Hello,
First of all, I should mention that English isn't my native language, so don't hesitate to correct me if my sentences don't make any sense. Anyway, I've finally decided to post my story on the Internet !
Quick portray of myself: My actual name is William (I haven't found a feminine name/nickname yet), I'm 22 years old and I'm transitioning from male to female. This winter i'll go to college so I will keep progressing in life (by doing the basic courses). I've left my home town to go to college. That's probably the best decision I took in my life so far, because nobody knows me now and college/apartment life is so different and "liberating". I like playing video games and strangely I kinda like doing the chores.
I started questioning my gender identity while I was in high school, so I guess I'm kinda in the "late-teenage self-discovery group". I was only able to start expressing my femininity when I moved to a different city, because small towns aren't very lgbt friendly. Since October, I progressed very quickly by making changes to my appearance, which include full-body shaving, concealing unwanted beard shadows, applying make-up, wearing wigs (because I'm losing my hair near the forehead and they are still too short), switching male clothing for female clothing, correcting my walk, etc. I went shopping in the women clothing departments, which is something I was proud of because I was able to put my fear behind even if I have social anxiety (diagnosed by my doctor). Basically, I'm living full-time as a woman now. However, in the last weeks the anxiety kicked in and I didn't left my room for a long time. I'm on antidepressant (Citalopram, aka Celexa) since 2013. It definitely works because I don't have panic attacks anymore. Right now I can't see my doctor because he's too far away and he's very, very busy (it takes months before seeing him). However, I was able to meet a sexologist in college that provided a lot of useful links and resources for me.
I haven't seen a gender therapist yet, because the nearest one is too far from where I live and I simply can't afford the cost of transportation and the actual sessions. So I'm basically doing my best to be "the real me", without hormonal therapy or laser hair removal. I do have some financial issue, mainly because I used most of my student loans already. My parents are able to pay for my room (it's very cheap and small but it's just fine for me) and provide some food sometimes. I don't eat much (I'm underweight) and I can only afford cheap food (soup, some bread, peanut butter, pastas, etc.). I don't have a job, mainly because of my social anxiety. On the positive side it gives me all the time I need to work on my myself.
I did my coming out to my parents and it went bad. At first they didn't want to talk to me at all. My mother was in the "Are you sure you're not just gay?" way of thinking and my dad was so disappointed he left the room. They told me they would like to see me again, but not "as a woman". As for November, they still want me to return "in the closet" so they can see me again. I refuse to do that, so I haven't seen them for weeks.
There are three things that are bothering me at the moment: My name, college coming soon and my sexual orientation/love life. I'm having a very hard time deciding on a name for myself, because I can't feminize my legal name (William). I kinda have to hurry up because college starts in January and as the sexologist said, it would be good to provide an appropriate name to the teachers and other students so they don't get too confused when they want to talk to me. Also I'm conscious that I do not pass and that people may see me as a cross-dresser or some sort of monster/weirdo. I think I will have to explain the same things about me over and over to most students. It's very tiring. Personally I don't really care if I don't pass or not, the only thing that bothers me is if people laugh at me or are violent. So far only two young women laughed in my back while I was walking to college, I didn't like it but I just kept walking. I'm the kind of person that don't turn around to see if people are making funny faces in my back. I experienced violence, psychological abuse and bullying in my childhood, so it made me kinda strong minded but relatively shy and introvert.
I'm very lonely and I kinda feel unloved too. I have one friend that I chat with, he knows I have issues with my gender identity. He might be my new roommate in January. On the love/romantic side, I've never been in a relationship. I'm not sure if I like men or women or both. I constantly ask myself "Who would like a non-passing transgender like me ?". Honestly, I don't really believe in love, but I do believe in friendship and I would like to make friends.
Anyway, I should post the message because I've been writing, reading and correcting my message for like 3 hours or so. My brain is tired too.
Thanks for your time (^^)
