Hi. I'm posting under a pseudonym for privacy reasons, but you may call me Asha. I'm new here.
I am currently living a normal life presenting as male. I am ambivalent about transitioning. I am in the process of seeking therapy for it, but I have yet to tell anyone except my closest friends.
I have felt that I am a woman trapped in a man's body since I was nine, about the same time I "realized my existence" and started making my own decisions. I secretly cross-dressed as I began to like girl clothes more. At the time I did not really know what my feelings meant or how to express them, so they didn't manifest into an actionable thought back then. Looking back, however, it's clear to me that this is something I've always wanted. My biggest regret to this day is not being able to say anything about my feelings when I was thing young.
I am a Software Engineer. I am computer-savvy. Statistically speaking, there are very few females in Computer-related fields, perhaps due to the male-dominated and unhygienic culture of computers. Had I been born a girl, I might have chosen a different path, or I might have ignored societal influence and went with what fit the triad of like doing/good at/pays well.
Around when I was twelve or fourteen, I began to realize that there may be options for transgender individuals, although at the time I did not immediately correlate it with either myself or the notion of gender itself, merely something that trans* people sometimes elect to do.
Around when I was sixteen, I began to realize that I could transition, but I initially and ultimately dismissed it. I dismissed it because it was, intrinsically, a raw and imperfect method. I dismissed it because I didn't want to put up with the embarrassment of bringing it up with my family in order to see a therapist or gender clinic.
I'm currently debating whether or not to transition. I wish I had thought about it before puberty ravaged my body with testosterone.
My age, height, weight, body type and physique are all against me.
I'm 24, so growing and most secondary sexual characters are set-in at this point. Estrogen will help, but there's no way for me to visualize how much it will help, or if I'll need surgery. There's no way to see how I will look after a given amount of time of transitioning. Transitioning is, of course, an ongoing process, but I'd imagine the initial coming out and switch and the first couple of years after that are the hardest. It's going to be hard for me and I'm not sure I can manage.
I'm just under 6', so that puts me as a little tall for a woman. That's not something that is easily changed.
I don't look it, but I'm easily 200lbs overweight. My pants size is 48x30. My shirt is 3XL or 3XB. I hold it well, but it's going to take work and time to be healthy. I need to talk to my doctor, but there's two main obstacles to me losing weight. One, the things I am doing now aren't making a difference, despite quite a massive drop in intake calories, I started gaining weight after a brief stint of losing. I'd like to believe that it's input vs output, but there are something's I'm not sure about, such as how stress can influence weight, and how cheat days and starvation mode work, and if either of those are even real things. Two, I've reached the point where it isn't just annoying to exercise, it's DIFFICULT. I can barely clean my house or rake leaves without feeling exhausted, let alone walk a mile or take a bike ride or lift weights or stretch. I feel out of breath doing even mundane activities requiring physical exertion. I feel tired and sore and fatigued after only a few minutes of activity.
I have a very masculine build. When I was younger (and healthier), people used to say I could be a football player. I've never been interested in sports outside of casual play. My face has very masculine features. I have broad shoulders. My shoe size is usually a 12 mens, so that also puts me at a very large size for a woman.
Yet, I believe myself to be a woman, or at the very least, not a man. I have been born a man, raised a man, and I (currently) publicly express and identity myself as a man, but it's all a lie to me. I've repressed these feelings for a long time, and it's all bubbled up and it's ready to burst. Fitting into the gender norm would be easier, especially for me since I already have some psychological conditions, including depression, anxiety, and possibly bipolar II or bipolar III, high-functioning autism, and all the social awkwardness that comes with it.
Maybe I don't want easy. Maybe I'd rather enrage, go full beast mode on the hardest difficulty possible if it had the smallest chance of making me happier in the long run.
I like more feminine-associated expressions, mannerisms, and appearances than I'd like to admit. Not just in the way that I am attracted to women, but also in the way I envy and adore it; in the way I'd like to have it, to be it.
I know, for instance that I don't shave my facial hair nearly as often as I should. Part of it is laziness and part of it is being too poor to afford razors on a regular basis and being indecisive about which alternative-to-the-really-expensive-razors I should go with. I, of course, would like not to have facial hair in the first place. However, I don't look very good clean shaven due to my facial structure. It pains me to look at a beautiful woman's face. Why can't I be so pretty?
I would like to have longer hair, but I don't look good with it due to how my hair is, regardless of how I style it. Not to mention it takes several times longer to clean and gets greasy several times quicker. This pains me a little. Don't care much for coloring, but I think highlights look nice, even in guys (just not on me).
I hate having body and leg hair, too. But it would be weird and wouldn't look right if I shaved. I hate my body and it's angular, masculine features.
As much as I hate applying it and removing it, I like makeup. I obviously can't wear it well (or have any idea how to apply it correctly, but then again I barely know how to shave my beard). That disappoints me. I like eye shadow, eyeliner, and lip gloss / lip stick. I think it looks nice. Blemishes are easier to hide with makeup (and despite my testosterone-filled bloodstream and daily showering I still get quite a few). Never made much sense of mascara (how is anyone going to see that your eyelashes are 1% larger and 1% blacker from a distance of a meter or more?), but I digress.
