Even in the T community I have noted a terrible inconsistency in the ways terms gets used to describe who we are and what we do. So forgive me, if anything I say here comes off as slightly not PC. I embrace everybody in their journey to find their authentic self, but other people's things aren't not necessarily my own.
I have talked here a great deal about my dancing, and what it means to me. I believe we each have an authentic dance that belongs only to us. We can't teach it to anybody else, and nobody can teach us their own. But if we find it in our self, it can't help but be beautiful. Because when that happens, our soul bubbles out of us like champagne.
Last week, I saw members of my wife's family, and I got comments from them about how feminine I appeared now. I was actually in male mode at the time, and had several days of beard growth. I was deliberately trying to butch it up a little. Although there is no doubt that I don't look as masculine as I once did in the physical sense, I believe that they were speaking of something deeper inside. A window is now open to my soul. They can see it for the first time, and that soul exudes femininity. I have always been April, and I always will be April. But when I appear as April, I live and breathe, and that is the real difference.
Last night, I stopped off at the alternative lifestyle friendly club that has become my place of solace in recent times. About 2/3 of the time I go there I am in feminine form. Last night was the other 1/3. I am well known there either way, and everybody always calls me "April". In male form, I still can dance, and I still can cry when I do so. And everybody pretty much treats me just the same as if I was wearing my makeup. But I feel a greater weight on me that way, and somewhat in shackles.
At the end of the night, I saw a couple of TGirls come in the place. My first reaction when seeing another TGirl is to immediately size her up, and try to figure out where she fits on the gender spectrum. I just can't help but doing that; it is almost reflexive for me. Well, these two girls were immaculate in their makeup, and their clothing was tasteful, but I didn't see a feminine soul in of either them. If it was there, it was buried under a pretty thick façade.
I walked by their table a struck up a conversation. They quickly admitted that this was a "hobby" that they did about once a month. While many of us have "cross dressed" here, these girls were cross dressers. I have nothing against that at all, and I certainly think that all gender expression is a good thing, but these girls were clearly coming from very different place than me. At the end of the night they would be very pleased to return to their male existence after an adventurous night out on the town.
It was immediately apparent to me that even in male mode, I was by far the most feminine of the 3 of us. I "swish" now, even appearing as a male. I don't need to put on the makeup to be me, but I just feel a lot freer that way.
