Hello everyone,
I'm very new to all of this and cannot tell you how lucky I am to have found a forum like this. I don't really know how to begin to explain what I've been feeling, so if it sounds like I'm just rambling on and making no sense at all, it's because that's exactly what's going on.
So, I guess I'll start off by saying that I'm very confused. I have always had this thought in the back of my mind that I was different. That I wasn't who I saw in the mirror. But I guess I never even thought that changing who I was in such a way could even be possible. I grew up in a christian home, and I always remembered people telling me that God created all of us the way we are for a reason. My thought was always, "Then why do I feel the way I do?"
I was born at 8:30pm, april 4, 1993, female.
Growing up, I was never like the other girls. I always played sports with the boys at school, and I remember them telling their parents, "She's just like one of us." It made me feel normal actually.
People also mistook me for a boy until I hit puberty and I started getting these awful curves.
I loved doing things my dad liked to do. Fishing, camping, playing sports, getting down and dirty. Since I was 5 years old, I can remember being out in the garage with him, helping him fix our cars and craft furniture. I remember feeling more comfortable with my shirt off, weather it was walking around the house or going swimming. I also remember my mom telling me to stop because it was "inappropriate." I didn't understand it, but I listened anyway.
Once I started school, I had my first crush. Her name was Cheyenne and she was my best friend. We would write letters to each other at school and she was so pretty to me! But there was this boy in my class that I always looked at. Not in a sense that I liked him, but that I wish I looked like him. He was the "popular kid" and everyone loved him. I wanted to be like him, but my family mistook my feelings as me having a crush on him, and made a big deal about it. It made me so uncomfortable because it didn't feel right to me.
A couple years went by and I had my second crush. She was the new girl in school, Chole. To this day, I don't know why I felt about her the way I did, but I swear I fell in love the moment I saw her. (Sorry about all the cheese..lol) I was crazy for her! But one day something happened. I tried to go up and talk to her, and she was totally stuck up and rude to me. After school, I went home and sat alone in my room for hours. My mom finally found me and brought me out to the kitchen where my sister was there doing homework. My mom asked me what was wrong, I started crying. I told her that there was a girl at school, and that I loved
her.My sister overheard me say this and all I could hear was her screaming "EWWWWWWW!"
I ran to my room and cried for the rest of the night.
It was then that I knew I wasn't normal, and it was then that I decided to ignore all these feelings that made me feel different. i ignored everything and just focused on school and sports.
6th grade came along. I was having trouble at home. My folks split, and my mom told me we would be moving to California after the school year. It was one of my darkest times and all I wanted was my friends to take my mind off of things. But they all stopped talking to me. They all got girlfriends and just kind of forgot about me. It was a terrible feeling. So I turned to church because I really had nothing else at that point. I made friends with a girl at my youth studies group. Her name was Missy, she and I were a lot alike, and she seemed to understand everything I was going through. I just remember telling myself repeatedly that I CAN NOT have a crush on this girl, I didn't allow myself to feel that way because it wasn't "normal." But I know I did anyway.
All this time, I thought I was just a lesbian, but even when I came out as one, I didn't feel right calling myself that. But I thought, "What else could I be?"
About a year ago, I started thinking, what if I AM a man?
I remember watching a video on youtube of a guys ftm transition story, it was very new to me because in the past I had only heard of mtf stories. I honestly didn't think it was possible for it to be the other way around (Don't ask, because I have no idea why I thought that.) It made me think, a lot. One day I saw a compression shirt at walmart, so I tried it on. My chest looked more masculine and I looked better in the clothes I wore (My whole wardrobe is male clothing.) I really liked the way I felt after that. I bought some other chest compression shirts online that fit a lot better and made my clothes fit even better.
I haven't told anyone what I've been going through, and it's been eating me up inside. But I'm just too scared to come out to anyone I know. I've been wanting to cut my hair, but I don't want anyone to think I'm just another "butch lesbian," because I know im not.
I've also been wanting to see a therapist so that maybe I can get some clarity, but again, I'm scared to tell anyone and I honestly don't know if I have the funds to do so.
I'm just so confused right now, and I'd really love it if y'all could shed a little light on me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. And im sorry for such a long intro. >.<
