disappearing transsexuals

[bridget]

The post-ops, the not-post-ops, where did they go?  ->-bleeped-<-girl15 on youtube has vanished. Debutante Brawl feat. Penelope on youtube has vanished. Many, many post-ops have seemingly left the internet. In fact, the disappearing post-ops makes me think that srs does not come out that great. How about it? The case of the disappearing transsexuals....

[Leila]

Perhaps they are just just living their lives now.

[Sammy]

Or there is another simple reason behind this. Being on the interwebz will lead to discoveries and disclosures and full anonymity (AKA stealth) will become impossible task for those who want to blend in. Sooner or later, someone might stumble across a picture or YT video, add 2 and 2 and voila!, we have a relationship or family broken.

Anyway, I know at least two pre-op transsexuals who were active on YT and then their accounts disappeared without any trace. Still, I was able to (by pure accident) to come across them via google+ contacts and they are doing fine - even better than they were when I last saw them .
So, peeps be careful about whom You add in google (google is evil, and so is FB)... still You have no control over who for whatever reason adds You in their circles and so that chain goes on.

[sam79]

I agree with Leila...

People just get on with life, as I plan to

[Beverly]

In fact, the disappearing post-ops makes me think that srs does not come out that great. How about it? The case of the disappearing transsexuals....

I am a disappearing transsexual.

In terms of my transition, I am pulling back from all things internet. I need no further support at this point, my transition has been a success. I am fully integrated into my new life and I am very busy getting on with it.

I have needed no support for quite a while now and for at least the last year I have been giving support to those coming along behind me.

However, it must be said that giving support can be a very wearing experience. A significant minority simply do not listen when you tell them things they need to know and then blame you for telling them. Then there is dealing with the other issues that many people face. Many of us have hidden in a bottle or behind drugs or suffered depression, anxiety or other disorders.

So, it is a mix of things. As my life gets back to normal then "normal stuff" fills it up more and more and I only have so much time in my day so there is less and less time for trans stuff. Helping people on-line has also made me a bit "snippy" because whereas I used to spend a lot of time helping the stubborn or pig-headed cases, experience has taught me how to spot when I am wasting my time so if someone gives me a lot of blow-back or tells me "how it's gonna be with those d*mn doctors" then I just wish them luck and leave them to it.

Over the last few years I have done my bit. I have helped many people go out as themselves at support groups and I have helped them come out and start on the transition pathway. Online, over the last 4 years, the numbers are much larger.

I feel I have done my bit. I had paid back the help I received when I started. Others are more dedicated than I am and I simply have far too much to do.

So it is time to go.

[Rachelicious]

I, too, have noticed a couple of well-transitioned, super passable girls delete their videos - and this is on a range from pretty intellectual girls to some who practically documented half of their entire sexual history in every other video.

ayh put it perfectly. The idea of self-outing to everyone for the sake of drawing in a few just seems unnatural. Statistically, people who are out to everyone or otherwise widely known as trans have a higher suicide rate than stealthier folks. It just seems like a bad idea, and I think those who are leaving have realized this.

It's valid from my own experience - once you feel universally passable, one really just kind of wishes to get on with her life in a way as if to forget having had to deal with such matters. One craves a new life: the potential of one's own life that is enabled when consciousness is brought into its form. The very powerful response of positive emotions associated with this gives ample reason to leave the past when it become convenient.

That and if IRL people find your videos they can do all kinds of ->-bleeped-<- with them to misrepresent you, and that can affect anyone at all no matter who they are. I like to keep a solid division between my IRL and online worlds. That division enables them to function comfortably. A few very close friends who would do no harm have had the worlds linked by me, and that's no big deal. If I publically share bits of my IRL to my online folks, it's not in a way by which my location, career, or other private aspects of my life would be identifiable.

