I hate my body, and struggle with it

[kathyk]

I feel so stupid and want to be slim. Slim like I was in my early 20's and could wear just about anything (and look pretty good).  But it's far more difficult than imagined to maintain the standards and limits needed to shed more pounds from this fat old lady's body.

Transition has been the most difficult thing I've ever done in life, and weight loss should be easy in comparison.  But a lot of things get in my way.  Depression is probably the biggest hurdle, and it's the hardest to cover up, ignore, or eliminate.  But there are habit modifications and life style changes I know would help if I committed to them.  Yet that commitment seems to mean eliminating a few of the things I still have left that bring me pleasure.  So much of my life was left behind, and so much of the loss was very dear to me.  It took a long time to emotionally adjust to what happened, and I guess there's a deep fear of discarding anything more would just add to the losses I've already suffered.

Maybe you're not having the same kind of problem, and maybe it's faulty for me to assume anyone else would ever struggle beyond transition as I am now.  I don't want to give up what's comfortable, or stop enjoying the small number of things that make me feel good.  But I have to do something to achieve my goals, and it looks like it's going to hurt in one way or another.

It seems so stupid to cry over this.  But I woke up very early this morning after a bad dream and burst into tears, then looked in the mirror and cried some more.  It should be "a walk in the park" to do my four minutes of makeup and go out today.   But it's not, and I have to drive 100 miles to pick up a few things.  Oh yes, I can cry and drive at the same time, and I've done it many times. 

[Lostkitten]

Bleh I can't imagine how rough it is to gain weight easily, and the constant struggle to keep it.

No, I don't have the same problem but with a brother who for a while really focussed on losing weight and a sister that is trained in healthy food and training I see quite a bit of what would be better for me. My own choice at the moment to do nothing with it, but I will in the future. I was working on my body actively for two years before though. And will start again when I start with hormones.

The thing which you shouldn't do is to try to lose everything at once. Even if you decide to just almost stop eating for months, you will train your body to, whenever you do eat, to safe as much as possible and thus gain weight.

Exercises you can also do at home. Luxury of being a woman is that you don't have to do 100 kind of exercises for a good body. Just work on your stomach and all around that and you will get very far already.

If you look at these:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ailbhemalone/workouts-that-you-can-easily-do-at-home
1,6 and 11 are good ones.
I can't find it but I recall someone giving exercises you can do while on the sofa, watching tv and in between breaks. In case you can't get yourself to work out you just have to remind yourself that whenever your tv show is on a break, you can train then.

Also if like me you are lazy and just often can't get yourself to work out.. punish yourself for it. When I worked out I told myself I could have my favorite snack (bag of chocolate thingies ) once every week (I did go to the gym three a four times a week). If I skipped a workout, no chocolate for me.

You don't have to stop eating what you like but just eat.. a little less? Instead of taking a big breakfast and dinner it does work to take a small breakfast. You will get hungry with a few hours again. Try to take a simple snack. Fruit would be perfect and with dinner just keep it simple.

Also the biggest change I saw my brother do; drink water. When you get hungry at times, drink. Instead of limonade, juices, anything, drink water. He lost so much weight when he did just that. He ate as he always did, he didn't exercise, he drank water. And lost weight.

Losing weight and/or improving your body isn't about putting your mind to it for a certain time (although that is also a possibility but just harder to achieve and hold on to) but a lifestyle. If you want to lose weight you do need to change your lifestyle and take things slow. But it will get better ^^. Just push yourself to take things slow, don't force it and enjoy it if you lose 1 kilo or whatever you got over there . You rather see it go down than going up even when it goes slow. Do weight yourself at the same times though. If I recall it correctly you weigh less in the morning.

[ImagineKate]

Try slowly reducing portions. Eat only until you stop feeling hungry and not until you feel full. When you feel full you've gone too far.

This is how weight loss surgery works. It tricks your body into thinking you're full faster, so your brain thinks you're full and you still have a calorie deficit. And it is that calorie deficit that forces your body to look for alternate sources of energy such as muscle and stored fat.

Exercise, same thing. Start yourself with 20 minutes a day then ramp yourself up to 45 minutes to an hour. Don't push yourself too hard when starting and go gradually.

Weight loss won't happen in a day but it will happen slowly and you will lose it over time.


Best wishes in your journey.

[JulieBlair]

Good Morning Kathy,

I'm almost 62 years old, and have been seeking an authentic version of me for almost exactly three years.  It is funny, but for me weight is not the issue it once was, but a constant reminder of where I will go if I am not vigilant.  In some ways I am lucky, exercise is my ticket out of depression and dysphoria.  Three years ago I weighted almost 200 lbs, I've lost nearly 50.  It wasn't going on a diet, it was becoming comfortable with who I am.

I no longer loath the image in the mirror.  She is not all I would wish for, but she is real, and she is me.  The truth is there are some things I am willing to do, such as getting at least a half hour of aerobic exercise every day, and some I am not.  If you ban dark chocolate, we will have a problem.  But for me it was getting my lifestyle, my diet, my transition, and my spirit aligned that transformed a fat, sad, and terrorized person into a growing healthy one.

