I get so lonely

[Releca]

Lately I have been feeling like there is something missing in my life. I'm married 6 years and enjoy spending time with my wife and friends but even with all of this I'm getting a great emptyness that leaves me feeling all alone and i don't know why. I have a therapist whom is helping with the small things but even that doesn't quite feel like its enough. I'm just not sure what to do when you feel all alone in a crowd of poeple and just want to break down crying in a corner yet longing for something more that is just out of reach so you can feel its there but just cant touch it. It may be depression talking but it feels like its something more just outside my grasp.

[Mark3]

It could be many things.?

You didn't mention any feelings about gender at all.?
Is that not a factor in your loneliness and feeling sad.?

[Releca]

That could be it. All I really understand is that I know something is missing in my life and the feeling keeps getting stronger. I'm wondering if this is the tipping point feeling my friends told me about and it leaves me wanting to be held and told everything will be alright but somehow I know it won't be just peaches and cream.  I've lost all sexual desire (not that I can with how bad my knees and back are anyway) and it sometimes even puts a strain on my relationship. The thoughts of going out as a real woman fill my thoughts more and more and it just leaves me in a mental state of AARRGG most of the time. I'm at the ultimate cross roads where if I stay where I'm at will I still be able to stay happy or if I transition my wife whom I love dearly becomes just a friend and I live on my own. Also is the second option really what will make me happy or will it just leave me feline, even sadder and more depressed about who I am.

I grew up with all these strong religious teachings where men are men and women are women. The man is the protector and can not cross the line and the woman is the caretaker and stays at home. Homosexuality is bad and yada yada yada. So when i sag I have always felt like a woman and find most men completely unattractive in any way shape or form I'm hit with more moral delemmas that I get lost in a sea of wrong ways because of this stupid teaching or that dumb rule. It feels like putting a circle on a square hole. So do i leave my wife with depression for my own happyness or do I work on the collective happyness of us both in a comprising relationship. I just don't know anymore and the line gets blurred quite fast.

[Releca]

Truth be told I'd really lime to look like her
<<<<< perhaps without the ears and tail. I haven't decided on that part yet and I wondrous if it's something that's possible within my life. If there may be talking points that can get my point across without both of us ending up in a ball of tears and felony worse about the situation and less opportunity for guilt trips to set in with "you chose to marry me and the agreement was you were going to be the husband" type things setting in.

[Shantel]

Truth be told I'd really lime to look like her
<<<<< perhaps without the ears and tail. I haven't decided on that part yet and I wondrous if it's something that's possible within my life. If there may be talking points that can get my point across without both of us ending up in a ball of tears and felony worse about the situation and less opportunity for guilt trips to set in with "you chose to marry me and the agreement was you were going to be the husband" type things setting in.

I've taken in the entire thread thus far and see myself in all of it and let me say that all things are possible! I began transition 20 years ago moving at warp speed toward womanhood. As you can see, I changed my gender designation partly out of expedience but mostly because I finally decided that for me to become a woman and live my life as a full on female was delusional thinking on my part because not only would I have to destroy a wonderful relationship, but that it would eventually eat me alive in a dozen different ways, loneliness was only one and I wasn't willing to endure it. I found a compromise and have become quite happy and content with where I am, we recently celebrated 45 years of happiness together and are closer than ever before because we took the time to patiently work through it. Not everyone is able and no one can condemn anyone who can't.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Releca

You say that you have a therapist who's helping with small things, but have you discussed gender issues at any point?   

If you were to think about what might be at the root of your depression, what would that be?  My point is that maybe gender is a key part of your depression, but maybe it's something else, and gender is an issue, but not necessarily the main one.

Something that's terribly hard to do, and absolutely vital for those of us who want to embark on some type of trans journey is to be absolutely honest with ourselves.  It's quite probably the hardest thing I ever did, but I owed it to myself to find the truth that I was desperate to hide from myself, and it took 18 months of hard effort with a number of therapists.  That particular discovery was vital, but yes, it can tell you things about yourself that maybe you'd prefer not to know.  For me personally, it was a revelation, and it took me 20 years before I was ready to act.

You appear to be feeling the pressure of needing to confirm, of being normal, of being the husband, but I urge you to see how you can just be you, and not be conditioned by social or religious expectations.  It's no miracle cure, but if you are being true to yourself, it often allows people to get closer to you, and that too brings a degree of self-fulfillment.

Does some of this make a little sense?
Hugs
Julia

[Releca]

Shantel I understand how you feel quite a bit as well. I'm trying to see if I can save my marriage as part of the deal but also working on finding a way I feel comfortable in my own skin. I've struggled with wanting to be a woman since I was still quite young. (Between 6 and 10 possibly sooner) and just came to the conclusion that I didn't have an option so I fell back on my religious principles and even got married but the more I learn the more I wonder and if i had known before I met my wife I would have already been female no questions asked.

Julia I'm actually seeing a therapist specifically for my gender issue and I'm working with her to see ways I can be happy as I am or if I'm already beyond that in my choice plus ways to meet my wife half way its going to be a long battle I know plus she seems to be hellbent on only accepting me as a cis male when I know in my heart I'm not and IRS creating a bit of a rift.