If nothing else, the turnover of youtubers also keeps fresh people uploading and redefining, for instance, what it really means to transition now that it's 2014 vs what it was like back in 2009. There will always be people bold, reckless, or good enough to just go in front of the public, say who they are, and describe what they're doing, feeling, or experiencing. And that's the thing - transitioner videos tend to focus largely on this one aspect of their life. I'm quite comfortable presenting myself, even online, but I've also gone to great lengths to make the private medical history that is my transition indiscernible. I can only wish luck to those who document their transitions in this way.

[kelly_aus]

Statistically, people who are out to everyone or otherwise widely known as trans have a higher suicide rate than stealthier folks. It just seems like a bad idea, and I think those who are leaving have realized this.

I'd like to see the numbers behind this statement, as my experiences tell me otherwise..

[Rachelicious]

I'd like to see the numbers behind this statement, as my experiences tell me otherwise..

Page 9, 50% vs 33%

http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/AFSP-Williams-Suicide-Report-Final.pdf

[kelly_aus]

Hmm, I still don't agree with it - the way being In or Out is determined is a little flimsy.

[Handy]

I'd agree this is perhaps less dissatisfaction with their transition and more getting on with their lives.

I fully intend to get bottom surgery, and after bottom surgery I plan on reigning in what little online presence I have XD it's just more, "Alright, I'm finally DONE! Now to just live my life in quiet, peaceful anonymity "

[suzifrommd]

Once someone decides what direction they are going and learns what they need to get there, the need for spending time on support sites goes down. I'm here chiefly so that my experience will help people who come after. Others simply leave the site. It's sort of a natural progression.

[Myarkstir]

I in no way am stealth, everyone knows my past and i will have the pleasure of my coworkers visit at brassard's during my stay there next week.

But at the same time, we expend SO much energy to get there that at some point we need to choose our battles. I know I feel very tired of my fight and want to be done with it.

Which happens monday when i wake up from srs and they confirm to me all is done 

Hope this bit helps you understand.

[Carrie Liz]

As someone who is basically done with transition and stealth, I can tell you exactly why they disappear.

It's called living life.

When you're in transition, being trans is kind of all that you can think about. Once you're finished with transition, wherever you might deem that finish line to be, an amazing thing happens. You can start living your life without gender dysphoria getting in the way. People you meet for the first time can't even tell that you're trans anymore, your body is more or less completely that of your identity gender, and frankly it seems stupid to even think about being trans anymore, because you stop seeing yourself as trans, you just start seeing yourself as a woman/man first, trans maybe 4th or 5th on a list of things that you are. Honestly still being in transgender support networks becomes a scary thought, because what if someone sees you, and you're outed? That's usually what's happening with people who completely delete their videos from Youtube, or delete all of their pictures from a trans support site, is that they're becoming afraid of being outed, and they don't want to be seen as trans anymore, they just want to be seen as an ordinary member of their identity gender.

I've been here for almost 2 years now, and watched a lot of members come and go. And in almost every single case, the members that go are leaving because they're now post-transition, full-time, and thus they're ready to leave the support community and just get on with their lives.

Just about every single transgender community has this cycle... people are there for about 1-2 years or so, and then once they're passable and full-time, they all leave and a brand new batch of trans-people comes in to take their place, all with the exact same questions and the exact same fears and concerns that they had in the first place. Rinse and repeat. Only a few stay behind, usually specifically because they want to keep helping others out.

And again, it's not because anyone is having regrets. It's the opposite. It's because for the first time in their lives, they don't feel weird anymore, don't feel enough bodily dysphoria to need support anymore, and thus don't feel the need to even talk about it anymore. They're just out living their lives.

[Beth Andrea]

Once someone decides what direction they are going and learns what they need to get there, the need for spending time on support sites goes down. I'm here chiefly so that my experience will help people who come after. Others simply leave the site. It's sort of a natural progression.

This is one of the bigger reasons I left for several months...I felt I'd learned as much as I could for a pre-SRS life, and wanted to live "on my own."

