else's you're going to be disappointed by how life actually turns out.

[sebster]

Pretty much everything Edge said, he is dead on.

I'm currently going to university while being a single parent to an autistic five year old. I had him when I was 21. It's doable, but it's hard and having a kid is a huge responsibility. They're not something you have just because you want one. They're someone you commit your life to.

When you bring a kid into the world, they don't have a choice in the matter. They are their own people. Basically they don't owe you anything because they never consented to being born, you made that choice, so you owe them quality care for at least 18 years. And that's not just food, housing, education, health care, etc. but it's also emotional support and helping them develop into who they are, which may have absolutely nothing to do with what you like or want.

Also, do you have a particular reason why the kid must be biological? There are plenty of children already out there who need homes, and that way you wouldn't have to delay your transition.

But yeah if all of that, the pregnancy and extreme hard work and sacrifice sounds super rewarding to you and worth putting off transition, I guess go for it? I dunno some people really do love parenting. You might be one of those people.

I want one biological child for entirely selfish personal reasons. I know that biology does not = love. Adoption is NOT as easy as it sounds. It's very hard to get matched with an infant even if you're a married, well-off, heterosexual couple, and I do want to experience of raising a child from infancy. That being said, I DO intend to adopt an older child once I am more financially secure and once my biological child has gotten to the age where I feel they are ready to emotionally handle a new sibling... or at least that's how things would go ideally.

I raised a younger (high functioning autistic) sibling and that was by far the most rewarding experience I've ever had. I've done some volunteering with kids with learning disabilities and I also found that very rewarding, so I won't be disappointed if my child isn't a mini Nobel Laureate. I'm very much the paternal type. I have no doubt at all that I could provide emotional support for a child. As crazy as this sounds, I've already got lists of books I intend to read to my child at night. When I go on vacation (rarely) I find myself looking for all the child friendly things I could take my child to. Whenever something in the news comes up about how X could potentially harm children, I have to listen to the entire story and make a mental note not do let my child do X. I plan to send my child to Montessori school for the first few years, even if it bankrupts me, and I've already picked potential candidates.

The extent of my insanity is such that I've spent HOURS upon HOURS researching spermbanks and looking through the donor lists, looking for people who are healthy and educated and happy so the child would have all the biological advantages I could possibly give them. I've looked up designs for nurseries and already have ideas about how to create an engaging gender neutral environment so the child never feels that the gender binary is being forced on them. I've got a list of over 500 books now for empowering young girls from pre-school to middle school age.

I've never heard of any man getting so baby-crazy. I suspect this has something to do with the fact that I had such a ->-bleeped-<-ty childhood. I've got this fantasy in which I give my biological child and my adopted children this fairytale childhood where they don't have to be exposed to prejudice or violence and get to fall in love with learning before public school can beat the curiosity and creativity out of them. There is a library by my house, and I would schedule my classes in such a way that I could take the child to storytime with the children's librarian.

I've got all these ideas about how I could make my child's life exciting and free of the heartache that I had to endure as a kid. I just worry that once I have the child I'll be unable to complete school. I do think I have the drive to do it, but if the child gets sick while I have exams I'll be out of luck and then if I don't get my degree, the child will be financially screwed. The career I want to go into pays well and only requires a BA, but I don't think I can wait another 2-3 years to get a degree and then another 2-3 to have and breastfeed the child before starting T. But, if I have the child now, I worry that I'll just be a ->-bleeped-<-ty father because of my age.

Having a partner to help me raise my children isn't something I am counting on and it isn't necessary in my opinion. I grew up in an area where every household was a single parent household, and I'd honestly rather not have another adult there complicating things. I'd honestly feel safer if I didn't have to worry about another adult in the house harming my children. If I met someone who I could be certain wasn't going to abuse my kids, sure, I might let them into our life (mine and the child's), but otherwise I plan on doing this alone. As far as the child being curious about their other biological parent, I would only use an open donor so the child wouldn't have to deal with that mystery.

I grew up in poverty, and one of my biggest fears is that if I don't complete school after having a child my child will have to live on food stamps like my sibling and I did. I want to be able to afford a house in a neighbourhood with good schools and little things like music lessons and nice clothes for this child and all the children I hope to adopt in the far future.

My current insurance (via Obamacare) covers hormones and top surgery, so I'm not as worried about the cost of that. There is a history of fertility problems in my family and I've had ovarian cysts, so I'm pretty sure I won't be able to have biological children once I get on T, and beyond that, I don't think I could handle the scrutiny of strangers as an obvious "pregnant man". I've also had bad experiences with medical "professionals" who found out I was trans. I want to be able to breast feed. I was not breast fed and I have always wondered if my IQ has suffered because of this. I don't want my biological child to resent me for not giving them that advantage, however small it may be.

If I had the money to freeze an embryo, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I just don't have the means right now, and the thought of waiting much longer to get on T is not one I'd like to entertain.

[Gothic Dandy]

I don't have much to offer besides emotional support, as one of those people who loves parenting.

You are not insane for wanting a biological child. There are tons of people in the world, men and women alike, who get baby crazy, and for whom it's important that the child shares their blood. I recently read an article about older men who wished they'd had kids and regretted not having any, but I don't think I could find the article again. It was written in a way to challenge gender stereotypes about childless women.

