I need advice......Badly!

[Jessica Merriman]

Pardon me first if this topic is rambly in any way as it is an extremely hard one for me to post.

I have run into a HUGE roadblock in therapy and have no idea what to do about it. It was mentally devastating to me and I broke down the whole hour. My problem is with myself and not being able to accept myself as far as the birth defect. It started out as a good session, but revealed a problem with my thoughts. It turned when we started to talk about future relationships which is something we have not really touched on to this point. Being retired and on a very fixed poverty level paycheck and with Medicare refusing to adequately reimburse surgeons for SRS I know I will never get to have it. I have to some degree accepted that fact. The question I was  presented is how will this affect my future as far as any possible romantic relationships. Suddenly it hit me. I have always had plans for post op, but never plans for what if it is not possible. Reality hit me at that point. I will be a non op transgirl the rest of my life. I started to cry and he asked me why. I told him I could never be with anyone as a non op. I was asked why and I told the therapist someone on a very off chance may accept me this way, but I can't. The reason in my mind may be illogical and it is because I would always worry in my mind the person was only with me for the birth defect and not my heart and love. I am a woman and women do not have that ugly dangling wart, but are beautiful creatures whole and natural. I feel the minute I revealed myself to someone it would be all over for me because of my embarrassment over being deformed. This led to the discussion being directed to how I am with others now. It was discovered that I am sabotaging any attempts from people to get to know me. I look back and see how I direct the attention of someone talking to me to others and suggest they are prettier, younger  and more vital and alive than I am. The thought now of being intimate with someone  and them seeing me as I am sickens me. I am literally my worst enemy. This compounds my fears of being alone and is driving me to a dark place that I do not want to go to. I know my thoughts should not be this way and it bothers me I cannot get past this roadblock. Has anyone been in this situation and have any advice for dealing with this? Yes, I am working with my therapist on this, but he is not trans so I want someone's opinion who may have had these feelings and how you overcame them. Thank you even if it is just reading this. 

[Athena]

Hugs
I doubt I could help you over all but right now try to get to if not a happy place then to some place that you are comfortable with. Spend time with your son and go out have a good time try to get rid of relationship stress for the time being and later on after you have had time to rest (couple months imo) then revisit this question with a clearer mind. You are recovering from a massive poo storm, now is not the time to stress out over things.

[Pikachu]

All I can really say is that some people really do see you for you. I used to feel way worse about being non-op than I do now. My partner took all my fears away and made me feel beautiful, even if I am stuck with parts I'm not particularly thrilled with. I know she only sees a normal woman when she looks at me, and that made me feel so, so much better about myself.

*hugs* I wish I could help more. I know others will probably have more useful things to say, but I at least wanted you to know that I read your post and I care.

[MelissaAnn]

Oh sweetie here is a big (((hug))) from me. I'm in the same boat as you and all I can do is hope and pray that there will be a surgeon some day that will take us. I'm going to keep on fighting for this any way that I can. We should team up and fight this together...! what do you say??? Hang in there honey the tomorrow is another day.

Melissa Ann

[mrs izzy]

Its way to early to give up.

I sent a PM

Hugs.

[Ms Grace]

Hugs, Jessica. It sounds like it was a very difficult but very important therapy session. The good thing is that you are now aware of a destructive self sabotaging behaviour and can hopefully remember to stop yourself next time you notice yourself doing it (not easy at first, but with practice...)

I take your point about the defect, likewise I see mine as a massive impediment to having a relationship (my current self sabotaging behaviour is to not even bother looking for someone). But I do feel, rightly or wrongly, that if I put some effort into it I'd probably do OK. Accepting myself, defect and all, as a caring loving person was the first important step. I hope to get SRS next year, but I guess if I can't I'm going to have to deal with that. Anyone would be lucky to be in a relationship with me, and the same for you Jessica. You are not your defect, you are a passionate, caring woman. You're going through a rough patch I know, but things should pick up, you deserve to be happy and be in a relationship with someone who accepts you for who you are, but that acceptance has to come from yourself first.

...women ... are beautiful creatures whole and natural.

Yeah, I dunno. I've met some rather hideous women. And the ones that look beautiful on the outside are quite often the ugliest on the inside anyway.

But also there are also many unfortunate women who have other birth defects or scars as the result of accidents or attacks, it doesn't make them less of a woman just as our defect doesn't.

