I don't know who I am anymore.. WHAT'S GOING ON?!

[Amato]

I'm sure we got dragons in the unicorn forest you can meet.

Maybe you're non binary, maybe your not. All you can do is be honest with yourself and go with it. Whatever the case you're always welcome in the NB forums.

[Sephirah]

Sorry for being a bit late to this, but something I wanted to say was:

Hon, don't worry so much about how it makes other people feel, okay? You need to get out what's on your mind. It's part of being able to deal with it. *hugs*

And also... well, yes, feeling who you are inside is most often the strongest feeling, at times where you're suffering dysphoria, or at times where you feel out of place with things you should be doing/feeling/enjoying but just... don't. However, there are a whole mess of things that we all have to deal with which impose that "You are this" on you. Your body... the people around you, your experiences, memories, belief in people you thought knew more than you. Etc etc.

It's hard, damned hard sometimes, to isolate that voice inside yourself which is saying "I am me. And this is me."

A lot of times in life we don't feel different. Speaking personally, when things have happened in my life where gender didn't play a part, I never paid it much heed. And just felt "okay, I'm me. Big whoop". And that can happen for long periods of time.

You said it yourself, you wanted to be told who you were. And heck, if the whole world was telling you that you were female, then why wouldn't you be happy? I know I would be.

I'm not going to tell you who you are, sweetie, because that's not my call to make. But I can't help feeling from your post that a lot of what you're feeling is conditioning, based on what people have told you because of the way you were born, and how much stock you wanted to place in people telling you who you are so you don't have to figure it out for yourself. Maybe... well, maybe these feelings you're having are associations with the you that felt most comfortable, the you that you believed everyone else's view of you with. The mind is a funny place sometimes, and we instinctively revert back to the path of least resistance sometimes, because it's easier to deal with.

Doesn't mean it's who you are.

*hugs*

I wish you the best in trying to figure things out, sweetie.

[littleredrobinhood]

Sorry for being a bit late to this, but something I wanted to say was:

Hon, don't worry so much about how it makes other people feel, okay? You need to get out what's on your mind. It's part of being able to deal with it. *hugs*

And also... well, yes, feeling who you are inside is most often the strongest feeling, at times where you're suffering dysphoria, or at times where you feel out of place with things you should be doing/feeling/enjoying but just... don't. However, there are a whole mess of things that we all have to deal with which impose that "You are this" on you. Your body... the people around you, your experiences, memories, belief in people you thought knew more than you. Etc etc.

It's hard, damned hard sometimes, to isolate that voice inside yourself which is saying "I am me. And this is me."

A lot of times in life we don't feel different. Speaking personally, when things have happened in my life where gender didn't play a part, I never paid it much heed. And just felt "okay, I'm me. Big whoop". And that can happen for long periods of time.

You said it yourself, you wanted to be told who you were. And heck, if the whole world was telling you that you were female, then why wouldn't you be happy? I know I would be.

I'm not going to tell you who you are, sweetie, because that's not my call to make. But I can't help feeling from your post that a lot of what you're feeling is conditioning, based on what people have told you because of the way you were born, and how much stock you wanted to place in people telling you who you are so you don't have to figure it out for yourself. Maybe... well, maybe these feelings you're having are associations with the you that felt most comfortable, the you that you believed everyone else's view of you with. The mind is a funny place sometimes, and we instinctively revert back to the path of least resistance sometimes, because it's easier to deal with.

Doesn't mean it's who you are.

*hugs*

I wish you the best in trying to figure things out, sweetie.

Thank you.  I'm trying not to fall into the trap of convincing myself I'm whatever other people say I am again.. and it's hard not to take the "easy" way. Especially because I'm a very impatient person, and I feel like I need to know who I am "RIGHT NOW!".  But now I know that whatever relief just "going along" with what other people say I am gives me would only be temporary.. I can't force it.


I think maybe I've been putting too much importance on my gender for the past 8 years.. It's almost always on my mind, and I've held myself back from doing a lot of things because I didn't want to do it as the "wrong" gender. In other words, I didn't want to start living my life until I could live my life as a man.

Now that my identity has become blurry, though.. I realize that without a solid gender to identify with, there's not much left of me. Beyond that desire to "become a man", I didn't/don't have any other passions. No hobbies. Interests.. I've avoided making friends for multiple reasons, too - the main reason being that I didn't want to make any until I could be "me".

Maybe it's time I set my gender to the side for awhile and worked on learning more about the rest of me.

[Sephirah]

Maybe it's time I set my gender to the side for awhile and worked on learning more about the rest of me.

Sounds like a good plan. That and coming to terms with everything you do, you do as you (Suck it Bryan Adams, that would have been a less cheesy song!). Whoever that is.

I can totally understand what you're saying about holding off doing things unless you felt you were doing it as the gender you identify with. I think that's something that holds a lot of folks back. Needing that feeling of authenticity, I guess. I've done a bit of that myself to be honest. I guess what helps... or what helped me, is to try and accept that knowing that you're finding yourself enables you to actually live your life as you, even if you don't know who that you is yet. Living it not as who everyone tells you you are is often enough, and the rest falls into place on its own.