I don't know how strict your college is regarding absences, or how heavy your workload is, but having a child while being in school could be tough. Not every pregnancy goes as smoothly as it could. You could run into a situation where you're told to stay on bedrest for the safety of your child. *raises own hand*

In the best case scenario, your pregnancy goes as planned, your school has some program in place to help support pregnant parents, and you have a social network or a reliable daycare with people who care about you and will be willing to watch your baby for you in an emergency.

In the end, it's a matter of you weighing your priorities (school, child, HRT) and what you'd be willing to sacrifice (in the event that things don't go as planned). But I'm sure you knew that already... Maybe it would help to think of this in terms of the future. 10-20 years from now, which would you regret or miss the most? If you weren't (currently) surrounded by your trans friends who trigger your envy, would the fact that you aren't on T yet still be as painful?

I think that speaking to an endocrinologist could help, if you haven't already. The doctor could tell you what chance you have of going on T and still being able to get pregnant later. As for being a pregnant man, I once saw a video of a guy who was able to pass off his pregnancy as a beer gut for most of it.



I hope that helped, I was kind of all over the place. (Note: did some quick editing for clarification.)

[Contravene]

This sounds more like a deeply rooted psychological issue you need to work out before doing anything drastic or as life changing as having a child.

[ChrisRokk]

Sebster, it does sound like you would be a competent parent, so that is great.

However, trying to provide a perfect environment for a child might accidentally result in them feeling pressured. Things like hearing a story on the news like X is bad for kids so my kids won't do it is great if we are talking about toxic chemicals or something like that (assuming that the news isn't being sensationalistic like it usually is) but if it's something like a sport where they might get injured or something like that, you can't keep a kid in a plastic bubble. Also spending all of your money on expensive schooling may lead to resentment subconsciously.. In my own experience, I found public school to be better than private school in some ways.

Another issue is sometimes despite hard work and doing everything right, sometimes your kid may end up in poverty, anyway. I never thought I would need to be on food stamps when I was growing up, but it happened in my adult life. The last thing you want is for a child to feel guilty about not being in a higher socioeconomic class than their parents.

It sounds like you want to shield your kids from all harm, which is noble, but it could also backfire. They're going to have to know how to deal with pain and suffering at some point. All humans experience it.

I guess I'm saying don't smother your kids. But maybe you wouldn't do that anyway. Who knows.

[Hex]

I'd recommend speaking to a therapist to be honest and then evaluate your life and time and if you think the risk of taking T is worth it until you can figure something out.
Maybe make a list of pros vs cons and go from there as well.
It IS possible to go to college/have a kid. Many people have done it before you and will continue to do so. The question more so would be, could YOU actually do that personally.
You'd also have to take into consideration that what you want isn't always what you get.
There are a lot of factors that come into play with you start planning to have a child.
The media saturates us with all these teens getting knocked up and it being so easy ect
But what people really fail to realize is that it takes a lot out of you.
The planning, keeping a spouse around(for what sounds like JUST parental duties), the money, clothes, furniture, supplies, what if breast feeding doesn't work? Then you have formula expense, diapers, and the list goes on and on.

Is your college flexible with schedules, do you have insurance for pregnancy care, hospital visits, anything that might arise?
Do you have a therapist that you can turn to and speak with issues concerning your situation?
Is your living situation ok for a child? Do you have the time to devote? Transportation, child care.. I mean it's expansive, expensive and time consuming have a child.

On top of that, if you decide to wait, are you willing to risk bettering your situation and taking T knowing that you may not be able to have a child later on? Is having a child worth it so much so that you'd rather commit doing something harmful? And if so, maybe you should be asking yourself if you're mentally ok to even go through with pregnancy and child bearing mentally.

I guess you could say I got a better draw in a sense for this deal. I didn't realize I was trans yet before I had my two children. But I can tell you these past 8 years weren't easy ones. Being a parent means for life. You are these person's caregivers, guidance, mental and physical crutch. Everything you do for them must come first before your self sometimes. Want to visit a friend at 11pm? Nope, no babysitter and your kid is happily asleep in bed.
I'm not going to lie. Raising a child is a life hindrance. And anyone who says that it zero percent isn't is either filthy rich and doesn't actually have to care for their children, or are lying.
Children are amazing little people but require your time, care and love.

I'm sorry I kind of went on a rant there but I'm sticking with my original suggestions. Seek a therapist that can help you with your situation and maybe stand back and evaluate what is actually more important.
I always liked the term, "You can't take care of anyone else if you can't even care for yourself and you definitely can't care for a child if you're not on this earth."

[Randi]

Do you have any siblings?  Do you have brother who could supply sperm or a sister who would carry a child for you?

Using their gametes would result in offspring genetically very similar to your own offspring.

Remember that if you freeze eggs you will still need two other people to help you reproduce... a sperm donor and surrogate mother.

As pointed out earlier it may be possible to produce either sperm or eggs from male or female skin cell.

If you want a woman as a spouse, using a brother's or male cousin's sperm with her would be very close to your own genetics.

Best Wishes,

Randi