Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on March 20, 2015, 01:08:25 PM
I've been doing everything I can to pass better-I'm trying to grow my hair out, I've gained a few pounds to widen my figure, but I feel like now I'm looking even more masculine than ever.
I've sorta come to the conclusion that if I'm never going to pass, perhaps I'm not emotionally prepared to continue living authentically. I mean, I have no friends, virtually no support, and if I can't pass, things are going to continue to be harder than I want to deal with. My relationship prospects, my potential for a career, all of it will go out the window if people are able to tell. I can't deal with our transphobic culture right now, and it's driving me literally insane. So, I've realized that if I am never going to pass for cis, I'm going to seriously consider going back. I feel like my face is getting even more masculine as time goes on. So, please, I beg of you-be honest. Please, be brutally honest. The amount of dishonesty I've seen on this thread is troubling; I'm not looking for emotional support. I'm considering a major life decision, and I need FACTS if I'm going to make it correctly. I'm wearing light makeup in three of the four pictures; in the fully body one, my hair is wet. I'm six feet tall, very tall. Too tall.
Again, please be honest. This time isn't about feeling good about myself, it's about weather or not I should detransition.
I have to admit that I am having a hard time in trying to figure out how to respond. It's not just because of this post but on the totality of what you have been posting recently. You say that you need facts and not emotional support. However, it's clear you need both. What I see when I look at your pictures is a lot of insecurity and unhappiness. I am fairly new to the transition world but not so to life and I can tell you that in most interactions with the world, self confidence is key to success. In my world, I am a trial lawyer, if you can't display confidence you are dead meat. Man or woman it doesn't matter, if you don't appear confident to the world you will not get the response you are looking for.
The one thing you need to work on more than anything is attitude and confidence. If you are looking for perfection, good luck honey cause you are never going to find it and you will never be happy. I see a reoccurring theme in your posts that you feel that you don't now and never will pass for CIS and if you can't your a failure. Now I don't know if you will or not in the future but if you use that as your standard now it's no wonder you feel bad. I know that you have been on HRT for a couple of years now but how confident are you that your Endo has got your regime down correctly? You also appear have some other psychological issues, as a lot of us do, that may need attention that can help to make you feel better and allow you to develop friendships and build a better support system.
No one knows what the future holds. For years I was afraid to address my issues so I operated on auto pilot and repressed my true self and was, what I thought to be, the model husband, father and employee. I couldn't get out of my terrible marriage because it would devastate the kids and I would be financially ruined for life. I couldn't adress my gender issues because it was sick and dirty to want to be who I felt I was. It got so bad that I would pray at night to have a heart attack and die so that I would not have to face my reality.
8 years ago God answered my prayer. I was driving home from work at 70 mph when I started having chest pains. I believed I was having a heart attack and my system reacted by slowing down my heart and droping my blood pressure to almost zero. When that happens, blood is no longer able to get to your brain and witin seconds you pass out. Not a good thing to do at 70 mph on a Southern California freeway towards the end of rush hour. When I woke up I was in a wrecked car that was a total loss. No one else was hit as I played pinball with the various center dividers and walls of the freeway. I wasn't killed and I wasn't having a heart attack. But God was telling me something.
Now 8 years later I am divorced, my kids are thriving and happy for the most part, and I have never been this financially sound. I am telling you this because what we frequently tell ourselves is just plain wrong. How do you know if you won't be able to afford FSS in the future? The correct answer is
you don't know. There may be changes in insurance coveraage so that it is manditatory as part of the transition process that these proceedures be covered. You many find you develop a talent that is in high demand and will bring you great wealth. You may find a lotto ticket on the ground that is worth enough to cover the cost. In short, you need to worry less about what the future holds and concentrate on living now.
You are very pretty and I would so kill to be able to have your body shape. I am 6'2" and currently weigh 215. There is now way I am going to look CIS. So I have to be realistic and know that I can do what I can and let the rest happen. Even though I have no idea what I will look like in 2 mos, 6 mos, 1 year, 3 years or 6 years I can't let those doubts control who I am right now. You shouldn't let your doubts control you.
I have spent the last couple of weeks speaking to friends, family and people at work letting them know about my transition status. The reactions have been all over the board from you need to seek christian counseling to end this problem to I always knew there was something special about you. In the end, no one other than me gets to define who I am.
So hang in there girl!! You are beautiful and if you can just let yourself believe in yourself you will be able to let the world see that beauty.
As to physical changes, add some color and definition to your eye area. I know you believe that less is more but sometimes adding a little drama can spice up your appearence.
Smile, smile, smile. What you perceve as clocking may be nothing more than why is that beautiful tall girl so sad and dour looking?
Hugs girl. You seem like you really need them.