[BlaineGame]

Maybe you need spiritual guidance? Maybe you need to be more religious (whatever your religion is). I find that becoming connected with my religion helps with the loneliness. I think your religion could help you deal with all the confusion and hurt you're feeling but that's just my opinion.

[Shantel]

Maybe you need spiritual guidance? Maybe you need to be more religious (whatever your religion is). I find that becoming connected with my religion helps with the loneliness. I think your religion could help you deal with all the confusion and hurt you're feeling but that's just my opinion.

Always a good idea as we all have a spiritual component that often goes unrecognized and ignored, there are many here who are believers in a Greater Power and who find much inner comfort knowing that they are not alone and have a sense of purpose and destiny.

[Releca]

Could be some religious aspects are missing from my life we haven't gone to church in quite a long time due to my wife's anxiety issue of being in groups of people and now my work schedule being every weekend. One of my major concerns though with religion right now is also it states you are born whom you're supposed to be because God can't make mistakes and when I  asked before about those whom are gay or trans and my response was quite disturbing. So much so I don't feel comfortable repeating it here. I chose the religion partly to find a place where I can feel god and partly to try to run away from my feelings but that only allowed me to hide them from public view but not from myself. It was enough even up to the point where I was walking down the isle I was still questioning if I was male or not because it felt wrong.

You see all my life I've wanted to have no facial hair. I think beards are gross, during puberty especially I wanted to grow a nice rack like all my friends were at the time and I've always wondered why I have a penis instead of a vagina. These are my struggles and I wondrler in Parr if going back to religion would be a food thing or an excuse to go into hiding again. One other point is my wife wants me to go into therapy for depression and trans but the getsbon me every month about without my insurance covering it 100% perhaps I should hold off and wait when we have up to 200 usd free each check. I'm thinking more of instead of needing g a person or foundation that I'm longing for someone or something that can truly understand what I'm going through without ridicule or pushing me. I've got a few friends whom both already are on hormones and both say I should go for it I'd be happier if I go forward with transitioning but I'd feel completely wrong just making a one sided choice in a long term relationship.

I've only seen my therapist twice so far but she seems to be working on an approach of I'll give a kind shoulder to cry on but is not giving much advice. Then again that may change once I've seen her a bit more.

[Shantel]

Could be some religious aspects are missing from my life we haven't gone to church in quite a long time due to my wife's anxiety issue of being in groups of people and now my work schedule being every weekend. One of my major concerns though with religion right now is also it states you are born whom you're supposed to be because God can't make mistakes and when I  asked before about those whom are gay or trans and my response was quite disturbing. So much so I don't feel comfortable repeating it here. I chose the religion partly to find a place where I can feel god and partly to try to run away from my feelings but that only allowed me to hide them from public view but not from myself. It was enough even up to the point where I was walking down the isle I was still questioning if I was male or not because it felt wrong.

We can all relate to that experience and it is a shame that there are so many rock throwers in churches and even behind pulpits, it ought not to be so and I think Jesus will have the finale word on that soon enough. As for now you and I and all the others can still commune with G-d on our own personal level and find that such an unrestricted relationship can be most comforting in light of what we all have to endure in this life.

You see all my life I've wanted to have no facial hair. I think beards are gross, during puberty especially I wanted to grow a nice rack like all my friends were at the time and I've always wondered why I have a penis instead of a vagina. These are my struggles and I wondrler in Parr if going back to religion would be a food thing or an excuse to go into hiding again.

Being religious having to follow rules often devised by self-righteous fakes and people with a controlling agenda is never profitable and only leads to more abuse and pain. On the other hand being spiritual and meeting G-d within the privacy of your own mind and heart and having those little spiritual chats between you and your spouse is always preferable and you will find it acceptable to your creator as well because you will experience inner peace over turmoil. There's not a person here that doesn't completely identify with your feelings about trans-ness and unwanted body parts that we feel shouldn't be a part of who we are.

One other point is my wife wants me to go into therapy for depression and trans but the getsbon me every month about without my insurance covering it 100% perhaps I should hold off and wait when we have up to 200 usd free each check. I'm thinking more of instead of needing g a person or foundation that I'm longing for someone or something that can truly understand what I'm going through without ridicule or pushing me. I've got a few friends whom both already are on hormones and both say I should go for it I'd be happier if I go forward with transitioning but I'd feel completely wrong just making a one sided choice in a long term relationship.

I've only seen my therapist twice so far but she seems to be working on an approach of I'll give a kind shoulder to cry on but is not giving much advice. Then again that may change once I've seen her a bit more.

I have to commend you for being considerate of your spouse and rightly so. My best personal advice is to spend a lot of time talking with her about what you are feeling and how much you care for her and want to be able to work through these things with her. As for counselors, they can be rather cool at first, eventually once they begin to know and understand you more completely they tend to warm up and offer helpful advice. Meanwhile if you can't afford it ask if it is possible to get counseling on a sliding scale based on your real time ability to pay. If not, you always have the rest of us here to bounce your thoughts and concerns off of, don't be afraid to bring things up even if you think they seem kind of goofy.