Yes I get on the scale every morning, alcohol is verboten, rich sauces are kept to glorious celebrations, exercise is a mantra, but over time that is who I have become rather than what I do.  The destination has become the path.  I could not have realized the woman within without embracing her essence.  A part of that embrace is paying attention to the machine I live in.  I relish the curves, but to do so I need to be able to see them.  I love the the dance, but to enjoy the music I must be able to finish the steps.  I thrill to looking feminine, but to do so requires commitment.  Mostly I love the life I have found, it is rich in conversation, friendship, and love.

I hope that helps, I'm here for you,

Julie

[Ariel Renée]

I am trying to cut back on my weight to in preparation for transitioning..

I ate a whole frozen pizza over the course of 6 hours...so i don't think im off to a very good start :-(

[JulieBlair]

If you choose, you can save pizza for celebrations with friends.  I ate three pieces of chicken sans skin, but savory with herbs, steamed veggies, and tea.  Just as yummy and the preparation is part of the joy.  We have been suckered into fat and sugar.   Over time you can strip it of it's power.  Try not cooking a whole pizza when alone.  Chinese take out, or sushi is a better solution if you aren't yet a lover of cooking.

Julie

[JoanneB]

As a former fatty I feel your pain. I can't look in a mirror without still seeing rolls of blubber. Forget about my always jiggling thighs and ass. It is a daily struggle for me not to gain weight when I can pack on a pound from just smelling food. My wife can eat more in one meal then I do in a day and she looses weight. Oh joy!

Depression over everything is bad. Besides a life sort of on hold, trying to keep the trans beast under control, plenty of money issues, my wife's depression from years of dealing with a chronic medical issue, I also get to deal with my own body image (weight) issue too. Depression combined with escapes into comfort food, or worse, alcohol, just makes the depression worse. Funny though how slowly packing on the pounds again untill I was teetering just below that magic 200 lb mark was what motivated me to finally do something about being trans.

It was and still is a struggle. I never denied myself goodies, mostly portion control and smart eating. Start the day off with a meal to get the metabolism going, lunch and a very light dinner. Also be very careful about what you feed yourself. Almost anything out of a box or bottle is bad. A peak at the list of ingredients tells all. Especially if it uses corn syrup sweetener or chemical sweetener. I live mostly on 1/3 cup of real oatmeal in the morning, salads supplemented with some sort of meat and the occasional treat of my much needed carbs in the way of a small portion of pasta or slice of pizza.

But, add in an 'event' and it all goes out the window. An even worse event or high stress tends to lead to a drink which in my case tends to lead to more. Plenty of very empty calories get taken in. Several pounds get packed on in a day or two tops. A month or two later it 'May' be off. More likely not lately, especially with the winter months upon us and not getting in my 4-6 mile daily walks.

Beat up on yourself, and repeat.

What helps break the cycle is honestly looking in the mirror and seeing how far I've come. In many ways I have the body I dreamed of having. I am in so many ways I am finally happy being in my own skin. In so many ways my LIFE is finally working, I am becoming a for real person.

Not bad for only 6 years undoing nearly 60.

[JulieBlair]

nothing like raw salmon!
although Chinese takeaway over here is very very high in calories.

I stick with the stir fried vegetables and  rice.  Yes too many calories and too much sodium, but anything beats pizza for nutrition.  And yes Salmon Skin Roll, Toro, or Hamachi is heaven.  Oh and Ama Ebi and miso .....
J

[Foxglove]

Of the five face fillers I've long contended with--food, cigarettes, alcohol, chocolate and coffee--I've been quite successful with food, alcohol and coffee, and somewhat successful with cigarettes.  It's only alcohol that's not a real struggle for me.  I can do without that and have never had a serious problem with it.  As for chocolate, I'm always fighting a rear-guard action.

But food?  I've got to the point where I can hardly eat anything at all without spreading all over the place.  A while back I was shocked to find myself about 30 pounds overweight.  I'd never before let things get so out of hand.  I had a real struggle to get rid of it.  Took me more than a year.  Now that I'm slim and trim again, it's a constant struggle to stay that way.  I practically measure my intake by the spoonful.  I know exactly what and how much I can eat in a day without gaining weight, but I have a hard time sticking to that.  Especially when chocolate comes into the equation.  I've long said that there should be a law that would allow you to buy chocolate only with a doctor's prescription.

But the fact is that I eat a very healthy diet these days, and I do get a fair bit of exercise--some kind of walk virtually every day.  It's one of my phobias: I simply cannot stand being overweight.  So I worry a lot about it, and this is perhaps the only thing I've ever worried about where I got results.

[Rachel]

Hi Kathy,

I am 52 and my bmi is 26. I am changing how and what I eat and added exercise. I lost a lot of muscle and gained a lot of weight with HRT.