[Jess42]

Oh Sis. Just be yourself. If someone doesn't like it, screw them. Radblocksyou put up to protect your self from what you think you need to be protected from.

And yes some women have that "ugly thing" dangling. That isn't what makes a woman hon. OK so I know I will probagbly get a warning but Bailey Jay can pretty much have any man she wants (look at all the so called straight fuys on youtube replying to videos of hers)and she has the "ugly thing". It is what is inside that counts. You don't have to end up alone. That is an unfounded fear. There is always someone that will accept and see you for you. But in the same token you have to see them for them. Everyone has faults and something that we may not like to much in them but that is the key to finding love is accepeting what you don't like about them right along with what you do like about them. That is what leads to real and true love. Not physical genders or past life experiences.

Jessica, you are not deformed. You are you. And you are Jessica,now roar like a lioness and stop it, OK?

[Devlyn]

Big hug! It sounds like the therapy is working to me, you're figuring out your issues. I'm not sure why you said this: "I will be a non op transgirl the rest of my life" You'll be a non-op transgirl until you come up with the funding or the insurance changes. What do we always say about those permanent answers and solutions?

Just keep your eyes on the prize: A happy you.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Jessica Merriman]

I am not giving up on life, so please don't take this topic that way at all. I am just having a lot of anguish over things in the now with no foreseeable relief. I fought this long ti live, so I sure am not going to throw life away now. 

[Rachel]

Is there a way you could get private insurance, say as a domestic partner, that covers GRS? Maybe there is a Paramedic or firefighter that would love to meet you. You have so much to offer an open minded partner. I think you underestimate just how unique and beautiful you are and how much you have to offer.

[Tessa James]

Oh Jessica you are so awesome to be so vulnerable and share your harsh reality stuff with us.  First, you admirably own it and you know that is huge cause you're the only one who can make the critical difference in how you look at yourself.  Even if you are currently in a non op place you know you are not your genitals or the wart as you say.  I hope you will take a chance on romance.  Dating is that dance of disclosure and a long engagement period may help you identify what is important to both of you.  Would you want some guy who would dump you cause your trans, preop or not, anyway?  You also know of some very successful non op girls here that have maintained intimate partners or found new love.  You can do it too.  We believe in you!

Hang on Sweetie

[Devlyn]

I am not giving up on life, so please don't take this topic that way at all. I am just having a lot of anguish over things in the now with no foreseeable relief. I fought this long ti live, so I sure am not going to throw life away now. 

I know you're not, I was just saying don't give up on surgery and your goals just because you can't see the way now.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Jo-is-amazing]

Oh Jess I know how you feel entirely
I've never been in any form of relationship, but I hope i can only say that for a.little while longer. You are an incredible woman defect or no, and you deserve to be loved by someone who accepts you wholeheartedly in every conceivable way!!!!

And where there's a will there's a way
Just cause srs is not possible as of right now doesn't mean that you'll never get there, just plan for the the worst and hope for the best <3

[Jade_404]

I just want to say, there are people that are attracted to pre-op, my friend is she likes it. I know some guys that like it. I find pre-op attractive as well. I can look past the deformity and I don't think I will remove/change mine. What does that make me? You have to love yourself before you can let others love you. I think we all have that to learn. 

Sorry if what I said is odd or offensive, I am not trying to be.

Love,
Jade

[Jessica Merriman]

I am secure in myself and know someone will be lucky to have me. Hope that doesn't sound too full of myself. Anyway, it is not their problem it is mine. That stupid birth defect is the single biggest cause of misery in my life. Total Dysphoria overload. I want it gone like Explorers want leeches off of them. Someone else may accept it, but like I said I can't. G-D it is so gross and icky. If you see a sale on blenders somewhere PM me. Blenders take Medicare!!

[Beth Andrea]

For me, if I or my the*apist encounters a major emotional element, it's best to "let it go" for awhile. You may have discovered this prematurely--even if only by a few days--and now it seems to have overwhelmed you.

*hugs*

Breathe, let go of the constant "defect" mindset--you are perfect as you are. And yes, there are people out there (male and female, in-between or themselves) who will accept YOU, regardless of any part or part-less-ness.

Breathe, find a peaceful place in you, and learn to accept "that part." It is, after all, a part of you, whether or not it is a defect.

