when you just can't handle it anymore and break

[Satinjoy]

I know I have lost the handle and that I am scared to the redline.

Full transition, partial, stealth, dysphoria, family, social stigma,  brave people of trans taking the world on, their families, themselves.

It can be too much.

How do you get through the day my dear ones?  How do you set yourselves free?

I  still shocked at the depth of the rage I felt this week, it was like a half century of stuffed fury exploded on forum.

Now the fear has me.

Which means phones, as meetings, distractions, embarrassment, self pity, and ultimately self examination, prayer, apologies if appropriate, and still standing our ground as the Nonbinary children of trans.

This stuff is incredibly big and serious.  I need my big trans brothers and sisters and moms and dads and Grande and aunts uncle's and God.

You carry me when I no longer can.

And I will try to carry you.

Love to all here.

Blessings

Satinjoy

[adrian]

I can carry you a part of the way, Satinjoy.

It's fall here where I am, and we have a beautiful steely gray sky at the moment, and the leaves on the trees are bright red and yellow. We can walk through the forest and breathe the cool, mossy-smelling air. It's very calm and quiet there and our steps are muffled by the leaves on the ground. We breathe in the calm and peacefulness with deep breaths. In the sky, there's this brighter spot where the sun is hidden beneath the gray blanket that's the sky. It's not coming out, but we know it's there and it can warm us. We just have to keep on walking for a little longer.

[Satinjoy]

Thank you dear.

The best outcome of the thread is helping all of us, I don't want the spotlight right now.

And again thank you.

[Dread_Faery]

Have you tried expressing that rage? Edge mentioned writing a letter to the part of him that criticises, I did similar for my biologicals and I'm reading something of ativan's that's similar.

No one has to read it, but just codifying it into words can help make sense of it.

[Satinjoy]

Afraid I would trigger myself again, but great idea.  Maybe just see what I am mad at.  I think I stuff it too much.

Thanks.

[Tessa James]

Satinjoy you are smart and resourceful and stress turning to distress will always be part of our lives.  Many of us have benefitted from techniques such as mindful meditation, self hypnosis, guided imagery, vigorous physical work outs or a walk on the beach.  Bring yourself to a familiar safe place physically or emotionally and dwell in that peace.  Start with deep breaths and let the peace wash over you in colorful waves and wash those fears and anger away.  Be the cloud that floats above strife.  Your imaginative mind can find a way.  We do break down and we do recover.  We are here for you and send the best virtual vibes your way.

Love and Hugs

[Taka]

when i'm breaking, i go on youtube and search for soundtracks that match my mood.
really difficult, sometimes i want heroic music like jam project, other times the distorted sound of hirakawa's berserk soundtracks. or something calming.

i rarely complain online or to friends. last week was the second time here.
i've done it on two other forums too, once on each.
i'm no good at writing to myself, but complaining to others helps.
send me a pm/email when you feel like expressing rage a little more safely, i'm not afraid of harsh language. grew up in the north after all, people aren't even arrested for swearing at police officers here...

[Satinjoy]

Many thanks, kindhearted friends

[Mark3]

"When I can't handle anymore and break".?

I just get in a bad mood.. Maybe empty out a closet and throw everything in the trash that hasn't been touched in the past 3 months.?
Maybe cut the grass in the backyard, without picking up the fallen dead tree branches, and mowing over them and shooting wood chips over the fence into neighbors yards.!
Maybe find 2-3 old dishes and smash them on the floor..
Anything that releases that built up negativity and energy..

I usually mellow out a few hours afterwards, and am back to usual, and feeling much better, lighter, unburdened....

Hope you feel better soon SJ... <3

[Taka]

i once smashed a piece of an already broken tile.
another time i unfortunately smasjed my sister's cup by putting it down a little too hard on granite.
even that is still better than how i'd almost shut down instead of getting angry when people are being completely unreasonable.
i can't handle doing chores when there are other people doing that too, and i'm even worse at being ordered around and then being yelled at because i'm unable to do five things at the same time while being verbally abused just because someone thinks they have a right to speak to me in whichever manner they choose to.

unfortunately, growing up with my parents has made me a little more sensitive that i should have been. if someone tries to order me around in a non-professional setting, i'll get into a rather livid mood. that does make relationships really difficult, so i'm only going to consider someone who is naturally either submissive or soothing. anything else could too easily end in disaster.

