How did you know?

[Lake James]

Hey guys

I'm sorry if this has been asked a thousand times and I appreciate that it is different for everyone, but....how and when did you realise you were trans?

Thanks, Lake

[adrian]

My body "knew" for all my life, but I acknowledged it only recently at 38. Something just clicked and I knew.  Weird!

[Thatoneguyyouknow]

For me, I realized I didn't really like what girls liked, and was always more connected to masculine stuff and dress like a male. But that in itself doesn't make you trans. There are several tom boys that feel like that. The thing that made me realize I was trans was when I noticed I was attracted to females and more and more I knew I wanted to be their boyfriend. Be the man in their life, to take care of them, but most important I had the urge to want to enter females sexually like a male. Also I felt comfortable with my body hair, and always grew jealous of how other males looked and how masculine they looked and I wasn't. When I close my eyes I see myself as male in my head, and the voice in my head sounds male.  So that enough made me put two and two together. All the things in my childhood, the way I acted, the things I liked to do, the way I thought, it was male.

In saying that, I feel that alot of people now adays, mostly teens in school assume they are trans, when they're really not. They assume just cause they are tom boyish or too fat to wear regular girls clothes, or don't feel pretty enough, that they must be male. No, there is more to being a man, then just the clothes and the way you look.

[Orangaline]

When i was younger i got curious about things that noone else did. it started out as jealousy where i was jealous the boys got to run around without a shirt on, and then curiousity about what it would be like to have "man parts"  and a secret and repressed longing for facial hair.

when i got older and sexually matured i began to notice i was only happy when pretending to be a guy during s*x (i knew i wasnt into dudes at that time, only girls)


after that, one day i was laying in bed about two adn a half weeks ago and the thought hit me that maybe i wanted to be a guy. at first i shot it down but a couple of days later i accepted it.


**sorry if my sensors annoy you, i just like to sensor things that may not be appropriote for younger readers, it makes me more comfortable talking about it, like im not guilty of corrupting people:/**

[Marcellow]

I realized I was trans back in April but there was something off about me for as long as I could remember.

[Kyler]

I stumbled across some youtuber and found them interesting... But I'd NEVER do that... 'Cause I'm a girl! What the heck... That'd take a lot of effort anyway, no one would accept me... Yada yada. Then I found more and more YouTubers... I'm not really sure when I finally admitted to myself that I was trans. But I was definitely in denial for some time about it. I, oddly, watched a YouTuber go through the same process as me a couple years after I did.

[Tossu-sama]

I'm pretty sure I always knew it, I can remember thinking about wanting to be a boy even before I was even five. It was more of a matter of admitting it to myself.

[PucksWaywardSon]

I didn't, for a long time (I'm 32 and only just starting to talk about transitioning) - mostly because growing up I "objectively knew" I was a girl (based on my understanding of parts=gender, which is what most kids learn unless they're in a really progressive situation) and also figured my insistance on living in jeans and graphic tees wasn't so much cross-dressing as just refusing to "dress up nice" unless it was absolutely necessary. I was peripherally aware of MTF as a thing in my late teens but couldn't really figure out how that would work the other way (wearing boy-clothes just doesn't get read that way if you're curvy... and I didn't know much about how to hide that or even that that's what I was doing) there's plenty of other clues along the way, but like many people it was the cascade of youtube videos that made it clear this was describing what I felt like. I still worry a lot about whether it's worth it, how other people will react, if anyone will "believe me" if I try to tell them to treat me as a guy while I still look the way I do... but in therapy whenever I'm told to really look at feelings and not thoughts and worries, the answer's easy. I desperately wanted a brother (and didn't get one) when I was 4 and I'm starting to think that was the same little-kid-logic at work that tells a 2 year old if they cover their eyes, you can't see them. I was always looking up to guys, and later trying to get accepted by them by showing off (eating tons of mustard, lifting tables, arm wrestling etc) as I got older. Wound up going through a science degree (after flunking out of engineering) and getting into tabletop gaming and LARP, so I was always treated mostly as an equal because it was keep up or get out and frankly, I could keep up. Never thought of myself *as* a guy back then, but I definitely had figured out I had a male brain based on those online quizzes (always felt good if it guessed male and bad if it guessed female) but I've also always been so dissociated from my emotions that I sort of reconciled boy brain, girl body as being just a great big tomboy and got on with life. It's working on getting into drama school that's led me to really ask the tough questions there and finding out that it's possible to "make the outside match the inside" just made me feel like a whole new shot at life had opened up, and a chance to maybe finally grow up into the adult I've utterly failed to become as a female.

