Ok, so like the subject suggests I am not sure if I am in a rut or on the edge.  I mean this with so many aspects of life.

On the outside my life would look pretty good.  My job position is better than I would have predicted for myself at this age.  A pretty understanding SO. An amazing daughter.  Probably 2/3rds of my life ahead of me.

The rut: The SO is absolutely disgusted to see me as Michaela, but talks like she is understanding when I dress male.  The relationship has been vanilla at best since my daughter was born, more of a no reason to leave or stay contenment on both sides.  My job eats my soul most days, I mean I think I could continue with some of the changes I have made at that place and it would be better for everyone, but it is sooo, so painful, and the culture of that company might just keep it a soup sandwich.  I love the aspects of my job, just not at this company.  Between work, and family, and my social awkwardness that has developed ( mostly girl friends And only a few guy friends in high school and now I have had weeks go by without even talking to anyone female, because my job field is male dominated and I have never really been that good at this male act and the last few months I dropped the act) has left me no real friends.  This life though provides me the means for all of the expenses associated with transition.

The edge: I want to say screw it and come out 100% now!  I am normally incredibly cautious and calculating, I don't gamble.  I know that if I jump out the SO is gone, if I give her time she might (might) stay.  She leaves and I am sure that my daughter goes with her.  Eating a salad instead of a piece of still bleeding meat at lunch has landed me with gay jokes for weeks at work, I doubt coming out there would be easy if even safe.  So there goes my job, and the position I have, a position that probably would take years to get to at another company.  I mean on one side I have a fake facade of a good life that is hard to let go of.  On the other hand I could be happy and real, but possibly starving jobless and alone.  Why does the option that is connected to losing so much make me smile at what I gain? 

I wish I could give some sensible advice.

When I decided to transition it was for my personal survival and happiness. I don't know if I would be here now if I hadn't done so. But we can never predict the future.

You may lose your family and your job - you may not. Even some quite homophobic people found it easy to accept me as a woman, while they struggle with Gay guys for some reason. You can never tell.

How to decide? In the end I asked myself a question. How do I want to die? Will I die as a man or a woman?

I made my decision and in my case there has been no regrets and no loses, only improvements in my life that I certainly could not foretell.

As a case in point, I did a TV interview on being a woman. After I was stopped in the street by complete strangers saying that they had seen me on TV and thought I was wonderful and hoped that I was accepted as me. I have never been stopped by anyone to tell me I'm a sick freak or a misguided nut.

So you never tell what may happen.

I wish you all my love in making your decision and I hope you have a wonderful fulfilling life no matter what you decide.

Hugs

Cindy

Thank you Cindy   I think I just needed to let that out, I felt a little better just clicking the post button.  I guess I put it on here because I didn't have anyone to say it to at the time.