[Just Shelly]

I wish I could say something to help! But I'm in the same boat. I am very lonely and try not to dwell on the fact I will be alone the rest of my life.....and its my own damn fault. The thing is I am happy with who I am, and experience life as any other woman my age does....until it comes to intimacy But like you said...my dysphoria with what I have left creates much insecurity within me.

So many people think I live such a great life, many woman even appear jealous and treat me like I'm some bitch. I know this because some have gotten to know me and are surprised that I am so nice. I think I also intimidate men...though this is a shock to me!! Many times on dating sites I get replies thinking my profile is fake....or at least my pics..... Ya nuts! I sure wouldn't put a pic of me on if it was fake! I do try and date and do as much as any other female....but once things get so far I have to say goodbye. I have tried to be truthful, but the same outcome happens

What makes things even worse, is the feeling I have when I self gratify. It has become so intense, it feels 100% female! One may ask how do I know? Well its as if I have had them like this all my life and they feel so natural. TMI but they do not involve any anal penetration, its all with basically what would be my clit :/ Sorry to bring this up, but its also something that causes me much dysphoria, on one hand the pleasure of them and the feeling of being literally being penetrated is so intense, but after I then realize what it is I really have

I can't say that having GRS will completely change everything, I still can't hide my past. But like you I know it would make me feel 110% more secure with being a normal woman. I'm about 95% secure now! We will get there girl!! someday, somehow, we will

[Jess42]

I am secure in myself and know someone will be lucky to have me. Hope that doesn't sound too full of myself. Anyway, it is not their problem it is mine. That stupid birth defect is the single biggest cause of misery in my life. Total Dysphoria overload. I want it gone like Explorers want leeches off of them. Someone else may accept it, but like I said I can't. G-D it is so gross and icky. If you see a sale on blenders somewhere PM me. Blenders take Medicare!!

OMG. Sis, The first part had me cheering.  The last part tough kind of lost me. I read the first part and was thinking, "Oh hell yeah." The second part though? Warning: Dont make me cry. But seriously though, please don't make me cry. It is way too easy for me.

The first part you really need to instill in yourself. Foget the latter part. Who cares? Really though, who cares? Any guy worth their manhood would with you. I do have to add as long as you are compatable with each other. The truth is sometimes two people aren't compatable with one another. God knows I've had my share of guys and girls that were not compatable with me. Then move on to the next.

Yeah. It is not a birth defect as much as you have to overcome it. So my clitoris is XXL. I can still make a man feel like a man and then some in other ways than having a "V". OMFG. I just can't go in further detail. That was embarassing enough. But sis, never give up. Love is something special, never to be taken lightly and usually when you least expect it, it will kick you in the butt and then take your breath away. But you have to be open to it though. Does ay of that male sense. He may not be an Adonis but maybe perfect for you. I.ve been in relationships tha I though " no way" when they hit on me. But the personality was extremely compatable with mine.

Never give up. We all would all love to have lovers tha looked like Brad Pitt but the truth is we and even cis women don't have lovers that look like Brad. Unless you are Angelina Jolie. OMG . There are transwomen way prettier than her anyway. But love is love. 

[Cindy]

Hi Honey,

I'm going to take a slightly different tack. I think your therapy session has been profoundly important and also underscore something that we all tend to forget. Your ability to have a meaningful relationship with a man is not really changed by having a vagina. If a guy wants you as a friend, partner, supporter and lover, he wants you because you fulfill those aspects of his life. Similarly in choosing a man I have never checked out what his penis looks like as a requirement to being attracted to him. What is between his ears is far more important than what is between his legs.

Your success or lack of success with men won't really change post surgery. I know many post op women who are looking but haven't found a partner. Surgery is not the 'get out of gaol' card, it is obviously something that many of us desire. But please don't make it the end game for forming a relationship.

That said the frustration of not being able to get your surgery at the moment is totally understandable; but it is something that can be worked on; at least I hope it is because I'm a 100 days away and flat broke so I need to find the 'something' pretty damn quickly.

This journey is incredibly complicated, I don't recognise myself from six months ago, I doubt that I will in another six, so never give in, never stop pushing, and when you do meet Mr right, he will be one very lucky guy.

[Danielle Emmalee]

women do not have that ugly dangling wart

Ouch. Some do and there's nothing wrong with that.