Ok, so like the subject suggests I am not sure if I am in a rut or on the edge. I mean this with so many aspects of life.
On the outside my life would look pretty good. My job position is better than I would have predicted for myself at this age. A pretty understanding SO. An amazing daughter. Probably 2/3rds of my life ahead of me.
The rut: The SO is absolutely disgusted to see me as Michaela, but talks like she is understanding when I dress male. The relationship has been vanilla at best since my daughter was born, more of a no reason to leave or stay contenment on both sides. My job eats my soul most days, I mean I think I could continue with some of the changes I have made at that place and it would be better for everyone, but it is sooo, so painful, and the culture of that company might just keep it a soup sandwich. I love the aspects of my job, just not at this company. Between work, and family, and my social awkwardness that has developed ( mostly girl friends And only a few guy friends in high school and now I have had weeks go by without even talking to anyone female, because my job field is male dominated and I have never really been that good at this male act and the last few months I dropped the act) has left me no real friends. This life though provides me the means for all of the expenses associated with transition.
The edge: I want to say screw it and come out 100% now! I am normally incredibly cautious and calculating, I don't gamble. I know that if I jump out the SO is gone, if I give her time she might (might) stay. She leaves and I am sure that my daughter goes with her. Eating a salad instead of a piece of still bleeding meat at lunch has landed me with gay jokes for weeks at work, I doubt coming out there would be easy if even safe. So there goes my job, and the position I have, a position that probably would take years to get to at another company. I mean on one side I have a fake facade of a good life that is hard to let go of. On the other hand I could be happy and real, but possibly starving jobless and alone. Why does the option that is connected to losing so much make me smile at what I gain?