Gender is a part of you, but it isn't you. You shape gender around yourself, not the other way around. If you're a man, be your own man. If you're a woman, be your own woman. If you're non-binary, be your own person. Owning yourself, that's what it's all about. Write your own definition of your gender identity, as it applies to you. Templates only really apply to the person who made them.

*hugs*

[littleredrobinhood]

Sounds like a good plan. That and coming to terms with everything you do, you do as you (Suck it Bryan Adams, that would have been a less cheesy song!). Whoever that is.

I can totally understand what you're saying about holding off doing things unless you felt you were doing it as the gender you identify with. I think that's something that holds a lot of folks back. Needing that feeling of authenticity, I guess. I've done a bit of that myself to be honest. I guess what helps... or what helped me, is to try and accept that knowing that you're finding yourself enables you to actually live your life as you, even if you don't know who that you is yet. Living it not as who everyone tells you you are is often enough, and the rest falls into place on its own.

Gender is a part of you, but it isn't you. You shape gender around yourself, not the other way around. If you're a man, be your own man. If you're a woman, be your own woman. If you're non-binary, be your own person. Owning yourself, that's what it's all about. Write your own definition of your gender identity, as it applies to you. Templates only really apply to the person who made them.

*hugs*

Too true - and I'm surprised it took me this long to realize I was even doing that. 

I still feel the "need" to know what my gender is, but it's becoming less intense.. and I have y'all to thank for that.  Y'all kept me calm (well, as calm as I can get in this sort of situation lol), and that really helped me be able to actually think about these things.. instead of running away like I always did when I had similar feelings in the past. I even got back a few bits and pieces of memories I had repressed in my attempt to hide ever having felt female and confused.

So yeah, I'm glad I decided to post this here and keep it up despite feeling embarrassed about how I've been feeling. 

[littleredrobinhood]

I think I'm beginning to lean towards "gender fluid" to describe myself.. Now that I've stopped resisting the possibility and have essentially stopped trying to force my identity to "stay put", it's sounding more like a label I could feel comfortable with. At the least, it's more comfortable than having to switch between "cis woman" and "trans man". It's a label that I can wear both as a woman and a man.

And regarding the bolded above.. I think I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I've never been cis - not even for those first 14 years of my life.

What helped me was to think about it like my orientation; I was seemingly "straight" for a large chunk of my life (this was before I started feeling male) - I was only attracted to guys. But after I experienced my first crush on a girl, and then later on another girl.. I realized I wasn't as straight as I thought. If anything, I was bi. Even before I had my first "girl crush".

Going off of that, using bi as an analogy also helped me stop seeing myself as switching between "cis" and "trans; a bi person is still bi, even when they're in a "straight" relationship.

In other words, I'm still trans - even when I identify with the sex I was born into.

After all - a cis person is someone who id's with their assigned sex all the time. Which I - obviously - don't. So... yeah. 


But with all that said (I hope I even made any sense lol), I don't think I'm going to put a label on myself just yet (despite wanting to  ).

[Tessa James]

We often put a lot of stock in feeling certain and definite about who we are and where we are going.  My fluidity through a long life has gone from androgynous and gender queer to non binary.  It has often been easier to be sure of what I was not.  Not a man, I also did not feel i was a woman and stayed in a toxic and repressed state for decades as my limited knowledge of transgender was from the binary perspective. 

It feels much more comfortable to me to be in transition to an unknown place with far fewer limitations, labels and stereotypes to deal with.  I admire your public soul searching and progress.

[adrian]

I think I'm beginning to lean towards "gender fluid" to describe myself.. Now that I've stopped resisting the possibility and have essentially stopped trying to force my identity to "stay put", it's sounding more like a label I could feel comfortable with. At the least, it's more comfortable than having to switch between "cis woman" and "trans man". It's a label that I can wear both as a woman and a man.

And regarding the bolded above.. I think I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I've never been cis - not even for those first 14 years of my life.

What helped me was to think about it like my orientation; I was seemingly "straight" for a large chunk of my life (this was before I started feeling male) - I was only attracted to guys. But after I experienced my first crush on a girl, and then later on another girl.. I realized I wasn't as straight as I thought. If anything, I was bi. Even before I had my first "girl crush".

Going off of that, using bi as an analogy also helped me stop seeing myself as switching between "cis" and "trans; a bi person is still bi, even when they're in a "straight" relationship.

In other words, I'm still trans - even when I identify with the sex I was born into.

After all - a cis person is someone who id's with their assigned sex all the time. Which I - obviously - don't. So... yeah. 


But with all that said (I hope I even made any sense lol), I don't think I'm going to put a label on myself just yet (despite wanting to  ).

Hello there What you write makes a lot of sense! It's great that you're beginning to figure some things out!