Hello,

First of all, I should mention that English isn't my native language, so don't hesitate to correct me if my sentences don't make any sense. Anyway, I've finally decided to post my story on the Internet !   

Quick portray of myself: My actual name is William (I haven't found a feminine name/nickname yet), I'm 22 years old and I'm transitioning from male to female. This winter i'll go to college so I will keep progressing in life (by doing the basic courses). I've left my home town to go to college. That's probably the best decision I took in my life so far, because nobody knows me now and college/apartment life is so different and "liberating". I like playing video games and strangely I kinda like doing the chores.

I started questioning my gender identity while I was in high school, so I guess I'm kinda in the "late-teenage self-discovery group".  I was only able to start expressing my femininity when I moved to a different city, because small towns aren't very lgbt friendly. Since October, I progressed very quickly by making changes to my appearance, which include full-body shaving, concealing unwanted beard shadows, applying make-up, wearing wigs (because I'm losing my hair near the forehead and they are still too short), switching male clothing for female clothing, correcting my walk, etc. I went shopping in the women clothing departments, which is something I was proud of because I was able to put my fear behind even if I have social anxiety (diagnosed by my doctor). Basically, I'm living full-time as a woman now. However, in the last weeks the anxiety kicked in and I didn't left my room for a long time. I'm on antidepressant (Citalopram, aka Celexa) since 2013. It definitely works because I don't have panic attacks anymore. Right now I can't see my doctor because he's too far away and he's very, very busy (it takes months before seeing him). However, I was able to meet a sexologist in college that provided a lot of useful links and resources for me.

I haven't seen a gender therapist yet, because the nearest one is too far from where I live and I simply can't afford the cost of transportation and the actual sessions. So I'm basically doing my best to be "the real me", without hormonal therapy or laser hair removal. I do have some financial issue, mainly because I used most of my student loans already. My parents are able to pay for my room (it's very cheap and small but it's just fine for me) and provide some food sometimes. I don't eat much (I'm underweight) and I can only afford cheap food (soup, some bread, peanut butter, pastas, etc.). I don't have a job, mainly because of my social anxiety. On the positive side it gives me all the time I need to work on my myself.

I did my coming out to my parents and it went bad. At first they didn't want to talk to me at all. My mother was in the "Are you sure you're not just gay?" way of thinking and my dad was so disappointed he left the room. They told me they would like to see me again, but not "as a woman". As for November, they still want me to return "in the closet" so they can see me again. I refuse to do that, so I haven't seen them for weeks.

There are three things that are bothering me at the moment: My name, college coming soon and my sexual orientation/love life. I'm having a very hard time deciding on a name for myself, because I can't feminize my legal name (William). I kinda have to hurry up because college starts in January and as the sexologist said, it would be good to provide an appropriate name to the teachers and other students so they don't get too confused when they want to talk to me. Also I'm conscious that I do not pass and that people may see me as a cross-dresser or some sort of monster/weirdo. I think I will have to explain the same things about me over and over to most students. It's very tiring. Personally I don't really care if I don't pass or not, the only thing that bothers me is if people laugh at me or are violent. So far only two young women laughed in my back while I was walking to college, I didn't like it but I just kept walking. I'm the kind of person that don't turn around to see if people are making funny faces in my back. I experienced violence, psychological abuse and bullying in my childhood, so it made me kinda strong minded but relatively shy and introvert.

I'm very lonely and I kinda feel unloved too. I have one friend that I chat with, he knows I have issues with my gender identity. He might be my new roommate in January. On the love/romantic side, I've never been in a relationship. I'm not sure if I like men or women or both. I constantly ask myself "Who would like a non-passing transgender like me ?". Honestly, I don't really believe in love, but I do believe in friendship and I would like to make friends.

Anyway, I should post the message because I've been writing, reading and correcting my message for like 3 hours or so. My brain is tired too. 

Thanks for your time (^^)

Hello and welcome

Wilma is as close to William, when regards to a feminine name.  As far as sexual orientation goes, would you think to be considered lesbian.. liking other women?  or straight, liking men?  Have to deep down find what is most appealing to you.  You could just be bisexual and like both men and women   Once you're comfortable, could date a woman and a man and see what physical attributes you like the most.  Masculine or feminine. 

Keep your chin up, you'll get there one day.  Everyone here is very helpful if need someone to communicate with.  Take care sweetie

Ecarlate
Welcome to Susan's family.
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Izzy

Hi Ecarlate, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. Let us know as soon as you choose your new name, it's an important step for so many of us. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Ecarlate,

A big warm welcome to Susan's place you will find many beautiful people here going through or have gone through the same feelings in the issues you are there is a vast amount of information along with some great resources to be found here. It's always nice to welcome another sister to our family and I agree that Wilma would be a good feminine version of William and that's the direction you want to go. I wish you nothing but the best of luck on your journey and may the Angels always look upon you and help guide you on your path.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

Hello dear, welcome to Susan's big family, you might consider "Willow or Willa" both are feminine names.

Bonjour, écarlate!  Je pense que "Scarlet" est un beau nom!!

Hi!  As for a name, if you are wanting to stay close to William, I think Shantel's idea of Willow or Willa is very unique and feminine.  Otherwise, maybe you could find inspiration from a favorite artist or musician...or maybe a performer or actor...or maybe a favorite character from a book or film? I don't think non-TG people can understand how important and difficult it is to find a name that fits your true self.