Aside from the distinct lack of pocket-based storage (how do girls manage?!), I actually really enjoy women's clothing. I don't care much for pocket books (still think actual pockets make more sense), but I am fascinated by skirts, dresses, blouses, frilly things, shear things, stockings, heels, and everything else. (Leggings, especially worn by themselves [without a skirt, tunic or dress...], can shove it.) To me, it's not just sexy, but actually something I would enjoy myself. I wish I could be beautiful and pretty, but it simply isn't going to happen.
These are a few examples.
Perhaps I simply want to be sexy, and since I don't find most of masculinity sexy, I want to embrace feminity. It's not a possibility for me, and I realize that, so I covet being a woman.
I realize that these are gender roles assigned by society. However, these aren't going away anytime soon and aren't going to change very rapidly. Due to genetics, they most certainly aren't going to flip. Certain things straight men find sexually attractive, such as healthiness and curves partially fueled by estrogen during puberty (child-bearing hips!). Those certain things are augmented by certain types of clothing and other technologies that humanity manufacturers to change the environment rather than adapting to it. Much like how women see healthiness and angular features partially fueled by testosterone during puberty. (Yes, healthiness is mentioned for both, because that's part of how it works. Also your perception of healthiness given a person of a certain gender is heavily influenced by their sex, as that's part of what healthiness entails -- ability to reproduce!) There are I don't see either of those becoming a lot different than it is now, due to how nature defines the sexes.
Not only that, but I realize there are numerous physiological differences. I would only embrace them. I realize that ultimately being a woman isn't just limited to having breasts and curves. I think I would particularly enjoy some of the changes. I don't currently enjoy sex as a man, and although it's possible that's related to a treatable condition, I don't think I would experience any worse as a true woman or a transwoman. As a true woman, may very well be better in a more-orgasmic way, but no one in the human race will truly know that for quite some time (you know, until we can open body exchange clinics). If I ended up going transgender most likely it wouldn't be any worse for me, especially considering the majority of my sexual stimulation comes from my visual cortex, and not part of my body (admittedly that is a very masculine thing). I would obviously have no comparison as a true woman as my memory of manhood would either be non-applicable (i.e., from birth) or otherwise irrelevant (not within our lifetime).
Overall, I think I would be much happier as a woman. There exists no technology today with the capacity to, nor no God willing to, make me truly what I want to be. Perhaps, in the future there will be such an entity with this capacity. But, for today, I am stuck. I am what I am. I am both confused and frustrated, with both my sexual experiences and gender identity. The physical form I have isn't the one I want and no amount of exercise, therapy, drugs, prayer, or surgery will fix that. I am a prisoner in my own body. At the same time, I could risk everything and try the imperfect method.
A significant part of my feelings are social, not simply about appearances. I don't feel comfortable in a lot of more masculine social situations—sports, beer, cars to name a few—but due to my masculine appearance I seem to find myself in them a lot.
With that being said, for the appearances, I want to look feminine so I don't get misgendered. Looking convincing and blending in is more important than looking beautiful. That obviously requires some minimum level of beauty which I don't think I will be able to obtain in my lifetime, at least without radical technological advances.
For instance, the first problem I can imagine, notwithstanding other variables is they probably don't make women's clothing in my size. I have men's size 12 feet, I'm nearly 6' tall, and while I can lose weight my proportions won't work. None of that can really change during my lifetime.
I can lose weight, but given how much trouble I'm having doing that it might take five or six years before I'm even close to a healthy weight. Some of my medication was changed around to help with my appetite some time ago, and I feel like I'm eating a lot less, but I have still managed to gain 40lbs despite this.
Since I have big feet that basically rules open-toed shoes out of the possibility and will make finding shoes harder.
I'm very tall for women's sizes and heights, so that would be weird to.
I have broad shoulders, and I'm just built large even without the added stomach fat. There's not really anything I can do about that.
I have masculine facial features, and while there is facial feminization surgery I imagine it's expensive enough to be outside of the realm of financial feasibility for a long time coming.
I of course sound like a guy, and it would take voice training and possibly trachea shaving before I sounded remotely feminine.
Sorry if this is TMI, but in terms of sex:
I've not have sex with a woman during my lifetime, but I can say from my experiences with men:
- I enjoy begin watched, especially while crossdressing. That's probably directly related to repressing my feelings.
- I don't particularly enjoy giving or receiving: handjobs, ->-bleeped-<-s, or anal; so overall male-on-male is one of the worst pairings for me. I don't mind watching it, but experiencing it is a different thing entirely
- Receiving a handjob or ->-bleeped-<- with the incorrect amount of friction feels ticklish and painful. My threshold is really specific and it's hard for it not to feel ticklish
- Some of the best sensations I have experienced have come from my nipples being stimulated by my partner. I can't imagine how good it would feel if I had real breasts. It doesn't have the same effect when I touch it myself, but it's never painful.
- Ejaculation feels more like a letdown for me than an orgasm. Also, I feel like I last a most a few minutes with proper stimulation. After ejaculation, I can't be stimulated at all. Not really sure how much of that is normal.
Do I suffer in silence, or do I do something about it I might regret?