Now that I'm able to get on the table (oh look, I made a rhyme! LOL), meaning the biggest hurdle to surgery is taken care of, I decided to come back and learn more...in many ways it was like coming back to high school after graduation: it felt...awkward.

But Susan's is still a good place to learn, even if the junior classmates dress funny and chew bubblegum...

[ImagineKate]

I may stay around after I'm "done" because I like discussion forums but I plan to live semi-stealth. I won't be 100% stealth but to total strangers they don't and won't know my history. I may even move to another state and start over. I even want a new career in something different if possible. I just feel this new energy and renewal in my life.

So yes, I agree most of these women are probably stealth and woodworked.

[LizMarie]

As Carrie, Suzi, and others note, it's actually rare for post-ops to stick around. Several I know have vanished from another support site I participate in yet I am friends with them on Facebook and they are doing superbly... just living life.

My own life is beginning to settle down now that I am legally transitioned though I still have GCS to go through and then FFS so I expect to remain interested in support sites for a few more years. But after that? I suspect my own participation won't stop but will dwindle down.

For example, on another site I frequent, a wonderful woman who is now more than a decade post-op and completely living as herself drops in about once a month. She'll comment in a thread or two then vanish again.

As ayhdrb notes, many trans people refuse to listen and think that somehow their circumstances are unique. Worse, I've met those frozen with fear of moving forward but standing on the edge of suicide due to depression and I can't help them either. So as ayhdrb notes, it can be wearing even on those of us still interested in remaining active here. I can only imagine how it must feel to those whose interest in support sites has waned and who are full time and post-op to be repeatedly rejected in terms of offered help and advice.

So the "disappearing post-op" is sort of inevitable. Between new transitioners who refuse to listen and general tiredness and frustration from those trying to help, why shouldn't the majority of post-ops vanish?

What is more remarkable, in my mind, are those few post-ops who consistently stay around and continue to offer their support. Those are truly amazing and selfless people.

[Heather]

It's not really about the surgery they just reached a point where they could move on. Honestly I've noticed two types of people who transition and it's not stealth or non stealth. It's those who choose to move on and those who don't. I have a friend in real life who is an activist everything in her life revolves around being trans. You can't carry on a normal conversation with her because everything is about being trans. She outs me to strangers she gets mad at me because I say I'm just a woman and won't get out in the streets and argue with protesters.
Now I'm using her as an extreme example but the point is at a certain point you need to move on before transition becomes your entire life and you forget to be the woman you set out to be.

[Jenna Marie]

As others have said, it's mostly about moving on to a normal life; in fact, the pattern I've noticed has been that those dissatisfied with transition or GRS tend to *stay,* as they are still in need of support.

To be perfectly frank, even I'm primarily here because so many post-ops do go on to live their lives and "disappear" - I have answers to many questions that newly post-op women have and I don't mind giving them. For now. Already I don't really think about trans issues unless I'm reading this site, and I can foresee the day when I too get tired of the same old questions over and over and want to do something different for a change.

[Sammy]

As ayhdrb notes, many trans people refuse to listen and think that somehow their circumstances are unique. Worse, I've met those frozen with fear of moving forward but standing on the edge of suicide due to depression and I can't help them either.

Very much this.I have encountered a lot of them -mostly in online communities - and it is always the same... time, e-mail exchanges, info passing out and then they just disappear.

[katiej]

Transition is an all-consuming and sometimes demoralizing process.  And I've heard people say that post-transition there was a big hole in their life that left them asking, "now what do I do?"   So I can understand the desire to move on and get some distance.  It's only natural to want to finally have a normal life.

But I will say that one consequence of stealth and blending in is that trans people aren't visible.  Society is coming along, but most people's concept of us is limited to the awkward transitioner and the freak shows on Jerry Springer.  The vast majority of those who are post-transition blend in so well, even if not fully stealth, society doesn't see them as trans.  It would help our case to have more Janet Mocks, but I totally understand why we don't.

So macro level, it's not necessarily a good thing for us as a group.  But on a micro level, it's great for the individual to be a regular person.