I wish that I had shown signs of being transgender as a child. Even if people were far less understanding and tolerant 20 years, it would make sense to my parents (who don't know) which would make coming out much easier and it would make sense to me so it wouldn't feel like I just went down the rabbit hole. i'm not sure if this happens to other adults who come out to themselves , but when I used the word transgender to describe myself it felt like i stepped into a new universe. I have never been all that great at expressing emotions (there is a pretty good chance i have Asperger's), but i've never felt like this before. Some emotions were unexpected, like my reaction to cross-dressing. The first time i fully cross-dressed I thought it might just be a sexual thrill thing or i might feel highly embarrassed, instead it just felt like I was wearing the right clothes and i felt a little less uspet about my appearance. I've also never been so scared of what others might think of me or do to me or what i might do myself or what i might not do for myself. As as far as LGBT-phobia goes, the area i live isn't great and I had my first experience (immature brats trading schoolyard insults isn't nice, but doesn't really count) which was scary because i was the person being screamed at and you don't know if there just insulting you or if they intend to hurt you. Coming out to a very few close trusted people has been a relief and so far has kept me from doing anything more crazy than usual. Those have been some of my experiences when i acknowledged myself as trans, it would be really nice if others who discovered they were transgender as adults could describe what they felt when they came out to themselves.