[FTMax]

I've pretty much always known, but I didn't have a word for it until I was 17 and a friend came out and started to transition. I hadn't even known that it was an option at the time. I took some time to think about it, almost transitioned twice before, and ultimately ended up waiting until a few months ago to start socially transitioning. For me, it took being in a place where I was financially secure, completely independent, and mentally exhausted before I was comfortable coming out and really embracing the fact that I'm trans.

[Lake James]

Hey everyone 

Thank you for all your replies....its really interesting to hear other peoples experiences.....well any experiences !!  I know no trans people so don't know how my thoughts/feelings match up to other ftm's.  I can look back over the years, especially those of my childhood and now see so many pointers to something not being right.

Strong dislike to girls clothes (its really strong, to the point where wearing them would make me actually feel quite distressed) , desire to have a male chest, dislike to being called a woman (can't relate to that at all!), just generally not relating to being female at all, automatically reaching for Mens Health instead of Womens Health magazine in shops, always selecting male avatars online because female doesn't feel like me.  All check, every day.

However......I don't know if I feel like a man either and what if I get it all wrong.  If I could be born again, I would opt to be male, for sure, no doubts at all.  But...changing, risking everything, for something I am not 100% sure about....I just don't know.

PucksWaywardSon I have to say I really relate to what you said about failing to grow into an adult.  Whereas I do feel mature, I also feel stuck as a very young teenager.  Is this because maybe I haven't grown up as the sex I was meant to be?
Did anyone else have that?  and did you start to feel like you were growing up once you started to transition?

Lake 

[PucksWaywardSon]

That's pretty much what I'm starting to think it is Lake. Though I've also been working with my therapist on looking at how I responded to bullying at school - I compartmentalised and dissociated from the emotions so much I literally can't remember them. I still *feel* emotions, I just don't really connect them with experiences/things that happened, so the emotional immaturity is probably a huge part of why I feel held back a bit too. I'm hoping that coming to terms with being trans* and hopefully starting to transition with hormones and top surgery when I'm ready to go forward with that will help me feel more whole as an adult, but there's a lot of other things going on in this head of mine to contribute!

[Edge]

I had clues throughout my life. Wanting to play with the other boys as a boy, thinking that I might somehow turn out to be at least part boy, reading that people with one of my brain things are almost exclusively male and having to remind myself that I'm female (I was in denial of being a guy), feeling disconnected from my reflection, feeling like I was playing a part, hiding, and invisible, and other things like that. Unlike other people, I never had a problem with dresses or "girls' toys." To me, they were and are just clothing and toys and I played with and dressed in a wide assortment of them.
Oh yeah I also felt like I hadn't gone through puberty. Intellectually I knew I had, but it was... weird...
I was able to acknowledge it and come to terms with it two and a half years ago after I had gone through a self esteem program and re-figured out who I was. I unexpectedly realized that I feel like a guy (not that I can describe what that's like). I started looking into trans stuff, fought with myself a lot when I encountered gender role crap, and eventually came to terms with it. I also started out thinking I was genderfluid which was painful and confusing because I get body dysphoria and I was worried about transitioning because I was afraid that I'd feel female and be just as dysphoric. It turns out though that every step I took in my transition has made me happier than I could have imagined. I also wrote a journal every day describing how I felt about my gender. It helped me see it from a wider perspective and I realized that transitioning is right for me.

[darkblade]

PucksWaywardSon and Lake, this is very interesting because for the past year I've been feeling like I'm failing to grow into adulthood.

It just feels like people around me are growing, getting jobs, doing stuff, socializing as adults, and I'm just my little awkward self who can't even get myself to apply to grad schools. I just feel like a 20 year old child at the moment. It's like I shirk all the responsibility I should be taking on at this point. I'm too.. passive about everything. I'm sort of hoping that if I transition I'd become a different, more proactive person? For the past two years people have been almost consistently mistaking my sister who's 3 years younger than me as the older sibling, because apparently I act much less mature. I'm also horrible with social cues and completely disregard the formalities that should come along with being around adults?

On the actual topic of this thread though, I have no answer because I don't "know" yet.

[BlaineGame]

PucksWaywardSon and Lake, this is very interesting because for the past year I've been feeling like I'm failing to grow into adulthood.

It just feels like people around me are growing, getting jobs, doing stuff, socializing as adults, and I'm just my little awkward self who can't even get myself to apply to grad schools. I just feel like a 20 year old child at the moment. It's like I shirk all the responsibility I should be taking on at this point. I'm too.. passive about everything. I'm sort of hoping that if I transition I'd become a different, more proactive person? For the past two years people have been almost consistently mistaking my sister who's 3 years younger than me as the older sibling, because apparently I act much less mature. I'm also horrible with social cues and completely disregard the formalities that should come along with being around adults?

On the actual topic of this thread though, I have no answer because I don't "know" yet.

