Pushing through...

[abbyFlame]

I could use some advice from you wonderful people. I am really stuck and depression has been taking over my life.

I came out to my wife a year ago that I was transgender. There was some initial shock, doubt and anger but after some talking she seemed to be accepting and even went out of her way to be supportive. Over the last year though as I've been going through therapy and considering transition she became more and more anxious and basically withdrew her support. In general she's pushed us to separation and seems to determined to move ahead with her life even before I made any final decision about moving forward with transition. In couple's therapy it come out that even if I turned back now or suddenly decided I wasn't transgender that it wouldn't make any difference. She's doesn't see me in the same way now and her love was not unconditional, so she isn't interested in being partners anymore. But because we have two beautiful kids, I am still at home pretending to them and the world that we are still married and still love each other. (Yet another facade that I have to keep up.) I think in general we can find a way to separate amicably and coparent so I am not too worried about a messy divorce.

Where I am stuck is finding the strength to move forward. To face transition both socially and physically. It seems so daunting and impossible now. I guess I never considered how much I was used to her support for just about everything. I now find myself worried that I don't have the strength to push on and become the person I know I should be. That it's easier to let all my doubts and fears overtake me and just surrender to being nothing.

I am not suicidal but my thoughts are very dark and I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. That said I don't feel entirely hopeless. I love my children and would suffer way more then just GD for them but I feel I don't have to. That transition is an option that they and others will accept eventually. I just don't know how to find the courage to move forward.

So I guess that what I am asking....what moment, idea, or thing helped you make it over that last ounce of doubt and fear? I am not looking to erase all doubts and fear just have something I can hold on to that gives me the forward momentum to take it all on.

Thanks in advance!

[Ms Grace]

Firstly, hugs, thank you for sharing your story. It doesn't sound like a n easy place to be in and I hope you can work things out with your wife.

Dealing with doubt? Imagining having to live the rest of my life as a man not as a woman was enough to push me over the line, the thought of it was too horrible to contemplate.

[Tessa James]

Abby a big part of that for me was realizing how much I had lost by quitting on my transition many years ago.  Recognizing how much stronger the dysphoria and fear had gotten was another part.  And then accepting myself meant no more hiding no more pretending and no more lies.  I found that my fears and secrets had reached a toxic level in isolation.  My transition has further demonstrated to me that most people are really not too concerned with our little/big changes and the people closest to me remained loving family and friends.  We can offer our children, family and friends more if we are whole and not shackled by the chains of something dark and hidden.  My wife and I are currently OK but we have been to the edge of the cliff and I don't take us for granted.  When we were temporarily separated it was easier to answer questions and respond more freely to the call to be fully myself.

You have an intrinsic identity that is your right to own.  Be true to yourself

[Edge]

When I first started, I didn't know if living as and transitioning to male would make me any happier. Which makes sense since no one can predict the future. What I did know was how bad I felt living as a woman. I decided it was better to take a risk than stay in a place I knew I was unhappy.

[ImagineKate]

abbyFlame,

I can totally understand where you're coming from. Since I came out to my wife it has been a roller coaster with her. One day she's saying let's prep the house for sale so we can split up, another she's saying she wants to be supportive. Generally though I have not seen much acceptance from her. That's expected and I don't blame her. She married a man, not a woman.

I said something to her this week that hit me more than it hit her.

I said that throughout my entire life, the only person that has been there for me 100% is me. And this is true. My parents were pretty much absentee during my teenage years, my first wife left, and now my current wife says that I'm basically going to be dead to her if I transition.

So consider this - can you live with yourself if you don't transition? I know I can't. I may end up losing my marriage and a lot of the things the old me built up over the years but I think I'll be in a happier place - at peace with myself.

[abbyFlame]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts! ImagineKate I am sorry to hear you are facing a similar situation with your wife.

The thought of continuing to live a man is very much a motivator. I am not terribly convinced yet that I couldn't still suffer through although I never thought the GD would increase so strongly and so quickly. I worry that I am just delaying the inevitable.

Does anyone remember the moment they realized they had crossed the Rubicon? Was there a single moment? What was it like?

[ImagineKate]

In my case it was always at the back of my mind but a few things told me I could deal with it.

One was male privilege. I figured living as a man had benefits and it would be better since I could exercise male privilege and material things would make me happy.

Second was that I never thought I would pass. Well now I'm realizing that's not true at all, and I am not even on HRT. Passing takes effort and I find that I have lots of potential but I just need to make an effort.

Third and most important was that I wanted a family really badly. As in I wanted to have kids. Since I can't carry them I figured I would be the most loving dad on the planet.


Well #3 happened but after we had them I kind of started to roll down the hill of dysphoria. However this year it really hit me hard and I have my theories as to why my bell rang. Could be new meds I started taking and When I had the worst dysphoria I also tried low dose estradiol only but while it took care of the dysphoria I was growing breasts and skin and scent was changed drastically. I had a few nights of insomnia but things settled down after. So now here I am. I had to come out to my wife and I started seeing a therapist. I started planning full transition and this is where I am. HRT in a couple of weeks and electrolysis going on right now as well as voice therapy starting soon. Since I'm out to family I dress at home pretty much all the time. I even go dressed andro/femme-ish to work (except when I have meetings).