When I eat at the Chinese truck at work, it is just veggies and a little white rice.  I bring a lot of veggies and some boneless skinless sardines in olive oil to work. If I eat in the caf it is a salad. You need volume of low cal foods and some good protein. I go to a gym and have a trainer, walk a fire tower at work 10 stories and walk with 40 pounds of weight at night for 30 minutes. I see my body changing shape but weight is slowly coming off.

When you work out after have some nuts and egg whites. If you exercise to exhaustion I have a few figs too. I drink water only ( I have a little grape juice at night 3 or 4 days a week).

Look at eating health options only, use portion control and exercise.

My trainer destroys my core each week. We do not use machines and only functional exercises. Sounds easy, well it is not. She is really tough and I go to exhaustion. Cool thing, in 8 weeks we have repeated only a few exercises. Each week is an experience. Cool thing is she pushes me and I am really look forward to the session.

Funny thing last week at the gym, I go to the gym on Thursdays and train with my trainer. Well next Thursday and Friday she is off. Monday is a maybe if her client cancels. On Tuesday I told her I am going to Mazzoni (LGBT primary care) for laser on my face and I will not feel like exercising after. I was next to two or three guys and they looked over then continue exercising. I go to a LGBT gym. I thought nothing of saying what I said. Very cool place.

[TSJasmine]

I think weight problems are fairly common :/ I think most of the female population suffers from it. Losing weight is always in the back of my mind but I'm so lazy from the super low T & I lack the motivation to lose weight. My BMI is 22.63 & dropping 20-30 pounds would make me so happy. I've lost weight easily in the past when I had male hormones. I would just eat vegetarian & go running daily. (I once dropped 7 pounds in a week). Now, it's a bit harder. I see myself getting fatter every time I look in the mirror & it makes me feel ugly no matter what I wear. I honestly don't really gain weight so I'm sure it's all in my head but the motivation to do it is difficult. If you have the motivation, you can always try what I would do & just eat no meat & go running every day. Oh, and I stopped drinking juice & soda many years ago. All I drink is water & once in a blue moon I might drink a glass of soda but it's like every 2-4 months tbh.

[JulieBlair]

I think weight problems are fairly common :/ I think most of the female population suffers from it. Losing weight is always in the back of my mind but I'm so lazy from the super low T & I lack the motivation to lose weight. My BMI is 22.63 & dropping 20-30 pounds would make me so happy. I've lost weight easily in the past when I had male hormones. I would just eat vegetarian & go running daily. (I once dropped 7 pounds in a week). Now, it's a bit harder. I see myself getting fatter every time I look in the mirror & it makes me feel ugly no matter what I wear. I honestly don't really gain weight so I'm sure it's all in my head but the motivation to do it is difficult. If you have the motivation, you can always try what I would do & just eat no meat & go running every day. Oh, and I stopped drinking juice & soda many years ago. All I drink is water & once in a blue moon I might drink a glass of soda but it's like every 2-4 months tbh.

If your BMI is 22 and change, breathe.  It is right where you should be.  to lose more than ten pounds would put you underweight, 30 anorexic.  You are beautiful and perfect.

Julie

[Sephirah]

Sweetie, you don't have to give up the things that give you pleasure. A lot of the time that's what puts people off - the thought that they'll have to live off lettuce leaves and water for the rest of their lives to slim down.

I'm going to go off on a bit of a tangent here and say it isn't advice about what you should be doing which will benefit you. What you need is the motivation. You mentioned depression, and... well, speaking as someone who has suffered with that throughout my life, I know full well what a black cloud that can be with regard to you wanting to do anything. It's like "what's the point? Nothing will make me feel happier!" Right?

What worked for me was setting a goal. And that was some clothing that was too small for me to get into, but which I utterly adored and knew would make me feel a million times better when I was wearing it and looking, if I do say so my self, pretty awesome in it. That's what you need, hon. You can find a million diets online for whatever you want, from cabbage to probably chocolate. But you have to want to pursue them. You have to want to take that step.

Find a reason to get some of the excess weight off. That will make it much easier to achieve by whatever method you choose.

*huggles*

[Ms Grace]

I would second what Sephirah said, plus just to make sure that the goals are achievable. Success at a goal is a great motivator so keep everything on the horizon not beyond it. I see from your counter you've lost more than half your target amount. That should be cause for celebration itself, well done.

[kathyk]

Well, I've read everything ... and now my head hurts.  Really it does hurt because I've got a cold or something.

Anyway, thank you for all the advice, and I'm going to work with some of it.  My body image is terrible, and my goal is to be down to 165 by next July.  Yes that's an aggressive goal and it'll be difficult to stay on track.  But at least today I had a good lunch and a salad for dinner.  I've had a couple snacks out of a Beef Jerky bag, but not enough to worry me.  Also drinking sugar free soda and tea for my cold.

No need to wish me luck because what I need is will power.  I'll get luck from a girlfriend who's with me on this, and she can be brutal when I screw up. 

Thank you, and peace.
K