all i wanted

[evadenzin]

i am an intersex, brought up and currently living as a girl, age 18. it was not a big problem when i was a child but now that i'm grown up i look different from girls, my looks are in between a boy and a girl. my voice is also deep like that of a man. (i have never seen any doctor in this case. doctors won't consider my problem).
i always worked my butt off to get good grades in the school. i got 98% marks in secondary school and 92% marks in higher secondary school. now i was aiming at a competitive scholarship for a medical college. i studied day & night to get the scholarship by taking a written test. 6 million students competed for 3000 seats and i was one of the ones who secured a scholarship. but when i went for the interview in the college i was DENIED admission and scholarship coz of my sex.
all i ever wanted was education but being shut out of college is like the end of life for me. i am really depressed and weird thoughts come to my mind like suicide. i am really fed up of the way this society treats me.
(i am not from the USA)

sorry, i initially didn't write where i'm from. i live in Pakistan. how the conditions are here:
and here the intersex have no status in this society. they are abandoned at birth and they grow up in "intersex slum area" outside the city. they can't get any education or jobs. they are not even allowed to go and beg in some localities (only because of sexual discrimination). they are only used as tools of sexual amusement (sorry if my words grim but it is the reality here!).

i'm consider myself VERY lucky as my family didn't abandon me. but they have not done anything "special" for me. in fact i am nothing more than a servant (and i always want to flee from my family but i have no other place for shelter). this is the first time i have come up to tell my problem to anyone.

[mrs izzy]

Evadenzin
Welcome to Susan's family.
There are a few here that should have information to help. There is grounds being made around the world but at a slow pace. Try and find resources in your area for some support and help. We as a forum are always here.
Pull up a chair and give a look over the following links for the site info...

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Safe passage on your path, popcorn?

Izzy

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi there

Banish all thoughts of self-harm, heavens, with your intellectual capability other avenues are certainly open to you.  We'll get back to this later, but first this:

So you're not from the USA, but since you don't say where you are from, and with 6-million candidates,  I can only hypothesise that you come from a very populous country where gender rights are not highly developed and where there is a lot of gender ignorance.  Any additional information you can give us would be useful, so please share a bit more...

Hugs
Julia

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

Aww sweetie, that really sucks to hear ♥︎*Hugs*♥︎

If you live in a European country, you'd be well within your legal rights to drag them through the mud for discrimination.

And hunni, please don't harm yourself.  None of this is your fault, it's Society's™ fault for being stupid and ignorant.  You're a human being and *DESERVE* to be treated like one ♥︎

You should definitely seek professional help for depression, and check out this thread for suicide hotline numbers in various countries: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112545.0.html

If these thoughts get really serious / overwhelming, don't hesitate to call the emergency service number for your country (911 for US, 999 for UK etc).

Stay strong hunni, we all love you ♥︎*Hugs*♥︎

[Ms Grace]

Hi! Welcome to Susan's! Was that the reason they actually gave you for not admitting you to the scholarship? Surely you have a discrimination case against them if so.

[evadenzin]

i have updated my first post with more info about me

[Julia-Madrid]

Thank you Evadenzin.  From your English I had you either in Pakistan or India 

Your situation is not easy, given the state of gender knowledge and equality in your country, and I guess you already know that there are no easy answers, and probably no support groups that mean anything.  But, as I say, you appear to be diligent, hard working and intellectually capable, so this is a big help.

Some ideas that you might want to consider: 

I read a long article recently about a powerful underground gay community in Pakistan. I know you're not gay, but gays too suffer discrimination where you are. If you were to find a sympathetic and powerful man to assist you, sponsor you, or in some other way assist, this could be one step.

The other might be to look for international scholarships to universities in the UK and USA if you haven't already tried this. Some will actively help people from disadvantaged situations, but who show academic capability.

A third option is quite extreme, and you'd need to research it very carefully, and that would be to visit a country (commonwealth would be good  ), and claim asylum on the grounds of persecution.  I'm not a lawyer, so please be very careful with this.

I think you are VERY brave, and I have huge admiration for your tenacity.   Please feel free to discuss this with me if you wish, outside the forum if you need to.

Regards
Julia

[evadenzin]

i really don't want to end my life like a coward but i am completely impulsive, so i fear a time when i'd make an abrupt "wrong" decision. i was never much bothered by the harassment / discrimination in my routine life (no one in my class wanted to share a desk with me, so i shared my desk with my bag) but after being denied admission to college i feel very depressed and at times i feel like this is the end of life for me (i don't have any aim left in my life). i don't want to harm myself, this is why i have come to this forum to seek help (you see i am sensible when when i am not depressed).

YES, Julia, i want to discuss it with you because i want a solution and end my misery. i have been living with this misery since my birth (18 years is quite a long time for me).

[Ms Grace]

Thanks for the additional info. It is clearly a very difficult situation you are in and I don't want to give you any false hope, but is there any possibility you can try to claim asylum in another country? I know that in itself is not an easy process and unfortunately in many countries (including mine) asylum seekers can be treated like utter dirt, but it might still ultimately give you the opportunity for a better life.

[evadenzin]

Grace! i have also been thinking of ways to get out of this country. and i see two ways: 1. get a student visa   2. get a visit visa
the problem here is my family. they are not the understanding kind of people. if i ask them i want to seek asylum in another country on the basis of my sex, they would not allow me. they don't even want to talk about my problem. they consider it a shame. and they won't let me leave them either. and i cannot go against them coz if i do so i'd risk my life.
it's only me and my problem here, no one else is here to help or support me.  and this sense of helplessness arouses the feeling of "end of life". i wish someone could make my family understand my problem, they have no idea how much i have suffered in this society. 

[Ms Grace]

It might be possible to get a student visa and once you are in the host country contact gender/intersex advocacy groups to see what your chances of claiming asylum are. Again, I don't want to get your hopes up but it is an option. Don't give up.

[Jo-is-amazing]

I second what Grace says
Also from Australia and from a family with lots of ties to different refugee communities and volunteer works with refugee families (Im not yet but soon - waiting on a blue card - ) many refugees who come to Australia arrive by plane on other visas, and during their stay apply for asylum. I cannot nor will say what your chances are in Australia given the inhuman monster we have in charge of our immigration policy, but it is definitely a viable option, and the US and the Eurozone are also reliable places to seek refuge. If you can get a student visa, this is something worth considering in great depth

Hugs >--(^_^)--<

[evadenzin]

i need to talk this, can someone please PM me....?

[Hex]

I also agree with the student visa option. If your family is supportive and wants you to get into schooling, this might be a great window of opportunity to apply to places for other schooling and programs. Find a place somewhere where expenses for travel and board might be paid this way your family won't have to pay out of pocket either. Only talk to them about the schooling aspect and try to maybe convince them this is best for your future so you can get a better job/make more money ect.

[Julia-Madrid]

i need to talk this, can someone please PM me....?

Done - you have my details...