Yup, that's how I feel and I'm 21...everyone else I know either has a job or is going to school. They all have their own car  while I'm still sharing with my mom. I'm mature personality wise but not with my own life. I show my mature side when I help other people or give advice. I can't seem to grow up in my own life though.

I'm still unsure if I want to be male but I suddenly have the urge to go all out and be a man 100%...

[Maleth]

I didn't exactly know the term trans, but for as long as I could remember I never found it appealing to identify as female. It just didn't work for me. I eventually expanded on these feelings and they evolved into more like, "I feel like a man." And bam.. I also found relief once I was educated on FtMs because I just *knew* and could relate to it.

[PucksWaywardSon]

Darkblade - "consistently mistaking my sister who's 3 years younger than me as the older sibling" My sister's 4 and a half years younger than me - from the ages of 8 & 12 people who knew there was a 4 year age gap assumed I was the 8 year old. We went through puberty pretty much within a year of each other.

Ok the number of "me too"s on the maturity thing is really reassuring. Thanks guys

[darkblade]

Darkblade - "consistently mistaking my sister who's 3 years younger than me as the older sibling" My sister's 4 and a half years younger than me - from the ages of 8 & 12 people who knew there was a 4 year age gap assumed I was the 8 year old. We went through puberty pretty much within a year of each other.

Ok the number of "me too"s on the maturity thing is really reassuring. Thanks guys

I think my sister being mistaken as older only started happening a few years ago, but wow it's pretty hard to mistake a 12 year old for an 8 year old..

I really do wonder whether transitioning would fix this maturity thing though (funny I say this since I'm not sure I'm trans yet), it sucks being this way. Just adds more to the feeling of not fitting in. Has anyone had this problem and seen it resolve itself post-transition?

[GnomeKid]

my best friend/girlfriend at the time outed me to myself.  Once she said it I knew it was true.  Put words to what I already knew.... but had just... let be. 

[KamTheMan]

My family kept getting on me about how I looked, asking if I wanted to be a boy like Chaz Bono. I said no no no. Then I went on YouTube and saw guys changing on T. And I knew.

[Ayden]

I've hesitated posting here, but only because I didn't know how to explain it.

I grew up a normal kid. I had no concept of gender at all. I grew up my young life in the deep country of Kentucky so I spent my time with the two other kids in a 14 mile radius of me and with dogs and horses. My life was animals and my family. When I was 9 I moved to San Pedro California due to my father going back into the military. Until that time I had only socialized with country boys. I met my best friend there, a woman I will call S. 

My home life wasn't great. If there are two people who should have never met its my parents. I'm glad I'm here, but really, my folks had no reason to ever meet. I started my period when I was 9 or 10, it's hazy now. I went to S's dad because he was the only adult I trusted. He explained what was happening and that it was normal. I didn't understand but I knew it was... Weird. Not the same as my friend, since I doubt periods ever make sense to any child.

I wore suits in high school and my dad just thought I loved people like Pat Benetar. When left home (for non-trans reasons but more for abuse reasons) I struggled with myself for years. I was 16 when I left and 19 when I heard FTM. I read everything I could. I remember even telling S and her dad who I grew to think of as my Papa. They accepted and told me that was just who I was. My husband was supportive when I started exploring packing and binding. I still didn't get it, but I had people, the most important people in my life, who accepted me.

My father said one stupid comment and I ran so fast back into the closet I don't even think the door was open.

When I was 23, I was struggling, drinking and crying myself to sleep. I had to be this person I was and I didn't know why but I did. On October 28th, after a Halloween party at my Uni my husband and I had a fight. He told me "I know this isn't you. Don't you remember a few years ago? You were so happy. You were you and I could see completely for the first time. That was the person I love. Not what you pretend to be. You need to fix this. Even if its not for us, for you. I can't watch you hurt anymore. And if you don't, I have to leave. I can't see who I love melt anyway into nothing."

The next day was silence in my house and the day after I had that scary thought. I'd rather be dead than see that face again in the mirror. I loved my life and my family and my friends. I remembered telling S's dad, Papa, I said, "this is wrong" and he told me all those years ago "no matter what, you're still you." I'm still me. I never felt more powerful and confident and happy than I did in that moment. Words from a decade previous and my whole life made sense.

Three years later I'm still with my husband, and we are happier than I thought was possible. S is my sister and best friend, and Papa is the best father I ever had.

Does my bio family accept me? No, not most of them. But the ones that matter? Yes, they do. I'm happy now. That's how I know that I am what I am. A few kind words from a man who probably didn't know what I was saying, a woman who loves me like a sibling and my husband who always saw me.

It isn't a clear story, and I guess that's my point. It's muddled and confusing and it turns out, that's just life. It's one weird symphony of absolute chaos. If you listen there is meaning, but you need to be ready to hear it.

Edited for spelling errors.