[suzifrommd]

How do you get through the day my dear ones?  How do you set yourselves free?

Simple answer: When all else fails, I pray for courage and serenity. I usually get them.

I hope this helps. Sending all my hugs your way.

[JLT1]

I fix what I can fix,
I prepare for what I can prepare for,
I love whom I can love,
I pray when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm lost and when I want to die.
But it's just not my time.

So I blow the other problems off,
they'll still be there when I can deal with them
but they aren't worth the worry today.
I live each happy moment for as long as I can
I dream of the better days to come


Hugs,

Jen

[Satinjoy]

Wonderful positive post Jen

[Wild Flower]

I literally break today during lunch but I played Diamonds are a girl best friend in my head.

I thought of Marilyn... she never look sad being Marilyn but the world kne different

I wanted to be a woman so bad... its getting stronger. I dont know how to act like a man... cause im not.

Im pretty much 99 percent feminine... its a hard life when life wasnt meant for you.

I sometimes hate the mirror but then with the right lighting i see me... the right oil in my eyes. And i feel pretty.... i see her when no one else does. Well the lucky few do... im literally breaking today.

[Tessa James]

Hang on Wildflower and keep taking those sidelong glances in the mirror.  I am betting on you seeing yourself more clearly over time.

[Jess42]

I don't really know but I think I may have gotten a pretty good handle on it. I break still but not completely. How I did it is facing who I am, all the ugliness, all the bitterness, all the anger, all the self hate and hate for others, all the jelousy and about a million other things. Why did I have to and why should I be all those things. All I was doing was pissing away happiness or the closest I can ever get to it. Yeah I lost a marriage. I will lose family. I lost friends. But, family isn't a genetic thing. The marriage was freaking miserable for me because of supressing who I truly am. And friends? I have a whole new set that replaced those that turned against me.

Breaking though. We are always gonna break at times no matter what. Sometimes we need to cry. Sometimes changing for yourself is the best thing to do. We lose and we find. But always go forward though. Cry, grieve and do whatever you need to do to let it out. Then keep searching for that rainbow.

[JulieBlair]

"Someday we'll find it,
  The rainbow connection,
  The lovers, the dreamers and me"

I'm afraid I'm broken right now.  Some of my family has left, some are leaving, and I cannot see the rainbow for the rain. 

Love to you all,

Julie

[helen2010]

"Someday we'll find it,
  The rainbow connection,
  The lovers, the dreamers and me"

I'm afraid I'm broken right now.  Some of my family has left, some are leaving, and I cannot see the rainbow for the rain. 

Love to you all,

Julie

Julie

The rain will cease.  The sun will reappear.  The rainbow will reveal itself and you will find both the love and the future that you deserve.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Jess42]

"Someday we'll find it,
  The rainbow connection,
  The lovers, the dreamers and me"

I'm afraid I'm broken right now.  Some of my family has left, some are leaving, and I cannot see the rainbow for the rain. 

Love to you all,

Julie

Breaking and broken is just another chance to rebuild the way you see fit. OMG Julie. I am so sorry. Emotional pain sux. You do have family though that won't ever leave you.

[Allyda]

I have my bad days just like everyone else. Mine mostly tho stem from all the best years of my live I lost to misery and despair. How things always got in the way of my transitioning sooner. When I think o those lost years all I want to do is cry, which I usually do until I've no tears left.

My other reason for losing it is my crippling genital dysphoria and how it has kept me all alone all these years, but hopefully soon as I'll have my SRS this spring I'll finally be whole and be able to have a normal relationship.

When I break down like this and lose all my hope, I'm so so thankful i have you lovely ladies and gents, binary and non-binary alike to help me get through those horrible moments and restore my hope for the future. For without y'all I dunno if I could go on. Now that I have my friend here to help me both pre and post op I have more hope now than I ever have.  I thank each and every one of you for your support.

Ally