It also sounds like you have a healthy attitude regarding how other's regard you, but I know it is still very difficult to deal with the strange looks and attitudes of those not as enlightened as us.  Just know that it will get better.  I am sorry for your family's issues with you as well...again, maybe a little time will help them sort things out and understand you are still the wonderful child they have always had.

As for your sexual orientation/love life, it's never easy in the beginning.  You can seek out friendships and let things unfold naturally...and when comfortable, SAFELY explore your sexuality. 

There are a lot of good resources here, especially in the people who have already been through the trials and tribulations you are experiencing now. 

Tout le meilleur!   

Quote from: Ecarlate on November 14, 2014, 10:53:35 AM
There are three things that are bothering me at the moment: My name, college coming soon and my sexual orientation/love life. I'm having a very hard time deciding on a name for myself, because I can't feminize my legal name (William).

Hi there! Welcome to the family.

I'll tell you this, I have been flip flopping around with my name since childhood. Some of my choices did not match my original name (Ryan). I chose a good few, tried them on, couldn't settle on them. For example - Alice, Alicia, Rihanna, Rae-ann, Ryana (people would call me that), Summer, Autumn, Annie, Kimberly, Kate. I eventually settled on Renee with help from some of the wonderful family here. Kate is/was a placeholder but I'm going to use Katherine as a middle name.

So don't think feminizing your name has to be your final name. You could choose something totally different or something very similar. I figured it would be better to keep my initials for a number of reasons. But as mentioned, for William, there is Wilma, Willemina and variations. It might however be a good idea to look up names from around the year you were born. If you are in the USA, that information can be found from social security.

QuoteI kinda have to hurry up because college starts in January and as the sexologist said, it would be good to provide an appropriate name to the teachers and other students so they don't get too confused when they want to talk to me.

Good advice. My therapist told me that I should choose a name ASAP. It was also a good concrete step to get the ball rolling with transition (if that is your goal).

QuoteAlso I'm conscious that I do not pass and that people may see me as a cross-dresser or some sort of monster/weirdo. I think I will have to explain the same things about me over and over to most students. It's very tiring. Personally I don't really care if I don't pass or not, the only thing that bothers me is if people laugh at me or are violent. So far only two young women laughed in my back while I was walking to college, I didn't like it but I just kept walking. I'm the kind of person that don't turn around to see if people are making funny faces in my back. I experienced violence, psychological abuse and bullying in my childhood, so it made me kinda strong minded but relatively shy and introvert.

Passing is my fear as well, but the reality is that even if you're a cis woman people will scrutinize your appearance. People laugh. Even before I started doing anything towards transition I would be conscious of people laughing at me. You learn to deal with it. Starting at 22 should have some advantage as hormones work better when you're younger and you have an earlier start in your social life as a female.

QuoteI'm very lonely and I kinda feel unloved too. I have one friend that I chat with, he knows I have issues with my gender identity. He might be my new roommate in January. On the love/romantic side, I've never been in a relationship. I'm not sure if I like men or women or both. I constantly ask myself "Who would like a non-passing transgender like me ?". Honestly, I don't really believe in love, but I do believe in friendship and I would like to make friends.

All I can say is improve yourself and beyond that, just accept yourself. I never had a serious relationship until I was 22 and I married her (big mistake, she was literally crazy). As for who you like, what you like, you'll discover that as time goes on. Your therapist will be a good guide for you and help you along.

Good luck!

Allô et bienvenue Écarlate
T'es trouvée la bonne place ici, p'tite soeur. Franchement, ton anglais, c'est bien mieux que mon français. En tous cas, au profit des autre ici (pis toé too), je vais continuer en anglais...

Au question du nom, n'inquiétes pas, ça vas arriver. Oops... supposed to be l'autre langue... Don't worry about the name, that will happen when it happens. It will come to you in a flash and when it does you will know it. I like Shan's suggestions, to which I will add Willemina, Wilhelmina, Wendy, Whitney and Weslyn.

About your hair line, you can get minoxidil at Costco, you don't need an Rx for it, it might be helpful. (Mod Squad: am I allowed to say that here?)

Don't give up on your parents, they just need more time.

College, CEGEP, well, that is an adventure You should look at it like a door opening, exposing you to a new world. There is so much to discover about the world around you and about yourself. You need to stay on top of your studies, but n'oublies pas, amuse toi bien aussi. You are going to meet people, some who are going through the same thing you are.

A job... you might be able to find something where you don't have to deal so much with the public. I worked for a prof when I was in school. It didn't pay as much as working in a restaurant or in retail, but it was interesting and quiet.

Some colleges have a student health centre where you can get councelling gratuit. Also, you may find a trans resource place at your college that could help. You have options, ma chère.

So, like I said before, you have found the right place here little sister. I have met a lot of super people here, people who have helped me get through some rough patches, people I have laughed with, cried with, felt more alive with. You can grow here. You have friends here.

(((hugs)))
-ellie

First, thanks a lot lovely people for the welcome. (^^)

As for the name "Wilma", I have to admit it's pretty rare where I live so it would kinda stand out a little bit too much.
I find "Caroline" to be a pretty name. I like "Alice" too, but for someone that still as some masculine facial features, it's a bit too... how to say... girly ? 

As for who I like... we will see. Give it some time, like some of you said.

I will continue to consult the specialists in college just to make sure everything stays stable. The college also offers jobs at the little supply "shop". But I might also consider volunteering or joining a school club. I can't wait for college to start.

Also, coucou les amies francophones ! 

Welcome to Susan's, Ecarlate.