So you'll be fine if you keep your eyes on the prize. Be warned though that your life is going to be turned upside down and unlike single twenty somethings in college we have a lot more established in our male lives and therefore a lot more to lose. On the flip side we have life experience, financial and other resources and somewhat of a thick skin so we can deal with it better. Anyway is that the price you're willing to pay to be at peace with yourself? Only you can decide that. In my case the answer is a resounding YES. Diagnosis by therapy with low dose HRT has made me happier than ever and back off of it has made me a miserable wreck. I need to do this for me.

[Rachel]

Hi Abby, Hugs

What you are going through is very difficult; my heart goes out to you. A therapist is very important support during transition and when you are contemplating transition.

December 2012 I put into place two days in a row suicide attempts on I95. I wanted my wife and daughter to receive my life insurance so I wanted it to be viewed as a car accident. All my life I thought about suicide, made plans, letters and even stood on high rise buildings and railroad bridges starting when my voice cracked. Well the 2 days in December 2012 were very different. These were impulse events that were unplanned and had to do with tractor trailers on I95 ( I have a very small sports car). The second incident I was rounding the curve onto route 20 west. I had just survived what I thought was going to be a perpendicular accident with a tractor. I was completely calm and my heart rate was completely normal. My mind went blank and all the pain vanished.

As I was rounding the route 30 curve several things  entered my mind. 1) I feel at peace, 2) I will try again tomorrow and then 3) I do not want to die I want to be me. The voice came deep from inside me. I promised her the rest of my life and at that moment the he lost control. All my life I have been repeating this cycle to find I was at the beginning. It does not go away but it gets worse. I said I need to live as me. I made an intake it the Mazzoni center that day and held on tight till the intake.

What I have learned in my transition is to make it my transition at my speed. I thought I was going to be fired, disowned and divorced. None of this has happened yet but I present male-ish at this point. It is becoming difficult to hide as time goes by and I am learning to enjoy some of the outings.

[MelissaAnn]

Does anyone remember the moment they realized they had crossed the Rubicon? Was there a single moment? What was it like?

Unfortunately for me my dark thoughts went to a very dark place. Everything had built up and the wall of bricks came crashing down on me and I tried to commit suicide. The moment for me was when I woke up in the hospital after that attempt and when the shock had worn off that I survived. I decided there must be a reason that I'm still here. There must be something I didn't do yet. That's when I came to the realization that I needed to make my self happy at all costs. What was it like? Getting to that point. Pure hell. But after that point exhilaration joy, excitement, the fears melted away. I finally started living.

By this time I was already divorced and on my own so I didn't have the additional problem of a wife to deal with.

For me it's real simple. This is who I am. I may not be rich, but I am valuable. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me, I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect, but I don't need to be. Take me as I am, or watch me as I walk away.

[suzifrommd]

So I guess that what I am asking....what moment, idea, or thing helped you make it over that last ounce of doubt and fear?

My therapist suggested that I go out presenting female in as many social situations as I could. I joined a trans-inclusive all-female feminist reading group. After one of the meetings, I was making the drive back home, where I would take off my wig, makeup, bra, and women's clothes and go back to my bleak male life for another week.

I realized at that moment that I had to make my female life into my "real" life. That I couldn't keep going back to the way I was.

Does this help, Abby?

[JoanneB]

Abby, I am sorry to hear of your woes. When I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife several years ago it did not go well either. We managed to get through the initial reptilian emotional response. During those turbulent times I often had my "WTF am I doing?" meltdowns.

During each one of them I was even more diligent about reminding myself "I KNOW What Does Not Work". I had spent a few decades trying things one way and my life, and especially me, turned into something I did not want, even abhorred. I started to fix things, change things and life got better. Sure parts of it seemed even more difficult, even more insurmountable problems constantly thrown at me. Yet, overall, I could not deny things were getting better.

You also know what was not working. You also made changes. You also know if they are helping you become a for real person. I haven't made any real decision about transitioning beyond recognizing the need to do at least part-time. I live in fear of ever turning back into that person I was before I started working on making me one whole healthy happy person

[Tessa James]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts! ImagineKate I am sorry to hear you are facing a similar situation with your wife.

The thought of continuing to live a man is very much a motivator. I am not terribly convinced yet that I couldn't still suffer through although I never thought the GD would increase so strongly and so quickly. I worry that I am just delaying the inevitable.

Does anyone remember the moment they realized they had crossed the Rubicon? Was there a single moment? What was it like?

OMG yes.  About two years ago; I stood near our warm kitchen stove and held on to the iron pan rack and it was like lightning in clarity but warm and gallivanted to my core.  This? was what I was fighting and hiding?  Turn around and it is who I am and will never wish to let go of.