My name is Rachel. I live in a somewhat rural area, with not all that many transgender people. I am just discovering this part of me, although i have imagined myself as a woman before, and it was more than passing thoughts. How do i know i am actually transgender and not just crazy/insane/imagining things. I am scared that i am crazy and i am afraid of coming out and paying the price for being myself if i am transgender. I have been feeling very bad about having this body and living as a man for a long time now. I am not aware of showing signs of being transgender a child, so how can this happen as a young adult.

Hi and Welcome

A mod will be along in a while and make a post with lots of useful information.

Posting here is a great start to figuring out what's going on. If possible, finding a gender therapist, can really help. I know that may be hard in a rural area. the good news is you don't have to figure everything out at once and you are not crazy. Lot's of people go on this search.

Not everyone shows signs of being transgender when they are young. you'll here all sorts of different stories here about how people figured it out.

christopher

Hi Rachel,

A big warm welcome to Susan's Place. It's always nice to meet another sister and I hope to see you around the forums. There are many beautiful people here that have gone through or are going through the same feelings and emotions that you are. There is a vast array of information and some great resources on this site. Everything is right at your finger tips, so pull up a chair, relax and let your fingers do the walking. There are plenty of friends to made here. I wish you nothing but the best of luck on your journey and may the Angels always be looking upon you and help guide you on your path.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

I am living in NE Indiana. The bad news is that is that it is a conservative area and i am chained to the area with a job. The good news is that it takes only 2-4 hours to drive to several major cities (Chicago, Detroit area, Indianapolis). I heard from another trans woman that the nearest gender therapist is in Ann Arbor.

A big warm welcome to the family Rachel!  One thing I have learned is that trans people are everywhere girl. I have found them in my state (Oklahoma) in towns with as few as 1,800. I have found 10 in a 25 mile area from me and never knew they existed until I got deeper into trans groups. I think it will shock you when later on you start finding them near you. My best advice is to find a really good therapist preferably with gender experience. They can help you discover your true self and help with the process if you decide transition is for you. If you do find a therapist the second suggestion is to get in a real life support group. They are wonderful! As for one of your questions late recognition of being transgender is not uncommon at all so don't feel like you are not transgender just because it is hitting you now. Relax and dig right in girl! 

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Hi Rachel, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. The short answer is that not too many people who aren't transgender show up here questioning their gender. Get busy posting and I'll see you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Welcome Rachel to Susan's family.

Sad part we all need to pay a price being society is confused.

Day at a time and as said a good gender therapist will help make your progress smoother.

Welcome to Susan's, Rachel!

Hi Rachel, welcome dear and yes Mrs. Izzy is right!

9Thank you for the responses. I should probably let you get know me a little better. I was very depressed/dysphoric yesterday, but am feeling little better right now. I am a definitely a geek My interests are in the sciences (chemistry and microbiology), politics (just theory, I'm interested in politicians the way psychiatrists are interested in serial killers;)), a little bit of philosophy, and Kafka (for some reason "Metamorphosis" holds a special place in my heart) I am trying to develop an interest in fashion, which could be kind of making up for some lost time, but i am not exactly fashion obsessed either. This isn't my first transition in life either, a few years ago I became a Jew. I am usually a very quiet person,extreme introvert, and procrastinator, but many people think i have a good (and sometimes strange and off-color) sense of humor. This is the most difficult thing I've ever been through, but i hope to learn from others and hope to share more with all of you than by episodes of sadness and dysphoria.

Welcome to Susan's, Rachel. I was in my mid fifties when I discovered that I was transgender. Never had an inkling when I was a child nor did I ever put on an article of women's clothing. It was hidden from me. It's been nine years since that discovery and I've never been happier.

I wish that I had shown signs of being transgender as a child. Even if people were far less understanding and tolerant 20 years, it would make sense to my parents (who don't know) which would make coming out much easier and it would make sense to me so it wouldn't feel like I just went down the rabbit hole. i'm not sure if this happens to other adults who come out to themselves , but when I used the word transgender to describe myself it felt like i stepped into a new universe. I have never been all that great at expressing emotions (there is a pretty good chance i have Asperger's), but i've never felt like this before. Some emotions were unexpected, like my reaction to cross-dressing. The first time i fully cross-dressed I thought it might just be a sexual thrill thing or i might feel highly embarrassed, instead it just felt like I was wearing the right clothes and i felt a little less uspet about my appearance. I've also never been so scared of what others might think of me or do to me or what i might do myself or what i might not do for myself. As as far as LGBT-phobia goes, the area i live isn't great and I had my first experience (immature brats trading schoolyard insults isn't nice, but doesn't really count) which was scary because i was the person being screamed at and you don't know if there just insulting you or if they intend to hurt you. Coming out to a very few close trusted people has been a relief and so far has kept me from doing anything more crazy than usual. Those have been some of my experiences when i acknowledged myself as trans, it would be really nice if others who discovered they were transgender as adults could describe what they felt when they came out to themselves.

sorry about typos and post length.

I have gotten involved with an LGBT group in my area and will also be involved with a specifically trans group, but they don't meet often enough for my needs at the moment.